Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 9 March 2010
Attention Span Lengthens
Most in US agree that they only lost their attention span twice in the 1.26 Milliseconds the earthquake cost time on earth, so we're improving.
Wasted 1.26 Milliseconds
Experts claim that you could have gotten things over with during the lost 1.26 Milliseconds of the Chile earthquake, like say you have listened to Yanni.
Authorities say that during the 1.26 Milliseconds we lost during Chile earthquake, everyone could have gotten a good start on making some instant pudding.
Treasury Secretary says that the 1.26 Milliseconds we lost during Chili earthquake cost the U.S. to go another 2.9 billion dollars in debt.
News From Iran
Huge mushroom cloud over Iran said to be freak storm by religious leaders.
President says "No more Mr. Nice Guy" with Republicans. "I'm taking my pants off."
Fat Woman Helps Police
Police help woman who was hired as a "mule' to carry cocaine into the US to obtain a new identity, after she ruins the whole load with a big fart. Before leaving, she gave names and identified pics.
Jackson Alias #18
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including dressing up as a woman and using Jenny Tull.
Internet introduce a new "PORN" domain, The Spoof has applied too!
The internet is to introduce a brand new exclusive "Porn Domain" and The Spoof has already claimed a site on it called: www.thespoofguidetotheultimateejaculationexperience.CUM!
Skoob1999 come back
Get with it. Take an antidepressant. Go on vacation. Come back as Skoob2099.
Giant Panda still not interested in sex
Giant Panda Gu Gu still not in mood for sex but may 'knock one out' sometime this evening say chinese zoo officials.
Show your gun at Starbuck's , receive a free latte'
"Upholding the 2nd amendment is something we can all be proud of!" Said Starbuck's spokesmouth Darrell Steemer yesterday.
Hillary near to discovering cause of devastating earthquakes says Obama
"What humanitarian crisis will she solve next? This most mightiest of International women?" Said the president in press conference remarks.
Giant target hung on Yosemite's Half Dome to honor right to carry guns
"They paid their admission fees, now why not have a little sporting fun and plink at the biggest gosh darn target in America!" said Park Superintendent Sanjay Omar Guptamos
World as we know it woudn't exist without Hillary, says Obama
"On International Woman's Day, I want to repeat that we owe our progress, nay, our very civilization to this woman that I pretended to scorn two years ago", the President said in remarks today.
Women responsible for 99 1/2% of births says Obama
Other half percent "probably aliens",President remarks during International Women's Day ceremonies.
Insurance Rates Speed Ahead
Insurance rates up more than 30% in some areas, 98% for Toyotas!
Obama gives Hillary Clinton credit
The Secretary of State's Visa credit line had just been terminated.
Jackson Alias #17
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Jack Cass.
Jackson Alias #16
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Chris Peacock.
Intl. Women's Day: Obama honors women's role in America's growth
Without birth, U.S. would be lesser country says President.
A Toyota Camry won the NASCAR race in Atlanta over the weekend with the winner taking 49 victory laps until it ran out of gas.
Jackson Alias #15
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Yuri Yankov.
Why Rio Win
Insiders report the the reason that Rio de Janeiro won the site of the 2016 Olympics over Chicago is due to the fact that the athletes there will go topless.
Jackson Alias #14
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Willy B. Hardigan.
Jackson Alias #13
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Wayne Kerr.
Jackson Alias #12
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Noah Knowles.
Larry King Explains Mystery
Strange circumstances this morning when an ancient mummy from Egypt unwrapped & it looks like Larry King's twin brother! However King says it's actually his cousin, Impotet King.
Jackson Alias #11
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Mike Hock Hertz.
Jackson Alias #10
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Max E. Padd
Jackson Alias #9
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including disguised as Big Moe Lester.
Hoping For More Tourists
Treasury Secretary says he hopes there will be more tourist visiting the US this year. US economy helped by their purchasing cheaper products now that the dollar is worth 25 cents.
New Home Security Warning
Home Security terrorist warning says we should especially be careful at airports, bus stations, subways, hotels, trains, motels, sporting events and, apparently, your Aunt Hilda during the summer.
Jackson Alias #8
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Barry A Bone.
Jackson Alias #7
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Phillip D. Pansy.
Jackson Alias #6
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Ivan Yankin.
Jackson Alias #5
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Little Nat Sass.
Jackson Alias #4
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Phil Mike Crotch.
Jackson Alias #3
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Doug Hole!
Jackson Alias #2
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Ben Down.
Michael Jackson Drug Alias
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Tad Moore Please.
New Orient Express
200mph 'New Orient Express' could get passengers from London to Beijing in TWO days. ONE day if built by Toyota, but no stops in between.
Bali Bomber Shot, What!
Bali bomber 'shot dead, right through the head, gave him an earth bed, all to be said' by the world famous rhyming police in Indonesia.
Already Receive 'Insure'
Plan to force dog owners to pay £500 to insure their pet 'will penalise responsible owners'. "We give our two 'Insure' twice a week", say several owners.
Politically Correct Anthem Dropped
Canada drops plans for politically correct anthem. Females, French, Moose and Lumberjacks object!
Armstrong In S. Africa
Lance Armstrong arrives in South Africa on his mission to pedal around the world.
Lil Wayne Locked Up
Lil Wayne begins 1-year jail term in NYC gun case. "It's a good thing he's small", states officer. "Or he'd never have fitted into that gun case.
Toyota Disputes Claim
Toyota disputes critic who blames electronics. "He's sneaking around doing something to our perfectly safe cars."
Experience Big Kirstie Alley In Your TV Room!
Sony to start selling 3-D TVs in June. Say even though there's still not anything on, at least it will look different.
Sage Grass Endangered?
Energy groups relieved sage grass won't be listed on endangered species list. Sorry, that should be "sage grouse".
Not Another Gore
Al Gore's cousin, Billy Bob Gore, claims that it's Global Humidity that causing earthquakes.
China passenger car sales up 55 pct in February. New Chinese "Hungmobile" catching the eyes of older American males.
US No Longer Able To Help?
Greek PM not looking for aid in meeting with Obama as dollars just not worth all that much anymore.
Like A Truck "Runaway Lane"
Prius with stuck accelerator glides to safe stop in farmer's pond. Interstates may hire thousands to dig stopping-ponds throughout the country.
Big Wedding Plans
Washington weddings begin for same-sects couples as Rev. Moon paying a visit.
Just Next Month
Russia sees new nuclear arms treaty to be completed and begin to be ignored by April.
Dems Dismissing Foes Of Welfare Bill
Gibbs brushes off resigned congressman's complaint. "Neither him nor any of the others being against the health care bill know what they are talking about." Asks ten more to resign.
Senate to take up unemployment insurance extension through the next ten years. Say that it's a sign there will not be a quick recovery.
Need Nuclear Energy
Israel, Syria, Monica, Vatican City announce nuclear energy ambitions.
Cyber-bullying cases put heat on Google, Facebook. Both told to get their asses in gear or government will deal with them after class.
Old Shipwrecks Discovered
Centuries-old shipwrecks discovered in Baltic Sea. Several believed to have been sunk by huge white whale whose skeleton found also.
Buried alive: Half of Earth's life may lie below land, sea. Morlocks say they want to be left alone, may resurface after nuclear war.
Feds & Frogs?
Feds: Calif. man ran student visa frog ring...I'm sorry, that should be 'student fraud ring'.
New Health Care To Reduce Numbers Of Old People?
2 of oldest people in US die: in NH 114, Michigan 113. Republicans accuse Obama policies.
The Troit Lions
Detroit wants to save itself by shrinking. May change name to simply. "Troit".
Hundreds Of Unknown Shipwrecks?
Gas pipeline probe uncovers shipwrecks in Baltic Sea. "Looks like another 'Bermuda Triangle'," says one captain.
Oxygen Levels Lower
Growing low-oxygen zones in oceans worry scientists as porpoises complain about getting "the bends" if they surface too fast.
Class-action lawsuits could cost Toyota $3B-plus. Police now say speeders use stuck gas pedal, electronics as excuse when pulled over. Respond that, if true, they couldn't pull over!
Cowell hires actress to play fiance on Leno
Last night Simon Cowell appeared on The Jay Leno show. He hired an out of work actress to play the part of his fiance. She was wearing a HUGE ring which Simon had bought from Honest Ed's in Toronto.
Name that Tune and Band
Q Lyric snipit:
"I was floatin' in the ocean
greased with suntan lotion"
A llufnoopS 'nivoL yb cisuM dnaB guJ
America's Future: In Good Hands?
Experts say students more likely to cheat after Sarah Palin caught with notes scribbled on palms of hands. On the bright side, at least she can read and write. Oops! I totally meant to say "they."
Brad Paisley Hits the Stage
Country singer Brad Paisley falls on his guitar after tripping during a performance. A good sport, he invites fans to post footage of the fall on EweTube, then performs an encore set in falsetto.
Palin's New Book
Sarah Palin's new "Going Rogue" is a bestseller. When you look it up on Amazon, it says that purchasers of this book also bought, "Mad Magazine, The Top 200 Covers".
Now It's The Men
Jon Gosselin in new Men's Swimsuit Edition of Playguy Magazine. He's wearing painted on swimming trunks with painted on penis.
Warnings on back of trucks and buses now ask that "IF YOU ARE DRIVING A TOYOTA, YOU ARE TOO CLOSE"
New CIA Warning!
The CIA has issued a warning that the FBI are a bunch of jerks!
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