Spoof news snippets from Saturday 1 May 2010
Palin Changes Chant from "Drill, Baby, Drill"
to "Drill, Maybe, Drill"
Flying Higher & Higher
That recent 70-year-old antidepressant ban lifting for pilots have passengers complaining about pilot announcements of "we'll be landing within the next 5 minutes" after they have already landed.
Commode Sitter Back At It!
The 36-year-old Kansas woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet
for two years has been back on it again for three months. She has fallen in love with the new hard spraying bidet.
Commode Sitter Back On The Job
The 36-year-old Kansas woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet
for two years has been back on it again for three months. Apparently, she's defending the neighborhood from escaping alligators!
100% Of Electorate To Vote Conservative - Daily Telegraph
An independent unbiased opinion poll conducted by the Barclay brothers - owners of The Telegraph, has the entire country voting Tory on May 6th. "That's what we're printing on May 7th", they said.
Finished Second Twenty Times
"Loves To Smell Horse's Ass" pulled from the Kentucky Derby at the last moment.
Chinese Drywall Dangerous
Authorities say that all Chinese drywall needs to be torn down! Then whisper, 'or insured & burned to the ground but you didn't hear that from us.'
British grandmother says she is having a baby by her grandson. Plans to name it, "Arkansas".
Office Work No Joke!
Office survival guide sees humor in job misery, but not in ten Barnes & Noble stores being burned to the ground over carrying it.
Power Play Wins It!
Penis size 10-0 lead behind perfect power play! I'm sorry, that should have been: Pens seize 1-0 lead behind perfect power play!
Jazz Beat Nuggets!
Jazz beat Nuggets 112-104 to clinch series. Go blind!
Caribbean Airlines Extend Purchases
Caribbean Airlines to buy Air Jamaica, Air Haiti Air Dominican Republic & Air Jordan, keep routes.
Joan Baez Back On Tour
Joan Baez to play Grasshopper's Ridge's Artown festival in July. Everyone is invited. Overcome all you like!
Bunch Of Show-Off!
Iraq slams Afghanistan for interfering with its disaster!
Look For A Long Run
Drama Critics name 'Woman In Chair With Dog Humping Leg' best play of 2010.
Yeah, I Remember Those Days!
Of all the world's events of history, poll shows that average US student remembers "The Swine Flu" the most.
Loved Them All
New Bureau article in this morning's edition of TheSpoof says that of all her husband and lovers, Elizabeth Taylor loves her Dick the most.
We're Ready For November
New US Harris Poll shows the newly formed "Whatever" Party ahead in all 50 states.
Also NRA Approved
FDA approves breakthrough therapy, ending the suffering for all major diseases: The Shotgun!
"This Is Your Romance Gene"
Doctors use gene sequence to predict health risks. Watch for their tents at this summer's county fairs.
Hillary A Goddess Here!
Adult death rates lowest in Iceland as rigor mortis hard to tell.
That's What It Says
Steve Jobs attacks Adobe Flash as unfit for iPhone, tater tots, rubber biscuits, I don't know.
Cell Phones Up
Cell phone sales up 22 pct as economy recovers. Mostly, college kids calling home for more money.
3D Mars Rover!
Camera helping build 3-D Cameron for Mars rover. That should be...well, you know.
Asks Greenpeace To Clean Him Up
"This oil spill 'the bad one' -is a recipe for disaster", BP spokesman tells Gulf residents, just before he's tarred and feathered.
Somebody Kill Me!
Many endangered turtles dying on Texas Gulf Coast say they want the oil spill to "finish them off".
Ky. Derby Changes
With all the recent cut-backs, today's Kentucky Derby will be officially called, "The Run For The Carnations".
Nuclear Treaty Meeting
US: Consensus unlikely at nuclear treaty meeting. "Just as long as it doesn't become an explosive issue", say experts.
Liberals VS Dems?
Liberals struggle to challenge Dems on health care. I'm sorry, that should be...NO, it actually states Liberals!
Health, Financial Reform Yada Yada
Lessons from health bill apply to financial reform. Most are sick to death of hearing about either.
Census Workers Ready
Census workers get ready for door-to-door count. After door count, they will begin on number of people in household.
Greeks Protesting Also
Greek unions protest expected austerity measures as several leaders will have to share the same boy.
Thai Protesters May Get Help Soon
Thai protesters call for reinforcements in capital. Several confused US illegal immigrants wind up on ship headed that way!
UK's Chaotic Election
Wild scenarios emerge in UK's chaotic election as it's mathematically possible that Elton John may be elected new PM.
Food Prices To Go Up
New food standards take effect. All "fast food" burgers must now contain at least 25% meat.
Famous Names In The News
Former presidential candidate, Ross Perot, sentence to life in prison without Perot.
Derby Princess Selected
Bowling Green, Kentucky woman named Derby Princess as her head longer than that of John Kerry.
Can't Take Chances
Children's liquid cold, allergy medicine recalled after rumor mill whispers that some kid was "sneezing his head off!"
Tournament Minus Woods
Tournament goes on minus Woods as famous golfer disappears after female streaker runs past the 10th fairway.
Lawyer Challenged By Kennedy Cousin
Kennedy cousin Skakel's appeal to challenge lawyer. "Twenty paces, Monday morning at 7 AM, bring your 'second'"
Not Fit For Parole
DA says Manson follower Davis not fit for parole. "Asking too many questions about where today's actors, actresses live".
WASHINGTON - Regulators on Friday shut down three banks in Puerto Rico, two in Missouri, and one each in Michigan and Washington as one officer gets a wild hair up his ass.
Ariz. Deputy Shot
Arizona deputy shot; illegal immigrants suspected. Eric Clapton claims that it wasn't him.
Arizona deputy shot; illegal immigrants suspected. President condemns action, saying deputy shouldn't have got in the illegal immigrant's way.
Iceland Tops The Chart
Iceland has longest-lived men! Some live to be six-feet, eleven inches long.
Office Chair Menace
Your Office Chair Is Killing You? Experts recommend that you not leave things like nail files, letter openers and scissors within it's reach.
Children's Product Recalled
Children's liquid cold, allergy medicine recalled. One Old Timer recollects mother rubbing bacon grease and menthol on his chest.
Obama Still Bitter With Clintons
Obama to grads: Seek challenges, not party fights, eating like pigs, having sex in the oval office of the White House.
That's A Relief
BP plan deemed major spill from Gulf well unlikely. Reassure everyone that a second well leak, "extremely unlikely"
Woods Drops Out
In worse performance in years, Tiger Woods misses the cut, heads for comfort.
What Gordon Brown thought Gillian Duffy was trying to say no.27
I thought she asked me to solve the anagram "ogtib" and it took me several minutes. Eventually I realised it was "BIGOT", by which time I was back in the car.
Lady Gaga Protests Apple's Closing of Lala.com Music Service at the End of May
"It's a slap in the face of things and people with names that have repetitive syllables," she complains.
In Belgium People Can No Longer Wear Burqas in Public
And Belgian chocolates can no longer wrap themselves in foil.
Hawking Punks Reporters
Stephen Hawking now says that aliens are already among us and have already taken over many 'key' positions such as NYC taxi drivers. "B.e. s.u.r.e t.o. w.e.a.r y.o.u.r. a.l.u.m.i.n.u.m. h.a.t.s."
Letting It Pass
Experts say that we are falling behind in building wind energy. "If we don't begin building windmills soon, people will be begging you to fart their way within twenty years from now!"
City reforms could send Britain into double-dip recession, warns secret report, so secret that no one has seen it since losing last conspiracy expert in banking field died before he could pass it on.
NYC Cop Down!
Police 'victim chalk outline artist' in NYC hit by taxi cab, goes to meet his Marker!
Blame GPS Sold To Them By Nigerian
Astonished police in Hungary stop group of Afghan refugees who claim they have spent three years WALKING to Britain. "You mean THIS is not Britain?", asks leader. "Everybody, I have sad news."
Like Two Dotted Orbs
Titty-Shaped UFO beams up 75% of the earth's male population overnight, most volunteers.
Meanwhile "The Thing That Ate The Gulf "Creeps Closer!
U.S. Congress adjourns after Dems call GOP "Ninnies" and GOP calls Dems "Nannies" for eight straight hours. See the replay on cable TV tonight.
"Generation Idiot" Is Here
Muslim daubs war memorial with 'Islam will dominate the world' - but walks free after CPS says he was NOT racially motivated. Possibly religiously motivated but that's yet to be proved.
Maybe Even Below US Congress Numbers!
Labour on course for worst poll result in 92 years as support drops lower than a snake's belly in the rainy season.
Maybe They Meant Pacman?
Has Paxman got the truth from Brown? Brown explains 'bigot' drama to BBC attack dog and runs to party HQ. Does anybody understand any of this shit?
The Moon's in the 7th House, and Jupiter is Aligned with Mars
So what the hell is holding up that Peace train?
BP Makes Sacrifice
10,000 new jobs available cleaning up oil slick as it comes ashore. "Will help stimulate the economy", says CEO of BP.
American Cuts Costs
American Airlines to cut costs by piloting planes from the ground.
Panic Hits Metal Market
Large Hadron Collider now spinning out gold from lead like crazy. Now worth a dollar, two ninety-eight an ounce.
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "I Am The WalMart!"
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Hey Dude, Yoko Is Nude"
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "I'm In Love With Her Whip & I Heal Fine"
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Hair's Here, There & Everywhere".
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Helter, Felter!"
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Baby You Can Dive My Cigar"
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Here Comes The Pun!"
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Don't Let Me Down (Blow Me Back Up)".
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