Spoof news snippets from Saturday 29 May 2010
Gorilla Contradicts Stone!
Signing gorilla finally admits that he had a part of the Kennedy assassination, by throwing shit at those with cameras. Oliver Stone was wrong.
This Is Nobel Material
President Obama on saving money and trees. "If you're already getting a shower anyway, why waste toilet paper to wipe?"
Fish Scare Themselves
A new study found that fish are scared of their own reflections, much like Amy Winehouse.
Ben Ladin: Conditions Less Than Satisfactory
Osama Ben Ladin makes surprise visit to Gitmo. Gives the place the white glove inspection, shakes his head and is gone before anyone notified.
For Your Ears Only
An unknown source has told something really bad on someone who has asked not to be identified who is currently living at an undisclosed location. But keep it to yourself.
Queen Elizabeth resigns to spend more time with some other family. "Fergy broke the camel's back", says one family member.
I'm Sorry, BeePee
Many parents now say there are sorry they named their kids "BeePee". Well, actually, just this writer."
BP Now To Introduce "Plan Z"
After exhausting all efforts to plug the Gulf Coast oil spill, BP's book of backup emergency protocol reads, "If plan Z fails, there are no more letters in the alphabet. Have fun."
Dennis Hopper's Wife Says Actor "Not all that sick." Hopper's Corpse Begs To Differ..
Dennis Hopper's estranged wife filed documents last week, claiming the actor is not as infirmed as he claims. Hopper responded today by dying. Husband 1, Wife 0. Death was credited with an assist.
Putin On The Ritz
Sarah Palin says that she is tired of Vladimir Putin walking around his house naked. "He knows I can see him from here. 'I' know that that thing he's wearing isn't real!"
Goldbergs On Main Busted!
The FBI say that they have found bags of cocaine in some tuxedos. Will carry out a formal investigation.
"Oh, Mimi Here Is Pregnant , Will You Include That?"
This will be the first census to add in artificial life mates. Over 20,000 Reality Dolls have been counted so far.
Any Barbed Wire?
German construction company hired to build the wall between the US and Mexico.
Wal-Mart Cuts Prices
Wal-Mart is counting on $1 ketchup bottles, sub-$4 cases of Coke and wider aisles for big ass customers to get its low-price mojo back.
Grim Warning Issued
Top Israeli scientist, Noah Scapeman, issues grim warning on Climate Change!
More Outlawed Songs #12
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Bridge Over Tar-Balled Water"
More Outlawed Songs #11
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Because Refine, I Walk The Grime"
More Outlawed Songs #10
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "People Get Ready, There Are Tar Balls A-Comin'"
More Outlawed Songs #9
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Dipsticks In Love"
More Outlawed Songs #8
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Talking About My Oil Frustration"
More Outlawed Songs #7
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "An Oil Change Is Gonna Come"
More Outlawed Songs #6
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Hey Crude!"
Chinese takeaways 'far more likely' to give you food poisoning than a kebab but bad blood pudding the worst.
Training injury cost me chance of having baby, claims gymnast who busted his balls!
All Those Tire Marks Should Warn Them, Say Police
Britain's most lucrative speed that suddenly drops MPH limit to half, trap nails nearly 1,000 drivers in just 10 DAYS (bringing in £54,000).
Had A Nip Before The Flight?
Passenger who woke to find herself alone on plane sues airline for false imprisonment, the heebie jeebies, snakes.
Forgive Me, Saint Stool!
Drink-drive priest misses, mass after being locked up by police, confesses to toilet which he appeared to think was a saint.
Murder trial almost collapses after juror 'passes her phone number to police officer'. Judge stops trial, confiscates telephone number, demands to see juror in his office.
More Outlawed Songs #5
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "I See A Seashore & I Want It Painted Black!"
More Outlawed Songs #4
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Goodness Gracious Great Balls Of Tar!"
More Outlawed Songs #3
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Don't Be Crude".
More Outlawed Songs #2
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including all songs by "Derrick & The Dominoes"
Local Dyslexic School Children Told To WANK to School
"I was surprised at the kids enthusiasm to obey the rules until I discovered the error", said their teacher.
Local Dyslexic Goes Hill WANKING
"I was wondering why my gay neighbour was so eager to come along with me on the trip", said Jimmy Jimjam.
Local Newspaper Covers Bent Copper
The small piece of copper piping was described as 'crooked', and was discovered beneath a tattered copy of yesterdays News of The World sports section pullout.
More Outlawed Songs
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "When You Fish Upon Some Tar!"
Local Cows Say They Don't Mind Alien Abductions
"It's a lot of fun and gets us out of the fields for a while", they mooed.
Fergie Seeking Funds
Shamed Fergie is seeking bigger divorce payout from Andrew. "If not, your royal drawers will be on eBay!"
Lord Prezza Accepts Title
Lord Prezza gives up class war: But I'm only taking a peerage to turn Pauline into a an honest woman, I mean Lady, he says.
Turns Down "Hair Of The Dog" For Hangover
Kitten survives wash and spin in a washing machine but does sudden flips at any time.
Celtics Back In Finals
Celtics back in NBA finals for 3rd time in 2 seasons, says math graduate from U. of Louisville.
Once There Were Twice As Many
Motorists warned to beware of moose on move as tens of millions of endangered listed animals move further north.
Hanging In There
Man crosses English Channel with helium balloons, after high winds hits amusement park.
NY Beach Tops
NY's Southampton beach tops Dr. Beach's 10 best sans oil slicks.
Violent Video A Learning Tool?
Violent video games touted as learning tool, especially for those who wish to grow up robbing banks and shooting policemen.
Ancient 'Ardi' Not Related To Man?
Questions raised about 'Ardi' as man's ancestor. Larry King says that he only remembers an 'Andi' from that region.
Not Man's Ancester?
Questions raised about 'Ardi' as man's ancestor as many argue that "Ardi" is a woman's name.
GPS System Lost?
Delta 4 rocket that blasted off on GPS mission not showing up on radar.
Sea Otter Dies
Sea otter that survived '89 spill dies in Seattle of "Tar Ball Lung".
Alaska Sues Feds
Alaska sues feds over predator control. Point out examples of babies and dingos in Australia.
Obama Asks Americans To Celebrate
Obama asks Americans to observe Memorial Day. "Remember when we all had enough money to vacation in another country? Well, actually, we still do."
"Tar Balls!" Becoming Top Curse Words On The Gulf!
Tar balls and promises: Obama visits Gulf Coast between ninth and tenth hole on near-by golf course.
DOJ, Arizona Officials Meet
DOJ, Arizona officials meet over immigration law as Arizona asks to see DOJ birth certificates first.
Not A Bad Idea
For vacationers, it's another scaled-back summer as many families exchange houses in different states for two weeks.
Hundreds without power in Jefferson County, Kentucky as squirrels declare jihad.
Oakland Pot Tax
Oakland to license, tax indoor marijuana growers. All the other US states and cities: "You can do that?"
Eubanks Has "Leno's Chin"
Bandleader Kevin Eubanks ends 18 years with Leno after finally catching "Leno's Chin" disease.
Could Be Lawsuits Against Fla. Banks
3 Fla. banks, 1 each in Nev., Calif. shut down. California bank over finances, 3 in Florida over oil slicks causing customers to bust their asses.
Lindsay Lohan wants a Chanel alcohol tag. She also wants a little nip between bracelet & tag.
The Oil Blob Of Horrors
22-mile oil plume under Gulf nears rich waters demands to be fed "or else"!
Van Susteren #2
Fox host Van Susteren asks blog readers to gauge her, if she is smarter than a fifth grader.
Van Susteren Tests
Fox host Van Susteren asks blog readers to gauge her, whether she "has enough smarts".
China offers SKorea condolences for ship sinking. "Selling Kim weapons instead of leaded cartoon toys."
Will 'Top Kill' Stop Leak Or Kill More Fish?
Americans wait to learn if top kill will stop oil although "Top Kill" isn't a very acceptable name at the present.
Hole appears in Oxford Street
Police are looking into it.
Finally Boston in NBA Finals
Sports for Girls:
At Last Orlando Not in NBA Finals
Sports for girls:
Wearing A Robe
Cher tells Entertainment Today that she is going to have to "drag my ass back to that cosmetic surgeon."
Holy Toledo, Batman Camp closes just beyond Toledo city limits!
Have To Make Do!
Mail order bride arrives at Alaskan outback in the wrong color, size and sex.
400 Years On The Job
Haitian Zombie celebrates 400 years at New England CPA Firm, Williams, Edwards & Brains!
Costco Beer #31
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Bass Pale Scale"
Costco Beer #30
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Milwaukee's Jest"
Costco Beer #29
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Goat 45"
Costco Beer #28
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Urkel's 92"
Rand Paul Asked if He's Ever Used KY-Jelly
His reply was "Sure, lots of times. Jelly from Kentucky, in my opinion, is some of the best dang jelly in the country."
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