Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 16 November 2010
Game Warden Warnings
Game wardens across the United States warn hunters not to get turkeys they are hunting mixed up with Lame Ducks in congress. "They look a whole lot alike!"
PLO Has Super Rock!
Israel accuses the PLO of building a Super Rock big enough to drop in the sea and cause a tsunami over their coastal cities. "They're way ahead of all of us in Rock Technology!"
Polar Bear At Mideast Peace Talks
Fate of the Mideast talks in hands of rabbit-like polar bear.....That should be 'polarizing rabbi'!
"Want A Silver Bullet?'
Men arrested in Nashville, Tn. tell officers that 'Billy Joe & me had this funny idea to come into the bank as the Lone Ranger & Tonto & danged if Billy Joe didn't dress up like the Lone Ranger too."
Dick and Bush Share Love Fest on Stage
Dick Cheney and George Bush came together on stage to dedicate the Bush library. The men couldn't stop talking about the other's abilities, afterwards.
Jules Verne Ahead Of His Time
Scientists discover new, large squid species in the Atlantic Ocean attacking a cruise ship!
Congress Worried about Energy Drinks--Job Creation Can Wait
Congress won't help the economy, but they will make sure you don't have caffeine in your alcohol. They believe this move will help them get the soccer mom vote in 2012.
We Need Younger Men To Be Silent
Gethsemane Abbey in Kentucky lure younger monks by offering them all the bananas and fruitcake they can eat.
Vick Routes Redskins
Vick totals 6 TDs, Eagles rout Redskins 59-28. "Best Doggone game of my life", says Vick afterward.
Sounds Just Like Him
Golfer blinded by bad shot sues pal for no 'Fore!' Gerald Ford is dead, right?
The National Rifle Association today stated that they approve of shotgun weddings, just so long as anyone didn't get hurt.
Limbaugh: What Did I Tell You?
After the latest member of the Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor re-injured her right ankle, Rush Limbaugh pointed out that she's already moving to the left.
You'd Think He'd Want to Come!
West Virginia celebrates it's annual "Take Me Home, Country Roads" Festival. Invited once again this year was John Denver but, as usual, he probably won't show up!
What Have YOU Got In YOUR Pants?
The TSA's invasive new screening measures include officers putting their hands down people's pants if wearing baggy clothing in a shocking new elevation of groping procedures. Just like Rock Concerts!
NKorea Celebrates Special Day
North Korea celebrates "Death To Everyone On Earth But Us" Family Day today at all parks. You WILL attend!
Politics As Usual
Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi make up new roles for those under them so that they may have a title, free car and chauffeur.
Some Pirate In Painful Condition
A UN report today shows that many of the captured Somali pirates are in bad shape. "On in three have barnacles attached to their balls."
China After The Grand Canyon?
China Buys Up More US Debt. Say they may use large cache of dollars to purchase the Grand Canyon just in case they need a bigger place to store them.
Sure, For That Kind Of Pay
The 'tortured' 16: More than a dozen British terror suspects to get up to £10million compensation. Thousands volunteer for next waterboarding.
Crook: Thought They Looked Familiar
Bungling thieves arrested after trying to sell £7,000 rings back to different branch of same shop. Sounds like the Dortmunder Gang again.
William & Kate
Wills and Kate: We'll take it one step at a time but we want to start a family. We've already put in some practice.
Breaking Shelves In Barne & Noble
Congress voted today to quit selling copies of the new Health Care Bill. Already 47 had injured their backs an 37 hernias caused buy trying to carry the thing.
Wal-Mart Going "Green"
Huge company out of Benton, Arkansas green with envy over Chinese accomplishments.
Dora Still Scratching Her Head
President Obama to pay visit to Flockistan, New Gumby! Still outnumbered and hated in Washington.
Did They Ever Leave?
Recession forces teens to move in with grandparents. Before that, it was the price of gas. Further back: "I'm scared of boogers!"
Few Little Vegans
Daily LOL: Only 3% Of Kids Vegetarian: How Can Parents Help? By eating their bbq short ribs while kids are away at school.
Two Together, What Are The Odds?
A Maryland and his wife were caught with her pants down. Over $80,000 in her panties which is unbelievable. Number one, you can't have a blocky ass. #2 A politician running away with his WIFE?
Through Out Three Bad Ones!
Sarah Palin coins 'word of the year,' books boffo cable debut but not quite up to Bush "nucclar".
........the old soft shoe baby!
Vince Cable the dopey politician and ex lead singer with the live wires has been mooted to appear on the Christmas edition of Strictly Come Dancing. When it comes to fancy footwork Vince is the boy!
UK store bans toy piggies because Muslims don't like them!
A UK kiddies store has banned piggies from playing on their toy farms. The store feels that Muslims might get upset about piggies being on a UK toy farm, "bacon sandwich anyone!"
Middle East Peace Deal of the Day
TEL AVIV - Peace Deal of the day: Buy one crisis, get a rougue state absolutley FREE!
Is Prince Willie's Kate a virgin?
The answer is she's certainly not one of Allah's 71 waiting for martyr's to arrive, and she's not a red aeroplane either?
Ireland Bad Off As We Are!
Ireland now on the brink of disaster according to expert, Napper Tandy,
What If It Freezes Hawaii?
Colder winters possible due to 'climate change'. "Cold winters a sure sign of global warming", claims Gore. "Same for milder winter."
OBAMA SET TO LEAVE COUNTRY -- AGAIN.!
President Barack Obama is all set to leave the country again but here's the catch: He's coming back.
Makes A Great Target!
Sen. Harry Reid announces he has been re-elected as Senate majority leader by Democratic colleagues..also Republican colleagues!
More on Rangel ethics violations: Convicted of 11 out of 13 charges; panel now considers appropriate punishment but may be lenient since they may be next.
Order In House, Tar & Feathers Are Banned!
Dejected House Dems wipe away tears as GOP celebrates victory. Turn on Pelosi!
Back From The Dead
Man Brought Back from the Dead at High School Football Game. But referees will not allow 18-year-old Zombie to play.
Obama Support At 26%
SHOCK POLL: ONLY 26% OF PUBLIC THINKS OBAMA WILL BE REELECTED. "We'd ask for resignation now if not for Biden."
Airline to Use Ground-Based Craft, Decreases Flight Time
LONDON - British Airways have decided to use ground-transport instead of newer Airbuses and Boeings for Domestic and Int'l flights. Will save passengers' flight times, and include smoking breaks.
Rangel Puts On A Good Show
Showman Rangel gives 'em the old razzle-dazzle. "I don't even have an attorney. Asked what has he been doing all this time, counting your money?
BIG SIS SEES ALL
Scanners and pat-downs upset passengers. Some males have patdown THEN scan and asked for a copy to advertise.
TSA XXX: NAKED BODY SCANS LEAK ONLINE
Like, who didn't see this coming? Some people have no shame. Hey, boobs on #17 must be hanging down into her skirt.
Maybe If We Moved Out Illegals?
Weaker Dollar Seen as Unlikely to Cure Joblessness. Plus checks you take home worth considerably less.
Vending Machine Recommendations
Vending machine recommends drinks to buyers. "Skip this crap and buy you a Bud."
Flip Though This One Even Faster
Barbara Walters to interview Obamas next week, their first big interview in days.
Cher's The Expert.
Cher's Advice To Christina Aguilera: 'Ex-Husbands Will Come And Go' so keep some subs on a list in the future so you'll be ready.
Upset In Bishop Land!
US bishops elect NYC archbishop as head in startling last-second upset! Talk about an elected bishop appointment, this is one for the books. Now back to the Brett Favre report!
Biting The Hand...
Cholera backlash fuels anti-UN protests in Haiti. "We would be so much better of on our own!"
All Nude Airplane Scanners
Nudist colony junket on special naked airlines still have to be patted down...especially down.
American Malls Emptying
America's malls say they expect a lot of good byes during the upcoming Holiday Season!
Royal Riding Accident
Prince William's hat is reported to have blown off whilst riding with Kate Middleton today.
Upon hearing the news Prince Charles commented, "That's my boy!"
Old Fossils Releaved
Crews shifting work from fossil site to museum. Old folks home say they're glad to hear it.
At Last An Apology
Danish astronomer's remains exhumed in Prague. Apology submitted by Vatican over burning at the stake after saying earth not center of the solar system.
Astronauts May Back Out Of Last Mission
NASA finds 4th crack on space shuttle fuel tank. Graffiti on two sides plus 97 tiles were loose.
Pot Calling Kettle Broke
Chinese stocks sink as Irish debt crisis boils. Reps from Greece recommend dumping Ireland from the EU.
Irish Crisis Looms Over EU Meeting
Irish crisis, contagion fears loom over EU meeting. Reps told to stay in separate room.
Stop Screaming & Bend Over & Spread Your Cheeks!
We're not gonna take it anymore! Anger intensifies over new TSA screamings!
Tea Party Stirring Up The Old Boy System
Tea Partiers in Washington riling up new members and lameducks! "That's what we came here to do", says rep. "No more free spending, expensive add-ons to bills!"
Learn Them Best You Can!
With this here divided Congress, tough road for learning reform!
What In Tarnation?
Mich. teacher ejects student for anti-gay remarks. "I was just surprised at our low CAT scores and stated, "Well, I'll be a ring-tailed varmint", says teacher.
What Did I Say?
Mich. teacher ejects student for anti-gay remarks. "All I said is that some of our pupils were at the bottom of our student scores."
New Pharmacies Popping Up
Walmart drug plan for seniors may not be best deal as Druglord Pharmacies begin to open across the USA as part of NAFTA!
Drug Payments Change
Change in drug payment rule may trigger headaches, especially if drug lord sends headbangers after you.
Living Large In The USA
Study: Amid housing slump, home sizes shrink. "Downsizing wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't super-sized all of us beforehand."
Study: Amid housing slump, home sizes shrink, 10 X 10 foot apartments in Manhattan for only $10,000 a month.
Study: Amid housing slump, home sizes shrink. But you can afford a huge tent!
Palin's Word Of The Year!
Sarah Palin coins 'word of the year,' "Dumocrats" books boffo cable debut.
Fighting For Survival!
EU 'fighting for survival' over debts: president. "You're not the only ones", says new US Congress!
The Pope Show #2
Pope goes HD with Vatican's new high-definition TV. Look for their ads during this Sunday's NFL games!
HD Pope Show
Pope goes HD with Vatican's new high-definition TV. "Makes popemobile seem like it's right in you TV room", they advertise.
Will They Show Up?
Randy Quaid, wife, due back in SoCal courtrooms. However, no one exactly where they are, though word sent to let them know how it turns out.
More than 900 pigs found dead on Pennsylvania farm. PETA after owner's skins over owner's cruelty.
900 Dead Pigs
More than 900 pigs found dead on Pennsylvania farm. "Sloppy way to run a pig farm", says one.
Britain, US Continue Stupidity Contest
UK agrees settlement with ex-Guantanamo detainees who should have enough to really blow things away next time.
Bout To Return
Thailand extradites alleged arms dealer Bout to US as many in US think the Thais would have delivered justice better.
Stoning The Devil
Muslim hajj pilgrims perform devil stoning ritual. Leaders of Iran, Taliban, al-Qaida hide.
Longtime Engagement Also
UK's Prince William engaged to longtime girlfriend. Marriage will be next Spring, Summer...Fall.
Tests For Help For Stroke Victims Finally Begin
UK starts world's first stroke stem cell trial. About time according to most victims. Many would have volunteered years ago for any tests.
Drug Payments Screwed With Again
Change in drug payment rule may trigger headaches, bullet wounds.
Down For The Count
Murkowski lead at 1,706 as Alaska count continues as re-counting votes could last till next election.
Iran Showing Military Muscle
Iran kicks off 5-day air defense war games. Ask Saudi Arabia, Kuwait to pay close attention.
Highly Pissed At Airports
Those tired of getting extensive pat-downs at airports are protesting by having ejaculations during it.
Pilots Have Had It Also
Pilots among those dismayed at scanners, pat-downs. "I get an erection every time."
Pilots Among Weary
Pilots among those dismayed at scanners, pat-downs. "I glow in the dark", states one pilot.
May Need Prescription In Some Cases
Change in drug payment rule may trigger headaches, backaches, hemorrhoids.
Common Sense #3
Study: Amid housing slump, home sizes shrink. Newly marrieds new a Love Nest, not a Showplace.
Common Sense #2
Study: Amid housing slump, home sizes shrink. Two bedrooms and bath and a half plenty of room for small family.
Common Sense Prevails
Study: Amid housing slump, home sizes shrink as many discover that two people don't need 8 rooms.
Student Defends Teacher
Gay Michigan student defends suspended teacher. Is 'molestation' such a bad thing?
Freezing Crooks Bank Acounts
Sarah Palin coins 'word of the year,' books boffo cable debut. Next word, "Alaskianization"!
Sarah Refudiates Critics
Sarah Palin coins 'word of the year,' books boffo cable debut claiming "refudiate".
It's Called Responsibility
Welders detained in deadly China high-rise fire. Did US check builders of collapsed twin towers?
It is unlikely to be a white Christmas this year, according to a statement from a British National Party spokesman today.
Nepotism doesn't exist in Dallas, says Cowboys coach. My brothers earned their jobs.
Cowboys interim head coach Jason Garrett is angry about nepotism allegations. "It's simply not true," he said, standing next to TE coach John Garrett, scout Judd Garrett and backup WR Lucy Garrett.
The Eagles have released the following statement:
"We hope you are enjoying this evening's Eagles game. We hope, this makes up for Izel Jenkins, Matt McCoy, cutting Cris Carter, 'for who, for what', and Rich Kotite's entire career. Merry Christmas.
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