Spoof news snippets from May 2010
There were 2,827 spoof news snippets published in May 2010. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Sarah Ferguson makes public apology
Yeah right. Like we're interested? Sorry you got caught? Or sorry for being ginger?
Herman Munster Loses Test Driver Job
Accidentally poking his flat topped melon through several convertable tops in the two-seater GM sports car line, test driver Munster was shown the door, though he dented the door frame too.
Massengill Desert Spring Cures Dry Crotches
New combination douche and personal lubrication product cures the dryest personal desert problem. If your cave produces nothing but dust, Desert Spring is the product for you.
Celine Dion Is Pregnant With Twins!
The singer's hangers-on confirm that Celene Dion, 42 and her husband Rene Angelil, 116, are expecting twins! In other non-news, grass is green, trees are pretty, and my ass itches 15 hours a day.
It's time the Mets got Dontrelle Willis,
Another bad pitcher really won't kill us.
Just one more decision
That draws broad derision,
It's certainly bound to fulfill us.
Good news for ethnic minorities
Duchess of York says Prince Andrew is 'whiter than white' Jackson family alerted.
Joan Rivers - 103-Years-Old And Still Bitchin'
Joan Rivers recently told Barbara Walters that she is extremely proud of the fact that altough she is 103, she does not look a day over 93.
God hates Louisiana.
Need proof? Hurricanes Gustav, Rita, Katrina, Lili, Andrew, Betsy, Audrey. Danny Wuerffel. Russell Erxleben. 1977-78 New Orleans Jazz uniforms. BreAnn McGregor.
Duchess of York takes 40 grand in cash
And the table, and the lamp, and some towels and a dressing gown. And a sachet of sugar.
In Belgium People Can No Longer Wear Burqas in Public
And Belgian chocolates can no longer wrap themselves in foil.
Lady Gaga Protests Apple's Closing of Lala.com Music Service at the End of May
"It's a slap in the face of things and people with names that have repetitive syllables," she complains.
Robot Replaces Cleric or Public Official, Performs Wedding Ceremony in Tokyo
Under development is a Robot that will declare divorces.
Hugh Hefner, alias The Viagra Kid
Hugh Hefner, who is 84, said that if all of the Viagra pills he has taken were laid end-to-end they would reach from the tip of his pecker to the moon.
Duchess accepts $40.000 on the table
Says she thought she was on 'Dickinson's Real Deal'
BA's Willie Walsh fails job interview
Richard Branson tells him to 'get stretched'
Boy George's Brand New Gay Name
Boy George has just announced on the BBC in London that he is changing his name to the more politically correct Queer George.
The World's Most Famous Clown
The sister of the world's most famous circus clown, Emmett Kelly, recalls that growing up her little brother always smelled funny.
Martin Sheen Edges Towards Louisiana Shore
Sorry...Oily sheen heads towards Louisiana shore...
The Truth Behind Edgar Allan Poe's "Raven"
Edgar Allan Poe revealed that the raven was originally an ostrich but he changed it because "quote the ostrich nevermore" did not quite have that certain ring to it.
BP Chief: "Top Kill Does Not Mean Murder CEO!"
BP PLC CEO Tony Hayward is adamant about getting the message out: " 'Top Kill' does not mean murder the CEO!"
Bart Simpson charged with shoplifting.
This week Simpsons progeny Bart J. Simpson was arrested and charged with shoplifting. He was spotted engaging in what police are characterizing as a "four-finger discount".
Sir Elton John and Sir Paul McCartney To Star In A Film About Scotland Yard
Sir Elton John has said he and Sir Paul McCartney will be starring in a movie based on Scotland Yard. He added the original title was Two Sirs at Scotty Y, but it is now A Guy and A Gal at Scotty Y.
Fans Loiter at MJ's Grave.
Michael Jackson's cemetery began removing people hanging out in front of MJ's grave. A fan group is concerned about their plans to gather at the mausoleum on June 25. The event's name: LOSERPALOOZA.
CA Medical Marijuana Club Unionizes, Becomes Even More Unproductive.
Oakland, CA: 100 employees at a medical marijuana dispensary joined the United Food & Commercial Workers Union. Management: "Jesus, we thought they were unmotivated and unproductive before.
Finally - The Mel Brooks Sequel To Blazing Saddles
Mel Brooks said that he will be doing a sequel to his 1974 comedy western Blazing Saddles. The sequel will be called Burning Hemorrhoids.
Clint Eastwood's Much Awaited Sequel To "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly"
Clint Eastwood has said that he will finally make the sequel to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It will be called, The Good, The Bad, and The Old As Hell.
The Country Songstress Still Known as LeAnn Rimes
Country singer LeAnn Rimes says that thanks to her husband-stealing, home-wrecking ways she now has enough material for her next album.
Christina Aguilera Fans The Lady Gaga Rumors
Christina Aguilera says that Lady Gaga should be up front and tell the world that she is really Lady Guyguy.
Why The Hell Is Donald Trump Above The Law?
It is all being kept hush hush, but the word on the street is that Donald Trump's hairdo was condemned by The New York City Health Department but Trump pulled some strings and reversed the ruling.
Kathy Griffin Wanted Levi Johnston's Baby Bad
Kathy Griffin has revealed that she wanted to have Levi Johnston's baby so bad that she even offered to buy him a gold-plated hockey stick, a snowmobile, and 20 cases of his favorite beer.
Daleks Heading For Extinction
Seems they have problems getting a leg over.
Frankie Avalon's 73rd Beach Movie
Frankie Avalon, who is 94, announces that he will be starring in his 73rd beach movie entitled, Beach Blanket Viagra.
Prediction of the Century...
Astrological Guru, Russell Grant has predicted a Conservative landslide victory. Gordon Brown has commented that he hopes that "Grant gets Clegg on his face!"
The Greenland Snip Snip Here Snip Snip There Procedure
Greenland has just become the world's first country to officially approve of do-it-yourself vasectomies.
Keira Knightley Says Her Boobs Are So Small She Feels Like Taylor Swift
Keira Knightley says that she wishes she had tits like Pamela Anderson, except only not as old, flabby, or wrinkly.
Cheryl Cole's Naked Pix Stir Up Stirrings
Secret nude photographs that were recently taken of Cheryl Cole have just been named by Handshake Magazine as the year's "Top (Blank)abating Photos."
Facebook Facing Forced Name Change
60 percent of users are thinking about leaving Facebook. The CEO of Facebook said that, according to Federal law, if the percentage of people leaving goes past 80% it must change its name to MYSPACE.
All Mexican Restaurants Closed
Cited as the single largest source of global warming through human refried bean methane production, all US Mexican restaurants were closed by the FDA.
"Cheese Away" Product Available for Men Who Don't Wash
For men who have difficulty understanding their nutsacks should not have "layers" of gummy material caked on them, Cheese Away dries out and flakes off weeks of accumulated ball cheese.
Herman Melville's Moby Dick By Any Other Name
Herman Melville, who wrote the sea classic Moby Dick in 1851, said that it was originally titled Moby Penis.
Jane Fonda's "Barbarella" 42 Years Later
Jane Fonda will soon begin shooting on the sequel to 1968s Barbarella. The sequel is titled, Hagarella - The Cellulite Years.
A well-hung parliament is the last thing the Queen needs
Regardless of how many are actually hetero....
The Fast As The Dickens Sheryl Crow
Singer Sheryl Crow says that in high school she ran the 50 yard dash and was so fast that her coach called her "As The Crow Flies."
Meagan McCain Suggests The Title For Ann Coulter's Autobiography
Meagan McCain who cannot stand Ann Coulter has suggested that a good title for her autobiography would be Hey Look At What The Cat Dragged In.
The Truth About Adam Lambert's Crotch
Adam Lambert has confided that he is seeing a sex therapist because he said that thinking about Courtney Love has given him some erections.
The Original Name of The Barenaked Ladies Was...
The band The Barenaked Ladies stated that they were originally called The Birthday Suited Bitches, but decided to change to the less offensive sounding name The Barenaked Ladies.
Jay Leno's Fat Chin Is The World's Most Famous Fat Chin
Jay Leno says that his chin officially weighs more than Dustin Hoffman's entire body.
The Latest 'Gate' Scandal
For the past few years stories have emerged with the word gate as an appendage to imply some type of scandal. Watergate, Irangate, Climategate are but a few -- the next one has got to be: FERGIEGATE
Scientists Say There Are People Who Are 4 Percent Neanderthal
Big Whoop! Most of us have met numerous folks who seem to be 99.9 percent Neanderthal.
Cecil B. DeMille's Original Ten Commandments
Cecil B. DeMille wrote in his autobiography that his Biblical epic The Ten Commandments was originally to have been called That List of Those Ten Really Important Things.
Charles "The Round Mound" Barkley Could Become A Movie Star
TNT sports analyst Charles "The Round Mound" Barkley has been told if he agrees to lose 200 pounds he will be offered the lead in the movie, Brobama - The Story of President Barack "Barry" Obama.
Charles Barkley Reveals Who His White Soul Mate Is
Charles Barkley, TNT sports commentator, says that he now weighs exactly as much as his white soul mate Kirstie Alley who weighs 409 pounds.
The Elderly Singer Formerly Known As Madonna
The latest Madonna rumors are saying that the old singer will be going in to have the world's first 'personality transplant.'
Britney Spears Tits Are To Be Tatted
Britney Spears said she's getting her left tit tattooed with the words "The Right One." And her right tit tattooed with the words, "The Left One." When asked why? She said to confuse the tit watchers.
Conservatives' plan to crap public sector pensions 'not sensible'
Could have sworn that 'cap' is spelled with an 'r'...
Pablo Picasso and Amy Winehouse - What A Pair
Pablo Picasso, the abstract painter, says that Amy Winehouse looks just like one of his paintings.
Kelly Clarkson's Weight Is Going Up Faster Than Tiger Woods' Libido
American Idol's first winner Kelly Clarkson called up Kirstie Alley and asked her if she had any old clothes to sell.
Whoopi Goldberg Tells It Like It Damn Is!
Whoopi Goldberg confessed that as long as Sara Bernhard is around, she will not be the ugliest celebrity in Tinsel Town.
Nick Clegg and David Cameron Are Already Fighting!
War has already broken out at number 10 Downing Street as Nick Clegg and David Cameron are already squabbling over which bedroom they should have. Clegg wants the one with blue curtains.
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #1)
Jesse says he cheated on Sandra because in his mind he actually believed that he was the white trash, redneck version of Tiger "Dick With Feet" Woods.
Kirstie Alley's Absolutely Amazing Way To Lose Weight
Kirstie Alley said that she lost two pounds yesterday; she sneezed twice.
The Famous Oil Paintings of The Big Easy - New Orleans
The New Orleans Museum of Fine Art has stated that if a hurricane hits, oil spill oil is liable to cover every single painting in the museum turning even pastel drawings into oil paintings.
Paris Hilton's New Home Is In Quite a Neighborhood
Paris Hilton got a hell of a deal on a 10,000 sq. ft. home she purchased on eBay. She paid $7 for it. When asked where it is located she replied, "It's next to Eyjafjallajokull whatever that is."
The Con Artist Formerly Known As Mr. Bernie Madoff
In the Bad News/Good News Department: The bad news is that the prison inmates have turned Bernie Madoff into a bitch. The good news is that 'she' was recently elected Queen of Cell Block F.
Is The Infamous Lindsay "LiLo" Lohan With Child?
Lindsay Lohan says the rumors about her being pregnant are false. She said her belly weight gain is simply due to eating way too many Twinkies. She also noted that she does not like pee pees.
Russell Brand's Vulgar Mouth Gets Him In Trouble Again!
Russell Brand said that when he remarked that he would like to kiss Queen Elizabeth's ass he meant it in a respectable way.
Glenn Beck Surgically Alters Tear Ducts
Shedding tears on demand by squeezing his left testacle, Glenn Beck added more well orchestrated drama to his show. The tears appear to be thick and white.
Harry Bawlsax Named Mayor of Smegma Falls
Fighting to keep the name of his city unchanged, Bawlsax won today's mayoral election and retained the name of odiferous town as Smegma Falls, Wyoming.
Rand Paul Asked if He's Ever Used KY-Jelly
His reply was "Sure, lots of times. Jelly from Kentucky, in my opinion, is some of the best dang jelly in the country."
Joan Rivers Looks Like A Damn Freakin' Space Alien For Goodness Sakes!
Joan Rivers, who is rivaling Heidi Montag in the plastic surgery department, has admitted that the only thing on her that she has not had lifted is her dress.
Is It Demi Moore or Demi Lovato?
Word coming out of Tinsel Town is that an angry Demi Moore is suing young teen star Demi Lovato for first name infringement.
Woman appears on Britain's Got Talent WITHOUT a sob story!
Tennesse Williams By Any Other Name
The famed writer Tennessee Williams was really from Kentucky, but he said that the name Kentucky Williams was already taken by a wrestler so he just went down one state.
The Reasons Jesse James Says He Cheated On His Wife Sandra Bullock (Reason #2)
Jesse says that he cheated on Sandra to prove to himself how much better in bed she was than plain, common, tattaooed ho skanks.
Miss USA And The Camel Lips Rumors
Rima Fakih, the New Miss USA, stated that the rumors going around about her having kissed a camel on the lips back in college are false. She pointed out that it was the camel's left ear she kissed.
Where The Hell Did Jesse James' Tattoo Infatuation Come From?
Jesse James says he first became infatuated with women with tattoos because of his grandmother Gertrude "Bubba" James who had over 37 tattoos, including tattoos of cows, combines, and rooster dicks.
Stockpile of Tar Found in One Louisiana Parish
The tar was discovered in a large kettle simmering over an open fire. Several garbage bags full of chicken feathers were found close by along with a list of the names of the BP oil executives.
Donny Osmond Turns Down The Role of Bruno Tonioli
Donny Osmond said he turned down the lead in the motion picture based on the life of Dancing With The Stars judge Bruno Tonioli. Osmond said he just feels that there is no way that he can act gay.
Jennifer Aniston Says She Has Not Changed The Nicknames of Her Hooters
Jennifer Aniston says that she is still holding out hope that one day her ex-husband Brad Pitt will return to her. In fact Jen says that she still calls her left one Brad and her right one Pitt.
Some Pizza in Naples May Be Baked by Using Wood from Caskets
It's pizza to die for.
When asked who should play Glastonbury in place of U2
Bono's doctors suggested Spinal Tap
We are addressing the Democratic Deficit
Cameroons whooping up Whitehall. Those damn Scots will pay for this outrage.
An Andy Dick By Any Other Name Is Still An Andy Dick
Andy Dick says that he is tired of all of the vulgar remarks and jokes about his name. He says that he will soon be changing it to Andy Pecker.
Democrats blame George W. Bush for Gulf oil spill
Chris Dodd says Bush scuba dived to the rig blew it up. He also said "Bush did it he can fix it, Obama's not responsible for jack and will enjoy a oil free Chicago over the memorial day weekend."
Gibbs Tells Press To Shut The &$%$ Up
Press Secretary Robert "Dances Around The Question Like A Ballerina" Gibbs refused to answer questions about the Sestak Job scandal. Told press to "$%^ off, the people don't need to know about this!"
Dennis Hopper's Wife Says Actor "Not all that sick." Hopper's Corpse Begs To Differ..
Dennis Hopper's estranged wife filed documents last week, claiming the actor is not as infirmed as he claims. Hopper responded today by dying. Husband 1, Wife 0. Death was credited with an assist.
Julie Andrews Certainly Has Quite a Pair
Julie Andrews recently had breast augmentation surgery. So now the hills will really be alive with the sound of music.
Miss USA Has Discarded All Of Her Adult Sex Toys Except For One
Rima Fakih says the adult sex toys she won in 2007, when she was crowned Detroit's Pole Dancing Champion, have along ago been discarded. She smiled and added, "Well except for the Ron Jeremy one."
The Somali Pirates Are In a Bad Financial Situation
A spokesperson for the Somali Pirates has stated that they have to hijack a vessel and soon or else risk having to file for bankruptcy.
Ron Jeremy Tells Tiger Woods How The Cow Ate The Cabbage
Porn king Ron Jeremy has said that compared to him Tiger Woods is nothing but just a little half-black boy playing with his little balls.
Bernard Madoff From Con Artist To (Blank)
Bernard Madoff, America's biggest all-time con-artist has just announced that for the third month in a row he has been named "Cell Block Bitch of The Month."
The Forgotten Actor Formerly Known As Billy Bob Thornton
The nearly totally forgotten Billy Bob Thornton has signed to star in the film 'OctoMom Gets Knocked Up Again.' The highly versatile Thornton will be portraying Nadya Suleman.
Greyson Chance Says He Wants To Be Just Like Lady Gaga...Hmmm.
Greyson Chance, the 12-year-old singer, will be going on tour with his idol, Lady Gaga. Greyson will be performing under the name Boy Gaga.
Man Bites Dog But She Lives to Divorce Him
Following a night of heavy drinking, coyote ugly sex and a Vegas marriage, Vern Shanks bites his wife's arm off in the morning to get away.
Amy Winehouse and Her Very Talented Vagina
Amy Winehouse told her hair stylist that her vagina can make more of a variety of noises than any vagina in the entire United Kingdom.
Americans A Bigger Threat To America Than Al Queda
Counter Terrorism Adviser John Brennan stated at a CSIS briefing that regardless of the Radical Islamic ties between previous attacks, white christian Americans are a greater threat than terrorists.
Big Difference in Price
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
Teacher and BNP member Adam Walker
has been cleared of racism charges by the General Teaching Council. He joined Nick Griffin in toasting his victory with a glass of Newcastle Pale Ale.
The Original Name of Walt Disney's Famous Mouse
Walt Disney stated in his autobiography Mickey Mouse This that the original name of the famous mouse was "Rat's Ass" but he changed it at the last minute for the obvious reason.
Gibbs Privately Scolded Press for Asking Too Many BP Questions
White House Press Secretary Robert "Dances Around The Question Like A Ballerina" Gibbs told members of the press: "I'm tired of your questions about BP, Lord Obama will decide what the people hear"
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