Spoof news snippets from Sunday 30 May 2010
Stockpile of Tar Found in One Louisiana Parish
The tar was discovered in a large kettle simmering over an open fire. Several garbage bags full of chicken feathers were found close by along with a list of the names of the BP oil executives.
CA Medical Marijuana Club Unionizes, Becomes Even More Unproductive.
Oakland, CA: 100 employees at a medical marijuana dispensary joined the United Food & Commercial Workers Union. Management: "Jesus, we thought they were unmotivated and unproductive before.
Facebook Facing Forced Name Change
60 percent of users are thinking about leaving Facebook. The CEO of Facebook said that, according to Federal law, if the percentage of people leaving goes past 80% it must change its name to MYSPACE.
Bart Simpson charged with shoplifting.
This week Simpsons progeny Bart J. Simpson was arrested and charged with shoplifting. He was spotted engaging in what police are characterizing as a "four-finger discount".
BP Chief: "Top Kill Does Not Mean Murder CEO!"
BP PLC CEO Tony Hayward is adamant about getting the message out: " 'Top Kill' does not mean murder the CEO!"
It's a gusher!
Spoof writer has idea to stop flow of oil into Gulf, submits it at BP website. Company complains, "As you can see, we're already up to our necks in ridiculous ideas. Give us a break!"
Las Vegas Danger Downgraded
Homeland Security has taken Las Vegas off High Risk From Terrorists List. Odds now 50-1 against.
Watch Out For Camel Doo
Kurds and Arabs, who have fought for over 1,000 years, to attend Beer Conference In DC. Expect big camel traffic not on GPS system.
Mole In Iran?
Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demands to know who leaked information to Israelis that he wanted to destroy them.
Minimum Security Provided
Former members of the US House of Representatives hold reunion at the Big House.
More Outlawed Songs #25
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "R-I-G-G-I-N-G! What That BP Did To Me!"
More Outlawed Songs #24
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Give Grease A Chance"
More Outlawed Songs #23
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Emulsion Please Set Me Free"
More Outlawed Songs #22
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Tangled Up In Goo!"
More Outlawed Songs #21
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Drilling Me Softly"
Todd Bridges fears he's next on Grim Reaper's hit list
"First Dana Plato; now Gary Coleman. It's only a matter of time," said Todd Bridges, the last survivor of 80s sitcom Diff'rent Strokes. "I'd have been safer if I'd been born a Kennedy."
Cockney Curb Crawling guide to Yorkshire says 'The Brass Doors in Bradford are very tasty'
Local man Stephen Griffiths agrees they are the tastiest hookers in Britain
Dyslexic Crossbow Cannibal takes on 80's cereal advert catchphrase challenge..... and succeeds
Shreaded Whores - Bet You Can't Eat More Than Three
Crossbow Cannibal releases new book....
Shoots, Eats and Leaves : The Zero Tolerance Guide to Prostitution
House cats always want to be on the other side of door
Scientists studied to determine if cats really wanted to be on the other side of the door. The study had two identical environments with glass door. They still wanted to be on other side.
Cougar saves songbirds
Boris the cat was notorious for eating endangered song birds. An unnamed wild cougar, missing songbird songs, resolved the problem by eating Boris.
Marvel Drops Superhero
Marvel Comics drops it's latest super hero, "The Fly", after one issue. Seems the big battle on the turd turned most fans away.
Japanese Split Over Okinawa Base
Japan's socialist party has voted to leave the ruling coalition because of a row over a US base in Okinawa. "This is perfect timing", states pro-base party, with NKorea ready to attack.
Biggest US Eco-Disaster
The oil spill is the US biggest eco-disaster ever, passing even that of Kennedy Family Baked Bean Cookout Gas Attack of 1960! At least no one has died with this one.
Fans Loiter at MJ's Grave.
Michael Jackson's cemetery began removing people hanging out in front of MJ's grave. A fan group is concerned about their plans to gather at the mausoleum on June 25. The event's name: LOSERPALOOZA.
That Show Blows!
Much larger volcano in Iceland, CEO's of major airlines, showing signs they may erupt.
Applicants Offer To Work For Fringe Benefits Only.
Employees at California medical marijuana facility joint union. That should be "join" union.
Dog-faced Boy Meets up with Boy-faced Dog
They both licked each other and pissed on the carpet.
Local Man Discovers Way to Turn Shite into Cash
Mr. Simon Cowell has made a fortune from producing a constant stream of shite.
"People just pay me to produce it", he boasted
BP Switches Tactics
BP quits throwing GOLF BALLS into the oil well. Now throwing in the towel.
Local Atheist finds Jesus
"He was hiding behind my sofa the whole time. The cheeky little monkey!", said Barry Nubbins.
Plug Not Worth A Plug Nickle
Latest Attempt by BP to Plug Oil Leak in Gulf of Mexico Fails as President Obama threatens to plug BP leadership.
The rhinosaur: Five-ton horned prehistoric reptile that looked like rhino is unearthed in Mexico. Believed to be the ancestor of the modern Jackalope.
Need Concorde Back
Experts begin £15m project to get Concorde back to flying and losing money again.
Breakthrough in fight against fatal Ebola as new drug saves 100% of monkeys tested, only losing their tails. However, Males still wary about that lost tail thing.
Say no to the get-go! Americanisms swamping English, so wake up and smell the coffee, Ya'll hear?
Queen To Miss Games
The Queen to miss Commonwealth Games for first time in 44 years. "I'm simply getting too old for football".
Rags To Riches To Rags
Lotto lout Michael Carroll going back to being a binman after blowing £9.7m win. "Best six months I ever had!"
The Axeman Cometh!
The shortest Cabinet career in HISTORY: Treasury axeman Laws resigns over expenses he paid to his gay lover. Guinness approves claims.
Man Utd not for sale, they even offer their players "old age pensions"
Following AC Milan down the road to winning fuck all, Man Utd owners, the Glazers, have told the world Utd is not for sale, last reports were that Sir Alex is contemplating suicide!
"Fluffy Is Fine!"
Kitten survives wash and spin in a washing machine, being hung out on clothesline.
Top Ten Beaches
NY's Southampton beach tops Dr. Beach's 10 best. Louisiana's Oilslick Acres at the bottom of list.
If You're A Budding Killer
Violent video games are now being touted as learning fool.
No Help From Bill Clinton
While the oil well keeps leaking, everyone is wondering: "Where's Slick Willie to advise Obama?"
Obama Frustrated, Takes It Out On Golf Balls
Obama says ongoing leak of oil is 'engaging'. I'm sorry, that should have been, 'enraging'.
BP Credibility Fading Fast
AP: Spill grew, BP's credibility faded as 500 BP workers rushed in during Obama visit were gone the next day, say locals.
Poll finds debt-dogged Americans stressed out. Average pet food budget for Bowser up 25%.
Obama: If It Works, I'll Be On The Golf Course
BP turns to next attempt after top kill fails as SpongeBob Squarepants arrives today.
Getting Too Close
Concern over growing number of aircraft near-collisions. Even more concern over possible near-missings.
Pre-Memorial Day Marches
Thousands march to protest Ariz. immigration law. Today, thousands expected to march for it.
Korean Situation Needs To Be Defused
China premier: Korean tensions must be defused as KimJo declares war on Japan, SKorea and Wiley Coyote.
Need To Come Down Anyway
Groups stuggle to fund fireworks shows may just implode old abandoned buildings all over town.
Halladay throws perfect game, beats Marlins 1-0 without once spitting or scratching his groin.
Life As A Hologram
At NYC sci fest, asking 'What if we're holograms?' If so, why can't we be beamed to a second Earth. It would take us a hundred years to screw it up.
Rest In Peace
Diana's daring black dress, just discovered along with toenail clippings, goes on the block.
Radioactive Leak #2
Radioactive leak found, fixed at Vt. nuke plant. CEO: "Hey Look! Oil spill in the Gulf!"
Probably Still Live For Some Time
Radioactive leak found, fixed at Vt. nuke plant, with only a couple thousand people exposed.
Wal-Mart Cuts Prices, Changes Images
Wal-Mart makes splashy price cuts to get mojo back. Smiley Face replaced Smiley Condom.
Hopper Bikes Off Into Sunset
Dennis Hopper, Hollywood hero and antihero, lives, dies.
Better Romances, Marriages
Close Relationship with Mom Leads to Better Romance Later. Especially if girlfriend looks and cooks like Mom!
Too Close For Comfort
Concern over growing number of aircraft near-collisions after pilots beginning to recognize other pilot's face, they are so close. "I could have wiped his ass!"
Shark Fin Finished
No more eating shark fin in Hawaii after new law. It's now the whole sharp or nothing.
That Should Do It
China premier: Korean tensions must be defused. Propose sending in one million peacekeepers.
Most Americans Tarred & Weary
Poll finds debt-dogged, oil-leak bogged Americans stressed out!
Next For BP?
BP turns to next attempt after top kill fails: The lowering of the Company CEO into the break.
Germany stuff everybody again, well who else would want to win the Eurovision?
Germans, renowned for Mercedes, BMW, Miele and beating England at penalties have won it, WHAT? The biggest crap throwing contest on the planet, called Eurovision, well they can fucking KEEP IT!
Michael Moore Cures Gulf Goo
Movie-maker, Michael Moore, has aimed his biggest crap at the Gulf Goo leak and has successfully plugged it.
I just flew in from Newark
Henny Youngman we remember you, and boy are our arms tired. Happy Birthday Henny, 104 years old -- actually dead and gone.
Pelosi: It Was Bush!
Nancy Pelosi blames the Bush Administration for oil leak, the sinking of the Titanic and a bad case of the crabs.
Psychics Tell America on Larry King "We Told You So"
Psychics appearing on Larry King say they usually don't gloat about being right when talking about the oil spill disaster, but claim they did warn something big would happen sometime soon and it did.
Oct. 31, 2012 may be the scariest Halloween ever! Not because Mayans predicted the end of the world, but due to President Obama & former Governor Sarah Palin being the presidential election choices.
Ketchup is a Vegetable
A liberal think tank study has verified that President Reagan was correct, Ketchup is a vegetable. The Obama administration's obesity reduction program now includes Ketchup as part of healthy eating.
Moratorium on Laughter Called by Louisiana Legislators
The severity of the oil spill has finally sunk in and no one is in a mood to laugh, not even at stupid Uranus jokes.
Democrats Blame President Bush's Tax Cuts for BP Oil Spill
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs said "If the government had more tax money, the Interior Department would have had more people monitoring oil company deep water drilling instead of watching PORN!"
Miracle Cabbage Head
Head of cabbage discovered in California looks just like former President George W. Bush. That makes over 1,000 so far.
Limbo In Limbo
Vatican considering doing away with the belief of Limbo. "Right now the subject is kind of in 'no man's land', says Bishop Hood.
More trouble for ex-Prime Minister Brown as massive grave discovered in back yard.
Coke Ups The Ante
While Mexican Coke has the old recipe with sugar and people pay double to get these, Columbia say they may ask to put cocaine back into the still-older recipe.
More Outlawed Songs #20
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including ANYTHING by Grace Slick.
More Outlawed Songs #19
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Grease, Grease Me!"
More Outlawed Songs #18
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "The Smell Of Oil My Friend, Is Blowing In The Wind"
More Outlawed Songs #17
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "You've Lost That Drilling Feeling"
More Outlawed Songs #16
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Ballad Of Petro & Lefty"
More Outlawed Songs #15
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "The Tracks Of My Tars"
More Outlawed Songs #14
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Water Goo!"
More Outlawed Songs #13
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "I Found My Spill"
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