Spoof news snippets from Monday 8 March 2010
Mary had a little Lamb ! ...and the Doctor Fainted.
Bad Economic Times
Some US families are having to cut back to having only two kids due to the present economic slump. "It's hard to pick which one has to be left behind, but the sisters were patting him on the head."
Former Vice President says that if the United states wanted to stop Iran from building nuclear weapons he saw it as a cake walk.
Obama To Israel
President Obama says that when he goes to Israel later this year he will take only a few chosen people with him.
Hillary Back From China
Secretary of state Clinton who finished her visit to China said she was amazed that that President Hu had a great Uncle who played first for the Red Sox in the 1930's. "I don't know was on third."
SuBo Sings, Prince Denies
Susan Boyle sang "Someday My Prince Will Come" at the Royal Albert Hall. Her prince sang, "Not Bloody Likely" in response.
Don't you sometimes think...
Shit everyone in this world. I only care about myself.
The Internet is a fundamental human right except for THE SPOOF!
Everybody should have access to the internet except those slanderous, cynical, lovely bunch of geniuses at the SPOOF, they're a danger to mankind and sometimes even tell the TRUTH, shocking!
Came Out Of Nowhere
Last night's surprise winner of "Short Subjects" was Jon Gosselin!
"Transparent my arse!"
Placard carried aloft at demo (In re Cardiff City FC), but could apply to President Obama's behind closed door meetings with lobbyists.
French Man Becomes Oil Magnate Overnight
Esat Altindagoglu has struck oil in his Parisian home - an icon of the Virgin Mary has been crying tears of oil. He has collected several hundred gallons of the stuff in just two months!
Economic "Ozone Hole" opens over Washington
Dollars quickly escaping into space.
Did you spend four hours watching the Academy Awards last night?
Get a life.
Notes From The Academy Awards
Star Trek wins make-up award. Do you mean Spock's ears aren't real?
The Oscars: Keith 'Cheggars' Chegwin devasted after failing yet again to pick up an award from the Academy
The Naked Jungle naturist game show presenter is still reeling after being overlooked for his role as Egghead Wentworth in the 1967 CFF film - The Troublesome Double.
Notes From The Academy Awards
At only 5 foot tall, Ben Stiller looked less like an Avatar native than a Smurf on drugs.
Notes From The Academy Awards
The Hurt Locker wins for Best Original Screenplay. I guess the current plagairism suit against the movie doesn't count?
Notes From The Academy Awards
Gabourney Sidibe wears giant purple dress; was she auditioning to be the grape in the Fruit of the Loom commercials?
Notes from The Academy Awards
Gabourney Sidibe, 450 pound actress from Precious, breaks the weight record to become "The Biggest Loser."
The Dude Wins Oscar
Jeff Bridges, forever the Dude, actually likes the Eagles, doesn't bowl, sing, or play the guitar.
Just A Reminder
Chile earthquake may have shortened day by 1.26 milliseconds. Be sure to include that factor when moving clock forward an hour for Daylight Saving Time later this month.
Tunick Nude Shoot Mishap
Thousands of nudes show up at the wrong places for latest photographer Spencer Tunick shoot. Get photographed anyway.
Bunning Blocks #4
Senator Jim Bunning from Kentucky blocks Marine returning home from Iraq from kissing wife and family!
Conspiracy Theory number five: Drugs Scandal
Multi Billion Dollar/Pound Drug companies are trying to get the entire population of the world dependant on drugs,
The human immune system destroyed Billions of profit for them and a dumb population.
Bunning Blocks #3
Senator Jim Bunning from Kentucky blocks Governor from making last-minute call to save prisoner from execution!
Bunning Blocks #2
Senator Jim Bunning From Kentucky blocks kids in the street from getting to ice cream vendor.
Senator Jim Bunning from Kentucky blocks road in front of hospital emergency room.
Conspiracy Theory number four: The microchip agenda
The Illuminati control the world by using the media to control
a majority of people at present. In future it is planned to have a 100% control of people by Micro Chipping the entire population.
On Life Support
Overnight the President's health care bill has taken a turn for the worse. Family Plan called in.
At Last We Know
Revealed: Why so many Scots have ginger hair. "Because the sun never shines under kilts."
Conspiracy Theory number three: Alien Technology
Technology recovered from the Roswell flying saucer crash has been reverse engineered. That's why technology has advanced as much in a short period of time.
Mobile Phones,Laptops,Nano Technology etc.
Named & Shamed
Firms that snub the babes and broads will be named and shamed, PM says.
Saw It In The Paper
Headlines: The squirrels who love to get stuck into coconuts! Either this is a real article about the park or the sequel to "Men Who Stare At Goats".
Wine Helps You Lose Weight
Cheers! A glass of wine a day can help you stay slim, especially if it gives you the runs.
Conspiracy Theory number two: 911 the passport
How could a passport belonging to the alleged terrorist pilot,
survive all the way to ground Zero when everything else was turned to dust.
You Have Five Supermarkets
50% of towns have five supermarkets on their doorsteps, say study group that apparently have plenty of time on their hands.
Conspiracy Theory number one: 911 the two towers
How did the two towers in the World trade centre get turned to dust.It is certain an aluminium plane could not destroy solid steel.Even atomic bombs don't destroy steel only a laser beam could.
Ahmadinejad Discovers Horse's Head
Chilcot inquiry: Middle East has more respect for Britain because of Iraq war, says Godfather, David Miliband.
Big Chill Could Hit Any Time
Enjoying the sun? Beware - the big chill isn't over yet. Brits warned to keep snow shovel handy while sun bathing.
Busch Wins Again
Kurt Busch wins again at Atlanta after 2 crashes. Finishes with car hood missing, three blown-out tires from wrecks.
The Ass Looks Big Diet
Jeans test claims to show what diet works best, especially those new hip-huggers from Levi.
We All Must Help
Methane seen as growing climate risk as parents may have to keep their 'Little Farts' in the house more.
Iraq Elections Good For Obama
Analysis: For Obama, Iraq elections are good news. May run for president there in 2012.
Chinese accused of hacking into President's teleprompter with special at Wang Su's this week which Obama passes on during mid-speech.
"First, Everybody Grab A Cold One!"
Obama to appeal for public support on health care. Hopes to have live two-hour beer conference on TV.
Gates Busy These Days
Gates meeting with military, political leaders, his old Rock Band..sings "Baby, I'm A Want You".
"Has To Be Stevens!"
Pakistan seeks identity of American suspect who calls himself, Abdul Bob Katz!
"That's Cat Stevens!"
Pakistan seeks identity of American suspect who calls himself, Abdul Dairy Dinner.
Al-Qaida Showing Stress Of Attacks
Al-Qaida calls on US Muslims to attack America, Canada and Klingon planet!
Really Up-To-Date Textbooks
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution, that "Hurt Locker" was the top movie this year.
Obama Stuck In Neutral
Obama to appeal for public support on health care #153! Look for his recorded message in the mail.
Pakistan Appeals For Help
Pakistan seeks identity of American suspect who calls himself, Ali Andkate!
Pakistan Needs Identity
Pakistan seeks identity of American suspect who calls himself, Ali Ali Oxen Free.
Pakistan Needs Help
Pakistan seeks identity of American suspect who calls himself, Ali Dente.
First In New Category
Oscar Winner for Best Imitation of Acting by a Bad Martial Artist Film, Woody Allen for "Bad Times & Bad Asses Of Manhattan."
New Oscar Winner
The Oscar Winner for Best Grip went to Shelia McCoy, after being dominated by Monica Lewinsky for ten years.
Colder This Year
Competitors begin Iditarod race to Nome. Hope to avoid dog teams stuck on ice floes & rescued last year.
Conservatives Debate Divorce
Okla. conservatives debate divorce legislation. "The Sooners, the better", say legislatures.
Don't Mess With Texas
Suspected gunman killed outside Walmart in Texas, by Wally World Earp & his brothers.
Al-Qaida: Attack In The Name Of Peace
Al-Qaida calls on US Muslims to attack America. "So we can all have peace, especially after we attack Europe also."
Home School Different
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution, Al Gore.
Iran Leader Apparently Blind
Iran's Ahmadinejad: Sept. 11 attacks a 'big lie'. "Those buildings are still there!"
Hurt Locker Wins
"Hurt Locker" was the big hit last night and has everyone asking each other, "when was it on?"
Rabbits Appalled by Popularity of the "Alice in Wonderland" Movie
One rabbit complains, "People looking for a better life are jumping into rabbit holes and invading our turf."
Obama Travels in Order to Push His Health Care Plan
Cigarettes, burgers, and pie are packed in his suitcase.
Iran claims element 200 (atomic number 200)
Even Russia and China surprised by Iran's latest claim. Iran names element: DTIAA (Death to Israel and America).
Keira Knightley - denies rumour she wears a transparent fat suit
"Not knightley", said her agent.
Spoofer receives subtle threats from Obama's camp
Said spoofer promises to cut back on spoofs that show-up Obama for what he is: a poor bowling partner.
Keira Knightley - creature of the night
"Goes out mostly at Night", said her agent - and on her night trips she "wears a transparent fat suit". Reasons for wearing a transparent fat suit at night are not clear.
SAIC demands "first dibs"
Bidding war for Cheryl Cole's story eclipsed by super-bidding war for Victoria Beckham's bunion - turns out it is made up of "Super Trooper" ABBA type above-top-secret nanobots.
Brain Biggest Organ?
Report: At least half of all Viagra bought on the internet is fake...but, somehow, still works.
Sarah Palin Show #2
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: Alfred Hitchcock Presents: Sarah Palin (As she walks into her shapely shadow)
Sarah Palin Show?
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "Southern Exposure"
New Positions To Be Filled
Sesame Street, the US Congress and Senate to add more than 50 new puppets by the end of the year.
Discovered document says that Nero was not fiddling but holding a beer conference while Rome burned.
24th Straight Week
Number song in Afghanistan is "Joining That Little Band Of Taliban In The Sky".
Something Funny Here
Taliban offering jobs to 10,000 Americans to learn to speak English. Ask that they apply only 200 at a time.
President Obama to speak one more time to Republicans on health care plan. But first, will hand out rose-colored glasses.
Factory Output Up!
Economy surges in February with the huge increase in the manufacturing of military drones.
Many Britons banned from fox hunting now hunting foxes at the local pubs.
Sarah's 7% Solution
Sarah Palin says she would agree to back any bill to outsource illegal immigrants if she were president.
Chinese say they are not hacking US CIA computers. "US has chip on its shoulder."
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