Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 10 November 2010
Bernanke Warns Against Inflation
Bernanke: If inflation takes over, you'll see many marriages split and former husbands looking to purchase inflatable dolls!
TV Reality Show Closes
New TV Reality Show "Men's Prison Riot" off to a bad start. Had many viewers but prison burned down, 252 escaped. 128 injured.
Everybody TALKS Alternative Energy
Joe Biden all for alternative energy but not in his state. "Let Al Gore place ten thousand windmills in the Great Smoky Mountains, there's plenty of air there."
Obama Reverses Bush
Reversing still another of the George Bush decisions, President Obama told Laura Bush last week that she could decide their sexual positions every other time.
No More Torture!
President Obama has signed an executive order banning torture in the United States. As of this weekend, no more games of the Dallas Cowboys will be shown until next season!
NPR says, "Juan Williams has gone to the Dark Side"
Recently hired by FOX, Williams, said, "NPR is so out of touch, they don't realize I am dark and was born that way."
$150 Million From US Taxpayers
Clinton announces $150 million to Palestinian Authority. Arafat's dead so who will stash these millions away?
Otherwise We're Bankrupt?
Obama Debt Panel Proposal Would Cut Social Security, Medicare...End Tax Deduction for Mortgage Interest...Raise the Retirement Age. "Something for everyone to get mad about!" says group!
NYC Secret Subway Stop!
"Secret" Subway Stop usually passed by underground stops to let passengers see it. "There were several people sitting around eating sandwiches", stated one on the train.
Betty White, Only "Honorary!"
Betty White has been awarded an honorary fireman badge. She showed up at a fire to see what it was like and stood on a hot spot, burning the bottom of her feet and both breasts.
Storms to hit Britain
Angry X-Factor fans have became so angry over Cheryl Cole not voting on last weekends show that the UK is expected to be hit with storms of stupid X-Factor viewers campaining for fairness
Attention Deficit..Look, There's A Squirrel!
US says proportion of attention deficit kids up to no good for you, looks like you might be a winner on TheSpoof. Congratulations!
White House Sets Pessimism Standards
Americans harbor doubts that President Obama & resurgent GOP can work together to solve the nation's problems, according to the latest Associated Press poll. White House biggest pessimist in the US!
Inspiration Must Be For Over-Crowding!
Indonesia's unity is an inspiration to world: Obama "With her sinking ferries with hundreds of people."
Wendy's Healthful New Meals
Wendy's sells new fries with potato skin, sea salt, kosher lard!
Iran Wants Talks
Iran won't talk about limiting nuclear program. Still want to talk. How about those Browns beating up on New England?
Nothing New About That!
Report: White House altered drilling safety report, President's birth certificate!
What A Wonderful Cruise!
Slow tow home for thousands on disabled ship now even slower with one of two towing it blows engine. Several aboard blow their cool!
Kids May Think It's Kool
Feds propose graphic cigarette warning labels of smoker coughing up his lungs.
Lies From The White House
An inspector general says White House edited report about moratorium on offshore oil drilling to make it appear that scientists & experts supported idea of a 6-month ban on new drilling. Impeachment?
A mail bomb intercepted last month at an English airport could have exploded over the East Coast of the United States, British police said Wednesday. US may respond by drone sent Special Delivery!
Black men don't have the biggest "balls", bushcrickets do!
Scientists have discovered that boasting black men can put the myth about having huge 'balls" to bed (alone). Bushcrickets have far superior "pieces" hanging and they don't boast about them!
Obama Says He Was Tired
President Obama says that he screwed up on going on that TV interview with the comedian. "I was tired but I even called Biden "Turd Blossom!"
Cheryl Cole takes a £6K custard pie in the face for charity.
Donations roll in for Gamu Nhengu and her bucket of horse manure.
We Are Amused
Thus far, all the Queen's photos on Facebook all show her either Smiling & Waving or Waving & Smiling!
Tighten Your Belts!
Tighten your belts for Christmas: Bank boss warns Britons! "In fact, a nice belt can be a grand present."
More Chance Of Dying As You Age!
Cocaine-users over 35 have SEVEN times more chance of dying than under 25s. "What is we have forgotten our age?", asks one.
First Test With French Military A Flop!
Perverse' defence cuts leave oil-rich Falkland Islands open to attack, ex-admirals warns as French say they know nothing about helping England protect the Islands.
Protesters smash way into Tory HQ and storm the roof as anti-cuts rioters hijack tuition fees march in London. "We will be able to afford to go to school here even if we have to burn it down!"
Michelle Handshake Costly
Michelle Obama shakes the hand of the late Indonesian Information Minister who was stoned to death this morning.
How's That Again?
Vice President Joe Biden meets on government transparency; Meeting closed to all "Outsiders".
Lots Of Invisible People
PENTAGON: TROOPS MAY STAY IN IRAQ. As Iran insist there is no Israel, Obama insists that we pulled out troops out of there.
The Madoff Social Security
TX GOV CALLS SOCIAL SECURITY BANKRUPT 'PONZI SCHEME'! There's been no money there for years! Obama promises to print more.
Mid-Term Elections Blamed For Delay
Muslims say Obama failing to keep Cairo promises to bring down the US by now!
We Fired That Missile!
Kids in California admit that they were the ones who launched the huge missile yesterday. "We learned how to make one on the Web", says 13-year-old science whiz.
Iran: No Discussion On Nukes
AHMADINEJAD: IRAN WILL NOT DISCUSS NUKE ISSUE. ANNOUNCE THAT THEY ARE READY FOR TALKS!
Who Was That Mosque Man?
Obama slams Israel from Jakarta while on the way to a mosque. Asked to condemn Christians next!
Bank Says Economy Still Uncertain.
"Yes... it's not sure what to do really... take a gap year... go to work... carry on at uni. Just wish it would make up it's mind - lolling around the bloody house all day."
Four Female Heads Of State
4 female heads of state will add luster to G20 summit. Italian leader Napolitano says that he can't wait!
GOP: Go For It, Nancy!
Bad news Dems - 2012 could be worse than 2010, as Nancy Pelosi says she may run for President.
US Also Cuts Energy Output!
Following England's example, US cuts outside security light output by ten percent, schedule all Cubs games in the daytime.
England Cutting Back!
BUDGET CRUNCH: ENGLAND TO DIM STREET LIGHTS, Half of police to be on bicycles once again.
England Cuts Back
BUDGET CRUNCH: ENGLAND TO DIM STREET LIGHTS To Curb Expense! Also, hold squalling cat out windows on emergency vehicles. Cats being trained at this moment.
That Would Be Fair!
Food price fears as feds warn on crop yields. Many here say we should match food for sale overseas to price of oil.
Sears Open Thanksgiving
SEARS to be open T-giving for first time in 124-year history. Say that this has been a real Turkey of a year!
China First! #2
CHINA TO OVERTAKE US ECONOMY 'WITHIN 2 YEARS'! Maybe six months as Obamas abroad tell invite tourists to India, Indonesia on trip but never mention the great things in the US for tourists to see.
CHINA TO OVERTAKE US ECONOMY 'WITHIN 2 YEARS'! Or one year at the rate President Obama is kowtowing around the world.
"We Need To Do That Again!"
Airport Screeners that touch passengers' breasts, genitals have been offered up to $100,000 for their jobs.
Weatherman Willard Scott's "oldest American with birthday today" turns out to be Asian Youth in disguise.
Health and Safety enter The Priory for 'psychiatric evaluation'
"As suspected, they've gone mad." says specialist.
Good News For Folk In Nottingham
"Oh, yes... great - very exciting, so it is," said Irish community leader, Liam Tarradiddle.
IRELAND MESS: INVESTORS DUMP BONDS BANK DOOM! A preview of things to come elsewhere?
Co. Kerry: Elderly Woman's Body Missing
"To be sure, she's sat roight here in me office but Oi'll be banjaxed if we can find her body - she says she's no idea where it is!" Says local police chief.
Favre Back In Sport Headlines
Sports: After having leg remove during emergency surgery, Brett Favre condition listed until starting line-up viewed as "Questionable".
Producer Claims New Song Is Michael Jackson
Jackson producer, manager vouch for Jackson song "Been".
Another Celeb Gone
Another celeb thrown off 'Dancing With the Stars' Couple land outside in the parking lot!
Closer Studies Needed!
Family health history: 'best kept secret' in care. If parents couldn't have children, chances are you and wife won' be able to either.
Family Health History Ignored?
Family health history: 'best kept secret' in care. If there's a family history of Lycanthropy, you may have it too. Doctors should observe patient during next full moon.
Scientists: Beak deformities increase in Northwest. "Many people here need plastic surgery!"
Along With Many bottles of Spirits
Ireland's crisis flares as investors dump bonds. Billions of potatoes being stocked in cellars.
Freaks Also Back At Work
Ohio amusement parks win industry awards. Income up 20% after they brought in the "Hoolie Hoolie Dancers".
Be Careful To Shred Everything
House veterans to newcomers: Sweat the small stuff but be open-handed with big contributors.
Citizens Hope It Doesn't Take Long
Review of Alaska Senate write-in ballots to begin. Everything on freeze for the moment.
Jobs That Are Hiring Now: #1 is for construction workers who are good at tearing down old manufacturing buildings.
Can criticizing the boss on Facebook get you fired? Study says: Maybe not...but don't expect any raise for ten years.
The Can Choose
British PM urges greater political freedom in China. China says they have freedom now to choose between loyalty and prison.
Just Needs Iron Thumb
Obama says Indonesia's unity is inspiration to world. Same for Cuba, North Korea.
Grooms In For A Surprise!
Saudi women eye lingerie shops looking for veils that can hide whole ugly face.
China Banks Increasing Reserves
Chinese banks ordered to increase reserves. Us e dollar bills to light cigarettes.
China R=Trying To Prevent Inflation
Chinese banks ordered to increase reserves. Build onto premises extra rooms to hold dollars.
Scarcity of peyote means hard times for dealers, sacred Native American religious ceremonies.
Actually There Are Two Options
Talks 'only option' to end NKorea's nuke program. SKorea leader disagrees. "You can blow them up!"
Airlines Pull Planes
Singapore Airlines pulls 3 A380s due to engines full of gremlins!
Sarkozy signs the law: French retire at 62, not 60!
Sarkozy signs the law: French retire at 62, not 60. Thousands say they will retire at 60 and live on welfare for two years.
Election Results Probed
Myanmar's Suu Kyi set to probe election fraud but predicts that he will not find one.
Yep, You've Lost It
Can criticizing the boss on Facebook get you fired? Probably, especially those that ridicule small boob, penis.
"A Three Hour Tour!"
Spam and a slow tow for thousands on cruise ship as ten day tour becomes a month. Commodore Gilligan say they must hang on.
Stephen Fry launches new book tomorrow
Stephen launches new book in Piccadilly Circus. 100 frustrated females camp outside to have the first signed copy. Germaine Greer was seen in a balaclava. The book is titled 'Sex after Menopause'
Secred Subway Stop
Hidden deep under New York City, a "secret" subway stop is drawing visitors. Many see old immigrants stuck here many years like the Irish in Knee britches.
Sarah Palin gets a Brazilian.
"Read my lips - Bush is history."
Cruise Ship Stuck #3
Spam and a slow tow for thousands on cruise ship. 4500 aboard told they may get military rations next.
Stuck Cruise Ship #2
Spam and a slow tow for thousands on cruise ship. The Cruise Ship Company say "No charge for extra days aboard."
Wayne Rooney gets new ad campaign modelling cardigans.
"When you think Wayne, you think chunky nit", says designer.
Stuck Cruise Ship
Spam and a slow tow for thousands on cruise ship. "This whole voyage has been a SPAM", says passenger.
Obama: Us Needs Strong Economy
Obama: Strong US economy key to global recovery. Too bad the economy is sinking daily because of my programs.
And now for something completely different....
Mr Arthur Snetterton-Lewis of East Finchley has announced that he will push a wheel barrow from London to Bristol. Many people have asked the bleedin' obvious question: why?
Answer: who cares.
Qantas To Review How It Flies A380
Pilots thought to be top of thinking.
Mysterious Missile off California coast indentified as the 'Mystery Missile'
The Pentagon released a statement today revealing the identity of the mysterious missile launched Monday. "It's our new ICBM 'Mystery Missile', hence, all the confusion. Sorry about that."
Russian prisons offer same facilities as Beauty farm and much cheaper!
Russian prisons with 50 prisoners locked up in tiny cells without toliets, baths and beds are out. The latest prisons have facilities similair too the local beauty farm and their much cheaper!
Netanyahu: Issue of building plans in e. J'lem "overblown"
Adds: "It really does smell of shit there."
Bush, Obama Agree On Something
In an interview, George Bush had with George Stephanopoulos, he stated that he was glad to be out of Washington. Then Obama called to say that so was he.
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