Spoof news snippets from Thursday 27 May 2010
Satellite spots white dwarf
WISE orbiting telescope spots actor Verne Troyer lathering up in shower through bathroom window. Scientists quickly adjust settings, point telescope back out into space.
No time for fiber?
"I'd like to get more fiber in my diet, but who has time?" asks woman. Spends next ten minutes choking down a glassful of artificially flavored Metamucous while her kid makes a PB & J on whole wheat.
Easy Mistake To Make
The fossil skeleton known as Ardi has now drawn critics who dispute claims that the species lived in dense woodlands or that it is a member of the human lineage. "Not unless humans had 4 legs!"
And Who Will Win the Bony Award??
LA, CA - CreamWorks Pictures, a subsidiary of DreamWorks, LLC, announces its top three money-grossing porn films so far in 2010: "Anal Lana," "Chesty Doubledee's Big Tit Circus" and, "Slut-tasia."
"HERE, SHERRY! HERE, BRANDY!"
LONDON - The Royal Corgis are missing! Scotland Yard reports, "We've learned that the Duchess of York recently bought 14 pet carriers, so there may be a connection. The poor, little buggers!"
Clinics Hurting Also
With Lindsay Lohan wearing an ankle bracelet that keeps her from drinking alcohol, three more distilleries have gone under this week.
Finally, The Experts Called In!
BP down to consulting with hundreds of two and three-year-old kids on how they stopped up the plumbing at home!
Hail Interupts Game
Golf-ball sized hail causes a temporary halt to the Crowne Plaza Invitational at Colonial PGA Tournament Thursday.
LA, CA - Snake-headed music exec Simon Cowell has sued M-TV over its newly-announced show, "The Douchebag Chronicles." Claims Cowell, "That's the working title of my autobiography!"
More SITUATION Comedy!
NEW YORK - M-TV has announced a new reality show for its fall season, entitled "The Douchebag Chronicles." Or, as it was previously known, "Jersey Shore."
All ABUZZ About Paris!
LIFETIME Television has announced a new reality show featuring Paris Hilton entitled, "The Dildo Chronicles." The thrust of the show was not available at press time.
Arizona Bans Chocolate Citing 'Extreme Brownness'
In a 28-0 vote, the Arizona Senate banned chocolate on the basis of it being "dangerously brown." Lawmakers were quick to point out that white chocolate will not be affected by this new law.
Air Conditioner Brought All Ten Inside
Number of fat ladies applying for the same job at a circus reaches the tipping point as interview trailer stands on it's end. Ten injured, one pressumed dead as they are trying to pull him out.
Finally there's an agreement in both the Senate and Congress to hit BP Oil for everything they have!
Top Nudist Movies #53
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "Warren's Piece"
Top Nudist Movie #52
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "The Scarlet Pecker Nipper".
Top Nudist Movie #51
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "Lord Of The Dings".
Top Nudists Movies #50
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "The Hitchhiker's Good To The Ford Galaxy".
Top Nudist Movies #48
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "White Thingy".
Corrupt oil culture Bush's fault
President Obama implied at his first press conference in 10 months that the "corrupt practices and culture" surrounding the oil permits issued by the Obama administration are George Bush's fault.
Local Man Has Blue Balls
"It is highly unusual. Normally tennis balls are yellow", said Roger Federer.
Local Boy Has Odd-Shaped Balls
"One is a football, the other is a rugby one", he said.
Local Invisible Man Quits Dreams of Being Hollywood Star
Cameramen struggled to make him appear in pictures.
Local Caveman invents Rock and Roll
Local Neanderthal Caveman Ug Jones, 33, has invented a rock that can be used for banging stuff with.
Later in the day he invented the sausage roll. For eating.
Obama to suspend new leases and permits for oil exploration
At press conference, Obama says he is suspending new leases and permits for oil drilling and exploration. Doesn't care if gas goes up to 10.00 a gallon because tax payers buy his fuel.
Obama Says Federal Governemtn In Charge Of Spill Since Day One
President Obama says Feds calling shots since day 1. All things BP has done or not done approved by his administration. Fails to realize that means he's responsible for 100% of delays and screw ups.
Max Clifford Stripped Of Organ Donor Card
Trading Standards have ruled that PR guru Max Clifford broke the law and committed fraud by ticking the box offering his heart to be used for the treatment of others upon his death.
Supermarkets to start selling pickled brine
"Normally we put jalapenos or hot-dogs or stuff like that in our jars. No longer! We think that our customers actually buy these things for the sweet, sweet juice and throw away the contents."
Woman dies after dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight
Heard to say, just before croaking: "It wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be".
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #1)
Jesse says he cheated on Sandra because in his mind he actually believed that he was the white trash, redneck version of Tiger "Dick With Feet" Woods.
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #4)
Jesse says he cheated on Sandra because he was ashamed of his 3 inch wienie and as everyone knows women who are completely covered with tattoos have no real preception of pecker size.
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #2)
Jesse says that he cheated on Sandra to prove to himself how much better in bed she was than plain, common, tattaooed ho skanks.
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #3)
Jesse says he cheated on Sandra because he was forced to do so by each one of the half dozen aggresively mean tattooed bitches.
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #5)
Jesse says he cheated on Sandra because he wanted the tattooed sluts to do some hardcore nasty things to him he knows his sweet, lovely, All-American wife would never dream of doing even for pay.
Gulf Oil Passes Exxon Valdez
Scientists: Gulf oil spill surpasses Exxon Valdez, nearing that of "Wildroot Cream Oil" hair oil spill of 1954.
In 5-4 Decision
Taken all together in today's world problems, the US Supreme Court rules that glass is half-empty!
Just Like Hurricanes
It figures. "Oil Slick Parties" now going on all over the Gulf.
Costco Beer #10
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Buttwhistler"
Costco Beer #9
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Schitz Stall Liquor"
Costco Beer #8
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Sandal Adams"
Costco Beer #7
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Fellstiff"
Costco Beer #6
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Johann Sebastian"s Bock"
Boy with middle name "Danger" picked on at school, suffers burns
Ronald "Danger" Pickens is currently feeling the effects of his parent's vicious sense of humor and currently in hospital after suffering 40% burns all over his "play area".
Not Good At Smuggling
Colombian beauty queen accused of getting models to smuggle cocaine is arrested in Argentinian youth hostel. Plan fails after discovery that models have too small an ass.
Decks Are Slick!
Commercial vessels removed from Gulf of Mexico oil spill clean up after crew members fall ill, fall!
David Versus Goliath
David and Goliath battle as Harrods orders roadside cafe, Hairyroids to change its sign for 'copyright infringement'
Death takes early retirement
Death wants "to spend more time with family". A new contest to take over the position will be announced in the next few days. Cadavers are said to be "pleased" with the outcome.
On The Lighter Side
"Space junk threatens 'chain reaction' that could destroy communications on Earth, set off weapons of mass destruction and kill everyone. Meanwhile, our Fergie is at it again..."
Newt Gingrich Declares "The South has Risen Again"
Sarah Palin responds "what the heck kinda name is Newt?"
Knot For Sale!
Homeowner denied mortgage by Knotheads after Japanese knotweed discovered in his garden.
Joe The Clamper
Rogue car clamper who fleeced £3k a day from 'vulnerable' motorists is clamped in jail.
Defiant residents stop gypsy invasion by digging trenches filled with water and piranha and leaving buckets of boiling oil over doorways.
Nationwide child porn ring smashed after paedophile leaves his mobile phone on the bus. Judge says most may be sentenced to wait on priests at locked monasteries.
Bare's Penis Helper #21
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Humming Dinger"
Bare's Penis Helper #20
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Carrot Ferret"
Bare's New Penis Helper #19
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Foster Banana"
Bare's New Penis helper #18
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Firmer Anaconda"
Bare's New Penis Helper #17
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "For Goodness Snakes"
Meagan McCain Suggests The Title For Ann Coulter's Autobiography
Meagan McCain who cannot stand Ann Coulter has suggested that a good title for her autobiography would be Hey Look At What The Cat Dragged In.
The Fast As The Dickens Sheryl Crow
Singer Sheryl Crow says that in high school she ran the 50 yard dash and was so fast that her coach called her "As The Crow Flies."
Kelly Clarkson's Weight Is Going Up Faster Than Tiger Woods' Libido
American Idol's first winner Kelly Clarkson called up Kirstie Alley and asked her if she had any old clothes to sell.
Where The Hell Did Jesse James' Tattoo Infatuation Come From?
Jesse James says he first became infatuated with women with tattoos because of his grandmother Gertrude "Bubba" James who had over 37 tattoos, including tattoos of cows, combines, and rooster dicks.
Richard Simmons Reveals Why He Acts Gay
Exercise and health guru Richard Simmons says that the reason he acts gay is to discourage women from hitting on him and trying to sexually seduce him.
Gulf Hotels Still Full
Spill hasn't emptied Gulf Coast hotels yet, as many purchase nose plugs, wear heavy perfume, aftershave.
NOW You Applaud!
Simon Cowell celebrated on 'American Idol' finale. Cowell: Bunch of hypocrites.
Most Use The Pill
Foreigners use the pill more, sterilization less, "Just Say No!" least of all.
Holy French Fries, Fatman!"
Report: Trans fat limits lead to healthier foods. Be sure to include it with your daily meals.
Image-conscious youth rein in social networking as over two million moonings removed from Facebook.
Breathalyzer Tests Working
Lohan's ankle bracelet has Breathalyzer technology: "Pretty rank in the mornings."
Plenty Of Mud Available
BP shoots mud at oil as Obama halts drilling plans. Borrows tons from Washington DC, UN Building.
Atlantis Last Flight
Shuttle Atlantis completes 32nd and final flight. Houston says to keep your eye on eBay for sales announcement.
Costco Beer #5
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Dos Equine"
Costco Beer #4
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Float 45".
Costco Profits Jump! Stagger!
Costco 3Q profit rises 46 percent as sales climb. Credit new low-priced beer!
Obama's plan seeks security through peace. "After it not working for thousands of years, it might reverse itself."
New Sudanese President
New Sudanese president sworn in, at, after election win!
Iceland Volcano Winding Down!
Scientists: Iceland's volcanic eruption winds down as it has grown tired of the oil slick getting all the press!
Southeners Trying To Help Stop Oil Leak
Gulf awaits word on latest bid to plug oil leak. Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas send in truck loads of "chawed bakker".
Doctors On Edge
Uncertainty over Medicare pay sets doctors on edge, looking at other careers, countries.
Jobless Benefits Extended Again
Dems scale back bill to woo votes for jobless aid which may continue until 2021.
Koreas In Pissing Contest
SKorea holds navy drill; NKorea scraps sea accord. SKorea scraps sea accord. NKorea holds navy drills.
Well Bless His Heart!
A 63-yr-old former gang member nicknamed "Satan" testified that he still has nightmares about being shocked & suffocated by former Chicago police lieutenant during a murder investigation 35 years ago.
Souter Still Works
Justice Souter may be retired, but he still works. Just wind him up and set him on the floor: "Warning! Warning! Global Warming! Danger Will Robinson!"
Two Arrested In Israel
Israel indicts 2 Arab citizens in aiding Hezbollah, Hamas, Al-Qaida, Taliban, Shiite fanatics, Sunni fanatics, PLO terrorists, Iran, Syria, Egypt, Jordan....
Now it's a frog horde in latest Greek plague. "We expect the Hemorrhoids next."
Moms Proud Of Pix
Facebook adjusts privacy controls after complaints that Mom's were putting ugly naked baby photos of their kids on sites.
Mystery Spirals on Mars Finally Explained as Martians say they honestly think they came from UFOs.
FDA Warns of Fracture Risk With Popular Heartburn Drugs. "You could break your esophagus.
Korean Civil War?
SKorea holds navy drill; NKorea scraps sea accord. UN warns of Chemical warfare with release of buried cabbage fumes.
Obama: Cuban Technology Far Beyond Our Own
AP source: Obama extends stop on deepwater wells. Cuban says they will continue to plan Gulf digs.
Oil Leak Plug Attempt
Gulf awaits word on latest bid to plug oil leak, those who caused it.
I do, I do, I do, I do.
A South African man who married four wives together says he intends to spread himself in four separate homes. Much like his wives, then.
Small vicious child kills beautiful bulldog
Adorable bulldog, "Smithy", was today brutally torn to pieces by a vicious human child. Tragically, the child was bred by the dog's uncle. The bulldog's parents are said to be devastated.
Satirist won't touch cock
"I prefer not to waste time writing silly snippets about cockerels and such," he said. "I will have a biscuit though, a ring-shaped chocolate one with a jelly star on top. Care for some tea, anyone?"
Economic bell tolls in Milan Cathedral
Prime Minister Berlusconi: Budget cuts over next two years "absolutely necessary" to defend the euro, protect battered Italian economy suffering fractured nose, broken teeth.
Chinese company installs safety nets
After ten Foxconn Technology employees jump to their deaths at work, Chairman Terry Gou says he doesn't run a sweatshop, but if safety nets don't help, he'll chain workers to their stations.
Secret of fallen idols revealed
Scientists disprove legend that stone monoliths of Easter Island were placed and given magic powers by a divine ruler. Crystal Bowersox's dismissal debunks a similar myth about Simon Cowell.
Got anything stronger?
Red Cross defends its practice of providing medical training, basic supplies to the Taliban in Afghanistan. Wounded Taliban fighters wave off Red Cross painkillers, retrieve high grade heroin.
U.S. terrorism hits new high
Department of Homeland Security memo: Number, pace of attempted terrorist attacks last year surpassed any prior year - not including thousands of attempted homicides within U.S. borders by Americans.
Palin silent on Arctic drilling
Fearing disaster worse than Gulf spill, Interior Secretary Ken Salazar postpones plans to drill off Alaska. Sarah Palin to remain silent on the issue because she aborted her governorship last year.
Los Angeles Fires Back At Arizona
The LA City Counsel indicated that if Arizona cuts power to LA in retaliation for LA's immigration law boycott, the city will be forced to cut off Arizona's supply of LA's largest export: Porn.
Heads, you win. Tails, I lose.
N. Korea sinks S. Korean warship, kills 46 sailors. Forced to choose between traditional communist ally and close trading partner, China will flip coin. Yin, North Korea. Yang, South Korea.
Anti-Arizona Immigration Law Protesters Signs Make No Sense
Anti-Arizona immigration law signs saying "No Mexicans-No Tacos" make no sense. Is everyone going to forget how to make Tacos if the border is secure? Also, no Hispanics work at the local Taco Bell.
Gibbs Tells Press To Shut The &$%$ Up
Press Secretary Robert "Dances Around The Question Like A Ballerina" Gibbs refused to answer questions about the Sestak Job scandal. Told press to "$%^ off, the people don't need to know about this!"
'Sex and the City 2' cast can't defend movie
Yes, the Middle East references in the sequel are a bit offensive, but it's the cocktail swilling, endless twattering and tacky outfits people are REALLY getting sick of.
A pretty good run
Art Linkletter dies having interviewed more than 23,000 children - while outlasting more than 23,000 other celebrity couples who married and divorced during his 74-years with spouse Lois Foerster.
Running out of manpower
BP may not be able to cap Gulf gusher: Undersea robots brought to surface to assist in processing 26,000 claims against the company totaling more than $36 million so far.
A Crude Crusade
Florida Sen. Bill Nelson (D) says if BP fails to cap leak Wednesday, Obama must "turn this over to the military." Sure, a war on oil spills should be at least as effective as a war on drugs or terror.
No time for decorum
Refering to BP's Blackwater Horizon gusher this week, President Obama told aides to "plug the damn hole." He reemphasized the point today, saying, "I thought I told you to FIX that f**king thing!"
2010: An Undersea Odyssey
Robots working frantically nearly a mile under Gulf of Mexico to plug gusher decide, when this is all over with, humans will definitely NOT be in charge of any more deep sea oil drilling.
That's some poker face
BP bets everything on ambitious deep-sea bid to finally plug gushing oil well for good. Well raps on continental shelf twice, says, "I call."
Tony Soprano, James Gandolfini, Calls Glenn Beck Satan
The news was broken by Glenn Beck himself saying that Gandolfini was wrong for calling him Satan in front of Beck's son, to whom he had to explain "No son, I'm just one of Satan's minions."
Help Finally Arrives at Oil Site - God the Almighty Appears
Not since the days of Moses has God been this angry. He promised to allow every creature harmed by the oil spill a place in heaven and the greedy men who caused the disaster can battle it out in hell.
Democrats blame George W. Bush for Gulf oil spill
Chris Dodd says Bush scuba dived to the rig blew it up. He also said "Bush did it he can fix it, Obama's not responsible for jack and will enjoy a oil free Chicago over the memorial day weekend."
Taste Best That Way
Day-Old Taco Outlet closed by the Salt Lake City's Health Department.
Costco Beer #3
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Low Brow".
Train conductor injured, as he pulled into Chicago, he caught his sleeve on the turn signal and wrenched it.
Gibbs Privately Scolded Press for Asking Too Many BP Questions
White House Press Secretary Robert "Dances Around The Question Like A Ballerina" Gibbs told members of the press: "I'm tired of your questions about BP, Lord Obama will decide what the people hear"
Costco Beer #2
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Horse Piss Light"
Costco now brewing it's own beer. For great savings on a beer that's drinkable, try their new "Milwaukee's Best Effort"
Al Puffed Up
Passers-by say they thought the wasp-sting allergic man lying on the sidewalk in New York City was a blown up advertising balloon.
Who Paid For That?
A new study shows that the US leads the whole world in the number of pets that find their way back home.
At "The Bar & Fly"
In NYC last night, an argument at a bar over whether the earth is 100 billion years old and a hundred ten billion years old leads to fatal shooting.
Today in Baghdad a suicide bomber ran his car into a suicide bomber coming into town from the opposite direction. The resulting blast left a hole in the ground big enough to hold 144 virgins.
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