Spoof news snippets from Thursday 20 May 2010
New Dostoyevsky Novel Doscovered by Retired Clown
Famous Dr Who villains the Daleks have been misunderstood, claims expert Professor Giles Dripper. "Daleks are friendly costume-crazy cosmic judges, man", he says. "They're saying 'extra ermine, mate', not 'exterminate'".
Susan Boyle to Climb Everest
The beard of Samuel Plimsoll has been stolen from the Plimsoll House Museum in Folkestone, Kent. Plimsoll left his beard, as well as a box of his Plimsoll Lines, to the museum when he died in 1898.
Tea and Syncope
Helen Mirren's waxwork is to be invited to join the Con-Lib coalition cabinet alongside Home Secretary Theresa May. It will introduce a certain 'gravitas', said a spokesgit yesterday. 'Phwoar!" said Foriegn Secretary Lord Vague of Arkengarthdale.
Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit
What about apples? And you could try the mysterious pomegranate, or the exotic lychee. We must not neglect the Porthmadog guava plantations, nor the vast Littlehampton rhubarb meadows. Luskin & Flapp's Manures Always Hit the Spot.
From Bureau's Kitchen
Here's a Thanksgiving tip for later in the year: Growing your own fresh herbs now is easy and they'll make your turkey stuffing better than ever. That's my sage advice for the day.
Mating Barnacles "Turned Off" by Solar Winds
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg's speech today was the best political joke since 1832, when the Marquis of Crumplehorne accused the Minister for Transport, Lord Poultice, of being a Highwayman in charge of the highways.
Gilgamesh & Nuttering held a cannibalism day, to raise money for the repointing of Lord Blasting's butler. Spinster sisters Elsie and Agnes Juddering won first prize, for making the Bishop of Pandering into a 'beef' wellington.
Home and Hearth
with Aunty Jean
No, Mr Tuatt of Clun, Shropshire, of course a pacific yew mantelpiece will not fit onto your grey 1954 Austin A55. It would be more suited to the two-tone Austin Cambridge van. Why not try juniper?
Mole Rustling Scourge Hits Denbighshire
For Capricorns, a meeting with Ferdinand de Lesseps is a remote possibility. Best to dig out that doublet and hose. Female Pisceans who do not wash their private parts are wasting their time: Napoleon is dead.
Has anyone noticed that prospective M.P.'s were all over us like a rash, and since then they've been hemorrhoids, well hidden and rubbing cosily against each other somewhere we're not allowed to go?
Oxford Fraying at the Edges Says Study
Even Harry Houdini could not compete with Christian mystic Meister Eckhart, who not only kept an imaginary covey of wingless grouse, but kept them in an imaginary impossible housing - a glass-filled tank made of water.
Among the WIs
Hindmost & Thumper hosted a ground glass cookery evening in the Ernest Thrittle Memorial Abbatoir. Mrs Repulsive won most lethal dessert with her tapioca surprise, which had Reverend Beastward vomiting blood in no time.
David Cameron's Ears "False"
...imaginary spectacled bear, whereas Paul Gascoigne keeps a walk of Ecuadorian sea-snails in a disused bedpan. Lionel Blair, on the contrary, keeps his snails in a secret drawer of his escritoire.
Disgraced Tour de France champ's confession: "I came to Paris and had red wine with fish!"
Plug Better Work
Louisiana shore sees heavy oil as BP prepares plug. "Yoo not plug soon, we plug you", say Cajuns!
Replaces Suzy Squeezums!
US scientists create 'artificial life'. Might mean a Synthea Swingtail for maid service in the near future.
Artificial Life Gives Hope To Nerds Everywhere
US scientists create 'artificial life' as Obama says he may send one million more troops into Afghanistan in a few years.
Beer Linked To Uh...Belly?
'Beer belly' linked to Alzheimer's disease....'Beer belly' linked to Alzheimer's disease.....'Beer belly' linked to Alzheimer's disease!
Merkel Wants Tougher Regulations
Germany's Merkel calls for tougher finance regulation. Blames Jews for the whole Greek mess.
BP Spokesperson Announced
The new spokesperson for th new BP commercials? Betty White! "Awwwwww"
BP Changes Name
BP officially changes it's name to Bunnies and Ponies.
Connecticut Attorney General Blumenthal Misspeaks Yet Another Time
Blumenthal has gone on record apologizing for misleading his constituents into believing he served in Viet Nam. "What I meant to say is I became known for my tennis serve at the local country club."
Connecticut Attorney General Blumenthal Misspeaks Again
Not only didn't Blumenthal serve in Viet Nam during the war, but now it has come out that he isn't really a man. "I regret telling everyone I am a man of honor when in fact, I'm not a man at all."
Lady Loses 30 Lbs In A Week
Woman who lost 30 pounds in a week tells how she did it. "I just skipped that sixth meal", stated 625-pound tomboy!
LOST and Found
LOS ANGELES - In a surprise move, ABC television announced today that there will be a sequel to "LOST," entitled "LOST 2 - The Eating of Hurley."
He's Back At It!
Making it's debut this weekend in 3D: "How The Grinch Stole Memorial Day"
Weather B. Goode
Climatologist to crowd: Is it hot this year or is it me?
Say They Are Direct Descendants Of "Chief Missing Link"
New evidence surfaces that Native Americans were the first to discover America.
SHAM Claims Credit
Moderate Terrorist Organization "SHAM" takes credit for toilet papering the White House Rose Garden last night.
BP: Don't Worry About Spill
BP Oil says their prices at the pumps will not go up because of oil spill. "They were already going up for summer, anyway."
Oil Spill Reaches California's West Coast
Governor Schwarzenegger threatens to boycott Louisiana.
Cameron Meets French Dwarf
Cameron meets French dwarf president Sarkozy in first foreign trip as PM, apologizes for earlier remarks.
Obese To Be Paid
Obese people who manage to lose weight could be PAID by the NHS! So eat, drink and be Moby.
Panthers & Tigers, Oh My!
Girl, 15, tells of terror after being stalked through forest by a big cat she claims was a PANTHER! Close, it was actually a TIGER practicing on course on other side, looking for sliced gold shot.
Cameron and Clegg risk grassroots fury by ditching key manifesto pledges. "It's a tradition", states Cameron.
Local Farmer Sends Animals to Boot Camp
"My sheep were too sheepish and my chickens are, erm…chicken", he claimed.
Local Man's Cock is as thick as His Wrist
Local man Barry Nubbin's prize cockerel is very fat.
"His neck is as thick as my wrist", he proudly boasted.
Local Man Has a Funny Shaped Knob
Local man Jimmy Jockstrap bought a doorknob with a very unusual pattern at the Hardware store yesterday.
Local Man's Goose is Cooked
..and now he will eat it with some potatoes and carrots.
Local Shite Tastes Like Shite
A local restaurant - which received no Michelin Stars - has admitted that it pumped 'food' directly from the lavatory.
Woman Arrested for Tasering Fast Food Employee
A Florida woman wasn't happy with the service she received at the drive-thru window, so she inside and used her pink taser gun to light a spark under them "damn shiffless burger flippers."
Let's Go To $125 A Barrel
Big BP oil release into the Gulf of Mexico has OPEC countries dancing a jig.
Birds Migrating West
Birds migrating west has scientists puzzled. Could earth be shifting on axis? Or was it the rivers near chemical plants where the birds rested overnight, throw them off?
Government says US airfares fell in 4th quarter, but that only a couple actually hit the ground.
Clderon Urges US Curb Demands
Mexico's Calderon urges US to curb drug demand. "You're placing us in a civil war near the border. Can't you grow your own?"
It's Now The Law
Lawmakers agree to extend penis ads, unemployment benefits.
The new China
A Chinese university professor has been jailed for three-and-a-half years after organising a swingers' club and holding private orgies at his apartment.
Church warns BBC not to cut religion
The Church of England has urged the BBC not to cut any more religious programmes, warning that the Corporation (CoE Ltd) is in danger of losing sight of its customers.
Scientists devise algorithm to detect sarcasm
In a related story, TheSpoof.con writers devise algorithm to detect nerdy scientists.
Britons 'spend more web time reading news than looking at pornography'
And is that London Bridge for sale again?
Liechtenstein apparently hit by meteor on Monday, just missed it this morning.
Soldiers On Steroids
US Military tests show that soldiers on steroids actually do worse than those not taking them. "Sure they're more aggressive, but they don't have big enough balls to us it."
Fighting bull cloned for 1st time in Spain. "Still 4-5 years away from a matador", they explain.
China Training Pandas
China to train pandas to survive in wild. Rehearse with hunting parties using only blanks. Take away their unicycles.
Net Income Falls
Sears' net income falls on higher costs. "We barely break even on nets anymore", states CEO.
Merkel For Regulation
German Chancellor Merkel calls for tougher goose-steps on regulation.
There's A Connection Here
Jobless claims, alcohol sales, rise by largest amount in three months!
Space Station Addition
Astronauts open space station's newest room, the holodeck!
Merkel Asks For Signal
Merkel: need 'signal of strength' on regulation. "Either that or the 'Bat Signal' like they have in Gotham."
Calderon Before Congress
Mexico's Calderon hauls his ass to Congress. I'm sorry, that should be "takes his case".
'Modifying' Miranda modifies the political debate: "You have the right to call your opponent a Jackass!"
Kagan Passes First Test
Kagan papers shed light on nominee's personality. Ink spot identification tests are next, followed by marathon.
Clinton In Asia
North Korea crisis looms as Clinton heads to Asia! Reports torpedo just missed helicopter landing.
Island For Sale
NY island site of animal disease lab may be sold by Moreau family.
Pirate wanted by the United States arrested in Somalia! "Long John Abdikarim" to be deported.
NKorea Threatens War #2
North Korea warns of war if punished for "our South Korean ship sinking which we did not do."
Ocean's Depth, Volume Confirmed
Ocean's Depth and Volume Revealed! Results withing point one percent of that by Nostradamus.
National Guard On Borders?
Senators press for National Guard troops on border. Obama may agree to send them everywhere but Arizona. Arizona say they already have enough volunteers.
Board Not Bored
Local Board gets input, cash, women, on what projects to fund.
Census Figures Coming In
New census shows that Mormon Sect men with 20 or more wives admit to using Viagra, pumps, headache excuses.
Landis Admits Drugs
Floyd Landis admits using performance enhancing drugs. Cyclist was suspected already because of finishing one day ahead of second place finisher.
George Forgetful In Older Years
George Washington's library book returned 221 years late . Descendants to pay $150,000 fine.
Coffee Maker A Fire Hazard
GE coffee maker recalled due to fire hazard after tests performed by fire departments show these melt fast when a fire breaks out. Butter also recalled as fire hazard.
Teacher Gets 100 Year Sentence, Priests Are Still Free
A Pennsylvania newspaper says the Milton Hershey School has paid $3 million to compensate five former students who claimed they were sexually abused with chocolate syrup.
Oil Arrives #3
Oil's arrival in loop current has Fla. on edge. Nudists already being cleaned up by volunteers.
Fla. On Edge
Oil's arrival in loop current has Fla. on edge as first 'oily bird' specials begin.
Oil's arrival in loop current has Florida on edge, of the North American continent.
Gays Should Avoid Malawi
Gay couple sentenced to maximum 14 years in Malawi prison where 50% are now gay periodically.
Paintings worth up to $613 million stolen in Paris. Most by Picasso during his early "Refrigerator Door" stage.
Met Presented To Civil War Soldier's Family
147 years later, Wisconsin Civil War soldier gets medal. Family ends 145 year protest march.
NKorea Warning #2
North Korea warns of war if punished for ship sinking, having a crazy leader.
North Korea Threatens War
North Korea warns of war if punished for ship sinking, rockets toward the south. "Oh, that hasn't happened yet", one General apologizes for 'jumping the gun'.
"Boring But Someone Had To Do It!"
Ocean's Depth and Volume Revealed! After scientist carefully study the world's oceans, beaches and bikini sizes.
Just An Estimate, But A Good One
Ocean's Depth and Volume Revealed! Scientists estimate total volume & depth after 20 year study on French Riviera.
But Does It Really Matter?
Why We Exist: Madder Wins Battle Over Antimadder. I'm sorry, that should have been "Matter".
What's The Matter?
Why We Exist: Matter Wins Battle Over Antimatter. Most are asking: Why does it matter?
If Not, Why Are We Here?
Why We Exist: Matter Wins Battle Over Antimatter. After careful study over past 100 years, matter wins..or we wouldn't exist.
Thai Guv Cracks Down
Thai govt declares protest violence mostly quelled. At least a full third of the country quiet, without riots.
Greek Protest Non-Violent
20,000 people in Greek protest march to parliament, stand around, shrug and leave.
What Are Those?
Britain brings out the 'What's Its' as mascots to 2012 Games!
Dernberg: Germany had a right to sink Lusitania regardless of passengers aboard
In a statement issued early this morning, Bernhard Dernburg claimed that because Lusitania "carried contraband of war" Germany had had a right to destroy her regardless of any passengers aboard.
President Barack Obama vows to pursue sanctions against Germany in wake of U-boat sinking of the RMS Lusitania
Sources say President Obama is committed to sanctions against Germany after the torpedoing of RMS Lusitania by SM U-20 off the coast of Ireland yesterday, killing 1,198 of the 1,959 people aboard.
GERMANY: White House says sinking of the Lusitania an act of aggression
White House says sinking of RMS Lusitania today by German U-boat SM U-20 an act of aggression; Obama consults with Pentagon on advisability of declaring war on Germany & entering into The Great War.
Obama clamors for federal fix to immigration woes. "If we fix all the illegal immigrants, they'll soon peter out."
Strike In France
Gypsy pickpockets, blackmailers, thieves on strike in France.
Demand paid holidays, health benefits, escargot rations.
Vatican Mechanic Dead
Pope Benedict's new electric popemobile converted from old gas guzzler hit by lightning, killing Brother Greasemonkey.
Manhood Screamholler #28
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Ding Dong, Ten Inches, Red!"
Manhood Screamholler #27
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Don't Bring Me Down"
Manhood Screamholler #26
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Another One Liked To Bust"
Manhood Screamholler #25
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Against The Bend"
Manhood Screamholler #24
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Behemoths Rhapsody"
Manhood Screamholler #23
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "There's A Bad Bone On The Rise"
Manhood Screamholler #22
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Theme From The Bald & The Plentiful"
Manhood Screamholler #21
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Love Will Tear Us Apart".
Living All Alone Fine With Many
In census stats, those living alone say that living by themselves causes less mental anguish. "Just ask my friend, "Homer" over there. We get along fine. So that's two that live here, two adults."
Nerds Hopes Are High
Discovery of a parallel universe means that that other you could teach you how to find a woman.
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