Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 17 November 2010
Simon Cowell "Unsafe" Claims Society of Facade Engineering
Canterford-with-Lully Mayor Abelard Siskin has issued a disclaimer to Japanese tourists hunting for 'Famous Erskine' in the Erskine Memorial Gardens. " Erskine not here", he said. "Please to enjoy garden and visit tea-rooms only."
Anal Fissures "The New Rock and Roll" Claims Dale Winton
"Though we have not been able to discover who Erskine is, or indeed was", says Canterford-with-Lully Mayor Abelard Siskin, "I am sure the Erskine Memorial Gardens can only benefit from being associated with him."
No One Listens Anymore
Defying a clearly stated order, there were fries lying there beside the burger!
Pedigree Bagot Goat Eats Isambard Kingdom Brunel's Hat
Canterford-with-Lully Mayor Abelard Siskin has refused to meet itinerant Corsican sailor Rodriguez Ganty. "I cannot believe that the man after whom we have named the Erskine Memorial Gardens would have associated with this person."
Tap-Dancing Cat Entertains Korean Leader
Nelson, Lancashire Admiral Admiral Nelson Lancashire is always being mistaken for Lord Nelson, he claimed yesterday. "What's more, I have a friend called Nelson Lord and I wear a Kiss Me Hardy hat on holiday in Blackpool."
Geometric Topology "The New Rock and Roll" Says Louis Walsh
Canterford-with-Lully Mayor Abelard Siskin claims he knew all along that itinerant Corsican sailor Rodriguez Ganty was not the famous Erskine after whom the Memorial Gardens are named. "The rolling gait clinched it", he told reporters.
Bush Dedicates Liberry
Cardboard moving box of old comic books and NASCAR videos will be housed at Southern Methodist University.
Water Voles Breeding On Samantha Cameron
Mao Tse-tung kept a pair of imaginary lungfish in an equally imaginary hollow wickerwork statue of second wife Yang Kai-Hui, though musical genius Max Bygraves made do with an imaginary drawing of a glass eel.
Harry Potter "Weaned Me Off Altar Boys" Claims Top Catholic
Asteroids in Uranus spell trouble for librans: shun Macedonian Long John Silver Impersonators. A decapitated aluminium impala and three castellated leopardskin funnels figure for virgos taking mescaline.
No I Wasn't Drunk!
Passengers of plane who went out of it's way to destination say's he boasted of "High Balls". Hostess gone for thirty minutes.
Heather Mills will not be Invited to the Will & Kate Wedding
Heather Mills, ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney's, when told she would not be invited to the wedding, "was hopping mad," according to an eye witness.
Baroness Thatcher Invited to the Will & Kate Nuptials
When asked whether she'll attend the wedding, Thatcher said,
"Of course I intend to attend, who's getting married again?"
"I'm Proud Of Our Fete!"
Newly discovered Nixon tapes shows him bragging about him and wife joining "The Mile High Club" on Air Force One!". "It took three *&%$&# flights but I got her!"
Sir Elton John will not be asked to sing at the Will & Kate Wedding
An anonymous Palace source for the 2011 wedding said, "Sir Elton is only good at singing for dead blondes."
Okapi Nibbles Nelson's Column
...an imaginary bandicoot, while Bob Hope drew comfort from the presence of his imaginary slender loris. Explorer Shackleton took an imaginary parliament of rooks with him on all his journeys.
So What If It's Hot Air, Never Hurt Washington!
Experts say wind power in desert would supply enough energy for several states. "Doesn't that just blow your mind?"
Pimlico Loses Arbitrage Argument
Arian narcissists need to take a look in the mirror. If you are single and aquarian, watch out for a bottle-nosed dandelion farmer. Don't eat borscht if you are a scorpio lighthouse designer.
Bin Laden looking Good
Osama Bin Laden video shows him healthy, a little fatter and smiling. "Just got back from Vegas. They won't tell you so I will! Three months!"
The Sleeping In Public Club?
Town Outlaws Sleeping In Public..."But we weren't sleeping", claims couple.
Gloucestershire Creased "Beyond Repair"
Home and Hearth
with Aunty Jean
A dead walrus in the bath will ensure those teenage nieces don't hog the bathroom in the mornings. Keep those old fishtails. They add fascinating texture glued onto a favourite pillow.
Idaho To Be Sold To Chinese Billionaire
Now is the time for sagittarian wheelwrights to look askance at dry toast. The gasping of a landed carp is music to capricorn ears. Transgendered Leos should avoid unicycles.
Homing Pigeon Brings Home The Bacon
Late inventor Percy Flage left behind a rich legacy. The world is all the better for his wing mirrors for cattle, the toothbrush spoiler for faster brushing, a clockwork kettle, the portable waterfall and powdered fruit.
Something To Write About
Nearly blind, writer, producer Woody Allen dumps young wife for Yoko Ono.
Only YOU Can Prevent Terrorist Attacks!
Terrorist list of those to keep an eye on now over 500,000. "Be sure to keep your eyes peeled", say authorities.
Palin For Hollywood?
NYTimes: Palin's place is Hollywood, not the White House! Like that Reagan fellow!
Irish Bank Rescue
Europe heads for Irish bank rescue. Greece: Psssst! Over here! Over here!
New Food Safety
Senate moves forward on food safety bill as number of rat hairs and mouse feces greatly cut from norm.
Pelosi survives Democratic revolt! "I still say she's revolting" says malcontent.
Huge Swathes of New York City Sinks
NEW YORK - Huge sections of the city fall into sea. Mysteriously, the cut-off point is 110th Street. The Mayor says city is prepared, due to other natural disasters occuring in movies.
Ready To Dive Back In?
BP Management says big oil disaster tells us one thing for sure, there's plenty of oil in the Gulf!
India To Have Major Weather Changes
Report: India faces major climate changes by 2030. Of course, so will everyone else!
US Drug Border Patrol have been alerted about 70 senior citizens crossing into Mexico on a mule train. "If you ask me, they're up to no good", says official.
Royal Couple Not The Only Ones
Lost in all of yesterday's news about the new royal couple was the announcement that al-Qaida #29 is engaged to Mexican Drug Lord #4!
Men At The Airport
After pat-downs at airports most men either come out, sigh and smoke a cigarette or roll over on the floor and go to sleep.
"Middle Class Are Liars"
Middle class are liars and hypocrites says top Labour MP in astonishing rant. The rich? We're all pussycats!
Just A Simple Ceremony
Royal wedding date to be decided within days as William and Kate begin planning with Palace staff of 5,000.
One Every Year
New "NICE UNDERWEAR!" doormats are this season's great seller say retailers.
Reports No One There!
The National Guard told the press this morning that they now have unmanned drones patrolling No-Man's Land at Mexican border.
ex Clochard buys pink diamond!
A rags to riches story beyond belief, the buyer of the fab pink diamond is an ex-Brit tramp and French clochard, the pink coloured diamond reminded him of the days he could only afford meths, BURP!
FRyanair passengers refuse to leave plane in Belgium!
Normally passengers can't wait to leave FRyanair planes, the French are different, they refused to leave one in Belgium, they said it was too comfortable and the drinks were cheap? typical French!
Will & Kate Nuptials
Actor Daniel Craig is on the short list of invitees to the Will & Kate nuptials
Vince Cable on Xmas Strictly
"He will not dance to his own tune" confirm government sources.
Paul Simon Dedicates Song to Charlie Rangel
Paul Simon, in a tribute to ethically challenged Representative Charlie Rangel, sang "Still Whining After All These Years."
Tornado Creates Hurricane
In West Texas a tornado going through a windmill farm has created a Category 3 Hurricane the first ever to develop over land. They name it: "Pecos Bill!"
Obama Needs To Push!
PODESTA: Obama should 'push the country to a better place'. 'Right now hes carrying us through hell in a hand basket!'
WalMart Signs Going Up!
WalMart forced to put up signs that say: "You Must Be Less Than This Wide To Go Down Our Aisles!"
Soros Soft On Communism?
Soros: China has better government than America. So why doesn't he live there?
All solar-powered blankets have been recalled by Poland, according to announcement this morning. Arkansas biggest buyer!
Palin Surviving Dance With The Stars
Like mother, dance star Bristol Palin wins over public. Except for that guy who shot his TV, of course.
No Obesity Problems
The few people who are still alive today that went through the Great Depression say there was nothing Great about it!
Bernanke's 'Cheap Money' Spurs Investment Outside USA as thousands invest in pesos.
Identified By Tie-Dyed Shirts
Calif. Guv Arnold Schwarzenegger demands investigation after massive grave with at least 100 hippies, found just outside San Jose!
Americans On The Move
Study: Americans fleeing high-tax, union-dominated states for lower-paying but less-taxed, none union fee states.
Little Known Fact
Few people realize that President Roosevelt named our entrance to World War II as "Operation: The Greatest Generation!"
Public Sleeping Outlawed
Town Outlaws Sleeping In Public...especially while on their jobs.
Rocky Road Tastes Great
Fortune-tellers warn of rocky road for William and Kate. Ben & Jerry's say 'Cherry Garcia'.
Man pulled from flight for 'Atom Bomb' tattoo!
"It's just a tattoo!" "Yeah, but what if it exploded?"
Obama Has Different Belief
AILES: OBAMA 'DIFFERENT BELIEF SYSTEM THAN MOST AMERICANS'! Most of us would like to SAVE the country.
Next Taxed: Burgers & Fries!
Sweet drinks, national sales tax targeted to cut deficit, tooth decay.
US Athletes Of The Year An Odd Couple
Felix and Oscar named U.S. athletes of year. I'm sorry, that should be 'Oliver'.
Glenn Beck Warns: Maksim Chmirkovsy Plots Take Over of DWTS!
"Mark my words America, Chmirkovsys' ambition directly threatens the Republic and our Democratic process" Beck promises to lay out how George Soros is involved in new shocking expose'.
People magazine says Ryan Reynolds is sexiest man. Followed by Lady Gaga!
Watch Rising Ocean Acidity?
EPA tells states to consider rising ocean acidity. "Right now we're busy watching our jobs leave, thank you!"
Housing Construction Falls!
October housing construction falls sharply. Builders ordered to rebuild them and use good material next time.
Authorities: Wis. man shoots TV over Palin dance! Will not be arrested like guy who shot TV over Obama speech.
Another Airport Searcher Quits
US airport security staff touch a nerve, then a growing muscle!
We Had Airborne Disease But Better Now
Plane passengers have came up with their own name for searchers: "Airborne Diseases".
Israel approves Lebanon border village pullout. Four families will move to the West Bank.
Obama's New Book #2
Now he's really made it! Obama out with kids book, "How Almost Everyone Spells Nuclear".
New Obama Book
Now he's really made it! Obama out with kids book, "Never Play In A Bush League!"
No One WANTS To Be Fat
Even Preschool Girls Favor Being Thin, Study Finds. Then why are we all so fat?
Iran Threatens Planes
Iran says foreign planes violated its airspace. Israel replies that "You haven't seen anything yet!"
Good-Bye Alcohol/Energy Drinks
FDA expected to ban alcoholic energy drinks Wed? Let's have a cup of Irish coffee and talk this over.
Pelosi Remains Dem Leader
Pelosi expected to remain House Democrats' leader, right through the door and out on their ass!
FDA expected to ban alcoholic energy drinks Wed.
From now on you'll have to get loaded and drink ten cups of strong coffee like old times.
Probably Have To Wait Till Dark
Best Time to See the Leonid Meteor Shower Is Now! Not so, say many. It's 10AM and I don't see anything before 11.
Won't Dump Pelosi!
Why Democrats won't dump Pelosi? Insiders say it's because she will breath fire and destroy them.
Prince William accidentally becomes engaged to Cheryl Cole instead of Kate Middleton.
Wakes up next to the wrong dimpled stunner after boozy bachelor party.
Alan Titchmarsh faux-pas
Housewive's Favourite Alan Titchmarsh subjected one of his guests a shock foul-mouthed tirade live on TV last night.
ITV say that he has been put on Gardening Leave.
World Stocks Tumble
World stocks muted amid Irish debt, China jitters, Greek Trojan Horses!
Rangel Refuses Retirement
Congressional watchdog group calls on Rangel to resign. "After 50 years, what do you think?"
Only Part Of It
The ring's the thing everyone is saying about the royal marriage but 'the thing' is pretty close at #2.
Report: Foreclosure mess could threaten banks, especially if they're on the Foreclosure List!
Many Wanting To "Change DC" Find DC Changes Them!
Tea Party activists announce plan to recruit 'credible' candidates. Say so far, it's not one in a hundred.
A Royal Blush...!
During her brief separation from Prince William, Kate Middleton has revealed that she had sordid sex sessions with playboy footballer Andy Carroll. She now admits "it was a bit of an own goal!"
Charlie Rangel convicted of ethics charges, expulsion unlikely. "I may leave anyway. Bunch of crooks up here."
Murkowski Write-In Winner #2
Murkowski Write-In Winner! Promises to change state slogan from "Land of the Midnight Sun" to "Land of the Midnight Fun!"
Murkowski Write-In Winner
Murkowski Alaska-bound as vote counting winds down. Overheard singing old "North To Alaska", the old Johnny Horton song!
Stoned Crowd Burned Bandstand
Outgoing Fla. gov. wants Jim Morrison pardoned. Believes that 'Lighting His Fire' was just an expression.
New Tar Ball Worries
BP deep-cleaning Gulf beaches amid new worries as 'lost' tar balls coming in at slow pace. "This could take ten years", state Clean-up crews, hotel & restaurant owners.
High-caffeine energy drinks linked to alcohol abuse. Plus big city cop say they now have all-night singing o wino choirs.
Obama's Favorite Foods #2
CAPITAL CULTURE: The food Obama loved as a child, Kenyan Kabobs! "Better than the crow I've had to eat in Washington lately!"
Obama's Favorite Foods
CAPITAL CULTURE: The food Obama loved as a child, Kenyan Kabobs!
Bluefin Tuna Disappearing #2
Bluefin tuna showdown pits economy vs. ecology as Greenpeace has secretly been dying fins orange in order to protect them.
Bluefin Tuna Disappearing
Bluefin tuna showdown pits economy vs. ecology. If no limits, no fish, agrees group with fingers crossed behind them.
Ireland Bailout Closer
Europe steps closer to Ireland bailout. "Tis a kindness. The wee folk will bless ye for it!"
More Job Cuts
Roche takes knife to costs, slashes 4,800 jobs. Too many discount drugs being bought over internet that are 110% guaranteed from Nigeria.
Upset! High-scoring Brandy axed from 'Dancing'. "Someone's going to pay for this!"
Gore Into Rehab
Murkowski Alaska-bound as vote counting winds down. Al Gore goes into rehab over flashbacks.
No More Earmarks?
Senate Democrats swim against anti-earmark tide. Vow that all bridges MUST lead to somewhere.
BP Ignored Signs #4
Experts: BP ignored warning signs on doomed well. Could hear Sirens at night on empty platform.
High-caffeine energy drinks linked to alcohol abuse. "Just what we needed in traffic", say drivers. "Some get out of cars and run home from work."
High Energy Drunks!
High-caffeine energy drinks linked to alcohol abuse, running along streets and into traffic.
Royal Wedding On!
Prince William and Kate Middleton to wed! Thought maybe you hadn't heard about it from the media.
Furious Ryanair passengers protest in plane. Would not leave for 4 hours after plane diverted. "First abused by scanners and now this!"
No Death Penalty For Aziz?
Iraq's Talabani says will not sign Aziz death order. Hussein had his hand up Aziz rear telling him what to say.
BP Ignored Signs #3
Experts: BP ignored warning signs on doomed well. Like the black waves headed for Florida coast, for instance.
BP Ignored Signs #2
Experts: BP ignored warning signs on doomed well like dead sea creatures covered with oil.
BP Ignored Signs
Experts: BP ignored warning signs on doomed well. Oil pouring out into the ocean, for one.
Obama is Captain America
US President, Barack Obama, has appeared as a avatar on virtual reality website Secondlife.com. His choice of avatar was comic hero Captain America, who went around picking up girls and annoying guys.
Why George Went Nukklar
George Bush in his new book says he called it "Nukklar War" on purpose. "Everyone was talking about the Cuba thing when I was small & I wet my pants when I heard the word. So I was taking no chances."
In his new book, former president says that he was glad to be out of office because as President, you have to think all the time. "And most of the time I thought, 'Boy, you just screwed up again'."
Fight In Kentucky
A man in Kentucky cut off another man's beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. "That's fer makin me eat ma horse!"
Cheney Taught Him
Former President George W. Bush was all over TV promoting his book, "Decision Points." On Martha Stewart, he showed everyone how to whittle out a dog pecker from a piece of wood.
China Debt Canceled
United States, Britain cancel all their debts to China. "We're calling it even after pulling your asses out during WWII!"
Stocks Sink Again
Stocks sink on Asian inflation, Euro debt fears, bedbugs all over the floor causing several busted asses!
Rangel guilty: House ethics panel rules misconduct. May be barred from the House bar!
Bassoon Is "The New Euphonium"
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face! Cut it off and send it to us. Take advantage of our "De-nose a Friend For £50 offer. Send us your friends' noses for Instant Cashback. www.we-buy-your-severed-limbs.com
Dorset Man Teaches Rabbits To Sing
Postage too dear? Too scared to hacksaw your own leg off? Why not try our new Home Amputation Service. Our operatives all have butchery experience. We supply all sheeting etc. www.we-buy-your-severed-limbs.com
Medieval Map of Sittingbourne "A Forgery" Says Gloria Hunniford
Ears? Who needs 'em? Vincent Van Gogh never looked back after he hacked his ear off. You too could be a tortured romantic hero who dies penniless. www.we-buy-your-severed-limbs.com
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