Spoof news snippets from Monday 24 May 2010
Same Old Song
"57 Ancient tombs with mummies unearthed in Egypt today, 57 ancient tombs of mummies. Take one out, pass it about, 56 ancient tombs with mummies unearthed!"
Woody Allen Supports Polanski
Woody Allen Comes Out in Support of Polanski! "And why he never married the little lady, I'll never know."
Palin Accuses Obama
Sarah Palin says that President Obama was richly supported by the BP oil people. There's where the blame for the oil spill lies", stated Palin. BP, Black President. Get it?"
US/SKorea War Exercises
US to conduct naval exercises with S Korea after attack. "That and putting Donald Duck art on our ships should stop Kim", says SKorean military leader.
Fergie Faces Fiasco
'Phew, I've had a heavy day': Fergie tries to put on a brave face over £500,000 cash-for-access scandal at star-studded charity dinner. However, her other face held a smirk!
Story summarised in headline
This story been summarised in a short headline. The writer wanted to wallow in the feeling of certainty that some total stranger has read his mindless bullshit.
God is busy creating another planet and is using cannibals to do it!
Cannibal planets have been observed gobbling up their neighbours in outer space. Scientists are convinced that GOD is busy creating a planet similair to earth but this time humans will be given brains
Getting pissed on Guiness is healthy!
Guiness is medicine and been proven healthy only problems are; you end up being a fat bastard with a beer gut, apart from that, booze on!
How About A String Around Finger?
Lindsay Lohan ordered to wear alcohol-monitoring bracelet. Bracelet explodes upon placement.
No To Healthcare?
63% Now Favor Repeal of HealthCare Law. 55% now favor of revoking Nobel Peace Prize.
Bene In Danger?
Fiscal crises threaten Europe's generous benefits. Many will be replaced by 'fits'.
"I Shall Kill The Dwarf!"
France poised to raise retirement age. President Nicolas Sarkozy hints at 90!
Hu Holds Firm
Will Hu hold firm on yuan? I don't know. (He's on third!)
Oil Slick Becomes 51st State
Barack Obama announced today that the Gulf oil slick has grown to the point that it is becoming difficult to compare to any state in the upper 50, so they've decided to just grant it statehood.
Change In Attitude
Geithner softens stance on China after Chinese leader shows him three mansions built out of $100 bills.
Gaga Has Penis
Scandal Magazine says that Lady Gaga has a penis. "She has one alright. She keeps it in her purse.
Local Man is God's Gift to Women
God presented the women of the world with local man Barry Nubbins as a special 'treat' from the almighty.
The majority of women were seriously underwhelmed.
Several became atheists in protest.
Local Man Looking for Love
Local man Barry Nubbins has been searching all around town for his drunken, drug-addled friend Courtney Love.
Local Man Flirts with Death
"He kept winking at me and rubbing my leg under the table", said Death today after his romantic dinner with Jimmy Browne.
Local Man Cheats Death
"He had an extra deck of cards up his sleeve all the time", said Death today.
82% of Virgin Births Attributed to God
The remainder have been blamed on leprechauns, elves and magical gnomes.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #11
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "A Cigar Is Worn!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
RIP Ventriloquist Ray Alan
Gone to a getter clace
New Lindsay Lohan Movie Shooting on Location in Beverly Hills
Some say it's Lindsay Lohan's best performance ever--trying to appear serious as she is being sentenced by Judge on various drug-related and failure-to-appear charges.
BP Announces Plan Be as Plan A Considered a Failure
A spokesperson for BP claims Plan A, which was to ignore the leak in hopes that it would stop itself, hasn't worked so they are going to try Plan B, out-and-out lying about the severity of the spill.
Following The Gulf Scream
Most heard scream along the Gulf Coast? "You kids get in here right now or I'll beat the tar out of every one of you!"
Copernicus Reburied In Poland
Scientist Copernicus will be reburied in native Poland it was announced yesterday, right beside the "Tomb Of The Unknown Peckerhead"!
BP Announces They'll Try Stopping Oil Leak with Top Kill Method
How it works is this: the oil will continue to kill everything on the surface it touches, such as plants and wildlife, and the dead flora and fauna is then stuffed down a tube to clog up the leak.
Two New Car Museums
The last two factories left in Michigan have announced that they are closing and becoming Car Museums. Detroit will be rolling out the red carpet for tourists by this fall.
Baby Baby Baby Oh... No!
The Disney Channel has announced it will begin production of "Leave It To Bieber," starring teen star Justin Bieber as your average, everyday, tousle-haired, Lexus-driving, pain-in-the-ass pubescent.
After last night's "Lost" series finale, "The Writers Go Ape-Shit," thousands of "Leeks" (Lost-Geeks) are walking around in circles mumbling, "WHAT the FUCK?? We're still confused! O God help us!"
"That Sounded Like An Earthquake!"
FDA warns that eating too many hydroponic tomatoes could cause you to hydroplane off commode.
Bomb Makers Issue Recall
Report: 16 known terrorists got safely though Airport checks in years 2004-2008. Most only noticed as small poof of smoke coming up around their heads as devices fail.
Hurricane Hits Spill!
Weatherman in St. Petersburg, Florida predicts that this year's first hurricane will be called "Hurricane Black-Eyed Pea."
Moms Are Consistent
Thirteen year old climbs Mount Everest, calls Mom. Told to get down from there this minute before you fall down!
Three dead in Poland after nitrite oxide spill leaves thousands in stitches!
Things Will Be Different
Taliban and Al-Qaida spokesmen say that if their is another round of peace talks, they will not come naked next time because of fear of hidden bombs.
Army Specialist Resigns
Army's most senior bomb disposal officer resigns over shortage of recruits in Afghanistan, fingers.
"Midwife" Was Male!
After 20 years, "Midwife" discovered to be fake after he accidentally cuts off penis while trying to cut umbilical cord.
Now We Know!
'Lost' addresses years of questions in finale. Also, the fact that Gilligan had a higher IQ that Ginger.
Dour Cannes Fest
Death and loss dominate dour Cannes fest. Loud Wailing and beating of chests heard up to a mile away!
Astronomer Copernicus reburied as hero in Poland. "So who was the stupid one now?", asks crowd.
"Rest In Peace..Not!"
57 ancient tombs with mummies unearthed in Egypt. World Dug-up mummy population nearing one million mark.
Prozac Sales Doubles
Poll: Economists more upbeat despite deficit woes. However, 90% are now on drugs.
Campbell Soup net income down, but sales rise, as more and more Soup Kitchens appear in US major cities.
"Warship For A Warship"
Obama backs SKorea response to sinking of warship. Demands that NKorea allow one of their ships be allowed to be sunk.
Blumenthal apologizes for misstatements on Vietnam. "Although I was never actually there, I watched "Platoon" and Apocalypse Now" ten times each!"
Let's Get it On!
New Hawaii congressman hopes for quick swearing-in. Lots of hula hula girls bouncing around.
Cleaning Gulf Wetlands Impossible?
Cleaning up all the Gulf wetlands may be impossible, especially with Billy Mays no longer with us.
Two Factors To Consider
Korean tension a factor in Japan base decision to kept Americans near. Also, the fact that Russia holding military games ten feet from Japanese shoreline.
They Told Us It Was Harmless
For asbestos-ravaged town, questions persist: "Is asbestos factory down the road causing all this?"
" I Just Got The Word"
Obama tells military: prepare for North Korea, Iran, Syria, Hezbollah in Lebanon, West Bank, Taliban, Al-Qaida aggression.
Overhauls No Help #2
Landmark overhauls may not help Democrats at polls. Many voters say their wearing overhauls to offices make them look silly.
Overhauls Not Helping Dems
Landmark overhauls may not help Democrats at polls,
especially when most were against them to begin with.
Kim A "Gem"
Lee: NKorea must pay for torpedo attack on warship. While NKorea's Kim demands SKorea pay for lost torpedo.
Would Support New Auto Fee
59% of Santa Clara County, California voters would support $10 auto fee hike. 100% say "No...if it's wasted like the rest of tax money."
After Finally Spotting Cameras
TV Show 'Lost' addresses years of questions in finale. "You mean we have been on television all this time?"
Yemeni tribesmen kidnap U.S. couple near Sanaa! Wife: "See I told you we were lost!"
Let's Start By Cutting Congress Salaries In Half!
Obama seeks to force votes on spending cuts. Action could help US only being 13 trillion in debt instead of 13.2 trillion.
A Ground Roots Movement
New preschools being held in forests of Oregon, Washington & being prepared in other areas of the U.S.
Cement Hard To Float
AP IMPACT: Bad cement jobs plague offshore rigs! Gambino family attorney: We could have told them that!"
Where's Hawkeye, Hot lips?
Obama tells military: prepare for North Korea aggression. A little late after they have a ship sank.
About Time, Don't You Think?
BP's ability questioned as Gulf oil chokes marshes and destroys the whole Gulf area after one month, being questioned by President Obama.
The Fire In Myanmar
A Huge fire breaking out at Myanmar's main market a real Burma!
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #10
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "Little Shop Of Whores!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teen #9
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "Cap Beret" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #8
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "Seven Rides For Seven Brothers!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musicial Favorites Of Teens #7
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "The Spazz Singer" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #6
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "Bedside Storey" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #5
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "My Pair, Lady!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites For Teens #4
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "Porgy & Meth" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
Secretary of state Clinton: With North Korea just feet away and maybe having nuclear weapons, South Korea's security situation 'precarious'
Do You Suffer From Omnipotence?
You're the only one who does.
No room to move, let alone dance
Popular San Jose nightclub Elbow Room faces either drastic remodel or name change. Burgeoning crowds jamming the dance floor complain, "There's barely enough room to breathe anymore!"
This is a "salsa bar," right?
Dancing, drinking Columbian tourists kicked out of San Francisco taqueria. "You misunderstand, señores," said owner Don Miguel. "We only serve tacos. Now get that Conga line out of here!"
The Original Name of Walt Disney's Famous Mouse
Walt Disney stated in his autobiography Mickey Mouse This that the original name of the famous mouse was "Rat's Ass" but he changed it at the last minute for the obvious reason.
Herman Melville's Moby Dick By Any Other Name
Herman Melville, who wrote the sea classic Moby Dick in 1851, said that it was originally titled Moby Penis.
Joan Rivers Looks Like A Damn Freakin' Space Alien For Goodness Sakes!
Joan Rivers, who is rivaling Heidi Montag in the plastic surgery department, has admitted that the only thing on her that she has not had lifted is her dress.
Jane Fonda's "Barbarella" 42 Years Later
Jane Fonda will soon begin shooting on the sequel to 1968s Barbarella. The sequel is titled, Hagarella - The Cellulite Years.
The Truth About The Great Short, Short Story Writer O'Henry
The famous short story writer O'Henry revealed in his autobiography that he did in fact take his pen name from the candy bar.
Sarah Ferguson makes public apology
Yeah right. Like we're interested? Sorry you got caught? Or sorry for being ginger?
BA's Willie Walsh fails job interview
Richard Branson tells him to 'get stretched'
Good news for ethnic minorities
Duchess of York says Prince Andrew is 'whiter than white' Jackson family alerted.
Duchess of York takes 40 grand in cash
And the table, and the lamp, and some towels and a dressing gown. And a sachet of sugar.
Duchess accepts $40.000 on the table
Says she thought she was on 'Dickinson's Real Deal'
Children Hooked On Tobacco
Health officials in Indonesia say that children as young as 9 have a cigarette habit. "They see older twelve year olds at work and they think it's cool."
New Book Explains Everything
Conn. Att. General Richard Blumenthal says all misconceptions about his military service will be cleared up in his new book detailing his Vietnam experience, "Vietnam? I Thought They Said Vienna"
Man of the People
President Obama says he is a man of the people! Translated, this means 50% of the people pay taxes, while the other 50% live off the first group!
Psychology 101 Experiment
House Speaker Pelosi has devised an experiment that causes Democratic far left wing liberal house members to salivate. The speaker merely says the words "tax and spend!"
BP CEO Comments on Oil Spill
The oil spill is not too bad, as now all the shrimp, crabs, oysters and crayfish harvested from the Gulf of Mexico will be packed in natural oil!
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #3
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "Annie's Pinched your Bum!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #2
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "Spermalot" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Favorite Musicals Of Teens
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "The Groin King" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
"Did You Record The Called-In Tip?"
FBI extremely disappointed that the bones they found under old Yankee Stadium are those of Henry Hoffa, Jimmy's uncle.
FBI Give Up
FBI give up on trying to find Obama's birth certificate. "Well, back to that Hoffa case!"
Couple Turned In For Watching Porn With Kids In The Room
"Some parents like us worry that their children are watching too many kid's shows on TV. How will they ever grow up?", asks the thoughtful couple.
Least Popular Book #35
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Pimple Abundance" finished near the bottom.
Least Popular Book #34
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "A Million Little Feces" finished near the bottom.
Least Popular Book #33
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Breast O' Mint" finished near the bottom.
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