Spoof news snippets from Saturday 8 May 2010
Census Takes Longer Today
Census people say #1 answer they get from among teens to twenty group is "Whatever". "We had the Great Generation, The Woodstock Generation, The Me Generation & now we have the Apathy Generation!"!
NYC Couple Arrested
The FBI arrested a couple in New York City this morning who reportedly had hid over 10,000 pounds of trans fats in their basement.
Computer Wins Again
A computer at MENSA headquarters has defeated it's tenth challenger in a row in "Giving A Rat's Ass!"
Colony Shows Up
The lost colony of Roanoke Island, North Carolina showed up today around lunch time. Thanked whoever it was who sent them that GPS system.
Hide The Women
Specialty store in Atlanta says that they always sell out of chastity belts when the Master's Tournament comes to Georgia.
Mel Gibson pulled over by police for driving on the same side of the road as the ones coming toward him. "I knew something was wrong! Those ***** Jews!"
Still Hooked To Nuclear Missiles
Pentagon says it needs more money from the President to update older computers as many of them have tubes out.
Americans Don't Get Enough Sleep
2010 Census early report: Many Americans sit, watch TV, Yap on the phone, text 18 hours a day and get 6 hours of sleep.
Small Chunks Out of iPads
The UK launch of Apple's new state of the art iPad will come with a bite out of just like their logo says CEO Steve Jobs.
Restaurant Closes #88
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "Awful House" Restaurant Closes.
Restaurant Closes #87
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "No Hassle White Castle (With Special Smoke Room)" Restaurant Closes.
Restaurant Closes #86
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "Tony Comas" Restaurant Closes.
Restaurant Closes #85
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "Texas Tubesteak House" Restaurant Closes.
Restaurant Closes #84
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "Taco Nell" Restaurant Closes.
Restaurant Closes # 83
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "Shake & Tail" Restaurant Closes.
Restaurant Closes #82
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "Starducks" Restaurant Closes.
Restaurant Closes #81
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "Doobie Tuesdays" Restaurant Closes.
Restaurant Closes #80
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "Sneaky Meats Hot Dogs" Restaurant Closes.
Restaurant Closes #79
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "Smoky Cones" Restaurant Closes.
Restaurant Closes #78
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "Show Knees (Owners of Hooters)" Restaurant Closes.
Restaurant Closes #77
Another victim of the bad economy, the last "Roy Roger's Triggerburgers" Restaurant Closes.
Al Fayed Seen Running with Swag Bag
Al Fayed was seen bolting from the doors of Harrods with a bag with the words 'SWAG' it is thought it containd £1.5 Billion in IOU's. He was also dressed in a convicts outfit.
Cameron & Clegg Out Shopping
David Cameron and Nick Clegg have been spotted in the leading retailer IKEA, purchasing a bunk bed for Number 10. It is unclear who will build the new bed and who will get the all important top bunk.
Hazzard Suicide #22
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by dancing with Diesel's old lady.
Brown Not Down
Stubborn British PM refuses to quit despite winning just 29% of the vote. "I think I had nearly 30%", says Brown.
Gene Sequence Predictions #7
Doctors use gene sequence to predict health risks. You will meet a tall dark strangler.
Gene Sequence Predictions #6
Doctors use gene sequence to predict health risks. You were Cleopatra in a former life.
BP Comes Up With a Slick Idea!
CCN(Crazy Cal News)Gulf of Mexico - BP announces slick idea for cleaning up the oil slick!
NY Siblings Each Win More than $1M in NY Lottery on Separate Purchases
People now follow them around touching them in an effort to have some of the incredible luck of the brother/sister duo rub off on them.
Facebook Glitches #35
Facebook glitch exposes private messages: "is 'No, I do not need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting John Goodman's pants on a plumber'...
Facebook Glitch #34
Facebook glitch exposes chat messages: "so the scout master said we were headed up Shit Creek and did everyone have their paddle so I left. You could get hypertitus in that stuff.."
Facebook Glitch #33
Facebook glitch exposes chat messages: "plus I don't see why mosquitoes can't suck fat instead of blood and Miss Jenkins looked at me as if I were nuts"
Facebook Glitches #32
Facebook glitch exposes chat messages: "thought about not going in to work today but then I realized that there are all these poor welfare people who depend on me so..."
Painting Still In Storage
Art official: painting in storage may be Raphael's. Ask Ninja Turtle to come and get it.
Human Health Affected By Oil Spill
Oil spill may endanger human health, officials say. Advise surfers to be especially careful.
She's A Pill!
America's favorite birth control method turns 50. Happy birthday to my mother-in-law on still another month-long visit.
Caught Old One-Eye?
Rape suspect one-eyed in attacks in Missouri, California. I'm sorry, that should have been "eyed".
Neanderthals Still Walking The Earth?
New evidence suggests humans inherited up to 4 percent of DNA from Neanderthals. 15% in a few, such as Schwarzenegger.
Violence Promised Unless Violence Stopped
Thai government warns of violence if violent protests don't end. Kind of like fighting fire with fire, I guess.
Mysterious 'Rebel Dog' of Greek riots becoming latest Web icon. "The thing had three heads", stated one viewer, but no one took that Sirius.
Gas Odor Source Discovered
Warren East High School in Kentucky evacuated over gas odor, finally trace it to Big David Henderson, who ate three helpings of beans & franks the night before.
Crops Take Hit
Crops take a major hit in the area flooding last week. Some Tennessee, Kentucky farmers say they may be not be able to secretly grow enough marijuana to supply Californians.
Palin Facebook Fans Unhappy
Some Palin Facebook fans unhappy with endorsement of late night info-commercial products.
Venezuela Inflation At 30%
Venezuela annual inflation rate hits 30 percent. Hugo Chavez says he's not worried. "Me and my family have plenty socked away."
Will Settle One Day
Stocks slide anew, but it's still not a correction. More like a blind panic!
Fears Intensify #3
Fears intensify about flooded South impact on US, as parents skip the evening news because of children waking up screaming at night: "Mama, that flooding in Opryland is in the closet!"
Fears Intensify #2
Fears intensify about Gulf oil slick' impact on US, as parents skip the evening news because of children waking up screaming at night: "Mama, that oil slick is out there by that old oak tree!"
Fears intensify about Greek crisis' impact on US, as parents skip the evening news because of children waking up screaming at night: "Mama, that Greek Crisis is under the bed!"
Here Today, Gone Tomorrow
Parents, looking to popular vampire books & the first family for baby names: Cullen is on the rise for boys & Malia for girls. But Miley, Jedi and Jonas are down, proving that acclaim can be fleeting.
Obama: It's All Good News
Obama says health care law already helps millions. Also that real unemployment near 17% is a good thing. Plus, all those terrorist attacks only bring us closer together as a nation.
Pieces Still Missing
Pieces still missing in NYC car bomb plot puzzle but not as many as it would have been, should it have gone off.
Just A Freak Accident
Deadly blowout of an oil rig in the Gulf was triggered by a bubble of methane gas that escaped from the well & shot up the drill.", stated BP CEO. Chances of that ever happening again are, well, 50%.
Hazzard Suicide #21
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by jumping off the Tallahatchie Bridge.
Hazzard Suicide #20
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by yelling at Dick Cheney, "QUAIL RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!"
Hazzard Suicide #19
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by going toward the light at the end of the train tunnel.
Hazzard Suicide #18
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by White Lightning enema.
Hazzard Suicide #17
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by Sending "Crazy Joe" Handcock a letter with a 'postage due' sticker on it. He really hates that.
Hazzard Suicide #16
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by riding in a barrel over the side of the 55-floor Bank of America building in Atlanta.
Hazzard Suicide #15
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by Going into the backwoods and refusing to squeal like a pig, like Boss Hogg.
Hazzard Suicide #14
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by throwing kisses at Charlie Daniels.
Hazzard Suicide #13
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by Buck dancing himself into a heart attack.
Hazzard Suicide #12
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by Lassoing the lead car at a NASCAR event.
Hazzard Suicide #11
Duke Of Hazzard star's husband committed suicide by Getting between Junior Buchanan and his biscuits and sausage gravy.
The Accuracy is Surprising...
"Not everyone who has a mustache is a pedofile, but all pedofiles have a mustache."
Activist Groups to be Designated as Democrats
Environmentalists, animal rights activists and the food police have to register with the US Justice Department as paid lobbyists for the far left liberal wing nuts of the Democratic Party.
False Morality Defined
Former President Bill Clinton being the moral voice of the Democratic Party in 2010 is like Al Capone being the honest voice of the Chicago police force in 1925.
Generations of Nuns Now Felons
The ACLU wants corporeal punishment outlawed in schools. This means that all the teaching Nuns who rapped you on the knuckles when you were bad in Catholic school are now deemed criminal felons.
Democrats keep playing the race card because the Obama administration is not playing with a full deck! This is obvious because of foolish social engineering bets being made with the taxpayer's money.
Ancient Beehive Discovered
An ancient nest of rare bees and its Queen have been found in an abandoned San Francisco CA building.
Some areas of Los Angeles CA are being overrun by feral cats. City officials have advised residents they can help by eating a pussy!
Ober Liberal Goes to the White House
A secular-socialist Hollywood CA liberal who wants government bureaucrats to provide guidance and to control all aspects of American life is scheduled to meet with King Obama I.
Man found in an alley in California with SIN tattooed on his butt. Bystanders think it was some sort of revenge crime, as a figure resembling Sir Isaac Newton was seen fleeing the scene.
Supreme Court Nominee
President Obama's choice to replace Justice Stevens must be a liberal Democrat, woman, lesbian, Protestant, vegan and environmentalist. No legal or judicial experience is required.
No Value Added Tax
Congress is considering a "No Value Added Tax" to be applied to the IRS, EPA, FDA, FAA, FCC and SEC to allow the US Treasury to recoup some of the taxpayer's money.
California man sues hospital for malpractice when sex change operation goes awry. The patient awoke with two penises!
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