Spoof news snippets from Monday 15 November 2010
Man Becomes Homicidal Maniac after Claiming 'He'd "Kill For a Good Burger"
BIRMINGHAM - Jack Summers decided to eat a Zinger burger at a local KFC restaurant. After being reminded of 'burger' pact, he killed several people. West Mid. Police are looking for hungry, angry guy.
Study: Fish Oil Doesn't Fix Heart Rhythm Problem
However, study wants to know if anyone has ever tried snake oil?
Airport Searchers Upset Also!
Lady searcher at airport says that if she hears one more guy remark, "See anything down there you like, let me know!", she will set dogs on him.
Man Ejected From Plane?
Agents eject man from airplane for opting out of 'groin check'...I guess that should be 'airport' but I'm not sure anymore.
California Closing Down One Day At A Time
CA COURT: Illegal aliens entitled to in-state tuition. Court then closed down for lack of funding.
Look Forward To Walking A Lot
Study: Oil will run out 100 years before new fuels developed if current efforts to develop alternative fuels continue at the same pace.
Dead US Man arrested?
A US man dead since 12 years has been arrested in Mississippi, a miracle! if you can spell Mississippi correctly it's a miracle too!
New Blood Thinner
Study: New blood thinner works as well as Coumadin. Vampires say they're tired of flossing clogged teeth.
The Brady Explosion
It was revealed today why Tom Brady of the New England Patriots was so mad during the Pittsburgh game last night. Apparently someone said that he had a Justin Bieber haircut.
New Orleans Now Even
In his new book, George W. Bush says that Katrina was really bad for New Orleans for a good while until they won that Super Bowl last year!
Great Google Girth!
Obese Bob sheds third of body weight after spotting his huge stomach on Street View. "Wife told me I was OK. Wait till she sees her ass!"
No Retirement Pot!
Third of over-50s have no retirement pot. "We always thought we'd grow some weed in our backyard but now we're not sure."
Gore Challenges Berries
Freezing fog shrouds countryside as holly crop hints we are in for a harsh winter. However, Al Gore says holly crop doesn't know shit from Shinola!
Don't Mind Searches
Some people traveling by plane say they like being searched. Sometimes I get back in line if she's attractive", says one.
Hiroshima Won't Go Away
Hiroshima not shy of its atomic bomb legacy but US skinheads say it never happened.
Facebook Changes It's Face
Facebook to revamp its massaging service...that should be 'messaging' service!
Palin's Reality Show
5 Most Hilarious Moments From Sarah Palin's Reality TV Debut canceled. There was just one.
New Car Incentives
Fla. dealership offers free AK-47 for truck buyers. A new unmanned drone if you buy a Cadillac!
How's That Again?
Colleagues deny Rangel's plea for delay in trial. "Time to play the pecker", say accusers about any prison time.
Gore Still The Friendly Bore!
Al Gore refuses to change position. "It'll be a cold day in hell before I change my mind about global warming."
Obama On New Trillion Dollar Bill
Republicans in congress say that Obama's photo should be on new trillion-dollar bill. "He's earned it", says Rand Paul in comments on national debt!
Obama Mistakes On Trip
Newsman who accompanied President Obama on recent trip says that he didn't help things by telling China rep to sit on the back row for photograph!
Man Loses Seven Stone after Seeing Himself on Google Street View
A man who saw himself on Google Street view was forced to lose weight after hundreds of cars and lorries were using him as a roundabout - and that was on the pavement!
Now On Life Support!
Latest polls show that ObamaCare has taken a turn for the worse!
He Ran 200 Commercials A Day
Millionaire who lost in House race this month says that he didn't stand much chance against Billionaire.
Making A Comeback?
Newspapers readers up to 2% after slow summer on television and internet worms.
Obama Turns Down Flu Shot
President Obama turns down flu shot angering bodyguards. "I'm too big to have the flu", says Nose-Into-Air President.
New Hazelnut Flavoured Liqueur Doesn't Contain Nuts
Nobody seems quite sure exactly how that works...
President Barack Obama's dancing in Indonesia was pretty embarrassing to many, including George W. Bush. "Of course I did order that pork chop in Tel Aviv!"
Bush Beat Me To It!
Shocking isn't it? George Bush has actually written a book, 'Decision Points' and you and I haven't. Kind of scary.
Vuvuzela is world's most popular word replacing F++K!
After years and years of topping the word charts the word F++K has now been replaced by vuvuzela, it's loud, horny, and people love having it stuck up their butts, F++K me!
Palin denies global warming while sunbathing at home in Alaska.
A Gut Reaction?
New reality show, "Who's Intestine Will Accept The Parasite" canceled after first episode.
Obermann Fired Again
MSNBC fires Obermann again after wearing "Democrats Are Winners" tee shirt and "GOP Sucks!" tattoo!
"Take Heritage & Stuff It!"
UNESCO to Africa: Don't swap heritage for progress just because you want things like clean water and food.
It's Been Awhile
Veterans Day poll shows that most do not remember when Iraq war started. "There was Desert Storm then Desert Packrat and umm Desert Pete!"
Daniel Radcliffe was expecting a tender embrace when it came time to kiss co-star Emma Watson in the new "Harry Potter" film. What he got was a torrid tonsil lashing.
Free Barf Bags #2
Pub provides free barf bags after being sued three times over people sliding in parking lot puke! And yes, those barf bags ARE reusable!
Pub Supplies Barf Bags
Pub provides free barf bags after being sued three times over people sliding in parking lot puke!
$100,000 Study Results Reported
Study: Fish oil doesn't help heart rhythm problem except in fish!
Leaders from Iran proudly gather around red button and jokingly pause hand over it!
Scientists propose one-way trips to Mars. "You'll be quite a bit older but you will be the first to baldly go where no man has gone before."
Good Place to Sell Munchies
California potheads say that they'll get in voting line early next time on smoking pot made legal. "If we pass out there, they'll wake us up to vote."
PETA Sues Youth
PETA files suit against couple of kids who were places hickory nuts in dog's teeth to crack them so they could eat the kennels....kernels.
Cruise Boat Survivors say you haven't tasted SPAM until you eat it with poop in the air.
Energy Drinks Powerful
Popular energy drinks have hidden risks. Young kids who drink them turn into Whirling Dervishes!
Heart Of Gold.
Cheryl Cole really has a heart of gold. Hearing that Gary Oldmans hairdresser had not worked since he filmed 'Dracula' she called him in to do her hair for Saturday nights X-Factor.
China Buying Into GM!
Chinese automaker SAIC Motor Corp, makers of the hybrid rickshaw, reaches deal take a stake of about 1 percent in General Motors
Guinea Youth Clash
Security forces in Guinea clash with hundreds of youths protesting ahead of the announcement of presidential poll results before election.
China Guv In Every Household
For 30 years the Chinese have only been allowed one child - and now they are only allowed one dog. One family proudly shows off 17 cats.
Youth Leaving Ireland
Irish youth flee Ireland over country going bankrupt. Government threatens to call back 'piper'.
LIGHTS OUT AT STADIUM DURING NFL GAME
Dallas Cowboys not only beat Giants they knock their lights out!
Thought Pravada Was Dead
PRAVDA: America conducts subversive activities in friendly territories...unlike noble Russia.
Lame Duck Agenda Fizzles!
Dems' Lame-Duck Agenda Fizzles. Crippled, it leaves the room farting like a whoopee cushion.
Iran Probably Right
Iran: Oil at $100 would not hurt world economy. No one's going to alternative energy!
New AARP Calendar Hits The Bathrooms!
Latest Nude AARP Calendars now available! Attention Bulimics!
Here's The Way To Get Support
Small Nude Protest in Germany brings out ten million supporters!
Take The Poll
POLL: Are new security screenings affecting your decision to fly? A. Yes, B. No, C. Only if you goose me!
Advise Obama Not To Run In 2012
Schoen/Caddell: Obama should not seek reelection in 2012. Unless we do another total flip-flop!
Exorcists Wanted #2
Exorcists wanted: apply to Catholic Church. Especially need one to drive those out of horny priests.
Exorcists wanted: apply to Catholic Church! No oddballs, please!
Stranded Cruise Passengers May Sue!
Cruise passengers endured stench, cold food, music of Barry Manilow!
The Little Things Matter
Alaska Airlines adds Portland-Kona flights. Claim they serve the best coffee Kona coffee on any flights.
It's Those Simpson's Again
Jessica Simpson engaged to former NFLer Johnson. Marge Simpson caught in bed with Brett Favre.
Jessica Simpson Engaged
Jessica Simpson engaged to former NFLer Johnson. "These Simpsons really after those football players", says tabloid.
Saudis Block Facebook
Saudi Arabia blocks Facebook over moral concerns. Facebook blocks Saudi Arabia over terrorists concerns.
Greek Economy Worse Than Thought
Greece sees deficit above target after revisions. May have to sell ancient monuments and writings.
Democrats In Trouble
Pelosi in political purgatory, Dems in turmoil plus Barney Frank hospitalized with massive hemorrhoids!
Election Official In Spotlight
Alaska elections director thrust into spotlight. Stands there awhile, then slowly goes into an old Bo Jangles number.
Another Toyota Needed Recalling
Police: Faulty Camry likely caused fatal crash. Toyota says it had to be something else, but send family package of money.
Hybrid Buyer's Get Tasers
Fla. dealership offers free AK-47 for truck buyers. Car buyers only to get a Saturday Night Special.
Third Time's The Charm
Qantas plane turns back due to smoke again. Crew find a stowaway with three packs of cigarettes.
Couple Happy To Be Alive!
Couple freed by Somali pirates 'happy to be alive'. Dance and sing the "Bottle of Rum" song!
Just A Wee Short-A Funds
Ireland confirms budget talks, denies EU bailout plea, gold loans from leprechauns.
Astronomer James Dies
U.S astronomer, Charlton James dies after two-year coma. "All he told us when we found him is that he suddenly saw stars", say family.
The Wheels Of Justice At It Again
Scientists exhume 1600's Danish astronomer's remains. Suspect foul play.
NFL's Lew Carpenter Dies
Lew Carpenter, member of 3 NFL title teams, dies. Carpenter will be honored in Giants stadium next weekend with a one minute blackout.
One-Way Trip To Mars?
Scientists propose one-way trips to Mars. Astronauts propose one-way trip back to his house.
Whistling In The Dark?
Pelosi in political purgatory, Dems in turmoil, President headed back to Asia to dance with kiddies.
Airport Scanner:Beware Of Obese Terrorists!
Obese man taking airport search leads to 35 explosion devices hid in fat folds.
Chinese Students Here
Report: More Chinese students studying in US as families have so many US dollars there that it's a lot cheaper to send them here.
Slower & Slower At Airports
Scanners say one reason airport hand searches slowing everything down is that really fat people have up to 50 crevices and folds.
Man Barks At Scan
San Diego Man Barks at Airport Scan! I'm sorry, that should be "balks".
Social Security judges facing more violent threats. "I'm in a wheelchair and if you turn me down, Your Honor, I'll walk up there and throttle you!"
This Should Catch Out West
Fla. dealership offers free AK-47 for truck buyers. But lead and gas is extra.
Fla. dealership offers free AK-47 for truck buyers. "Will help you to shut up those gabby environmentalists."
Energy Drinks Dangerous
Popular energy drinks have hidden risks. Talk like chipmunks for hours.
I Can't Take It (BLAM!)
Popular energy drinks have hidden risks. Could cause you to talk people to death.
Popular energy drinks have hidden risks as many tens turn into Speedy Gonzales, then crash.
Ann Widdecombe survives another round of Strictly Come Dancing.
Her partner Anton du Beke reveals his secret - he practises for two hours a day with a sack of potatoes.
X Factor's Aiden says "I knew I was going because I saw it on Twitter."
He's not that bothered - he's just won millions on the Nigerian lottery.
Thought For The Day:
Opera. Nope - just don't get it.
Sexual assault on town footbridge
Police say footbridge is 'shaky and traumatised'.
'Bureau' revealed to be malicious malware
Thought to be a human who writes 24/7, the Bureau-bot is in fact a virus infecting the site with hundreds of spoofs daily. Administrators said they'd remove it, "but the bug is actually clever."
Shock Poll: Justin Bieber fans don't know who Paul McCartney is, much less that he was in a band before Wings
Actually, no shock there.
FDA unveils new Fast Food labels
On the heels of their success over cigarette labels, the FDA will now be depicting deceased morbidly obese people on all fast food containers. Next targets: everything else that's bad for you.
Bill Clinton joins cast of 'Hangover 2'
Scene shows him drinking alcohol, but not swallowing.
Apes flunk Evolutionary Biology
Frustrated teachers across the globe are giving F's to apes in their evolutionary biology classes. "We've given them literally millions of years to pass this damn class", said the teachers.
Give me that old time religion
Since the old West of American heritage went New York City and made every where else but here the only thing we had to worry about was cattle rustlers and horse theives? With a horse we never oil ?
The Tea Party
Democrats say the Republican Grass Roots Tea Party is out of touch with American values ! My mom pays 50-60 bucks a carton for cigarettes where Mohamod sells his friends it for 15 bucks out the door ?
Secret papers reveal Nazis were provided 'Safe Haven' in post-war U.S.
"Goddamned Nazis were supposed to send those documents to the moon", a former intelligence official was quoted as saying.
Give US Subamrines to defend US from China !
A Malaysian guy asked a Japanese guy if they could buy some subs from the US from the threat of China. Since everything is now made in China those subs will come in hobby kits from Revell models ?
I Spy ?
Saw Obama eating a Green Tea popsicle as he returned to his home town and Budda.What ever happened to guys like Bill Cosby, and Jello Pops, Fat Albert,and Buck Buck number 1 Wierd Harold ?
Bush Claims Iran Has Biological WMD Made From Poisonous Fungus
The former president recommended quick action against Iran, saying, "We cannot wait for the final proof, the smoking gun. It could come in the form of a mushroom."
Chinese Quick Builders
A goup of Chinese have built a 15-story building in only six days. Even more astonishing, they did it with Leggos.
Old Episode Found
Long missing Andy Griffith episode where Aunt Bee and Frisco Darling getting it on found in back room at Desilu Productions.
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