Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 11 May 2010
BP-Caribbean Cruise Deal!
Royal Caribbean says it will help BP clean up oil slick if BP promises to clean up puke slick.
New NFL Rule
One new NFL change in 2011 that might affect the Super Bowl winner is the gender test.
Guru goes five years without breathing.
Ghengis Raj Singh, 63 of Prajec Probli, Kerla, claims that his skin absorbs oxygen rather than breathing. Scientists are doubting the claim and note that Ghengis eats lots of oxygen rich food.
"The Little Engine ...Climbed Aboard Alice!"
Cable TV satellite has been interrupted by a faltering other other satellite may lead to adult entertainment showing up on regular cable. Sit up and see if you like. Occurs later in May.
Bad Idea In Italy?
Italy's first Divorce Fair ended in a free-for-all as husbands and wives screamed and shouted away. "I knew this was a bad idea", stated Policeman. "We attend the small affairs in only one house."
"I tell You, I Get No Respect"
That golf ball Alan Shepherd hit on the moon many years ago has finally landed here on earth, apparently tearing a three-foot hole into the grave of Rodney Dangerfield.
Talk Talk catch a cold
Change name to Croak Croak!
Police arrest survivalist who had 200 weapons, 20 envelopes of white powder, 100 pics of US Senators & 5,000 packets of ramen noodles socked away, on suspicion that he was about to do something bad.
Anna Janna's New Movie #3
Four-foot tall "Anna Janna" to star in new sexy comedy, "Randy Newman's Last Day On Earth"
New Anna Janna Movie #2
Four-foot tall "Anna Janna" to star in new sexy comedy, "We're Not That Munchkin" (The Arkansas Story)
New Anna Janna Movie
Four-foot tall "Anna Janna" to star in new sexy comedy, "North Dallas Shorty".
Obama Endorces Spending
President Barack Obama recommends that U.S. citizens do away with "Buy Nothing Day". Group says it will purchase a penny with a penny from fellow members.
Price Of Metals Up
Report: As the price of metal goes up, more plowshares are being melted down to swords.
Dollar Drops Again
For the first time, the US dollar falls below that of a plug nickel.
Massachusetts passes first law that allows gay polygamy marriages.
Beer Conferences Getting Rowdy, Loud
Obama Beer Conferences getting out of hand say those living anywhere near the White House. "Let the secret service come get these cans out of my backyard", says one.
C-SPAN says they will drop their comedy sit-com, "Senator Byrd" this fall.
White House Taking Over Food Market
Michelle Obama: Stop marketing unhealthy foods to kids. Kids: We don't want this crap YOU brought us!"
Agatha Christie Update #30
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "Crooked Blouse"
Agatha Christie Update #29
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "The Cocks"
Agatha Christie Update #28
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "The Caribbean Cruise Misery"
Agatha Christie Update # 27
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "Dingbat Among The Pigeons"
Agatha Christie Update #26
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "The Mysterious Affair At Peniles"
Being a "NUTTER" is healthy, it reduces cholestorel levels!
Being a complete NUTTER is healthy and reduces cholestorel and the home of real NUTTERS, the Spoof, is proof because most Spoof writers are geriatric NUT-CASES especially the author of this crap!
SUBO is to give Turk Imans singing lessons!
The days of screeching, bellowing, out of tune Imans and Muezzins in Istanbul is over, Sue boyle is to give them singing lessons, if successful she's been given a "GIG" at Mekka, Burka included!
Christina Aguilera Fans The Lady Gaga Rumors
Christina Aguilera says that Lady Gaga should be up front and tell the world that she is really Lady Guyguy.
The Original Name of The Barenaked Ladies Was...
The band The Barenaked Ladies stated that they were originally called The Birthday Suited Bitches, but decided to change to the less offensive sounding name The Barenaked Ladies.
Will Demi Moore's "Boy Toy" Ashton Kutcher Ever Grow Up?
For the second year in a row, Brat Illustrated Magazine has named Demi Moore's "Boy Toy" as its "Brat of the Year."
Alicia "New York" Keys and Her Nice Commission
After much speculation, New York native Alicia Keys has admitted that the New York Chamber of Commerce pays her $8 every time she mentions New York.
The Truth About Adam Lambert's Crotch
Adam Lambert has confided that he is seeing a sex therapist because he said that thinking about Courtney Love has given him some erections.
Local Boy's Balls Drop
Local boy Tommy Shitter took a tumble yesterday while tidying up the PE equipment in school, dropping all the footballs everywhere.
Local Man Arrested for Shaking Dick in Public Place
Local man Barry Nubbins was arrested today by police after assaulting the legendary Dutch footballing coach Dick Advocaat in a public car park.
Eyes are No Longer Windows to the Soul
Fashion trends have changed and they have been instead replaced by the ears.
Noddy's friend Big Ears is delighted with the move.
Winking Contest Turns Messy
..after they handed the organising over to a dyslexic man.
BBC's Nick Robinson In Pants Down Bishop Bashing Scandal
Says the political web was just so exciting and that he is so glad Cameron is on his way to Number 10 he just had to crack one off on St Stephen's Green
Need More Business Savvy
Joe the Plumber elected to GOP committee seat in Ohio, meets Crazy Joe the Furniture King elected from Jersey.
Joe The Plumber Is Back
Joe the Plumber elected to GOP committee seat in Ohio, will visit Watergate Hotel this summer for late-night meeting with friends.
Baby Blue becomes first reindeer born in England since Ice Age. "You've come a long way, baby!"
The Real Reason That Kate Gosselin Got Kicked Off Of 'Dancing With The Stars'
Kate Gosselin has stated that the real reason that she got eliminated from Dancing With The Stars is because her dance partner Tony Dovolani was not very good.
Pagan Police Holidays
Pagan police win the right to take time off for festivals Moonday, Teissday, Wodensday, Thorsday, Friggaday, Saturnday and Sunday.
The Country Songstress Still Known as LeAnn Rimes
Country singer LeAnn Rimes says that thanks to her husband-stealing, home-wrecking ways she now has enough material for her next album.
An Andy Dick By Any Other Name Is Still An Andy Dick
Andy Dick says that he is tired of all of the vulgar remarks and jokes about his name. He says that he will soon be changing it to Andy Pecker.
Lou Dobbs? Who The Hell Was Lou Dobbs?
Lou Dobbs has said he plans on moving from the East Coast to Arizona. He says that he has missed stirring up the illegal immigration bullshit and wants to start acting like a total assh*le again.
The Lonely, Lonely, Very Lonely Kanye West
Kanye West was spotted at a shopping mall in Atlanta asking some of the shoppers if any of them remembered who he was.
Agatha Christie Update #25
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "The Naughty In The Library"
Agatha Christie Update #24
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "Mumbling On The Link"
Agatha Christie Update #23
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "And Then There Were Buns"
Agatha Christie Update #22
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "Back Coffee"(The Excuse Me Murder)
Agatha Christie Update #21
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "Auntie Em"
Falls Off Turnip Truck
Tesco under fire for selling asparagus from Peru... in town famous for producing the vegetable. "Honestly, we thought you were famous for turnips", says Spokesman.
Smooth-talking lady financial adviser dubbed 'The Snake Charmer' jailed for swindling male pensioners of £1.6m.
Time For Justice
Teenage mother, 16, jailed for a year for keeping stash of guns and ammunition for gangster, who was given 30 days of public service.
It's Sidney Or The Bush
Furious Clegg tells Cameron that it's time to make up your mind or get off the pot.
Agatha Christie Update #20
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "Hard On The Table"
Agatha Christie Update #19
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "Murder On The Blue Veined"
Agatha Christie Update #18
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "The Mysterious Mr. Quin The Eskimo"
Agatha Christie Update #17
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "Murder At The Panda Express"
Agatha Christie Update #16
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "The Big Twelve"
We are addressing the Democratic Deficit
Cameroons whooping up Whitehall. Those damn Scots will pay for this outrage.
Brings Boos From Crowd
Canadians beat Penguins, baby seals, force Game Seven!
Opryland Stage Flooded
Grand Ole Opry stage was under 2 feet of water, six inches over Little Jimmy Dicken's head!
Obama Never Heard Lena?
Obama mourns passing of singer-actress Lena Horne. "Lina..was a great..uh..on the horn. She'll Be Missed!!"
3-D Centerfold #2
AP Exclusive: Playboy 'readers' get 3-D centerfold. Several injuries already reported as viewer's eyes gbug-out through special glasses.
AP Exclusive: Playboy 'readers' get 3-D centerfold, causing 3-D effect to reader's pants at Barnes& Noble Bookstores.
Cancer Cost Doubles
US cancer costs double in nearly 20 years. Experts blame what we eat, drink and breathe. "We need to cut down on these."
SE Beaches Trying To Draw Crowds #6
Gulf hotels advertising new oily baths to "tune up the body as it rejuvenates your automobile."
APNewsBreak: More kids' jewelry recalls in works as more lead-painted beads contain arsenic.
Oil Prices Fall
Oil prices falls below $76 as many out skimming off free oil, refining it at home.
New Alcohol, Drug Policy
President Barack Obama announced a new approach to "confronting the challenge of drug use & its consequences," putting more resources into drug prevention & treatment. "Let the old drunks die happy."
SE Oil Slick Beaches #5
SE beaches look to woo tourists in oil spill limbo. "Our Oily Bird Specials are at their lowest cost ever."
SE Oil Slick Beaches #4
SE beaches look to woo tourists in oil spill limbo. "Ever see tee-shirt oil slick fights?"
Oli Slick SE Beaches Trying To Draw Crowds #3
SE beaches look to woo tourists in oil spill limbo. "We've hired models to walk up & down beaches."
SE Oil Slick Beaches #2
SE beaches look to woo tourists in oil spill limbo. "With every room you get a free keg."
SE Beaches Expecting Oily Slick
SE beaches look to woo tourists in oil spill limbo. "We're dressing all female staff in thongs."
Philly Blocks Still A Mess
Philly blocks still not recovered from '85 bombing, as FEMA assures citizens that they are on their way.
Slow But We're Geting There!
Philly blocks still not recovered from '85 bombing. That's 1885!
Bufftett's Son #6
Warren Buffett's son preaches values as wealth. "If you have the wealth of daddy, you don't have to check the price tags."
Smokey One Of The First
NYC's Apollo Theater unveils its new Boogie of Fame.
Lions, Cubs & Bears, Oh My!
Many sports fans aren't showing up this year at the parks. Cities blame bad economy, $200 tickets, $20 Cokes.
Tigers Honor Late Announcer
Tigers pay tribute to late announcer Ernie Harwell. Promise to win a world series to be named later..much later.
World stocks down as EU deal euphoria, Greek bean salad, fizzles out.
Meetings Begin With A Song
Senate hearings prompting spill blame game. Two from GOP and Dems try to lighten up meeting with their version of "Down By The Oiled Slick Stream" but it doesn't help.
Senate Hearing Tuning Up
Senate hearings prompting spill blame game as practiced cries of "Bush Administration" and "You Lie!" overheard as they entered.
Pope Reviews Sex Scandals
Pope sees sex scandal as greatest treat to church. I'm sorry, that should have been "threat".
Pope sees sex scandal as greatest threat to church priests.
Agatha Christie Update #15
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "The Murder Of Dan Ackroyd"
Agatha Christie Update #14
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "At Byrl Tramps No-Tell Motel"
Agatha Christie Update #13
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "Appointment With Beth"
Agatha Christie Update #12
Experts now claim that mystery writer, Dame Agatha Christie did not write "Murder Is Queasy"
President Dancing Around Issues?
Axelrod: Obama is open to reviewing Macarena issue. I'm sorry, that should be "Miranda"
Blame Game Begins
The blame game is in full throttle as Congress begins hearings on the massive oil spill threatening sensitive marshes and marine life along the Gulf Coast. Come into room pointing fingers.
Obama: Too Much Into Technology
President Obama texted today that the country was to into new communication gadgets.
Increase In Number Of Poor, Pollution
UN fears 'irreversible' damage to natural environment as more and more having to turn to eating beans and cabbage.
Disability Claims Jump 200%
Spike in disability claims clogs overloaded system. "I think half the country has broken it's wishbone", states official.
Buffett's Son #5
Warren Buffett's son preaches values as wealth. "John boats are fine for lowly people. Try to work your way up to a yacht and before you know it, a cruise ship."
Buffett Son #4
Warren Buffett's son preaches values as wealth. "Not all of us can sock away savings & gold. Try starting with aluminum cans."
Buffett's Son #3
Warren Buffett's son preaches values as wealth. "You cannot get a job and expect to be the boss..well, most can't."
SEND FOR PADDY ASH DOWN!
Buffett's Son #2
Warren Buffett's son preaches values as wealth. "Everyone cannot afford to begin their marriages with a mansion, just a few of us."
Dorothy says no. Tin man's heart isn't in it. The Lion is afraid. The Straw Man thinks it's a no-brainer.
Warren Buffett's son preaches values as wealth. "Don't give them everything they want, right Daddy Poo?"
Gordon Brown resigns in "sordid" attempt to piss off Telegraph.
The Telegraph newspaper has voiced its outrage as yet again its attempts to enforce a political agenda have been derailed by someone else's.
Clssfd - kybrd
Fr sl, 1 cmptr kybrd. Mssng nly 5 kys. Nfrtntly t's th vwls. Cms cmplt wth cbls. £1, byr cllcts. Wld st smn wth n vwls n thr nm.
Classifieds - 5 keyboard keys
For sale: five computer keyboard keys - AEIOU, would suit a keyboard lacking in these letters. £30.
Imelda Marcos wins seat in the congress. Her supporters say it was a shoe-in.
Classifieds - Lawnmower
For sale, one Flymo 250 lawnmower unused still in box. Unwanted birthday present from my wife. Collect only: Flat 12b, 4th floor, Nelson Towers, Peckham. The cow is getting an iron for her birthday.
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