Spoof news snippets from Monday 17 May 2010
Space Program Cutback
President says whole space program too expensive. May cut down to mostly "Volunteer Spotters".
Just As Predicted
Madame Tandy, the palm reader and fortune teller in Nashville flooded out. Loses everything, just like rival Madame Bubetta predicted
Obama Takes Drastic Actions
President Obama has top members of MENSA rounded up and thrown into Think Tank until they can figure out a way to pay off national debt..or at least stop the oil slick.
Already An Ex-Con
Confidence man gets a no-confidence vote from victims plus five years.
No Greece Bailout?
Liechtenstein says it will not agree to Greece bailout. Germany says: "Well that takes care of that. We're out too!"
Liquor Did Well Also
While most companies lost money and laid off hundreds or even thousands last year, Prozac hired 100 new employees as profits were up 40%.
Must Do What We Can
In order to save on electricity, Florida electric chair will be replaced by electric bench.
Bad Economy Hitting Everyone
Electoral College has to raise tuition due to rough economy.
Monday IsTrading Day
BP has asked if they could find Ben Laden, could they trade him for oil slick expenses. Obama agrees to plan but asks them to "hold him till November 1st."
A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss
Star-struck Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, was refused an autograph by model Kate Moss at the 52nd Grammy awards show.
A Day Late and a Dollar Short
The FTC has charged a local clothier that advertised its sale a day earlier than it actually was for dollar pairs of woman's shorts creating irate customers and numerous complaints.
Like Navajo Indians During WWII
Military Intelligence say that during the years, 2000-2005, they used George Bush language speeches to trick Russians with secret code. "They never did figure it out", states one retired General.
Inventor With Brain Cancer Developed Original Cell Phone
Dr. Martin Cooper, cell phone inventor credits his brain cancer and time in chemotherapy with sparking the idea for the cell back in 1973.
"Mama Mia, That's A Spicy Used Coffin Wood!"
Report: Pizza in Naples baked with used coffin wood. Now we know why it was such a favorite among those originally from New Guinea.
New York Closes Parks
New York to close 55 parks due to budget cuts. Central Park to become big community garden.
New Supremes Ruling
Supreme Court: Sexually 'dangerous' inmates can be kept in jail after prison terms complete. "Thanks a lot", say cell mates.
Flown There Immediately From Hawaii
US court grants asylum to Obama's African aunt who took care of him right after he was born.
New Oil Well Laws Being Passed
Offshore oil spill brings new rules, including those on land. From now on, no ships allowed within two miles of any well.
Bit Of Lipstick On The Nose?
Wild night at the Miss USA contest last night as some prankster removed all the mirrors.
Completing His College First
335-pound Kansas junior guard on the football team decides to skip pro draft and complete his last year. So the Wichita Lineman is still on the line.
Sir Paul McCartney Rails Against BP
"That company should be ashamed of itself," declared Sir Paul McCartney upon learning that BP intended the unauthorized use of his song "Live and Let Die" in an upcoming television advert.
Italy declare themselves "Officially Corrupt" at last!
In an historical statement Italy have declared themselves "Corrupt" now other nations are desperate to do the same so the UN have declared a public holiday called "Global Corruption Day" to celebrate!
Deepak Chopra Calls Glenn Beck a Prophet
As a guest on the Colbert Report, Deepak Chopra agrees that Glenn Beck could be called a prophet, and then he spelled it, P-R-O-F-I-T.
Watch Them Close!
Talking on the mobile just 30mins a day linked with heightened risk of brain cancer. Doctors warn that lack of brain activity in teens hard to tell.
Teacher charged with assault for hurting pupil's thumb with tube of Prick Stick glue. I'm sorry, that should be Pritt Stick glue.
New Yorkers Angry
New Yorker's furious at plans for Ground Zero mosque. Plan second "Ground Zero" event.
Miss USA Has Discarded All Of Her Adult Sex Toys Except For One
Rima Fakih says the adult sex toys she won in 2007, when she was crowned Detroit's Pole Dancing Champion, have along ago been discarded. She smiled and added, "Well except for the Ron Jeremy one."
First Ashnatos Reported
Britain's airspace reopens.... but passengers STILL face travel chaos caused by whirling volcanic ash cloud as hot air from recent election mixes with it.
Miss USA And The Camel Lips Rumors
Rima Fakih, the New Miss USA, stated that the rumors going around about her having kissed a camel on the lips back in college are false. She pointed out that it was the camel's left ear she kissed.
Rima Fakih, The New Miss USA Will Not Talk About Her (Blank)
The new Miss USA, Rima Fakih, has told the media she will not answer any questions about her G-spot. She said that she'll gladly answer questions about her pencil eraser nipples but not her G-spot.
The New 2010 Miss USA's Pole Dancing Days
The new Miss USA, Rima Fakih says that the 2007 photos of her pole dancing have been photo-shopped. Fakih said that the short shorts she was wearing were pink not red.
Rima Fakih, The Newly Crowed Miss USA Speaks Out On Arizona
The first Muslim-American to be crowned Miss USA says she has no ill feelings towards Arizona for its Immigration Bill. Rima Fakih said, "Hey there are 49 other states - so who needs Arizona."
Some Give & Take
Dear Tories, sorry we spent all the money: Labour's farewell letter as it's revealed public debt could DOUBLE to £1,790bn. Dear Labour: Apology accepted. We're busy getting rid of Labour employees.
British Airways is granted last minute injunction by High Court to avert cabin crew strikes. Planes stopped in mid-air, take back off.
Wayne Rooney plays a Scouse Slob and loves it!
Rooney plays a fat "Scouse Slob" in Nike's latest advert and during filming he said, "I love it here, it's all I ever wanted to be really, a Scouse Slob living in a caravan with millions!"
White Men Can't Jump
... is the latest law passed by Zimbabwean leader Robert Mugabe.
Local School Apologises For Puppet Show Blunder
A local school has apologized for booking Puppetry of the Penis instead of Punch & Judy.
Several children were left traumatized.
Loveable Local Actor is a Bastard in real Life
Local actor Dicky Doormouse - who plays Jimmy Lovely in the Jimmy Lovely Show - was born fatherless.
"I am a complete and utter bastard", he admitted.
Local Celebrity Comes Out of The Closet
After 25 years trapped in the wardrobe of his bedsit, local actor Steven Lickybum has broken free at last.
He will resume the role of the arse end of the panto horse in Shakespeare's 'Kevin IV"
Government Refuses to Confront the Elephant in the Room.
Local government officials have refused to go deal with the issue of Nelly the Elephant's antics.
Today she painted the walls of her room black and now claims she's a goth elephant.
Local Mad Scientist Apologises For killing The Entire Town With his Monster
Local scientist, Professor Norbert Frankenstein has issued a heartfelt apology to local citizens for the actions of his latest monstrous creation.
"I'm terribly dory for killing everyone", he said.
Spoof Snippet Writer Uses This Spoof Snippet as a Crafty Way To Alert Readers To His Other Spoof Snippets
That devious naughty boy Jesus Budda has urged readers to check out his other spoof snippets while he takes a brief break and enjoys a delicious cup of tea and several biscuits.
Local Flirt Fancies The Birds
Local man Barry Nubbins says he enjoys going to the zoo to have a look at the pelicans, flamingos and ostriches.
"I also enjoy looking at the tits in my garden", he said.
Local Boys Don't Cry
"We rigorously beat them over the head with sticks, baseball bats, turnips and fish yet not a single tear was shed", said the Professor leading the study of youngster's pain thresholds.
Local Bastard Buys a New SUV
Local bastard Harry Whoredini has gone out and bought himself a new car.
He says he hopes to park it in front of your house and block you getting into the garage.
Local Woman Desperately Seeking a Huge Cock
Local woman Esmerelda Shitface is searching for her missing male hen.
She has offered a reward of 20p to anyone who finds it dead or alive - preferably alive.
Local Man Smells
There's a sale on today at Perfume World of scents of local men.
Buy a 100ml bottle of 'Barry Nubbins' and get a free 30ml bottle of 'Brian Turdface'.
Half Of All Marriages Don't Wind Up In Divorce
In a stunning reversal for marriage statistics a new study reports that half of all marriages don't wind up in divorce.
Vietnam Celebrates 35th Anniversary of Communist Victory! Jane Fonda named Grand Marshall!
"Air Ship Attack"
Somali pirates go too far, overtake space station, crew from Atlantis!
Turkeys raised on turkey farms with oversized breasts being raped by wild turkeys, farmers report.
"Sextupletes They Are!!"
Man arrested after trying to claim six daughters by sending the same one into the room dressed differently for census taker to see. Owes US $20,400 in welfare farce.
Arab-American from Michigan, Osamadena Lynn, crowned 2010 Miss USA.
Indonesian Filmmaker Missing
Indonesian filmmaker documents Obama's childhood in Kenya from day one.
Milwaukee Quilt Museum
Milwaukee museum features quilt exhibition. It's in the last room on the left on the third floor of the Beer Museum!
Sarah Palin Evolves from Barracuda to Grizzly Bear
Sarah Palin was quoted at a breakfast meeting as saying this, "although I don't agree at all with that Darwin fella, I do think personally I've evolved from a ravenous fish to a ravenous mammal.
Breakthough At Last
New study links pesticides in our food to pesticides in our bodies.
70 Arrested for Cock Fighting
Police stormed an Arizona gay bar and arrested 70 men for cock fighting which is illegal in the state.
One Sure Way
Doctor's study concludes that the only way towards a bigger penis is to go into politics.
FDA Urges Reports Of False Ads
FDA urges docs to report misleading drug ads. "First of all, let me warn you about those bigger penis ads", says one doc.
New Disease Outbreak
Research links pesticides on crops with people hospitalized with pesticidis.
Teens learn dangers of texting while driving after running into septic cleaning truck.
Cell Danger Inconclusive
Study: Cell phone-brain cancer link inconclusive as most of panel come down with Lupus.
Asian ivory trade poses danger to African elephant. Africans threatened to corner the market in gensing.
Astronauts Tackling Antenna!
Astronauts tackling antenna work in 1st spacewalk but say they are tired of moving antenna towards to Playboy Channel all the time.
Models indicate Gulf spill may be in major current. Mayans Calender predicted it would go into Bermuda Triangle!
Dead Snakes Dead
Brazil fire burns huge collection of dead snakes, but that Old Serpert, Himself escapes as usual.
First Quarter Smarter
Lowe's IQ net income edges up as spending rises. I'm sorry, that should have been 1Q.
Aimed At Small Firms
Pitching President Barack Obama's health care law to skeptical business owners, the IRS on Monday will announce ground rules for small firms that sell Viagra, Levitra.
Major Current Stable
Worry that Gulf oil spreading into Major Current! Major rushed to hospital and stomach pumped!
Euro slides, slips and busts its ass amid European debt crisis.
Yes Wii Canned!
Dramatic surge seen in adults and kids hospitalized with Wii injuries.
94-Year Old Graduates #6
Elderly lady says her best subject was history. "Since I personally remember a good portion of it."
BP Finds Safety Violations
BP's own probe finds safety issues on Atlantis rig. Plan to fine themselves nearly $1 Billion to "teach us a lesson".
Oil Plumes Coating Everything
Deep sea oil plumes, dispersants endanger reefs, atomic submarines.
New Miss USA
Arabian-Born Miss Michigan Wins The 2010 Miss USA Title as a lot of hands busy handling money under judges table.
Panels Decide Those Things
Should we ask if Supreme Court nominee is gay? Most answer "Why? Who listens to us about anything?"
Report On Survival
Report: Being Bad at Relationships Is Good for Survival. Many planning "Use 'Em, Lose 'Em" strategy.
94-Year-Old Graduate #5
California woman earns college diploma at age 94. Plans to become a model.
Nonprofits To Be Taxed
Thousands of nonprofits may lose tax-exempt status. IRS agents will begin taking 10% out of offering plates.
Hard To Breathe With Mouth Full
Burger & Fries Worsen Asthma, Study Suggests, but increases flow of saliva.
A Little Late
Astronauts tackling antenna work in 1st spacewalk. Should supply high-definition reception.
Nashville Fundraiser Successful
Stars help raise over $1.5M for Tennessee flood relief. Little Jimmy Dickens sends in a little, Dolly Parton a couple of bigguns.
Stars Raise Money For Nashville
Stars help raise over $1.5M for Tenn. flood relief . "This should really help out on that $10 billion dollar loss", says Mayor.
94-Year-Old Graduate #4
California woman earns college diploma at age 94. Voted "Most Likely To Drop Dead At Any Time"
Second Hand Creeps Forward
Iran to ship uranium to Turkey in nuclear deal a doomsday clock ticks three more seconds toward midnight.
No Big Turnout!
County clerks across the US expecting low voter turnout for lowdown candidates.
Leak Tall Buildings With Single Remixing
Promising chemical student takes top academic honor as accident turns him into "Chemical Man!"
Brought Down Once By Red Baron
Celebrated World War I flying ace dies in California. Snoopy was 101.
Others Contestants Say Obama Brought Pressure
Arab-American from Michigan crowned 2010 Miss USA. Jewish Miss from Miami finishes second. Should be an interesting year.
Plane diverted to DC area after cock catches on fire. I'm sorry, that should read "after fire in cockpit".
Peace & Quite
Being Bad at Relationships Is Good for Survival as relatives won't be showing up so much to stay the holidays.
Check All Pockets In Donated Clothing
Thousands of nonprofits may lose tax-exempt status. Treasury Department to raid Goodwill, Salvation Army stores.
94-Year-Old Graduates #2
California woman earns college diploma at age 94. Mom & Dad brings grandparents best wishes.
94 Year Old Graduates
California woman earns college diploma at age 94. Will take a year off to hitchhike through Europe before getting job.
Pesticides Working Well, On Humans
Research links pesticides with ADHD in children, every other major disease today.
Texas Guv Enjoys Free Benefits
Gov. Perry's temporary digs costs Texas big bucks. Defends himself by saying: "We all do it. Haven't you been reading th world headlines for the past 50 years?"
GOP filibuster unlikely on Kagan nomination but will still take the opportunity to condemn Obama's choices.
Oil Plumes Dangerous
Deep sea oil plumes, dispersants endanger reefs, surfers.
One Of Ten Thousand Special Awards Last Year
Obama admin gave rig 'safety award' last year! About the same time he received the Nobel Peace Cracker Jack Prize.
Classifieds - Fluff
For sale, three grammes of belly button fluff. Previously belonged to my mate, Steve. Unwanted gift, hence £1.
Robot Replaces Cleric or Public Official, Performs Wedding Ceremony in Tokyo
Under development is a Robot that will declare divorces.
Stopped Speech Just In Time
Wayward satellite allows some texts to go astray such as "Idiot, it was only the early guys who got aboard that got the pyramid scheme money, twelve inch dongs" on Obama's message board.
To Err Is Truman
Army doctors sending some troops home, especially after one asked, "When is Truman going to bring us home?"
In Their Own Words
Soldier interviewed in Iraq says that instead of "stay the course", they call it "Sit And Shit!"
Flavor Flav Mistakes Pink for Brigitte Nielsen at Fundraiser
"Damn," said Flav, "I looked like a damn fool runnin' all up on her an stuff from behind." Graciously, Pink just turned around and asked Flav if he happened to know the time.
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