Order by:
Rating:

BB For Sutcliffe?

If Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe does get released, he could star in the next Celebrity Big Brother, it was claimed yesterday. "Channel 4 are looking to sex BB up", said BB fan Katie Thicko, 23.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

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Banish dowager's hump with Ninkerton's Effluvial Draught. Huxtable's
Scouring Salves
, specific for croup, love-sickness, creeping-palsy, bile and palfreyman's langour. Nabb's Linctus soon quiets a scolding wife.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Alone Among the Eskimos

Antiques, with Hugh Rowley-Macassar

Over the years, I have acquired quite a collection of Queen Anne furniture. I have long possessed graceful cabriole legs, along with spade- and three-toed drake feet. I can never get shoes that fit properly.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Boomers Controlling Bar

Crowd at the local bar finally drops "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" for the Boomer's beer favorite, "All We Are Saying, Is Give Piss A Chance!"

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Vote Conservative

Antiques, with Hugh Rowley-Macassar

Here is a 17th-century "Widow's Peak" Pargeter's Snood, almost prefectly-preserved. I have also acquired a rare Churl's Elbow-Brace (probably Tudor) and a nest of Queen Anne Vipers.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter

My dreams are awash with churning grey seas. A distant shore bristles with towers and spires. In a high chamber, a pale, pining maiden sits, her only companion an elderly canary.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

WPC WC Emergency

Narkerbury Police - whose ladies' staff toilet was blown up in a bizarre attack - have admitted that they are struggling to identify possible suspects. "We have nothing to go on", said spokesWPC Toyah Lette.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Trowel and Hoe

Okapi are best planted in a shady, sheltered corner. Plant few Hippos and restrict to damp soils. Black and white ruffed lemurs make decorative climbers. Thompsons Gazelle can provide a colourful border.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

My Favourite Soup

"My favourite soup has to be live trout and coconut", says popular TV Archaeologist Alice Slapper. "My Aunt Ruthie always used to serve it in black leather thigh-boots. She'd broken all her soup-plates!"

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Elephants "Can Sense Comets"

It may be impossible to prove whether the barber who shaves all and only those who don't shave themselves has actually shaved himself, according to a legal expert. "He may not exist at all, within the terms of his definition", said Mr Quimby Yoadman QC yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Lulu "is Duffy's Mother" Claims Procurator Fiscal

The Barber who shaves all and only those who do not shave themselves might be a fraud, it was claimed yesterday. "I've never seen him shave himself" said Hettie Lattice, an unemployed Lollipop Lady from Nitterford.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Mickey Rourke beds 14 Bimbos in one night, Ashley Cole 1 and a 1/2!

"Brit Soccer players are WOOZIES" claims hellraising actor Mickey Rourke after bedding 14 Bimbos in one night! Ashley Cole has admitted to a maximum of 1 and a 1/2 per night after Cheryl!

written by Jaggedone, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Republic of Fluoristan recieving Afghan refugees

"The first order of business is to get down to some serious tooth brushing for these war-torn people." Hamed Al-Flossr, Ministry spokesman said Tuesday.

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Lewis and Clark near finish of epic bid for Pacific Ocean

After more than 207 years, the overland expedition was reported replenishing supplies near downtown Portland,Oregon.

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Celtic re-enactors fall upon Canterbury in wholesale slaughter

"It were the mead what put their blood up," says escaping bystander. Local constabulary brings in siege catapults to restore order. Issues citations to miscreants.

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Windblown McDonald's wrapper sparks massive 600 car pile-up

M5 motorists are always a little touchy on the brakes.

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Island of Puerto Rico may be enriching uranium, needs attacking says U.S.

Whoops,they belong to us! "Our bad", say nation's military chiefs.

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Brings Back Bad Memories

Three Mile Island to change it's name to 4828 Meter Island as President Obama urges more nuclear plants to be built.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Iraq, Iran, Ireland obviously next target says military

"It really is a matter of going through the alphabet, our alphabet that is." says Chief of Staff Nelson Killafeller

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

We're Keeping An Eye Peeled

Arkansas officials say that "Rebel" there to be watched carefully after marrying outside his family!

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

U.S. Military accepting "write-in" countries to attack

Proposals may not be from existing military or family members, only one submission per household. Threat must be from second or third world only.

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Get It Over With!

The Food & Drug Administration has issued a new warning against anything and everything that tastes or makes you feel good.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Diet Tip: Eating a whole cow covers three of four food groups!

Depending on what it has eaten lately, of course.

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Wreck In Arkansas

Two turnip trucks collide on bridge over Pississippi River in Maggotty, Arkansas leaving four swimming for their lives from big catfish.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

"There's Nothing There John!"

John Bobbitt back to seeing psychiatrist after he began feeling ghost penis again.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Is That What You Did?

Time Machine show that people are lying their asses off bragging about the past.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Universe, Aretha Franklin Still Expanding

Report: Universe, Aretha Franklin still expanding although WalMart and Starbucks have quit trying to keep up.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

It'll Be Here Before You Know It

President Obama takes time off from endorsing new health care bill to campaign for re-election.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Lohan May Take Brief 2-Year Break

Lindsay Lohan takes a break in her busy schedule of activities and appearances to read "Finnegan's Wake" by James Joyce

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Needs More Replay Reviews?

Atlanta man finally able to get out of crouched position after spending day in September last year, watching seven-hour baseball game.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

The Kirstie Legacy

Many people dropping all the diet fads and counting calories again. Good for them, not so good for those employed with hundreds of diet clubs.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Pittsburg Steelers change name to Pittsburg Foreclosures

Name change reflects changing times.

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Yours For A Quarter #24

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "At Bertram's Whorehouse" by Agatha Christie.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Yours For A Quarter #23

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Adventure Of The Christmas Blood Pudding" by Agatha Christie.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Yours For A Quarter #22

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The ABC, You & Me, That's How Easy Murder Can Be" by Agatha Christie.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Seats Slump, Slide!

David Cameron loses his grip as poll shows lead in margarine seats slide. I'm sorry, that should be marginal seats slump.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Darling Risks Wrath Of Brown

Alistair Darling risks wrath of Gordon Brown by admitting the economy is on thin ice. Plus we're getting fatter every day.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Conspiracy Theorist Shot

'9/11 conspiracy theorist' gunned down by security guards in Pentagon shoot-out, adds to the belief of a 9/11 conspiracy.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Guess It Worked

Seven-Year-Olds, made to watch graphic sex cartoon at school, attack teacher immediately afterward!

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

That'll Shake Them Up!

Police forces to be equipped with mobile fingerprint scanners! "Drop your machine gun and grenades, or we'll fingerprint you!"

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

One Cool Cat!

Frosty the cat survives FOUR WEEKS in a chilled food warehouse... by eating frozen peas, Walt Disney's head.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Why We're Fat?

How a tumble bug up your arse can make you fat! I'm sorry, that should read; How a tubby bug in your tum could be making you fat.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

NOW They Arrest Me!!

Pilot with fake license arrested at airport after completing 20 years and was ready to retire.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

I Was Wrong

Baylor's Griner suspended 2 games for punch. Apologizes for pissing in it.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Both Way Above Normal

Airlines adding up losses from February storms, pilots liquor bills.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Enticing Tourists

Obama signs bill to entice foreign travelers to US. Makes prostitution, liquor, gambling in all states legal.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Docs Frustrated Over Prostrates

Cancer society casts more doubt on prostate tests. Doctor organization accuse them of trying to take all the fun out of doctoring.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Senators VS Vampires

Senators lift ban on gays donating blood, hoping to wipe out entire vampire communities.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Germs In Guts

Appetite may be partly linked to germs in the gut. So that's what all that rumbling and growling is about?"

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Better Than Beverly Hills Diet Of Toast and Liquor

Gene test claims to show what diet works best according to new "Gene Test Diet".

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Goes Around, Comes Around

Methane seen as growing climate risk. Flashback 2008: Lack of methane seen as growing climate risk.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

New Boss, Same As Old Boss!

WH considering military trials for 9/11 suspects. Dick Cheney: I wonder where they got that idea?

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Greece Appeals For Help From EU

Greek PM seeks EU debt pledge as protests grow. French leader Sarkozy says it's all Greek to him.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Everything Moving Along Smoothly

Iraqis begin to vote in Syria and other countries. Syrian soldiers fighting Iraq troops, US, register for elections back home in Syria.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Brown Admits Knowing About War

UK's Brown faces questions over Iraq war. Prosecutor: On July, 2006, did you turn on the TV and see we were at war in Iraq? Yes or No!"

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

"Fire In The Sky! Mama Freaking Out!"

It's official: An asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs. Cloned woolly mammoth tells whole story to signing gorilla who translates.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Methane Bubbles!

Methane bubbles in Arctic seas stir warming fears. Others blame whale farts.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

WH: Why High Unemployment?

Snow expected to cloud February employment report! July? Hey, everybody's celebrating! Too busy for finding jobs!

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

WH: Unemployment Figures False

Snow expected to cloud February employment report. June? Most people this is out-of-school month. They have to watch kids. Don't have time for looking for work.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

W.H. On Unemployment Figures.

Snow expected to cloud February employment report. May? May is too nice to bother standing in unemployment lines. Look for high unemployment figures.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

White House: Why High Unemployment

Snow expected to cloud February employment report, allergies will probably keep more people inside in March.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Reasons Unemployment High

Holiday shopping kept people from looking for work, so the employment report for late 2009 was too high.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Sky High Unemployment

Snow expected to cloud February employment report. "People couldn't get out to look for jobs in February.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

"I Was Wrong"

Chauffeur takes the rap in Naomi Campbell row, receives huge raise.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

We All Do It!

FACT CHECK: Obama approach at odds with past views. OBAMA: No one ever keeps those old campaign promises!

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Elderly Not Worth It?

Senate rejects $250 checks for elderly. "Think we're not worth that much, apparently", says AARP spokesman. "Wait until November."

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Leaked Documents

Leaked documents reveal GOP plan to use scare tactics to raise money, hiring Emilio Leatherface and his Family.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Kim Now 90% Crazy, Say Experts

Cruise travelers tell of deadly waves off Spain. Kim in North Korea now says his country has huge wave machine.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

How Is That Again?

Toyota: no evidence throttle fails in fixed cars...except for the exceptions, which prove the rule.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

More Excuses

Toyota: no evidence throttle fails in fixed cars. Now say that special "Overdrive" meant for cars to suddenly gain speed on their own.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Military Trials?

WH considering military trials for 9/11 suspects. But may have to think about it for a few more years.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Sunnis in Iraq

Why do Sunnis in Iraq worship Allah you would think they would worship the Sun

written by SPECTRUM, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Feds Ban All Vampire Movies Citing 'Extreme Crap' Law

A little known federal law banning really crappy films from being watched is finally being enforced by the federal government. "Too little, too late" says one husband.

written by Mark Garrison, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Large group of penguins put gun to iceberg's head, force it to head North!

Although cute, when their button's are pushed, there is no telling what the little guys could do.

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Greece, Spain, spar during U.N. session "who's the most broke?"

Turns out Spain wins because they even spent the British second home-owner's money!

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Northern mammoths thaw out, resume attack on Siberian villagers

With their incredible memory,the mammoths haven't forgot that the tribespeople were attacking them when the big freeze hit thousands of years ago!

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

The Spoof.com buys out Facebook, creates FaceSpoof.

Mostly its just people photoshopping Bill or Hillary's head onto their own body.

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Voting Error Accidentally Eliminates All American Idol Contestants, No One Complains

In the first voting error in American Idol history, somehow all present contestants were eliminated. However, as of the time of publication, not one person has complained.

written by Mark Garrison, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Americans average 3 guns per person, including babies!

Who in their right mind would let their baby shoot a gun? They need to crawl first!

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Mammoth sized droppings thawing in Siberia, wheewww!

Clothespins have been distributed for villager's noses to ward off super sized stink.

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Feds Recall All Vehicles Due to Idiot Driver Risk

The federal government announced it is recalling all vehicles currently on the road due to the risk that they are being operated by idiots.

written by Mark Garrison, 05 March 2010
Rating:

U.S. Census discovers 65% of americans "mostly couch potatoes"

Most would rather take "T.V. based census."

written by Wumf, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Balloon Pops in Baghdad, 82 Die From Heart Attack

82 people died from heart attacks when a balloon accidentally popped at a child's birthday party in Baghdad. Police arrested the boy and charged him with 'failure to maintain an inflatable object.'

written by Mark Garrison, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Everything More Expensive

Price jump in Mafia protection blamed on high price of lead, concrete!

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Get Rid Of Red States

Obama: Lower U.S. Dollar will bring in more tourists seeking lower-priced clothing, art, gas, land!

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Can Do Without Those

The United Nations considering banning of cluster bombs, headaches.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Einstein Just Like Rest Of Us There

New book shows that Einstein was right on almost all his theories but that he never could figure out women, just appreciate the figures.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Suicide Bombers Get Special Treatment

"Special Place In Hell" says it can take no more suicide bombers but will keep them on reserve until addition added.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Another Shroud Of Turin

Nigerian sells 140th Shroud of Turin on e-Bay! Wins Con Man of the Year, the highest honor in the country.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Sacred Journey

Several trampled to death in Saudi Arabia after huge crowd arrives to witness toast with face image on it.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

2012 Races Shaping Up

As soon as some kind of health care bill passes. Obama will ask for repeal of "native-born" limits on becoming President. Schwarzenegger will help!

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Still A Lot Of Lip Service!

Although whatever happens in Las Vegas STAYS in Las Vegas, there's still a lot of lip service going on.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Like Old Times

The Hatfields hurling rocks once again at fully tanked McCoys!

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Kids Having Fun

Kids in air control tower land three different airplanes in the Hudson River!

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Patients Always Got Marijuana

Doctor accused of prescribing medical marijuana to all his patients claims that it helps them to relax and allow the medicine to do it's job.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

New Hockey Rules

New kick-boxing rule may help increase the number of television viewers during next season's NHL action.

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Nancy Pelosi Pushes Ecology Bill

She seeks funding to restore "the swamp" in Washington.

written by Adam Click, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Keep Subo fanatics out of White House

If you don't want the world to end, keep Subo fanatics OUT of the White House. They are so drawn to the colour RED it that they will, if allowed in the White House,pounce 'en masse' on THE RED BUTTON.

written by Lady Godiva, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Yours For A Mere Quarter #21

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Dreadful Lemon Pie"

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Yours For Only A Quarter #20

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Lady In The Cake".

written by Bureau, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter

What if we were to build a full scale model of the Cosmos? How on Earth would we do it? Where would we begin? Where would we end?

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Eat More Eggs

Jessel's Pulmonic Wafers are the most efficacious against gout, lunatic fancies & embonpoint. Spigot's Galvanic Belt, without acids or unpleasant sensation, will banish lassitudes. Gubb's Liquid Hair Solvent "Hope for the Bald".

written by Erskin Quint, 05 March 2010
Rating:

Heffner dead for 4 years

Hugh Heffner died 4 years ago.The amazing special effects crew who worked on 'Weekend At Bernies', admitted today that they've been responsible for keeping Heffner in the public eye. What a laugh eh?

written by Lady Godiva, 05 March 2010
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