Order by:
Rating:

Simon Cowell "Unsafe" Claims Society of Facade Engineering

Canterford-with-Lully Mayor Abelard Siskin has issued a disclaimer to Japanese tourists hunting for 'Famous Erskine' in the Erskine Memorial Gardens. " Erskine not here", he said. "Please to enjoy garden and visit tea-rooms only."

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Anal Fissures "The New Rock and Roll" Claims Dale Winton

"Though we have not been able to discover who Erskine is, or indeed was", says Canterford-with-Lully Mayor Abelard Siskin, "I am sure the Erskine Memorial Gardens can only benefit from being associated with him."

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

No One Listens Anymore

Defying a clearly stated order, there were fries lying there beside the burger!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Pedigree Bagot Goat Eats Isambard Kingdom Brunel's Hat

Canterford-with-Lully Mayor Abelard Siskin has refused to meet itinerant Corsican sailor Rodriguez Ganty. "I cannot believe that the man after whom we have named the Erskine Memorial Gardens would have associated with this person."

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Tap-Dancing Cat Entertains Korean Leader

Nelson, Lancashire Admiral Admiral Nelson Lancashire is always being mistaken for Lord Nelson, he claimed yesterday. "What's more, I have a friend called Nelson Lord and I wear a Kiss Me Hardy hat on holiday in Blackpool."

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Geometric Topology "The New Rock and Roll" Says Louis Walsh

Canterford-with-Lully Mayor Abelard Siskin claims he knew all along that itinerant Corsican sailor Rodriguez Ganty was not the famous Erskine after whom the Memorial Gardens are named. "The rolling gait clinched it", he told reporters.

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Bush Dedicates Liberry

Cardboard moving box of old comic books and NASCAR videos will be housed at Southern Methodist University.

written by manbrad, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Water Voles Breeding On Samantha Cameron

Mao Tse-tung kept a pair of imaginary lungfish in an equally imaginary hollow wickerwork statue of second wife Yang Kai-Hui, though musical genius Max Bygraves made do with an imaginary drawing of a glass eel.

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Harry Potter "Weaned Me Off Altar Boys" Claims Top Catholic

Asteroids in Uranus spell trouble for librans: shun Macedonian Long John Silver Impersonators. A decapitated aluminium impala and three castellated leopardskin funnels figure for virgos taking mescaline.

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

No I Wasn't Drunk!

Passengers of plane who went out of it's way to destination say's he boasted of "High Balls". Hostess gone for thirty minutes.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Heather Mills will not be Invited to the Will & Kate Wedding

Heather Mills, ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney's, when told she would not be invited to the wedding, "was hopping mad," according to an eye witness.

written by JAB, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Baroness Thatcher Invited to the Will & Kate Nuptials

When asked whether she'll attend the wedding, Thatcher said,
"Of course I intend to attend, who's getting married again?"

written by JAB, 17 November 2010
Rating:

"I'm Proud Of Our Fete!"

Newly discovered Nixon tapes shows him bragging about him and wife joining "The Mile High Club" on Air Force One!". "It took three *&%$&# flights but I got her!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Sir Elton John will not be asked to sing at the Will & Kate Wedding

An anonymous Palace source for the 2011 wedding said, "Sir Elton is only good at singing for dead blondes."

written by JAB, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Okapi Nibbles Nelson's Column

...an imaginary bandicoot, while Bob Hope drew comfort from the presence of his imaginary slender loris. Explorer Shackleton took an imaginary parliament of rooks with him on all his journeys.

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

So What If It's Hot Air, Never Hurt Washington!

Experts say wind power in desert would supply enough energy for several states. "Doesn't that just blow your mind?"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Pimlico Loses Arbitrage Argument

Arian narcissists need to take a look in the mirror. If you are single and aquarian, watch out for a bottle-nosed dandelion farmer. Don't eat borscht if you are a scorpio lighthouse designer.

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Bin Laden looking Good

Osama Bin Laden video shows him healthy, a little fatter and smiling. "Just got back from Vegas. They won't tell you so I will! Three months!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

The Sleeping In Public Club?

Town Outlaws Sleeping In Public..."But we weren't sleeping", claims couple.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Gloucestershire Creased "Beyond Repair"

Home and Hearth
with Aunty Jean

A dead walrus in the bath will ensure those teenage nieces don't hog the bathroom in the mornings. Keep those old fishtails. They add fascinating texture glued onto a favourite pillow.

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Idaho To Be Sold To Chinese Billionaire

Now is the time for sagittarian wheelwrights to look askance at dry toast. The gasping of a landed carp is music to capricorn ears. Transgendered Leos should avoid unicycles.

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Homing Pigeon Brings Home The Bacon

Late inventor Percy Flage left behind a rich legacy. The world is all the better for his wing mirrors for cattle, the toothbrush spoiler for faster brushing, a clockwork kettle, the portable waterfall and powdered fruit.

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Something To Write About

Nearly blind, writer, producer Woody Allen dumps young wife for Yoko Ono.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Only YOU Can Prevent Terrorist Attacks!

Terrorist list of those to keep an eye on now over 500,000. "Be sure to keep your eyes peeled", say authorities.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Palin For Hollywood?

NYTimes: Palin's place is Hollywood, not the White House! Like that Reagan fellow!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Irish Bank Rescue

Europe heads for Irish bank rescue. Greece: Psssst! Over here! Over here!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

New Food Safety

Senate moves forward on food safety bill as number of rat hairs and mouse feces greatly cut from norm.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Pelosi Survives

Pelosi survives Democratic revolt! "I still say she's revolting" says malcontent.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Huge Swathes of New York City Sinks

NEW YORK - Huge sections of the city fall into sea. Mysteriously, the cut-off point is 110th Street. The Mayor says city is prepared, due to other natural disasters occuring in movies.

written by Inhopeless, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Ready To Dive Back In?

BP Management says big oil disaster tells us one thing for sure, there's plenty of oil in the Gulf!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

India To Have Major Weather Changes

Report: India faces major climate changes by 2030. Of course, so will everyone else!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Mule Train!

US Drug Border Patrol have been alerted about 70 senior citizens crossing into Mexico on a mule train. "If you ask me, they're up to no good", says official.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Royal Couple Not The Only Ones

Lost in all of yesterday's news about the new royal couple was the announcement that al-Qaida #29 is engaged to Mexican Drug Lord #4!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Men At The Airport

After pat-downs at airports most men either come out, sigh and smoke a cigarette or roll over on the floor and go to sleep.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

"Middle Class Are Liars"

Middle class are liars and hypocrites says top Labour MP in astonishing rant. The rich? We're all pussycats!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Just A Simple Ceremony

Royal wedding date to be decided within days as William and Kate begin planning with Palace staff of 5,000.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

One Every Year

New "NICE UNDERWEAR!" doormats are this season's great seller say retailers.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Reports No One There!

The National Guard told the press this morning that they now have unmanned drones patrolling No-Man's Land at Mexican border.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

ex Clochard buys pink diamond!

A rags to riches story beyond belief, the buyer of the fab pink diamond is an ex-Brit tramp and French clochard, the pink coloured diamond reminded him of the days he could only afford meths, BURP!

written by Jaggedone, 17 November 2010
Rating:

FRyanair passengers refuse to leave plane in Belgium!

Normally passengers can't wait to leave FRyanair planes, the French are different, they refused to leave one in Belgium, they said it was too comfortable and the drinks were cheap? typical French!

written by Jaggedone, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Will & Kate Nuptials

Actor Daniel Craig is on the short list of invitees to the Will & Kate nuptials

written by JAB, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Vince Cable on Xmas Strictly

"He will not dance to his own tune" confirm government sources.

written by Mike Gatspy, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Paul Simon Dedicates Song to Charlie Rangel

Paul Simon, in a tribute to ethically challenged Representative Charlie Rangel, sang "Still Whining After All These Years."

written by JAB, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Tornado Creates Hurricane

In West Texas a tornado going through a windmill farm has created a Category 3 Hurricane the first ever to develop over land. They name it: "Pecos Bill!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Obama Needs To Push!

PODESTA: Obama should 'push the country to a better place'. 'Right now hes carrying us through hell in a hand basket!'

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

WalMart Signs Going Up!

WalMart forced to put up signs that say: "You Must Be Less Than This Wide To Go Down Our Aisles!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Soros Soft On Communism?

Soros: China has better government than America. So why doesn't he live there?

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Polish Recall

All solar-powered blankets have been recalled by Poland, according to announcement this morning. Arkansas biggest buyer!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Palin Surviving Dance With The Stars

Like mother, dance star Bristol Palin wins over public. Except for that guy who shot his TV, of course.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

No Obesity Problems

The few people who are still alive today that went through the Great Depression say there was nothing Great about it!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Outside Investments

Bernanke's 'Cheap Money' Spurs Investment Outside USA as thousands invest in pesos.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Identified By Tie-Dyed Shirts

Calif. Guv Arnold Schwarzenegger demands investigation after massive grave with at least 100 hippies, found just outside San Jose!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Americans On The Move

Study: Americans fleeing high-tax, union-dominated states for lower-paying but less-taxed, none union fee states.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Little Known Fact

Few people realize that President Roosevelt named our entrance to World War II as "Operation: The Greatest Generation!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Public Sleeping Outlawed

Town Outlaws Sleeping In Public...especially while on their jobs.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Rocky Road Tastes Great

Fortune-tellers warn of rocky road for William and Kate. Ben & Jerry's say 'Cherry Garcia'.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Man pulled from flight for 'Atom Bomb' tattoo!

"It's just a tattoo!" "Yeah, but what if it exploded?"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Obama Has Different Belief

AILES: OBAMA 'DIFFERENT BELIEF SYSTEM THAN MOST AMERICANS'! Most of us would like to SAVE the country.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Next Taxed: Burgers & Fries!

Sweet drinks, national sales tax targeted to cut deficit, tooth decay.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

US Athletes Of The Year An Odd Couple

Felix and Oscar named U.S. athletes of year. I'm sorry, that should be 'Oliver'.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Glenn Beck Warns: Maksim Chmirkovsy Plots Take Over of DWTS!

"Mark my words America, Chmirkovsys' ambition directly threatens the Republic and our Democratic process" Beck promises to lay out how George Soros is involved in new shocking expose'.

written by Kay Findlay, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Sexiest Man!

People magazine says Ryan Reynolds is sexiest man. Followed by Lady Gaga!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Watch Rising Ocean Acidity?

EPA tells states to consider rising ocean acidity. "Right now we're busy watching our jobs leave, thank you!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Housing Construction Falls!

October housing construction falls sharply. Builders ordered to rebuild them and use good material next time.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Elvis Fans?

Authorities: Wis. man shoots TV over Palin dance! Will not be arrested like guy who shot TV over Obama speech.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Another Airport Searcher Quits

US airport security staff touch a nerve, then a growing muscle!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

We Had Airborne Disease But Better Now

Plane passengers have came up with their own name for searchers: "Airborne Diseases".

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Israeli Pullout!

Israel approves Lebanon border village pullout. Four families will move to the West Bank.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Obama's New Book #2

Now he's really made it! Obama out with kids book, "How Almost Everyone Spells Nuclear".

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

New Obama Book

Now he's really made it! Obama out with kids book, "Never Play In A Bush League!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

No One WANTS To Be Fat

Even Preschool Girls Favor Being Thin, Study Finds. Then why are we all so fat?

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Iran Threatens Planes

Iran says foreign planes violated its airspace. Israel replies that "You haven't seen anything yet!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Good-Bye Alcohol/Energy Drinks

FDA expected to ban alcoholic energy drinks Wed? Let's have a cup of Irish coffee and talk this over.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Pelosi Remains Dem Leader

Pelosi expected to remain House Democrats' leader, right through the door and out on their ass!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

FDA expected to ban alcoholic energy drinks Wed.

From now on you'll have to get loaded and drink ten cups of strong coffee like old times.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Probably Have To Wait Till Dark

Best Time to See the Leonid Meteor Shower Is Now! Not so, say many. It's 10AM and I don't see anything before 11.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Won't Dump Pelosi!

Why Democrats won't dump Pelosi? Insiders say it's because she will breath fire and destroy them.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Prince William accidentally becomes engaged to Cheryl Cole instead of Kate Middleton.

Wakes up next to the wrong dimpled stunner after boozy bachelor party.

written by Thibarine, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Alan Titchmarsh faux-pas

Housewive's Favourite Alan Titchmarsh subjected one of his guests a shock foul-mouthed tirade live on TV last night.

ITV say that he has been put on Gardening Leave.

written by ExiledRoyal, 17 November 2010
Rating:

World Stocks Tumble

World stocks muted amid Irish debt, China jitters, Greek Trojan Horses!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Rangel Refuses Retirement

Congressional watchdog group calls on Rangel to resign. "After 50 years, what do you think?"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Only Part Of It

The ring's the thing everyone is saying about the royal marriage but 'the thing' is pretty close at #2.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Banks Threatened?

Report: Foreclosure mess could threaten banks, especially if they're on the Foreclosure List!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Many Wanting To "Change DC" Find DC Changes Them!

Tea Party activists announce plan to recruit 'credible' candidates. Say so far, it's not one in a hundred.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

A Royal Blush...!

During her brief separation from Prince William, Kate Middleton has revealed that she had sordid sex sessions with playboy footballer Andy Carroll. She now admits "it was a bit of an own goal!"

written by iscrivener, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Rangel Convicted

Charlie Rangel convicted of ethics charges, expulsion unlikely. "I may leave anyway. Bunch of crooks up here."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Murkowski Write-In Winner #2

Murkowski Write-In Winner! Promises to change state slogan from "Land of the Midnight Sun" to "Land of the Midnight Fun!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Murkowski Write-In Winner

Murkowski Alaska-bound as vote counting winds down. Overheard singing old "North To Alaska", the old Johnny Horton song!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Stoned Crowd Burned Bandstand

Outgoing Fla. gov. wants Jim Morrison pardoned. Believes that 'Lighting His Fire' was just an expression.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

New Tar Ball Worries

BP deep-cleaning Gulf beaches amid new worries as 'lost' tar balls coming in at slow pace. "This could take ten years", state Clean-up crews, hotel & restaurant owners.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Wino Choirs

High-caffeine energy drinks linked to alcohol abuse. Plus big city cop say they now have all-night singing o wino choirs.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Obama's Favorite Foods #2

CAPITAL CULTURE: The food Obama loved as a child, Kenyan Kabobs! "Better than the crow I've had to eat in Washington lately!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Obama's Favorite Foods

CAPITAL CULTURE: The food Obama loved as a child, Kenyan Kabobs!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Bluefin Tuna Disappearing #2

Bluefin tuna showdown pits economy vs. ecology as Greenpeace has secretly been dying fins orange in order to protect them.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Bluefin Tuna Disappearing

Bluefin tuna showdown pits economy vs. ecology. If no limits, no fish, agrees group with fingers crossed behind them.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Ireland Bailout Closer

Europe steps closer to Ireland bailout. "Tis a kindness. The wee folk will bless ye for it!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

More Job Cuts

Roche takes knife to costs, slashes 4,800 jobs. Too many discount drugs being bought over internet that are 110% guaranteed from Nigeria.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Brandy Upset

Upset! High-scoring Brandy axed from 'Dancing'. "Someone's going to pay for this!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Gore Into Rehab

Murkowski Alaska-bound as vote counting winds down. Al Gore goes into rehab over flashbacks.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

No More Earmarks?

Senate Democrats swim against anti-earmark tide. Vow that all bridges MUST lead to somewhere.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

BP Ignored Signs #4

Experts: BP ignored warning signs on doomed well. Could hear Sirens at night on empty platform.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Speed Demons!

High-caffeine energy drinks linked to alcohol abuse. "Just what we needed in traffic", say drivers. "Some get out of cars and run home from work."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

High Energy Drunks!

High-caffeine energy drinks linked to alcohol abuse, running along streets and into traffic.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Royal Wedding On!

Prince William and Kate Middleton to wed! Thought maybe you hadn't heard about it from the media.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Airline Protest

Furious Ryanair passengers protest in plane. Would not leave for 4 hours after plane diverted. "First abused by scanners and now this!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

No Death Penalty For Aziz?

Iraq's Talabani says will not sign Aziz death order. Hussein had his hand up Aziz rear telling him what to say.


written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

BP Ignored Signs #3

Experts: BP ignored warning signs on doomed well. Like the black waves headed for Florida coast, for instance.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

BP Ignored Signs #2

Experts: BP ignored warning signs on doomed well like dead sea creatures covered with oil.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

BP Ignored Signs

Experts: BP ignored warning signs on doomed well. Oil pouring out into the ocean, for one.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Obama is Captain America

US President, Barack Obama, has appeared as a avatar on virtual reality website Secondlife.com. His choice of avatar was comic hero Captain America, who went around picking up girls and annoying guys.

written by whatinthe world, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Why George Went Nukklar

George Bush in his new book says he called it "Nukklar War" on purpose. "Everyone was talking about the Cuba thing when I was small & I wet my pants when I heard the word. So I was taking no chances."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Bush Book

In his new book, former president says that he was glad to be out of office because as President, you have to think all the time. "And most of the time I thought, 'Boy, you just screwed up again'."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Fight In Kentucky

A man in Kentucky cut off another man's beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. "That's fer makin me eat ma horse!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Cheney Taught Him

Former President George W. Bush was all over TV promoting his book, "Decision Points." On Martha Stewart, he showed everyone how to whittle out a dog pecker from a piece of wood.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

China Debt Canceled

United States, Britain cancel all their debts to China. "We're calling it even after pulling your asses out during WWII!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Stocks Sink Again

Stocks sink on Asian inflation, Euro debt fears, bedbugs all over the floor causing several busted asses!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Rangel Guilty

Rangel guilty: House ethics panel rules misconduct. May be barred from the House bar!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Bassoon Is "The New Euphonium"

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face! Cut it off and send it to us. Take advantage of our "De-nose a Friend For £50 offer. Send us your friends' noses for Instant Cashback. www.we-buy-your-severed-limbs.com

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Dorset Man Teaches Rabbits To Sing

Postage too dear? Too scared to hacksaw your own leg off? Why not try our new Home Amputation Service. Our operatives all have butchery experience. We supply all sheeting etc. www.we-buy-your-severed-limbs.com

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
Rating:

Medieval Map of Sittingbourne "A Forgery" Says Gloria Hunniford

Ears? Who needs 'em? Vincent Van Gogh never looked back after he hacked his ear off. You too could be a tortured romantic hero who dies penniless. www.we-buy-your-severed-limbs.com

written by Erskin Quint, 17 November 2010
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