Spoof news snippets from Thursday 11 November 2010
Disabled Cruise Ship Finally Docks in San Diego
A delirious passenger sang a refrain,"Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam.
Lovely spam! Lovely spam!Lovely spam!
Spam spam spam spam!"
Barack Obama Resigns
Former president hopes latest conciliatory gesture toward Republicans will finally create bipartisan atmosphere.
Auctioneer Claims Madoff Boxer Shorts are the Real Thing
Saturday's auction of Madoff's boxers… "are the real deal, we did a DNA on the skid marks in Madoff's boxers," said a spokesman for the auction house.
Red Steak Seen Over NYC
Now a big red streak appears across sky in NYC. Once again it's called "Condensation trail from a jet", something we just now have seen. I guess that's what closed down 2 airports in China last month.
Farve To Finally Retire!
Brett Favre says that this is truly his last season of playing football: I've had so many licks to the head that I was penalized twice in that game last Sunday for getting in the other team's huddle.
Kirstie Looking To Loose Another 150
Actress Kirstie Alley having lost 30 pounds of late stated that she had finally decided to go to the hospital and "cutting out the middleman".
Cruise One Big Shiphouse!
Asked about their experiences aboard the stalled Carnival Cruise ship finally tugged in today in San Diego, the passengers stated that at least they got to see "Cape Colon, having a midnight launch".
A News Correction
A correction to that earlier news announcement: Adam Lambert did not win three Country Music Awards and as far as we know, Miranda Lambert is not gay.
Obama: Going Through A Bad Patch
President Obama told reporters today that the G20 talks are not going well. "We're on a losing streak. Devalued dollar, GOP running congress and America's Team is 1 and 7!"
Bollywood & Hollywood united = "LOLLYwood"!
Hollywood & Bollywood have united and are now called "Lollywood", "Lolly" in good old cockney means mega-bucks and that is the first sub-title to be used for our US readers! (get it?)
Amazon withdrew a digital book called "The Pedophile's Guide to Love & Pleasure" from sale on Thursday but offered no explanation for the move. Some priests & Scout leaders have gone on hunger strike!
Manson Amazes Guards
Charles Manson continues to amaze guards as one reported that "He was back there levitating and singing "Yellow Submarine" in four-part harmony."
Pope Still No Saint
he Council of Cardinals put off declaring Pope John Paul II a saint after secret to pulling a quarter out of a child's ear is explained to them.
Eddie Munster In Rehab
Child star who played Eddie Munster in NJ rehab center. Center says they will observe him during the next full moon.
Overseas Doctors in Benefit Fraud Link!
The Lancet reveals that foreign doctors are deliberately misdiagnosing extended family and friends allowing them to claim UK benefits which costs the UK "middle class" £11 billion per year in taxes.
Mortgage Rates Fall Again
Mortgage rates fall to fresh lows this week as house prices continue to drop. "Sure would be a good time to buy", say most. "If only we had jobs."
Cruise Ship Arrives
The National Transportation Board is investigating the fire that disabled cruise ship and the food to trace the diarrhea outbreak, according to a very ill-looking official who boarded the ship.
China Inflation At Two-Year High
"The tea service just will not fit in the cupboard any more," says concerned housewife.
Man With Sandwich Board Outside BullRing
BIRMINGHAM - A man standing outside the BullRing shopping centre has a sandwich board, proclaiming "World's End" and "20% Off at Subway"
Life's A Bitch, Then...
... there's the washing up!
No Zombie Makeup Allowed
Fancy dress students told: You're not coming in university bar... your zombie make-up is RACIST! "Now apologize to our brain-loving friends", they are told.
'Christmas canceled': Head tells older pupils 'no nativity this year... you need to concentrate on your studies' Heart shrinks to one-fourth it's size.
Poppy-Burning Muslims Protesters!
Poppy-burning Muslim protesters mar Armistice Day commemorations as millions fall silent to remember war dead. Many in Western world getting pretty sick of this.
Amazone Removes Offensive Book
Amazon removes guide book for pedophiles from Kiddie store in response to widespread outrages. I'm sorry, that should have been 'Kindle'.
Drive-Through Sex Shop!
Sex shop opens drive-thru lanes. Ask customers to please take products home before using them.
The Cruise Ship, "Old Pukey" Docks!
Powerless cruise ship reaches San Diego harbor. Stench sends those on the dock to hang over rails, just like those aboard!
President Obama out of town on Veteran's Day, talking about getting along with enemies who hate the U.S.
Patients Flee Waiting Room!
Doctor sues patient after he ran off people in waiting room by calling funeral director and describing how other patients appeared. "There's 4-5 possibles. Do I get the usual percent?"
Mom, Your Beards Sticking Me
Woman sues clinic after receiving Hormone Replacement Therapy.
Let's Check That Cold Nose
Shortage of doctors send many patients to ask where their doc went to school, especially those with skeleton of horse in lobby.
"No See Pelosi!"
Dems pressing Pelosi to step aside! Civil war breaks out among leading Democrats.
China Buys Part Of GM
DEAL: China to buy stake in GM...the "Chinese Coupe" is already to start producing for US market.
Eddie Munster Hospitalized
Child star who played Eddie Munster in NJ rehab. Could have rabies.
Shuttle On Hold Indifinitely
Cracks found in shuttle fuel tank, not just foam. Also one stowaway and several hundred bedbugs.
Adding Insults To Injury
Powerless cruise ship reaches San Diego harbor. 4500 people will have to endure crowd of bag ladies and winos who will point at them and laugh!
Pessimism pervades as G20 leaders show sharp split with black eyes and bloody noses.
Had Good Training
Old West Point applicant letters being put online including Robert E Lee in 1829. Later the leading general of confederacy fought against superior forces, equipment and still came close to winning.
Clown Wins In Brazil Also!
Grumpy the clown won election in a laugher, getting more votes than any other candidate for Brazil's Congress. Now he has to prove that he can read and write as well as Al Franken.
King Tut Relics Returned
New York's Met museum to return King Tut relics, saying "We've had enough spooky things happen around here."
Check The Labels
Chinese father punished for food safety activism. Brought group together when their children poisoned by bad food, he's given 2.5 years for his trouble. These are our new 'friends' from whom we buy.
Need To Blend In
Report: Little risk to war from gays in combat, especially if they'd stop wearing flamboyant uniforms.
Cut Your Salaries In Half Say Public!
Senate budget chairman urges action on deficit. Must cut social security, medicare, etc. No mention of cutting overpaid politicians of stopping overseas freebies.
Old West Point Letters Online
Old West Point applicant letters being put online. Teddy Roosevelt was class 'Bully'!
Students Crash Party
British PM condemns student rioting at party HQ. "No one invited THEM", says partying lady in underwear.
Michelle In Germany On Taxpayer World Cruise
Michelle Obama visits US troops in Germany. "Now all that costly to US taxpayers", she states. "It's just a hop, skip & jump" from Indonesia."
G-20 Split! #2
Pessimism pervades as G20 leaders show sharp split, 9-9 as Italian President out chasing women and US President out dancing with children again.
G-20 Leaders Split
Pessimism pervades as G20 leaders show sharp split, 7-7 as 6 still out partying!
"Did You Like Your Spam?"
Powerless cruise ship nears San Diego harbor, Hundreds on welfare plan to mock passengers as they unload.
Don't Straddle US/Mexican Border
Risks grow for those whose lives straddle border. Could lose their family jewels!
Student Protesters In Britain
Student protesters storm British PM's party HQ. Throw their own party!
We'll Never Get Out Of Debt
Michelle Obama visits US troops in Germany. More money wasted!
Fraud In Elections A Surprise
Audio recording reveals fraud in Afghan election. "Something we never thought would happen", says UN rep.
Carrots Good Only For The Eater?
Eat a carrot, hurt the economy? "Naaaah, could be, Doc!" Not enough carrots being grown.
No Early Retirements
Teachers' $500 Billion (and Growing) Pension Problem. May have to teach until they are 70.
G-20 Off With A Struggle
G20 struggles to find common ground on disputes. For one thing, there seems to be 21 country reps there.
Things Are Locking Up!
US homes lost to foreclosure drops 9 pct in Oct. to only 300,000!
Powerless cruise ship nears San Diego harbor. Captain orders crew to keep many from jumping overboard and swimming for shore.
BP: Why Is It Alway OUR Fault?
Regulator: Oil fire may have caused A380 problem. Check to see if it was purchased from BP.
"New No Man's Land?"
Risks grow for those whose lives straddle border but on the other hand, drugs are a lot easier to get and cheaper.
5% Change To Healthier Food
Wendy's sells new fries with potato skin, sea salt on a bed of sea weed. 95% reject it.
Whale Of A Tan!
Scientists say radiation leaving whales sunburned. Greenpeace fill tankers full of sunscreen.
Old West Point Records
Nearly 30 years before his March to the Sea laid waste to a large swath of Georgia, William Tecumseh Sherman was deemed a "fine energetic boy but suspected firebug. Burned two buildings here."
Custer Could Count
Old West Point applicant letters being put online. Before Custer led small group of soldiers to their doom, the letters shoe he wasn't all that bad in math.
Life Decisions 101
Upgrade Your Life: Buy now, or wait? Remember some thinks may be twice the price later if dollar shrinks. Then again, you may need to do without. "It's Sidney or the Bush!"
Kurds Whey In On Iraq Settlement
Kurd leader welcomes deal on new Iraqi government. "Whatever! Just leave u alone."
G20 struggles to find common ground on disputes. Settle for "We're all human beings".
Riot police storm Hamleys at 6am looking for illegal immigrants.
Terrified cleaners cower among the soft toys, trying to look like teddy bears.
All the money's in China these days, says David Cameron on trade mission to Beijing.
Shares in Wedgwood and Royal Worcester shoot up.
Outsourced jobs coming back from India to America, Obama promises.
New Yorkers can expect up to 50 rupees an hour making clothes for Primark.
Luxury cruise ship stranded in the Pacific receives food drop - 31 tonnes of emergency Spam.
Extra weight delays rescue, ship's captain radios for more Spam.
Indonesian politician "disgusted" by enforced handshake with a woman.
Michelle Obama's hand might as well be her undercarriage, devout cleric says.
X Factor's Katie Waissel reveals the title of her next song choice.
"The Bitch is…Ah sod it, Why Should I Struggle to Remember the Lyrics When You All Hate Me Anyway, You Bunch of Bastards."
Rotterdam police hand out 1000s of marijuana scented scratch cards to help locals identify illegal cannabis farms.
Delighted recipients roll up the cards and smoke them.
X Factor's Katie Waissel keeps forgetting her lyrics because of panic attacks.
This week she will sing "The Bitch is Black".
A New Orleans woman had a lucky escape when a gang bullet bounced off her bulletproof blouse that is now the latest style in New Orleans.
Jessie Wouldn't Fool Around
Jesse Ventura says that if he were elected President of the U.S. he would scream his State of the Union Speech at the top of his lungs & point at every country saying, "Take off our debt or disappear!
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