Spoof news snippets from Friday 21 May 2010
BP Executive, Tony Hayward Flies Home to Celebrate his Birthday
As residents of the US Gulf states stay behind to curse the day he was born.
"Did Anyone Read Article?"
Miss Nude America apparently did or said something because her picture was on the front page of all of today's newspapers.
Sun Flares Messing With DC
Another sun flare oddity as everyone in Washington DC gets a message between two security guards that there are sun flares that are causing the wrong people to get messages.
FBI Find Cheney's Secret Location
The FBI says they have discovered former VP Dick Cheney's undisclosed location and that it appears to be the same place Marilyn Monroe hid in the early '60's as some of her stuff is still there.
CIA Stops Snoops
The CIA announced this morning that they had managed to stop an FBI investigation before it could cause any real harm to them.
UK prisons are full, in fact there are now waiting lists for those wishing a bit of bum!
UK prisons are full and the number of inmates has hit a record high, one of the main reasons is "womens lib", many men can't get pussy anymore so they are now preferring a bit of BUM, it's cheaper!
Older Americans Heading For Oil Spill Waters
Older tourists flocking to the Gulf after reading article about outbreak of the shits. "We're here to take the waters", stated one old guy from Chicago. "I already feel like a new can!"
The Sorceror, Van Gall, meets his apprentice, Mourinho, in a clash of the "special ones"!
Who will spank who's bum tomorrow when the apprentice takes on his master sorcerer in Madrid in the magical clash and who will be crowned the real 'special one" certainly not Sir Alex Ferguson!
Barney Frank Takes Two Awards
Senator Barney Frank wins two awards as the only left-handed, Gay, Jewish Senator ever in the US Senate and for the longest turd measured at 22 1/2 inches by Guiness people.
Who's Who Of Riot Squads?
Thailand riots grow worse as many have now switched sides.
Underwear Czar Named
President Obama names "Snuffy" Smith Underwear Czar to head up officers that will check through your underwear drawer to see if you've hidden any secret shit.
Obama Shrugs Off Warning
President dismisses the latest video from Bin Laden who claims a suicide bomber will soon hit the Space Station.
Cyclist: I Can't Win!
Former winner of the Tour De France tests negative for telling the truth. Many don't believe him, saying, "If he lied back then, he could be lying now."
Sugar Daddy Rots Girlfriends Teeth
Local girl Linda Airhead, 18, lost all her teeth after she couldn't stop licking her older boyfriend, Barry Splenda, 92.
Man in the Moon Quits
"I'm sick of being up here all on my own. I want to travel and see other places - like Jupiter or Uranus", he said.
Jack From Jack & the Beanstalk Apologises For Financial Crash
"I'm really very sorry. I was sure those magic shares I swapped the cow for were going to increase in value" he squawked.
Fossiized Prick Discovered
Scientists have uncovered the fossilized remains of the worlds first Prick.
He was discovered holding a handful of Stone Age party poppers and bangers.
Local Man Hides Dick
During a community game of Hide & Seek, local man Timmy Titface successfully hid his neighbour Dick Browne for almost hours!
One Is By Land, Two Is By Sea!
Environmentalists fear that long term oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and Iceland volcano may join forces.
Sex Offenders Lifers
The Supreme Court declared that sex offenders can be held indefinitely, even after their sentence is complete if they are considered dangerous. Roman Polanski now at the begging stage.
Food Pyramid Changes Again
Official "Food Pyramid" may change once again to lower amount of calories and fat in some items, as National Union of Models & Bulimics through their weight around.
Sneaky The Bear Confesses
Smokey's grandson, Sneaky, may be guilty of starting some of California wildfires the past two years. Smokey had him turn himself in.
Habit Hard To Break
Congressman who sponsored bill against cockfighting caught with rooster feathers stuck to back of pants.
Labs move begins to lift mystery around New York island just as "Lost" has it's final episode!
Found Drawn & Bordered!
Local Muslim attacked by party of wild-eyed cartoonists!
Least Popular Book #5
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Oh The Bases You Will Go" finished near the bottom.
Least Popular Book #4
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Nutbook" finished near the bottom.
Least Popular Books #3
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Secret Life Of Titties" finished near the bottom.
Least Popular Books #2
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Twilight's Neck Biters" finished near the bottom.
Least Popular Books
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Clogged Cistern Prophecy" finished near the bottom.
BP Can' Use Our Excuses
Congress has told BP that they can't "label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence." "We patented that many years ago".
Obama Raising Taxes
President Obama says he will raise the taxes to help the poor. "Most of you don't like that idea, but just wait until you're poor."
GOP Loves The Earth
Republicans in congress say that they love the earth just as much as Democrats. "After all, we own more of it than you do."
Affleck Critical Of Movie Role
Ben Affleck says that playing in the movie "Pearl Harbor" was a "date of infamy".
Dick Cheney's wife defends him from those who say he is harsh. "Dick has a pig's heart as big as all outdoors!"
Mime of California street bugging people arrested, told that he "had the right to remain silent."
Bomb In Knickers?
"I've got a bomb in my knickers': Hoax terror threat woman jailed after drunk call. Claims she said "bum" not "bomb"!
Mad Fox Attack
Caught on camera: Man survives attack by rabid fox thanks to Vietnam training as rabid fox falls into hastily dug fox hole.
Woman Wins Suit
Woman sues Orient Express after breaking her neck on 60th birthday gets free ride tickets for life!
Scientist accused of playing God after creating artificial life by making designer microbe from scratch - but could it wipe out humanity? Scientist: "Were on our way out anyway."
"Lost" Gets Emmy Exemption
Extended, 12-episode 'Lost' finale gets Emmy Awards exemption!
EPA Issues Warning
Children, some adults warned not to light farts anywhere near the Gulf coast waters.
Still Creeping North!
CDC: Look before you leap into dirty public pools as oil spill showing up in odd places.
Walk This Way!
Astronauts make 3rd and final spacewalk of mission as no one thought to bring talcum powder.
Looks Bad For Fishermen
Month into Gulf spill, fishermen see bleak future. Doctors tell them that they shouldn't have been out there for a month.
Probably Should Have Estimated
At worst, oil spewed already could fill 102 gyms. Schools demand government clean up those gyms, first.
Thai PM Calls For Peace
PM calls for reconciliation to heal Thai divide. Could allow 10,000 prisoners of 100,000 to leave as a good-will gesture.
Cher, Rivers Volunteer
A step to artificial life: Manmade DNA powers cell. Cher, Joan Rivers offer to volunteer as they are 50% already.
Hillary Hits NKorea Hard
Hillary Clinton: North Korea must face consequences for sinking South Korean boat. Suggest that all delegates stick their tongue out and wiggle fingers extended from ears.
McGruff Calls In McDuck
Consumer watchdog eyes lenders in new bank rules as McGruff calls in Uncle Scrooge McDuck to help.
A month in, outrage over Gulf oil spill, actual oil spill, grows.
BP Getting Desperate
BP, desperate, now trying to stop oil spill by filming the leak and running the film backwards.
Quick To Catch On!
Underwater video shows oil spewing from the site. "So THAT'S where all that stuff is coming from", stated Katie Couric.
Fried Chicken Box Derby
Soap Box Derby this weekend at Phil Moore Park. Smaller group of participants as many kid's ass too big to gt into regulation-sized seats.
Lohan Back Home #2
Fresh from France, Lohan comes home to legal woes, after deciding not to LiLo.
Lohan Back Home
Fresh from France, Lohan comes home to wiggle those. I'm sorry, that should be "legal woes".
A Rocky Ending
Targeted for death, Vt. moose gets a reprieve, However, flying squirrel put down.
Long Sentence Given
Madrid airport bombers given 1,000-year sentences. Judge: "You'll be among the first to see the new millenium.
Officer Down! Pecked!
Hundreds of birds seized in cockfighting raids as twelve officers suffer injuries, three pecked & spurred to death.
Bank Rules Change
Congress OKs new bank rules for credit, securities. "If you don't need it, we'll loan it to you", changed to "We'll loan it anyway, but at 20% interest."
Chocolate Fight Aging #3
Can chocolate fight aging and make your skin glow?."I don't know about glow, but it's sure made mine grow", say 500-pound lady.
Chocolate Fights Aging #2
Can chocolate fight aging and make your skin glow? People Do still fight over the last candy bar, even after 70-80 years old.
Chocolate Fights Aging
Can chocolate fight aging and make your skin glow? Most willing to give it a try.
Early HTC Evo 4G reviews are rolling in! I shit you not.
Artificial Life #2
A step to artificial life: Manmade DNA powers cell. However, most in Hollywood have been living artificial life for years.
A step to artificial life: Manmade DNA powers cell. Alarmed citizens out in mobs with torches, ready to chase the first one down.
Island For Sale
Lab's move begins to lift mystery around NY island as all half-humans, half-animals put down and evidence destroyed.
Intelligence Director Fired #2
Intelligence director knew his days were numbered. "All you have to do is look on the calendar. See those little numbers? Those are days."
Intelligence Director Fired
Intelligence director knew his days were numbered. Tells reporters, "that's why I'm in Intelligence."
NKorea Fletches Muscle
UN Command to launch South Korea warship sinking probe. Maybe torpedo hit from North Korea was unintentional.
UN A Paper Tiger As Usual
UN Command to launch SKorea warship sinking probe. They already have hard evidence but want to stall until it's forgotten.
A month in, outrage over Gulf oil spill grows, BP now trying to shovel out oil spill.
One Month In
A month in, outrage over Gulf oil spill grows, as President still looking puzzled, finger up his ass.
Some Pizza in Naples May Be Baked by Using Wood from Caskets
It's pizza to die for.
Evidence Proves N. Korea Sank S. Korean Warship
Finale of hit sitcom exploring the ensuing conflict, M*A*S*H: Series II, expected to claim most-watched television episode viewing record around 2040.
U.S. Seeks "Full Transparency" in Gulf Oil Disaster
Experts indicate this expectation is highly unrealistic, as the Gulf of Mexico's waters were already very cloudy and quite heavily polluted even before the latest spill.
Tesla Declines Toyota's $50 Million Offer
In their trademark T-shirts and blue jeans, Jeff Keith, Frank Hannon, Brian Wheat, Troy Luccketta, and Dave Rude of the popular Sacramento, California rock band said, "You can't buy us, man!"
Long-lost brothers reunite via twitter, tweets fly
It's only been a few days since they found each other at the site, but users of the popular social network say they're already getting sick of the pair's constant online bickering.
BP May Cap Blackwater Gusher by Week's End
Quantum physicists note there's also an incredibly remote chance that all the spilled oil will spontaneously rematerialize back in the deep sea well as if nothing ever happened.
First Lady with First Graders
A elementary school student asked if her parents were going to be deported.The response was We'll look into of which shortly there after her parents and rest of her family were deported by the INS ?
Quantum Entanglement Clocked at 10,000x Light Speed
This means that, should it prove possible to use entangled particles for communication, we will be able to transmit misinformation at rates that could only be imagined a few years ago.
Debate heats up about global warming on The Weather Channel. Chair thrown!
Nero Didn't Fiddle Around
Historians say that Nero couldn't have fiddled while Rome burned as fiddles weren't invented until later. What he actually played was the fool.
New York City and most of northeastern US bracing themselves for next Al Gore predictions!
Study: Lowland gorillas in Uganda have not only learned to fish but even lie about the one that got away.
It's A First
"Git Wid It" become the first bluegrass band to climb Mount Everest.
No New planet
Scientists admit that discovery of strange new planet yesterday was just a piece of dust on Hubble Telescope.
Prozac Helps Some
Prozac shows Effective Against Mad Cow Disease but has no affect on PMS.
Same Sex Marriages
The Supreme court has ruled that same sex cartoon characters my marry, those puppets, like on Sesame Street cannot.
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