Spoof news snippets from Friday 12 November 2010
Golden Syrup "The New Black"
From "The Acts That Mordecai Himmelfarb Had To Turn Down": Joe Straddler, "The Great Pretender", who pretends to be pretending to pretend to be pretending to pretend to pretend to be a pretender.
Admiral Drowns In Bath Of Clotted Cream
The Vampyre makes an interesting and intelligent companion. Always a loyal and earnest friend, it is welcoming towards most visitors. Keep it away from Jehova's Witnesses, however.
Goat Stampede Interrupts Sikh Funeral
Brick Collector Phil Brisket, 44, of Todmorden, is celebrating today. He has just obtained his 1000th brick. "I know them all individually", says Phil. "They never stray and they're all different, like sheep."
Come To The Cotswolds
Why not have an arm off? It never did Lord Nelson any harm. He was still a hit with the ladies and enjoyed a successful career. www.we-buy-your-severed-limbs.com
"Goats In Bottles" Collection Wows The Queen
Now is the time to take a throme-rake to your red loams. Sheltered beds will benefit from a good rundle, before you replant Nun's Delight and Strangled Vicar side-by-side. Bludgeoned Heiress is best in a shallow grave.
Millions Look To France and Switzerland...!
News that UK gas and electricity prices are set to rise above inflation, many Brits are looking to buy into the services of the Hadron Collider to solve rising energy bills at 0.000000000001p per unit
New For Christmas: Inflatable Bishops
Avant-garde poet Len Blatt's latest book is Thirty-Nine - a collection of 39 sestinas about John Buchan's popular novel of the same name. Blatt hopes that it will sell at least 39 copies.
Went To Where?
100,000 Latinos left Arizona this year, report says. "Only two million more to go", says Governor.
Passengers Report On Stuck Ship
Cruise passengers endured stench, cold food "and then the cruise ship had a fire in the engine and we stopped dead in the water."
Hit Batsman Came From China
Obama sees progress in measured steps, no home run but one walk, one hit batsman and seventeen strikeouts.
Seven Ways to Become Your Own Retirement Planner! Number One: Get a job!
British Women Have It Bad
Millions of British women bored by their lives because of 'endless housework, no money and a dull sex life'. Women in India, Cambodia sent message of encouragement.
Now It's The Gingerbread Person!
Also Little Person Blue, Person Had A Little Lamb and Person Splat and Person Lean.
The Kite Surfer
Leap of faith: Kite-surfer becomes first person to clear Brighton Pier in death-defying feat. The first of it's kind, performed by Benjamin Franklin Knievel!
Gas Prices Set For Huge Hike
Cash strapped consumers advised to light farts to stay warm.
We Should Do This Here!
Brazil tests literacy of clown elected to Congress. He passes one honk for true and two honks for false test.
Americans Hating America!
School Makes Boy Take American Flag Off Bike. Outlaw apple pie being served in school cafeteria!
Palin E-Mail Hacker Sentenced
Palin e-mail hacker sentenced to year in custody...of some friendly polar bears.
Postal Service Loses Billions Of Dollars, Pieces Of Mail!
US postal service delivers less mail, loses $8.5 billion. Look for more crack-ups!
Obama Economics Rejected
Obama's economic view rejected on world stage. Also here too judging by the voting earlier this month!
Almost All Prices Have Jumped 10-20%
Secret WALMART Survey Shows Inflation Already Here! Anyone who has been grocery shopping in the past year agree!
Might Get 'Discovered!'
1,300 Security Cameras Now Installed in NYC. Many doing Broadway tryouts before cameras, just in case.
Sweden Storing Emails, Texts
Sweden to store emails, text messages for six months. Many now saying "Kiss My Ass For The Next 6 Months!"
People 'Daydream Half The Time'
... mmm? Sorry... what? Oh, I was miles away.
Internet Czar Being Installed
INTERNET CZAR: Online 'Privacy' Watchdog Planned to keep eye on humor running down President, Congressmen. Magic eye camera on site can see writer. Hi Bureau!
Is This Him?
Leitchfield, Kentucky man identifies scanned airport photo as the alien he saw trying to grab him in the woods near his moonshine still.
Rage At Scanners, Searches!
PILOTS, PASSENGERS RAGE AT NEW NAKED SCANNERS, PATDOWNS! Both may strike if something else cannot be worked out!
Buried Cabbage Patch Dolls from South Korea not selling well this pre-holiday season!
Study: Major acne problems may raise suicide risk! Some Lieutenants also.
Keeps You Calm!
Setbacks aside, Obama claims stronger global hand, saying he sat and squeezed a rubber ball all through the G-20 disaster.
Ferguson - Rooney Scam!
Reports from Old Trafford suggest that both Sir Alex Ferguson and Wayne Rooney colluded in setting up the stars huge wage hike plus further cash for future signings by "screwing" owners, the Glazers.
Ship Passengers Not Angry
The passengers of the stalled cruise ship say that they didn't mind the rank smell. "After all, we had visited several countries where that was normal."
Bush No To Memoirs
When asked today about his "memoirs" former President Bush stated that he had written a book, not a memoir. "No women wrote any part of my book."
Obama's King-Like Book
President Obama says that his latest book will be about his first two years in office and that the 4,907-page book will be ghosted by Joe Biden.
"The Old Goat Used Whole Bottle Of Viagra!"
Cruise passenger say they endured stench, cold food and extra sex!
At It Again
Photo of G-20 Conference has 34 people in it, including Tareq and Michaele Salaki!
Whales Suffer Sunburns
Scientists say radiation leaving whales sunburned. Claim too mny have been beaching themselves for tans.
Scientists: Beak deformities increase in Northwest in wild birds, Barbra Streisand, Bob Dylan.
Will Add Multi-Vitamin Pill To All Meals
Wendy's/Arby's Group loses money in 3Q. Blame stupid health nuts!
Oil Up Again
Oil slides past $86 amid Europe, China jitters, anything other excuse they can think up.
Obama To Deal With GOP
Obama says hopes to reach agreement on tax cuts but plans to make best deal possible with "The New Warlords" in congress.
Obama: Fed action not designed to weaken dollar but to lower it's value.
So Where's The "Stronger Hand"?
President claims stronger hand on the world stage despite electoral defeats at home, failure at free-trade agreement with SKorea & lackluster international support for his trade and currency disputes.
Payback Time For Priest
Will Lynch, charged with savagely beating the priest he says molested him as a child, says he plans to try to use his trial to publicly shame the Rev. Jerold Lindner in court.
Sports, Hollywood & Entertainment
Investigation: Suicide Rates Soaring Among WWII Vets! Most think it's because of how world turned out that they fought for.
Saving Face, Vase
Chinese face fetches $69.3 million at UK auction. I'm sorry, that should have been 'vase'. My face is lowered.
Some Cats, Dogs More Elegant
US researchers explain how cats lap liquids with elegance. Why some dogs ask for straw for commode water.
Theaters Burned To The Ground
Latest Harry Potter whets appetite for finale where young Potter wakes up and realizes that it's all just been a dream.
They Are Not All Out Of Iraq!
Iraq power deal frayed as Maliki named PM-elect as different groups decided to go ahead and fight the US for awhile.
Show Your Patriotism
WalMart, Target, etc considering stores of "All American Made" products.
G-20 A Blowout!
China-US spat hobbles G20 push on world economy. Everybody else just stared hard, stuck out tongue at each other until cameras were allowed in.
What's In YOUR Attic?
Suburban family's old vase fetches $83 million. Better go prowl the grandparent's attic.
The Beast Of Benton?
WalMart says it might broadcast preachers throughout store to those who wish to shop on Sunday morning.
A lady was picking through frozen turkeys but she couldn't find one big enough. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Heads Up, WalMart!
Taiwan stores take convenience to divine levels as your filled out name list taken to temples while you shop.
Royal Wedding? All eyes on William and Kate. Also Pattinson and Stewart.
Too Many Problems?
'Decision Points': What George W. Bush's Memoir Reveals: That neither he nor Obama or anyone else can cope with a world in turmoil.
It was mealtime during an airline flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Clinton Spars With Hezbollah
Clinton warns Hezbollah it can't stop UN tribunal for killing Lebanese leader. Hezbollah warns Clinton if revenge.
Sentenced For Hacking Palin Info
Prosecutors in Palin hacking push for prison time. Either that or show Dems how he did it.
Even If You Have To Borrow From China
Upgrade Your Life: Buy now, or wait? Congress says to Buy Buy Buy!
Little Guy Screwed Again
According to study by GOP/DEM group, US must cut back on poorer Americans but not cuts for Congress, so-called business trips, projects, holidays abroad.
NASA Switches To Paper Planes
Paper plane takes photos from space as NASA funds cut again by White House.
Companies Yank Residential Phone Books
Companies yank cord on residential phone books. Why not the whole thing as businesses online also.
No Man's Land In Phonebooks
Companies yank cord on residential phone books. "Most are on Facebook, TheSpoof anyway."
China Spending Dollars Fast
Chinese vase fetches $69.3 million at UK auction as Chinese use zillions of US dollars to snap up antiques, land, banks, etc.
How Much Do These Studies Cost?
US researchers explain how cats lap liquids with elegance. Next in line: Why dogs eat shit and don't die!
How Cats Lap Water
US researchers explain how cats lap liquids with elegance. Hope to get back to that cancer study soon.
Bernanke THE Authority
Bernanke's monetary policy: Why a little inflation is good. "I don't know why the rest of the world disagrees."
Obama Lauds Iraq Report
Obama lauds inclusive Iraq govt amid frictions but remark; "At least they're not losing their heads." unfortunate.
How About Food, Medication Inflation
Bernanke's monetary policy: Why a little inflation is good. "Wear those shoes and clothes a little longer. Shop at second-hand store. No inflation there.
YOU Live on $14,000 A Year!
Bernanke's monetary policy: Why a little inflation is good. It can help the poor learn to do without.
Obama Gets No Cooperation
G-20 refuses to back US push on China's currency. Each nation goes its own way as usual.
G-20 Ignores Obama
G-20 refuses to back US push on China's currency. President Obama found lying on the floor kicking and biting himself.
Cut Throat Cuts
Following news that UK leaders Cameron and Clegg cannot find any more public spending cuts to make they have announced a suicide pact that will see them cut their own throats via the uk10.gov webcam.
So Farewell, Dino De Laurentiis
I liked many of your movies... but Dune was pretty ropey, wasn't it?
Celebrity Birthdays: November 11th.
Happy birthday to: Roman Empress Gisela of Swabia, 1,015; Baron Carr of Hadley, also 1,015; Cradle-robber Demi Moore, 58; Closeted actor Leonardo DiCaprio, 36; reality TV skank Brittny Gastineau, 27.
Carnal Splendor Spontaneously Combusts in the Sea of Despair
Carnal Splendor, a 100% clothing optional cruise ship for swinging couples, caught fire in the Sea of Despair today.
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