Spoof news snippets from Monday 1 November 2010
It's Allen Iverson!
Allen Iverson is perhaps the most high-profile basketball player to ditch the NBA for a team overseas, but he's not the first. Says he got tired of "Alien Invasion" misprints in American newspapers.
France Upset Over Bomb Attempt
Greece intercepts parcel bomb addressed to Sarkozy! All of France is upset. Either over the attempt or of the failure to carry out the mission.
Robot car that drove hundreds of miles by itself was constructed by robots, believe it or not.
Also In Divorce Court
French minister of foreign affairs accused of taking his job literally.
Study A Mess!
British study says alcohol worse for you than chystal meth. So everyone, have some teeth rottening, brain crumbling meth with you dinner tonight instead of a glass of aged wine.
Alcohol: More Harmful Than Heroin
That's it, in a Professor Nutt-shell
Bad Winter On The Way
Solid black woolly worms, corn husks thick and Grandpa's already cuddled up with some fat old woman indicate a bad winter say Weathermen.
NKorea Has Fire
NKorea-SKorea Exchange Fire At Border! NKorea thanks them as "fire feel warm..GOOD!"
Laura A Librarian
Laura Bush was once a librarian. She said that George Bush used to come in and 'check her out!'
Iranian authorities postpone trial date for U.S. 'hikers,' less than a week before they were due in court. Looks like it's the old 1970's Jimmy Carter Shell Game!
Yemen Mail Bombs
German official says two Yemen mail bombs contained 300 grams and 400 grams of explosive PETA! I'm sorry, that should have been "PETN".
NFL Nutty A Halfway Point
Washington sets down #1 Quarterback, Donovan McNabb for backup with game on the line...the talented Rex Grossman.
Moss Another Loss For Vikings
NFL receiver Randy Moss let go by Minnesota, weeks after being traded to Vikings for third round draft player.
Woods Loses Golf Ranking
Tiger Woods Yields No. 1 Golf Ranking to Lee Westwood. Ranking off golf course not so hot either, say girlfriends!
Al Sharpton found out at Halloween Party
Al Sharpton went dressed as RuPaul to a Halloween party Sunday in Brooklyn, unfortunately, he was a dead giveaway for Al Sharpton.
Biden Hiddin' Somewhere
VP Joe Biden spends last campaign day in ... Vermont? Blames GPS system.
Dirty Politics #2
Even Jimmy Carter not watching his mouth. "Every one of those Republicans are bad old meanies! There. I said it and I'm glad!"
Politics Really Dirty This Time
O'Donnell: TV station 'forgot' to air her campaign ads. I won't forget a lawsuit!
Rei Sounds Disturbed
REID CLOSE: Opponent is mentally discombubualated! Sulfers from demonics!
Old 99 Coming Down The Rail!
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 Weeks of Benefits Set To End. 99 Dems left in their office.
Pope Dismisses Iraq Church Massacre
Yes, they're Coptic Christians, but they still aren't Catholics.
Drugs are far healthier than booze, it's a fact!
Junkies Anonymous have declared that taking heroin, cocaine, crack, etc, is far healthier than boozing their reasons being: it takes much shorter (to die), no hangovers and costs the NHS less!
Cuban Prisoners Exiled
Roman Catholic officials on Monday announced the names of three more Cuban prisoners who have accepted exile in Spain in return for freedom. Thousands of others ask to go with them.
Haiti Facing Hurricane
Haiti scrambles to prepare for feared hurricane hit with zombies stashing away extra brains!
Sarkozy Escapes Bomb
Greek police intercept parcel bomb addressed to Sarkozy. "They spelled it 'Shawqikozy"
Volcano Blasts Away
Indonesia volcano shoots new blast; 21 more rumble! Described as "Godzilla With The Shits" by locals!
Yemen: Al-Qaida turncoat alerted Saudis to plot. Nicknamed Bashshar Arnold by al-Qaida.
Oh, He Wasn't A Cannibal?
After elections, both sides must repair tattered images, apologize for all the lies and slander before they are sued.
Cat Stevens at 'Rally to Return Sanity' with Jon Stewart
Cat Stevens aka Yusuf Islam after performing at Saturday's Rally answering criticism to his singing claimed, "I had a fur ball."
Flu-Hit Thatcher Out Of Hospital.
Roofing repairs recommence next week.
UK Transsexual proves that they are not all just "dumb blondes"!
A UK transsexual has proves to the world that they are not dumb blondes dressed in pink wigs, he (or she) won the UK Scrabble contest and was crowned Miss/Mister Scrabble 2010 both at once, genius!
Sir Paul McCartney Dedicating Song to Obama
Sir Paul revealed today, "I'm changing 'Hey Jude' to 'Hey Dude' in honor Of President Obama."
HP Shares Soar
Hewlett Packard shares climbed over 50 % today. A spokesperson was at lost as to why but did admit that ink cartridge sales in the Middle East have skyrocketed recently.
Chinese Census #2
China goes door-to-door for world's biggest census. Ashed why they didn't simply take total humans on earth and divide by 4?
Chinese Census Could Take Awhile
China goes door-to-door for world's biggest census. Should end by 2020 and next one.
Man Finds His Lost Soul
Ralph Newbury, Rhinelander, WI, found his lost soul...It was enjoying a Venti Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks on State Street in Madison, WI.
Sarah Palin & Company Ready
Forget Halloween, it's the Tea Party giving President Obama a fright as polls predict a horror show at the mid-terms, led by the Witch!
Always Be Ready!
The 238-hazard checklist police must fill in before they can leave the station...239 as "check if pants unzipped" added to it.
Wuss In Boots
Claws! Royal Mail refuse to deliver letters to family after their CAT attacks the postman the big wuzz!
Yemeni Used Stolen Identity
Yemeni mail bombs suspect 'had identity stolen'. So it wasn't 'Martha Stewart' as was first believed.
Walk This Way
Ryanair boss O'Leary warned even talcum power could end up on the banned list people cannot take on planes in the wake of the Yemen bomb plot. Many say they couldn't walk through airport without it.
The Transgender Murder
'Woman' accused of transgender Tube murder is actually a MAN undergoing a sex change. "It was my first PMS episode."
Fifth Female Officer Resigns
Now FIFTH female officer at scandal-hit prison resigns after 'having sex with inmate'. Warden finally move Big Dick Donavan to cell in the back.
Let Him Rot There
I'm better off on benefits than doing a job': Man portrayed as a victim of the cuts by BBC actually, REFUSES to work. "Take him off to the graveyard", says Official.
New York City man slides out of ninth floor window after applying too much Ky-Jelly.
Parents talks 45-year-old into moving out of the basement and into his own apartment over the garage! "Maybe some day, a new trailer in the back yard, Bubba!"
Local P Has Big Dreams
Local proctologist has a dream! A dream where he never works on anyone but the stars of Hollywood!
No Cheap Foreign Labor
Rand Paul: We must protect our American mimes from cheap foreign mimes who work for less!
Palin Fires Staffer over Booger
A staffer for Sarah Palin was fired for not telling her she had a booger during her interview with Fox's Chris Wallace. "She normally wipes her nose on her sleeve," said the unidentified staffer.
Guv. Pushes Pot!
California Governor Schwarzenegger says that medical marijuana is good for your joints!
No Longer Allowed To Land
Germany suspends passenger flights from Terrorists Airlines in wake of terrorist threat.
Each Worse Than The Other
STUDY: Alcohol more lethal than heroin OR CRACK! Transfats worse than all three put together. Don't ask about smoking!
Sex Abuse March!
Police block sex abuse survivors near Vatican but they still heard by large crowd!
CBS Pulling For Dems Again!
CBS Affiliate Caught on Voicemail Mocking GOP Senate Candidate. FOX says they are only network being honest.
We Had Figured That One Out!
September consumer spending weak while incomes dip. Experts say that is probably the key to lack of spending.
Boehner Hit's Obama Term "Enemies"
Boehner hits Obama for 'enemies' speech. We're all Americans here!
Historic Political Volatility.
Voters in many states say they fear for their lives but will vote anyway.
Tomorrow Night It's Over!
Dems hope to limit losses, political foes in campaign's last hours.
Obama Not Packing Them In Anymore
OBAMA PLAYS TO HALF-FULL HALL IN OHIO! Half of them there to throw shoes!
Lotsa Bombs Around
World War Two bombs found on Galapagos Islands. Three more bombs found at the movie theaters this weekend, one on Broadway!
World War Two bombs found on Galapagos Islands. World War Three bombs found in Rocky Mountains.
First Gay Kid's Book Award #5
Kids' book prizes to include gay and lesbian award. This year's winner: "Weak End At Bert & Ernie's".
Howdy Doody Exhibit?
Exhibit delves into life and legend of Howdy Doody...I'm sorry, that should be "Houdini".
Didn't See Cameras
Philippine actor playing a gunman killed by watchman!
New Drug Rejected
FDA rejects highly-anticipated new diet drug, Soonalawsuita.
Supremes To Hear Case
Supreme Court to hear violent video game case where they all get blown away!
Warning systems often don't help tsunami victims!
"We need alarm systems that go off BEFORE they become victims", says expert.
Clinton urges rights progress in Cambodia !
"Human skulls should not be stacked up but given a decent burial."
White House Delays...Weighs Response, If Any
White House weighs response to mail bomb plot. May send unmanned drones to knock on door of bomb makers.
Delay's Trial To Begin...Who's Delay?
Opening arguments set in Tom DeLay's trial as judge says there has been too many delays already.
"What's UP Doc?"
AP Enterprise: Docs help make pot available in CA. Many begin pilgrimage west.
Terrorist bombers may have targeted aircraft !
Experts come to conclusion after all bomb devices were being shipped by plane!
Gay Kid's Book Award #4
Kids' book prizes to include gay and lesbian award. This year's winner: Teletubby Tails!
China Objects: A Plague On You Too!
Plague came from China: scientists say after 2600 years they have tracked it down.
New Gay Kids Book Awards
Kids' book prizes to include gay and lesbian award. This year's winner: "Bert & Ernie Make A Split Decision".
Gay Kid's Book Award #2
Kids' book prizes to include gay and lesbian award. This year's winner: "Bert Cracks Up Ernie".
Yemen Cracks Down
Yemen cracks down on cargo after parcel bomb plot. "You just don't expect things like that to happen here in the middle east."
Coming Religious War?
Priests among 37 Christians killed in Iraq hostage drama. Is a religious war on it's way?
Politics As Usual
In a final appeal for votes, deals are made, money changes hands, rumors spreading fast.
Drug experts say alcohol worse than crack or heroin but all three are a real blowout!
Gay Kid's Book Award
Kids' book prizes to include gay and lesbian award. This year's winner: "Bert & Ernie's Homemade Fudge"
"What's Written Up, Doc?"
Attorneys complain about Doc's handwriting, Docs complain about Attorney's law writing. Public can't understand either.
You Need Pot For Those Freckles!
AP Enterprise: Docs help make pot available to in CA! But will cot you as fee added into every prescription.
Lawyer-Written No Doubt
Warnings abound in enforcing immigration job rules as no one can tell what they mean.
Volcano Blows Again
Indonesian volcano unleashes new powerful eruption. Locals say it's making an ash of itself.
Not Always So!
Analysis: Turbulent times can change elections. That's why President Roosevelt was elected four times during WWII.
The Turbulent Times Review
Analysis: Turbulent times and change elections so look for change every two years.
Study On Drugs, Paint Thinner
Drug experts say alcohol worse than crack or heroin. Recommend huffing for getting high!
Free Health Care Costs Billions
Contraception could be free under health care law but having sex to be taxed to pay for it.
Alcohol Lethal #2
Study: Alcohol more lethal than heroin, cocaine. But take one drink and one shot or snort proves findings wrong.
Study: Alcohol more lethal than heroin, cocaine. Contradicts last week's findings. Next week's findings.
That's Your Job!
Deal or punt decision on Bush tax cuts is Obama's. But either way would have cost votes, so maybe a decision next week.
Tough Decision Your Job
Deal or punt decision on Bush tax cuts is Obama's as President has sat on the fence until it's rotting out from under him.
Lean & Mean
Why the economy's growth isn't easing unemployment. Many say it's the new lean, mean fewer people doing more work to compete with cheap labor elsewhere.
Growth But High Unemployment
Why the economy's growth isn't easing unemployment? Because there is very little economy growth.
Gaelic Speaker Shortage Revealed
"We can't understand it," says expert.
Thought For The Day:
That Carol Kirkwood on Breakfast weather's a looker, ain't she? Talk about occluded front!
Two Days Till Election, Fox News Worried
Two Days till the election and Fox News is worried that people will realize that they were wrong about the election and stop listening and watching their news programs.
Trick or Treat Shortened to just 'Treat'
Due to confusion over the meaning of the word "or", and that no one does tricks anymore anyway, the perennial Halloween tradition has been shortened to reflect the fact that kids just want candy.
Last family Farm
Last family farm to be disassembled and reassembled in the Smithsonian Institution.
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