Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 26 May 2010
Lack of Sleep Takes Its Toll
Len Blatt's latest novella, Iris Amis and The Onyx Ibis, has "all the simmering tension of a plate of lukewarm boiled haddock", says Pinking Scissors & Shears Monthly.
Brooch The Subject
Salvador Dali was actually very normal, and used to eat a boiled egg with an apostle spoon every morning. "That's wierd", says Dr Who fan Lara, 19, of Tarporley. "I eat my eggs with my family!"
The Legacy of King Olaf
Horse Partiesare held by Horse & Hound readers in the mostly. Not Hounds, they might fight, but just behaved Horses, are invited into the houses of people. Imagine a room full of seated Horse guests.
Hilarious Mutton Songs
Many vicarage chimneys have an inner trandle or stoor. These were often fitted between the wars, as a deterrent for climbing Bishops, who would try to get up the chimneys of the vicars they visited and intimidated with their mad regalia.
How To Stop Your Brain
The Queen, which is a famous National Monument of England, was builded in 1843 by Lord Nelson. It was constructed out of disused sewer bricks gained when Joseph Bazalgette buildeded these Cockney's Sewers. Oh yes.
Gas Shortage Threatens Ethiopia
Noel Edmonds is an annoying little tosser, as well as being a famous bearded twat whose favourite hobby is tickling trout with a false arm and hand made out of varnished papier mache.
Fun With Cyanide
...whereas Lionel Blair keeps a brace of imaginary wildebeest in a make-believe wicker goose-bottle. I am told that Noel Edmonds is a bearded twat who harbours an imaginary bearded tit in his Edwardian leather tea-cosy.
Upper Middle Nuddering and Cringeworth WI held a bear-baiting evening, to raise money for repointing the Village Idiot. A rare spectacled bear was dispatched, though the grizzly escaped and tore Mrs Yibbler to pieces.
Pederast Wedged Between Escritoire and Tallboy
Herge Dumpfelmaus, the late inventor, left a rich legacy. Among his inventions are motorised shoehorn, reversible winter jackets for tropical fish, and the Shepherd's Guide To the Expressions on Sheep's Faces.
Mitsubishi Unveil New Director
Sagittarians will be menaced by a blind arm-wrestler. Leo steeplejacks will run out of doilies. Librans will receive half a wallaby's ear in a calico parcel bound with waxen twine (it is not possible to specify which half).
Coral Atoll News
Coral Atwell has a disclaimer for our readers. "I have never seen a coral atoll, at all", says Coral Atwell. "I don't like Coral Atwell, or coral atolls, at all", says a Coral Atwell and coral atoll hater.
Home and Hearth
with Aunty Jean
I killed my neighbour, Mrs Nanketer, this morning. I had to, since she refused to come down off my roof. She was frightening the crows, and I cannot abide that. The crow is a sensitive beast.
BP Responds to Criticisms
Said one spokesperson, "You know, your fair city of Los Angeles has an open tar pit oozing putrid fossil fuels up onto the streets and you don't seem to be too concerned about that."
Ahead Of Iran
PLO records show that before he died Yasser Arafat had successfully enriched his own pockets.
Criticisms of BP's Handling of Oil Spill Continue to Pour In
"Honestly, they don't know their arse from a hole in the Gulf."
After Receiving 2M Complaints
Acme Liquid Fire recalls all it's contact lens cleaners.
Being Pretty Frank About It
Barney Frank wants to see Representative Djou's birth certificate, rear end!
Vienna Best City
Study: Vienna the best city in the world to live, Detroit, Baghdad tie for last.
Teacher and BNP member Adam Walker
has been cleared of racism charges by the General Teaching Council. He joined Nick Griffin in toasting his victory with a glass of Newcastle Pale Ale.
Bare's New Penis Helper #16
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Handy Dandy"
Bare's New Penis Helper #15
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Snake's Alive!"
Americans A Bigger Threat To America Than Al Queda
Counter Terrorism Adviser John Brennan stated at a CSIS briefing that regardless of the Radical Islamic ties between previous attacks, white christian Americans are a greater threat than terrorists.
No Way To Win
"Dance Pad" to operate computer with your feet that was created to give secretaries more exercise and less carpel tunnel, now causing painful bone spurs on their feet.
Your question confused me
Intriguingly, homosexuality occurs at nearly the same percentage as left-handedness. Study on effect abandoned when researchers realize they probably won't get straight answers from participants.
Docs Say No!
Many doctors are still saying that marijuana has no medical benefits. General response of users: "Man, what are those guys on?"
Really Fresh Chicken
KFC International has announced the creation of it's new, "No chicken left behind" program. It will start each day with fresh chicken parts. Early birds are instructed to ignore squawks in the back.
Taking A Gamble
Monaco announces that it has successfully enriched uranium.
Arrogently Smarmy Charisma Not Enough
The administration is showing frustration with the fact that despite the power of Obama's charisma, mother nature has yet to tweak the laws of nature stop the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.
Fergie Pan Handling
Scandal-plagued Fergie attends NYC book fair. "Pssst, naked photos of Charles for your garden. $15 Guaranteed to scare anything away..even illegal aliens."
Serena is flying the "vive la republique" flag on her knickers!
Jean Paul Gaultier has designed Serena's latest sexy, bombshell knickers depicting le Arc de Triomphe covering her butt hole and the Eifel Tower tickling her pussy, c'est magnifique et sacre bleu!
Hilary Clinton orders South Korea to "nuke' the North!
Mrs Diplomacy, Hilary, has told the South Koreans to blow the North off of the planet, actually the order came from Obama, he's demanding the Nobel Peace Prize once again!
Local Man's Cock Gets Stuck in Doorknob
Local man Barry Nubbins' prize cockerel Percy got his beak caught in the doorknob of the bathroom door.
He had been spying on a naked woman in the shower. The bastard.
Local Woman Refuses to Touch Husband's Cock
Barry Nubbins' wife says she will not hold his prize cockerel Percy.
She says she is allergic to feathers.
Local Man's Wife Awoken By Her Husband's Wet Cock
Local man Barry Nubbins' wife was woken up this morning by prize cockerel Percy, who crawled under the sheets after having a shower.
Local Man Has a Stiff Cock
Local man Barry Nubbin's prize cockerel Percy got covered with cement yesterday.
He is now as stiff as a rock.
Local Man's Wife Slaps His Cock
Barry Nubbins wife caught his prize cockerel Percy pecking at the furniture.
She gave it a good slap and locked him in the hen house.
Local Man Doesn't Know How To Use His Cock
He is undecided about using it in the hen house or sticking it on top of the barn for use as a real-life weather vane.
Local Man Dips Cock In His Soup
Local man Barry Nubbins let his prize cockerel, Percy, fall into his vegetable soup today.
Local Man Writes Series of Spoof Snippets using the word COCK, But Having no Connection to the Male Genital Organ
That spoof devil Jesus Budda is at it again! He has written another series of crap snippets using the word Cock.
Local Break-ins Blamed on Little Girl
"She was about four feet tall with long Goldilocks. And she broke my chair, bed and ate the family porridge supplies",Mister Bear told police.
Idols Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox Elope
"We have become such close friends," said Crystal, "that we decided to get married so no matter who wins, we both share the money and the fame."
Bare's Penis Helper #14
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "The Knocker Rocker!"
Bare's New Penis Helper #13
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Schlong, It's Been Good To Know You!"
Bare's New Penis Helper #12
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Tiger's Own"
When asked who should play Glastonbury in place of U2
Bono's doctors suggested Spinal Tap
Bare's New Penis Helper #11
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "The Bigger Jigger!"
Bare's New Penis Helper #10
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Pony Baloney!"
Bare's New Penis Helper #9
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Quicker Pecker-Upper!"
Bare's New Penis Helper #8
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Masterdinger!"
"Could Have Ran Over Endangered Frogs In Area"
Disabled grandfather arrested by EIGHT police officers, who passed three muggings, two gang fights and a car on fire, for drink-driving on his 4mph mobility scooter.
One UK City Makes List Of Best Top 50
Just one UK city makes it into top 50 list for quality of living, Hull!
Make Themselves At Home #2
Police force travellers to move on after convoy of 30 caravans sets up camp in a school area. Claim they didn't know 30 traveller caravans were in the area.
Made Themselves At Home
Police force travellers to move on after convoy of 30 caravans sets up camp in a school's lunchroom & gym.
45 Don't Buckle Up
Govt: About 45 million Americans don't buckle up. Recommends they learn to fly through windshields.
Duchess Of York Apologizes
Duchess of York apologizes over newspaper sting. "Also selling nude shots of Andrew, Queen on the 'throne'. OOPS! Well, might as well get it all out."
Bare's New Penis Helper #7
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "The Rigor Trigger!"
Bare's New Penis Helper #6
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Longer Donger!"
President New Security Goals
Obama's new security goals prize nonmilitary moves. Orders US military to issue blanks for ammo.
Cowell Era Ends
Simon Cowell era comes to close on 'American Idol' as crowd, fellow judges give him a standing raspberry.
Britain bans doctor who linked autism to devil worship.
Moms May Have To Rethink Traditions
Exercise limits: Just 1 in 5 kids live near parks. Moms still holding out against running in the house.
Mars Lander Still Silent
NASA ends effort to contact Phoenix Mars Lander. "It's in it's own world out there", states one scientist.
Little On The Hot Side
Lohan's ankle bracelet has Breathalyzer technology. Gather info already reveals that vadalia onions not as sweet as they once were.
Parker Bros Also Get Hit!
Toll Brothers takes smaller fiscal 2Q loss. Parker Brothers suffer de-evaluation of currency. Boardwalk, Park Place now priced at $1200 each.
Could Be A Problem
INFLUENCE GAME: Govt regulators hired by companies suddenly find themselves flush with cash.
Oil Spill Jobs
Short term, oil spill means mini job boom in Gulf. Plans made for another one in high unemployment areas.
Obama Plan Just Like That Of Condemned Bush Plan
Obama's border plan looks similar to Bush's. "So I slipped up during all the recent nuckklar threats", states Obama.
Ahmadinejad urges Obama to accept nuke swap deal. "OK", states Obama, "We'll send you one of ours, first."
Meanwhile, Back At TheSpoof
Mark Lowton installs tracking device to catch one-star bandit after big hits yesterday.
BP Still Making Decision
BP still deciding whether to 1. Pump mud to stop oil, 2. Shit 3. Go blind.
Now We All Know
Nicole Scherzinger wins 'Dancing With the Stars'. Just in case that one old lady in Bear Wallow, Kentucky missed it.
USA Swimming Releases 46 Over Scandal
USA Swimming releases 46 banned from organization, including team director. "It was watching those old Esther Williams films as a youngster."
NYC community board OKs ground zero mosque plans. 911 survivors OK blowing it up.
Flight Turbalence #3
Turbulence injures 10 on London to LA flight! "We were knocked about pretty good", states one shaken passenger. "And that one idiot yelling about a gremlin on one of the plane's wings."
Flight Turbalence #2
Turbulence injures 10 on London to LA flight. "At one time I was on the ceiling, the toilet door open and turds floating out..but I think they came from me", states shook-up passenger.
Turbulence injures 10 on London to LA flight. "Turbulence? why isn't he on the no-fly list?', asks shook-up passenger.
Not A Good Sign
President Wants Long-Term Unemployment Benefits extended through 2020.
Obama Gets Earfull
Obama gets an earful in clash with GOP senators and there's quite a bit of ears to fill.
Interracial marriage still rising, but not as fast. Most blame Tiger Woods.
Believe It Or Not!
Divers exploring sunken ruins of Cleopatra's palace discover statue showing that she looked exactly like a young Elizabeth Taylor.
Castle On Hudson Crumbling
Tour a real castle on the Hudson, while it still stands. If not that, spend some money buying White Castle burgers, while economy still stands.
Troops To Border
Troops to the Mexican border: Obama to send 1,200, under the charge of Colonel Travis.
Hillary Calls For Reaction
Clinton: World must act on SKorean ship sinking. "I suggest we scramble all cartoons programs that Kim watches, hit him where it hurts."
BP still deciding whether to pump mud to stop oil or to stop oil by pumping mud...we need help.
Alien vs. Predator?
In a letter to President Obama, AZ Gov. Janice Brewer requested aerial robotic surveillance craft to patrol the border region with Mexico. ExBox 360 version set to hit AZ shelves later this month.
Stocks recover from plunge
Today, stocks recovered from yesterday's plunge. Nevertheless, experts predict the plunge to re-recover as the Dow Jones industrial average continues a long, predictable trend of going up and down.
You're giving me a headache
Food and Drug Administration looks into reports of serious side effects from recalled drugs including Tylonal. Tylonal CEO reportedly taking a lot of executive strength Bayer's aspirin lately.
Fine line between freedom, democracy
Obama sends National Guard troops South to secure imaginary line separating Mexicans and Americans. Arizona school textbooks to feature maps with darker, more oppressive political boundaries.
Latest GPS upgrade no help at all
After $8-billion update, GPS system will be able to pinpoint user's location within an arm's length, but still won't help retrieve my phone speeding away in a taxi North bound on Powell Street.
Time's arrow leaves a vapor trail
Space shuttle Atlantis is set to land Wednesday morning, ending a stellar 25-year career. Its retirement is a devastating blow: Only a handful of vehicles producing 97% water vapor exhaust survive.
Make the most of public education
Palin suggests "it's time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say they're all Arizonans now." Unexpected out-of-state tuition fees drive many of her supporters out of college.
We can't stand that guy!
Police, soldiers storm Jamaica ghetto seeking Christopher Coke, wanted by US on drug, gun charges. It's personal, they say. "We're tired of his name being synonymous with American cocaine trade."
Salt of the Earth?
To show its disapproval, Israel will not send any officials to a UN conference concerning the "inalienable rights of the Palestinian people." Palestinian officials say, "That's not kosher, man!"
Super Bowl 2014 Forecast
Super Bowl goes to New Jersey in February of 2014 as warm weather teams pray for no blizzard. Millions of Dallas, Houston fans increase gas consumption, hoping to ease global temps up a bit by then.
BP prepares for "top kill" of Deepwater Horizon oil spill
Meanwhile, armies of attorneys work around the clock preparing for "top kill" of BP.
Gulf Oil Spill Victim #576
Restaurant owner Jason Boudreaux of New Orleans says sales of Blackened Snapper with Dirty Rice down nearly 100% at Crawdaddy's since news of the spill first hit the Gulf coast.
Put your money where your mouth is
BP to pump in 50,000 pounds of thick, viscous fluid to stop the flow of oil into the Gulf. They should pump in 50,000 pounds of the B.S. their public relations department's been shoveling lately.
For a Greener Alaska
Thousands of barrels of crude oil spill along Alaska pipeline as battery fails to control pump station valve. Solar powered recharger might have helped: Sun shines a scant 19 hours this time of year.
Perhaps Blue Ribbon Beer Was Served
Yesterday, Barack Obama presented a Blue Ribbon panel a Blue Ribbon for the work they have done during the Blue Ribbon Beer Conferences.
Much More Later
No new news today about the recent gossip about the rumor of someone saying something about Miley And Liam possibly breaking up.
No Pork Here!
President Obama has asked members of the Israeli Knesset ho they get rid of all the pork in the bills they pass.
Economy Pretty Bad
Today in the Senate, US senator Jim Bunning stated that the economy had gotten so bad that if we had to go to war with communist China, we'd have to borrow money from them first.
Today, President Obama stated that he had "full confidence in Barack Obama" to take care of the nation's economy plus the oil leak.
Bare's New Penis Helper #5
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Blue-Veined Special!"
Bare's New Penis Helper #4
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra "Bonerama!"
Bare's New Penis Helper #3
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra "Checkered Chubby"
Bare's New Penis Helper #2
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra "Wood, Bad & Ugly"
Bare's New Penis Helper
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra "Weinhance!"
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