Spoof news snippets from Friday 28 May 2010
Sully Does It Again!
Captain Chesley Burnett "Sully" Sullenberger made a 3rd straight safety landing in the Hudson this afternoon. This time in his car, while singing "Old Man River" or was when he was hauled off to jail.
Be Your Own Intern!
NEW YORK, NY - Bill Clinton has announced that he is getting breast implants. "Ah'm just cuttin' out the middleman, playin' it close to the chest," said the former Prez.
NKorea Troops Stumped
North Korea's leader, Kim, declares war on South Dakota.
But Who Will Check Up On Him?
Latest: President Obama is creating a new Secretary post to be over the many Czars.
Selling Hard Stuff Also
Mr. Softee truck driver accused of selling illegal cheap Viagra from his ice cream truck.
Limbaugh's Head Explodes
News of illegal immigrants having same sex marriage with state paying for rented hall and flowers causes Rush Limbaugh's head to explode all over the ditto-cam.
Obama Oil Nightmare
Democrats in congress worried about President Obama as he has been going around wringing his hands and mumbling, "Why can't Superman just suck it up?"
Local Man Told to Piss Off
He then proceeded to urinate the word 'OFF' in giant letters in the snow outside his house.
Local Man Gets Hand Job
Local man Barry Nubbins has taken a position at a massage parlor where he gives therapeutic massages to his clients soft hands.
Bailed Falcon is a flight Risk
The Falcon, released on bail last week for a series of aerial shitting assaults, may fly, claim authorities.
"I've seen him perched atop that mountain and he could fly at any second", said a cop.
Local Woman Has Hairy Pussy
Local woman Linda Lovelace has a very hairy Persian kitten.
She also admitted that she doesn't shave her own pubes.
Local Woman Has Dirty Ass
Local woman Mary Cockface has a mud-covered donkey in her back yard.
So Much For Scuba-Diving....
NEW ORLEANS - President Obama will be visiting the BP disaster site on the Gulf today. "I don't know what we're gonna DO there," he said, "it's not like we can go in the water or anything."
TOLEDO, OH - A woman shot her husband today for discussing penis size on a city bus. When asked why, Mrs. Pindick Harris said she hadn't time to talk, as she was going to a sale at Vibrators-R-Us.
Hundreds in Pensacola Beach say they saw a cloud that looked just like shaving foam. Air Force says it was weather balloon.
Take A Walk On The Dog Side
Lou Reed to do dog concert. "They always join in during outside concerts, anyway."
But A Big Mess Later
Two more days till BP knows if well plug try works. Say that it worked with monkey experiment.
Paid $100,000 For $10,000 Investment
Hillary: 'The rich are not paying their fair share', especially these politicians.
Republican Lawmakers Demand Oil Covered Birds in Gulf be Processed Into Fuel
Calling it a "potentially missed opportunity," Republican lawmakers have demanded that all oil covered birds affected by the BP spill be immediately ground into usable fuels.
Obama Administration Does Not Blame Bush!
The White House finally stopped blaming George W Bush for their problems. Today, the Obama administration threw Bill Clinton under the bus of the Sestak scandal. With friends like these who needs...
White House not the responsible party
White House indicates they're not culpable in the Sestak-job bribe since they had Clinton do it? Tell me, why is Charles Manson in jail? He had others commit murder and never did it himself. Hmmmm?
White House: Bill Clinton Did it!
White House says Chief of Staff Ramm Emanual had Bill Clinton bribe Sestak with a job if he dropped out of a Senate race. Says that since Clinton made the offer everything was legal.
Celibacy For Clergy Questioned
Women urge end to celibacy for clergy, especially those with the hots for their priest.
Costco Beer #27
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "And-How's-Your Bush"
Costco Beer #26
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Newcastle Coal Black Ale"
Costco Beer #25
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Festers"
Costco Beer #24
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Hide The Kin"
Costco Beer #23
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Butt Lite"
Costco Beer #22
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Bass Ackwards"
Short & To The Point
TOLEDO, OH - A man was laughed off a city bus yesterday for saying, "SIZE doesn't matter! You need only be a tender, caring lover!" The man, Pindick Harris, could not be reached for further comment.
The jury is to be seated today in the infamous Springfield wife-beating case. (No, not THAT one; THIS one: Marge Bouvier Simpson v. Homer Jay Simpson.)
For My Own (And Others) Good!
Reformed priest celebrates ten years of involuntary castration!
Tea Party In Britain
Now Michael Caine joins tax revolt: Cameron's celebrity backer warns of exodus if there are crippling hikes, people dressed as Indians dumping tea in the Channel.
"We Will Survive!"
Global warming, Nuclear wars, Worldwide plagues & diseases are all myths, say cockroaches.
Costco Beer #21
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Getting-Us Stout"
Costco Beer #20
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Ireland's Carp"
Costco Beer #19
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Lowingbra"
Costco Beer #18
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Recks"
Coatco Beer #17
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Two-(Of-Nine) Borg"
Costco Beer #16
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Old Funnywalkee"
Obama: Head For The Beach!
Obama to Americans: Go to beaches; most still open! Your chance to see history-making oil spill!
Steelers Get Quarterback Back!
Roethlisberger cleared to return to Steelers, but will have to shower by himself.
Rich Make Pledge, Poor Make Whoopie!
Rich countries pledge $4B to stop deforestation, population explosion.
Otter Hears About The Gulf
Sea otter that survived '89 spill dies in Seattle. "It's a sign", say environmentalists!
Cattle Cannot Climb
European stocks climb up big wall..I'm sorry.. European stocks climb after big Wall Street gains.
The Gunk Stops Here
Fixing oil spill my responsibility, Obama says. Then leaves for vacation.
Obama To Louisiana
Obama heading to Louisiana for oil spill update. Bodyguard to carry shoe-shield.
Tax On Marijuana
Oakland to license, tax indoor marijuana growers. So most have taken their pots outside.
Military enforcing Israel's blockade of Gaza allow frozen salmon filet, facial scrub & low-fat yogurt into the Hamas-ruled territory. Colas and instant coffee prevented. "They don't need caffeine!"
Weather Expert Predicts Hurricanes
Government weather expert warns of worst hurricane season since 1000 BC. "OK, we exaggerated but we're tired of 'oil spill, oil spill!' There will be some hurricanes."
A Simple Dogtag Change Would Be Better!
Congress moves to end ban on gays in military. New pink outfits being prepared.
Pakistan Train Passengers Unhurt In Derailment
Suspected sabotage derailing train in Pakistan not true says worker on train. "Conductor was drunk. Suddenly yelled that he knew a shortcut!"
Hacker Makes It!
Man attempts to cross channel with helium balloons makes it, but swallowed a lot of volcano ash.
Hulk Hogan trying to bodyslam "Hulk" cereal ad. Marvel Comics suing Hulk Hogan over wrestler name.
Simmons Cleared Of Charges
No charges for Gene Simmons over LA mall attack. "Sticking your tongue out at someone is not considered an attack."
NKorea Exporting Nuke Technology?
UN experts say NKorea is exporting nuke technology. Lietchtenstein: "You want to make something out of it?"
US State Department issues South Africa alert for travelers. Also "I wouldn't go to South Korea at present.
Simon To Sing!
Paul Simon may join concert benefit to help those along the coast. Requested that he not sing "Slip-Sliding Away!"
La. Congressman: This Is One Big Messs! (Wham!)
Louisiana congressman cries discussing spill, slipping and falling hard on his ass.
Obama Blames Tea Party
Obama defends handling of oil spill. "Those films on TV were rigged by the Tea Party.
Worst Hurrican Season #2
Government warns of worst hurricane season since 2005, especially if winds pick up oil spill and deposit them into ten-state rain slick.
Worst Hurricane Season
Government warns of worst hurricane season since 2005. But Al Gore says (SHADDDDUUPPPP!)
Questions About "Ardi"
Questions raised about 'Ardi' as man's ancestor. May only be a great-great (100th generation) uncle on Koko's side.
Walk This Way!
Adventurer leaves NY career to walk across US! "I want the whole county to be made aware of my being a nut", says adventurer.
"Up, Up & Away!"
USAF vehicle breaks record for hypersonic flight. Briefly entered the fifth dimension. "We kept hearing that "Aquarius Song!" states Captain.
Silly Bandz Bracelet Craze: School Ban Over Distraction. Next big thing? Colorful Ankle Bracelets say kids.
Al Sharpton The Key?
Booms along the Gulf can't block all the oil. Gulf citizens plead for Al Sharpton to bring his hair to help.
Spill Nearing $1B Mark
BP's spill costs hit $930 million! That's another 4 cents per gallon on gas for your vehicle this summer.
Clear As Mud
BP: I will 48 hours before clear if mud stops oil leak or not.
President Obama says he will observe Memorial Day by only attending where those dead that voted for him lie.
Bill Clinton Endorses "Bio Willie!"
Later retracts endorsement after learning it was new fuel marketed by Willie Nelson combining diesel fuel with vegetable oil; not a reference to his still leaking trouser worm after blow by incident.
Obama Skips Memorial Day Ceromony at Arlington National Cemetery for More Fundraisers!
Aides say he has more important things to do on the national holiday, but still thinks it would 'be cool to be buried there." Majority of Voters now agree.
UK Couple in Dubai Suffer Amputations at Wrist for Holding Hands!
Makes you wonder what the punishement for oral sex would be.
QE2 Sinks at Dubai Dock!
Investigators claim sinking was suspicious as $100M debt to heavy to keep it afloat and 'somebody must have pulled the plug."
80% of Soccer Balls Made in Pakistan! Soccer now World's Deadliest Sport!
FIFA says it will now have to scan everybody's balls coming into South Afrika
for World Cup. "We can't take the risk of anyone's balls exploding" says Security Chief Percey Montbatten.
750,000 UK Workers on Disability Payments!
In plea to continue benefits, claim laziness has caused muscles to atrophy
and now require additional benefits and homecare under EU Human Rights Act.
UK Lover Returns after Abandoning Woman 17 years Ago: Granted 1/2 Ownership in House!
Woman paid for house, made all payments, raised two children without child support and court rules she owes him half the value of the house. Now you understand impact of Sharia Law in England.
Thousand of Mexican Soldiers Invade Arizona!
Fleeing troops admit War on Drugs in Mexico is over and they lost.
Seek Asylum in only US state that will protect them from criminals.
Joe Biden is No Lynton!
Addressing a group in Belgium, Biden touted his 36 years of public service
as a member of "US Parliament" while saying Belgium was center of Democracy for the world. Hemorrhoids cause brain damage?
Kids Say the Damnest Things!
Malia Obama overheard asking Barry: "Mommy is really mad! Is it true...did you
really plug that 'ho?"
Stevie Nicks visitor attraction
Fleetwood Mac star Stevie Nicks is to open her vagina as a tourist attraction. Her refurbished snatch features a snack bar, viewing balcony and visitor centre.
Pool fans amazed by trick shot
French trick pool player Rene Marsuad succefully shot an eight ball into his own expanded foreskin in Nantes last night.
Murray: controversy over victory
Andy Murray's victory over Juan Ignacio in the French Open has come under renewed scrutiny today after it was revealed his opponent was registered blind.
Obama admits he doesn't like Brits.
President Barak Obama has admitted he has only made a fuss about the Gulf of Mexico oil spill 'so we can blame something on a nasty British company.'
Fabio Capello refusi to singi ze engleezi National Anthem
A diplomatic problem is brewing a FA headquarters, Fabio refuses to sing God Save The Queen at the World Cup, his heart is with Berlusconi!
Tiger Wood's New Lover
Just into the news room Tiger Wood has a new lover and is now dating Roseanne.
They were seen holding hands walking down Hollywood Blvd. and they stopped and kissed each other.
After Much Thought
Pope Benedict XVI agrees to allow for carbon footprint indulgences.
CIA Picking Up Chatter
The CIA in NYC say they have secretly been picking up increased chatter but it turned out not to be terrorists, but the Yankee infielders.
Action In The Surgery
London surgeon cuts off Anesthesiologist's finger after sliding on kidney stone. Sews it back on.
Costco Beer #15
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Carling's Black Liable"
Costco Beer #14
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Bladder Buster"
Costco Beer #13
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Picklelob"
Costco Beer #12
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Astronaut Pisner Beer"
Costco Beer #11
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Belcher's Own"
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