Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 18 May 2010
Wasn't That On SNL?
US Senator Al Franken said today that a million people wearing false Groucho masks could soak up oil spill!
Never Caught On
The last of three kid-themed Planet Peckerwood Restaurants closes in Florida.
Nun Let Go!
Nun at convent in California let go after school learns that she had waterboarded seven students.
British TV presenter correctly pronounces Eyjafjallajökull
Naah, only kidding. And the Yanks can't say it either.
End Of EU?
France and Germany not agreeing on the bailout of Greece could split up the EU. Also, Belgians are beginning to waffle.
Big Difference in Price
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
Sausages are "killers" especially British ones!
Eating sausages kills and if you love British ones you're particularly at risk, good news for sausage suckers though, for "Blow Jobbers" no problem, a long hard suck and a quick swallow is healthy!
Man Get The Blues Too
New fathers get the baby blues also say doctors. "I look into her baby blues and see her nursing and I really get the blues", stated one horny new dad.
Gores Issues Warning
Al Gore says melting polar ice could cause the Gulf of Mexico waters to rise as far inward as Fillupdelphia, Pa.
Microsoft gives Hottail a major makeover to rival others in the field.
Another Gore Warning
Al Gore says melting polar ice could cause the Gulf of Mexico waters to rise as far inward as Port Worth, Texas!
80% Dead people say God is 'Nice'
The other 20% were undecided.
6 out of 10 Bastards Aspire to be Pricks
The other four want to be cunts.
Local Man Says Council are Just 'Pissing in the Wind'
Local man Barry Nubbins says he was driving past the council offices last week when he says the councillors urinating.
He described seeing 'back splash' as they were against the oncoming breeze.
Black Men Banned From Local Pub
The father and brothers of Mrs. Janice Black have been banned from the local pub for causing mischief and stealing peanuts.
Black Man With Small Dick
The Black man who we reported missing from the local hostel last week, has been found safe and well.
He was staying with local man Richard 'Small Dick' Dickinson at his house.
Container Still Arguing
Pensioner, 95, threatened with legal action after putting butter tub in wrong recycling bag a collectors say it is "Parkay", not butter.
Thought He Was That Ho! Ho! Ho! Guy
Internet date conman dubbed 'Shrek' (because of all the big green) is jailed after swindling more than £100,000 from lonely women.
Burka rage as female lawyer rips veil off Muslim woman in French clothes shop. Puts it back on. Loses her lunch.
The Emperor's Clothes
So who needs an armoured limo? Cameron strolls down Whitehall stark naked to take his seat in Parliament as PM.
Manhood Screamholler Classic #15
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Chubby's In Love"
Manhood Screamholler Classic #14
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Bone Daddy To The Rescue"
Manhood Sceamholler Classic #13
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "I Beg Your Hard On, I Never Promised You A Rose Tampon"
Manhood Screamholler Classic #12
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "You're Pushing Too Hard"
UK scientists prove that men are just a bunch of liars!
A scientific survey has proven that men are all just a bunch of lying bastards a fact that cheated on wives and innocent mums always knew!
Cheryl Cole's Naked Pix Stir Up Stirrings
Secret nude photographs that were recently taken of Cheryl Cole have just been named by Handshake Magazine as the year's "Top (Blank)abating Photos."
Britney Spears Tits Are To Be Tatted
Britney Spears said she's getting her left tit tattooed with the words "The Right One." And her right tit tattooed with the words, "The Left One." When asked why? She said to confuse the tit watchers.
Russell Brand's Vulgar Mouth Gets Him In Trouble Again!
Russell Brand said that when he remarked that he would like to kiss Queen Elizabeth's ass he meant it in a respectable way.
Keira Knightley Says Her Boobs Are So Small She Feels Like Taylor Swift
Keira Knightley says that she wishes she had tits like Pamela Anderson, except only not as old, flabby, or wrinkly.
Amy Winehouse and Her Very Talented Vagina
Amy Winehouse told her hair stylist that her vagina can make more of a variety of noises than any vagina in the entire United Kingdom.
Louisiana Restaurants No Longer Preparing Seafood Cajun-Style
Due to circumstances beyond their control, Louisiana Restaurants are currently preparing seafood one way only, "blackened."
Massengill Desert Spring Cures Dry Crotches
New combination douche and personal lubrication product cures the dryest personal desert problem. If your cave produces nothing but dust, Desert Spring is the product for you.
"Cheese Away" Product Available for Men Who Don't Wash
For men who have difficulty understanding their nutsacks should not have "layers" of gummy material caked on them, Cheese Away dries out and flakes off weeks of accumulated ball cheese.
Herman Munster Loses Test Driver Job
Accidentally poking his flat topped melon through several convertable tops in the two-seater GM sports car line, test driver Munster was shown the door, though he dented the door frame too.
Harry Bawlsax Named Mayor of Smegma Falls
Fighting to keep the name of his city unchanged, Bawlsax won today's mayoral election and retained the name of odiferous town as Smegma Falls, Wyoming.
All Mexican Restaurants Closed
Cited as the single largest source of global warming through human refried bean methane production, all US Mexican restaurants were closed by the FDA.
Glenn Beck Surgically Alters Tear Ducts
Shedding tears on demand by squeezing his left testacle, Glenn Beck added more well orchestrated drama to his show. The tears appear to be thick and white.
World's Longest Armpit Hair Record Broken
Braided into two separate pony tails, the 47 CM long pitt hair braids of Mrs. Edna Frumpston set new world record.
A team of Democrat senators visited Rhode Island this morning to assess the effects of rising sea levels. Unfortunately the tide was out at the time.
Man Bites Dog But She Lives to Divorce Him
Following a night of heavy drinking, coyote ugly sex and a Vegas marriage, Vern Shanks bites his wife's arm off in the morning to get away.
Patience Wearing Thin
Every five minutes, a car is stolen in Greater London. Police have told the owner to replace the tyres before they wear below the legal limit.
An Inconvenient Length
President Obama admitted to reporters at a White House press conference that he'd not read the 1000-page Kerry-Lieberman draft climate bill. "I'm waiting for Al Gore to make the movie".
Grain of Salt Needed
A spokesman for the UK's Met Office (weather bureau) explained to reporters why a volcanic ash concentration equivalent to two sand grains in a bathtub was a hazard to jet aircraft.
The Last Straw
A man who held a gun to the head of the pilot of a New York to Miami flight shouting "Take me to Miami!" explained to Miami police that on his last two trips the plane had been hijacked to Cuba.
Ash Cloud Grounds UK Flights
The source of the ash cloud which grounded flights over the south of Britain has been traced to a Cuban man smoking a king-size cigar at the rear of terminal 2 at Heathrow Airport.
Bovvered I'm not
The inaugural meeting of the British Apathy Society has been cancelled due to lack of support.
The Land of the Setting Sun
What's likely to be the last reunion of the Japanese Kamikaze Pilot's Association has been held in a telephone kiosk in downtown Tokyo
Is The Infamous Lindsay "LiLo" Lohan With Child?
Lindsay Lohan says the rumors about her being pregnant are false. She said her belly weight gain is simply due to eating way too many Twinkies. She also noted that she does not like pee pees.
Greyson Chance Says He Wants To Be Just Like Lady Gaga...Hmmm.
Greyson Chance, the 12-year-old singer, will be going on tour with his idol, Lady Gaga. Greyson will be performing under the name Boy Gaga.
Jesse James and Amy Winehouse Are Getting Together
Jesse James and Amy Winehouse have agreed to host the new Fox Network reality show, "Hey Y'all Show Us Your Most Intimate Tattoos."
The Greenland Snip Snip Here Snip Snip There Procedure
Greenland has just become the world's first country to officially approve of do-it-yourself vasectomies.
The Elderly Singer Formerly Known As Madonna
The latest Madonna rumors are saying that the old singer will be going in to have the world's first 'personality transplant.'
Three Hospitalized With New Disease
Oil tar balls reported in Key West, as old Hemingway lookalikes wade in the ocean.
Cell Phone Cancer?
Inconclusive study on cell phone link to cancer evidence proves inconclusive.
Manic Depressives Conference
This year's Manic Depressive conference will be held at the G-Mex in Manchester. Please apply early for tickets, as we wouldn't want you to be disappointed.
Construction Up & Down
Home construction up, building permits fall. "Apparently they're out there building without permits", says head of study.
This year's Schizophrenia Conference will be held at G-Mex in Manchester. Please indicate the number of personalities you have when applying for tickets so we can allocate the correct number.
Obama In Ohio
Obama takes economic tour to Ohio, to spend an hour each at last two factories.
UK Parliament Meet
UK Parliament to meet for 1st time since election night celebrations hangovers clear up.
Bulemic's Day Out
The Charity Bulemia Can Be Fun are currently raising funds for this years Day Trip for Bulemics. They are hoping to take them on the Vomit Comet.
Nigerian President Has Lawmakers Scream up!
Nigeria: Screaming lawmakers approve VP pick. Claim President had 'goosers' in the crowd.
Divorce is best
Stan D'ard, head statistician at the Universitè de Paris, has proven a remarkable correlation. "Half of marriages end in divorce, the other half in death. Ask yourself which you'd prefer!"
Happiness Comes With Age
Happiness Comes With Age, Study Reveals. You'll shit your pants when you look in the mirror in the mornings.
Greenpeace Joining Tea Party?
Greenpeace say they may support the Tea Party if they would change name to "The Green Tea Party".
Obama's Ex-Pastor Pissed
Ex-Obama pastor: 'Obama threw me under the bus'. "Did you know he wet himself during one of myu better 'Fire & Brimstone' sermons?"
Obama Pastor Irritated
Ex-Obama pastor: 'Obama threw me under the bus'. Wait till he hears my sermon about falsifying birth certificates.
NASA Wants Martian Rocks
NASA wants mission to bring Martian rocks to Earth. "We would present the very first one to whomever is the leader of the PLO at the time.
EU Deficit Crisis
EU nations push for deficit cuts to tame crisis. Once more Leitchenstein holds the key. (They always get to hold the key as they need to feel important)
Study suggests processed meat a real health risk. FDA trying hard to find out exactly what is in new "Scam".
Processed Meat A Threat
Study suggests processed meat a real health risk, especially 'hog liver pate'.
Oil Spill Brings Further Scrutiny!
Oil spill scrutiny turns to Obama administration. Presidential staff to be called before a BP Committee.
Paul: Tea party has "mainstream message". "Ned to get 'beer-conference party' out of Washington."
Paul With Mainstream Message
Paul: Tea party has "mainstream message". "We must go about getting the "Oil Spill Party" out of Washington."
Mexico Seize Turtle Eggs
Mexico seizes 5,830 sea turtle eggs, arrests 2. Say they will help hatch other 5,828.
TV Chef Pleads Not Guilty #3
Ex-TV chef pleads not guilty in murder-hire plot but jury says he looks hard baked.
TV Chef Pleads Not Guilty #2
Ex-TV chef pleads not guilty in murder-hire plot, but fears that "her goose is cooked".
TV Chef Pleads Not Guilty
Ex-TV chef pleads not guilty in murder-hire plot. "I certainly never cooked up such a plot."
Not Amused One Bit!
BBC says sorry for queen death joke. Also the one about Prince Charles and the porn movie midgets.
Ocean Fish To Disappear?
Oceans' fish could disappear in 40 years, U.N. says. Those on land even sooner.
French Free Killer
French court frees man who killed ex-Iranian PM. He said something bad & threatened us by shaking his finger, say Judge, jury.
Seattle City Council approves Arizona boycott. Arizona bans all Starbucks products. Threaten to bring down Space Needle.
So Why Worry?
Ocean fish could disappear in 40 years: UN. "Of course, at the current rate of nuclear expansion, we will too."
Leave It There!
Oldest Mesoamerican pyramid tomb found in Mexico. Governor of Arizona Objects!
Happiness Comes With Age, Study Reveals. The sooner you can walk around the house naked all day, the happier you'll feel.
Happiness Comes With Aged Wine, Whiskey, Study Reveals!
Processed Meat Hazards
Study suggests processed meat a real health risk as some baloney found with chicken feet, hog spleen.
Processed Meat Health Risk
Study suggests processed meat a real health risk. Some meats unidentifiable, even under microscope.
Processed Meat Risks
Study suggests processed meat a real health risk as some 90% salt.
Haven't Been Yet!
Pesticides on Produce Tied to ADHD in Children, Death In Adults. Should they be banned?
Scrutiny Turns To Obama
Oil spill scrutiny turns to Obama administration. Did they sabotage oil well to prevent further drilling?
Name for the UK Coalition Government
After much wrangling over the coalition name, discarding ConLib, DemCon, LibCon, Tory and Democrats have settled on ConDem as encapsulating their policies.
Glenn Beck Receives Honorary Doctorate from Liberty University
Glenn Beck received an honorary doctorate from Liberty University even though he only completed high school. He immediately went on the air and offered free medical checkups to the first 100 callers.
BP: Just Don't Throw Us In That Briar Patch!
Oil slick so thick this morning people walking here from Cuba.
"Maybe...Call In FEMA"
US President Barack Obama will set up a commission to investigate the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, officials say...on the 23rd day!
Bees Attack White House
'Thousands of bees' swarm White House. Could this be the work of the Bee Master? Tune in tomorrow!"
Not "Our" Fault. The Buck Passes Somewhere Else
Napolitano Defends Spill Response: Gov't has 'limited capability, expertise, brain power and guts'
Obama Agency Ducks Out!
Obama Agency Ducks Senate Hearing! Over quacks any questions yelled at them!
Manhood Screamholler Classic #11
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "A Bone At Last"
Manhood Screamholler Classic #10
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "For The Wood Times"
Manhood Screamroller Classic #9
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Get A Long Little Dongie"
Manhood Screamroller Classic #8
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Maggie's Firm"
Manhood Screamholler Classic #7
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "The Nooky Pokey"
What's next for smoky?
The smoke monster from Lost hopes after the show ends, he can start a new career as a comedy act. He says his humor will be dark and violent.
Manhood Screamholler Classic #6
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Your Pills Have Lifted Me Higher"
Manhood Screamholler Classic #5
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Isn't It Good, No Wiggly Wood"
Manhood Screamholler Classic #4
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "It Keeps Right On A-Squirtin'"
Manhood Screamholler Classic #3
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Beyond The Pharmacy"
Manhood Screamholler Classics #2
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Woody, Woody, All Righty!"
Manhood Screamholler's Classics
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "She's Gotta Lick It To Ride".
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