Spoof news snippets from Friday 5 March 2010
BB For Sutcliffe?
If Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe does get released, he could star in the next Celebrity Big Brother, it was claimed yesterday. "Channel 4 are looking to sex BB up", said BB fan Katie Thicko, 23.
Banish dowager's hump with Ninkerton's Effluvial Draught. Huxtable's
Scouring Salves, specific for croup, love-sickness, creeping-palsy, bile and palfreyman's langour. Nabb's Linctus soon quiets a scolding wife.
Alone Among the Eskimos
Antiques, with Hugh Rowley-Macassar
Over the years, I have acquired quite a collection of Queen Anne furniture. I have long possessed graceful cabriole legs, along with spade- and three-toed drake feet. I can never get shoes that fit properly.
Boomers Controlling Bar
Crowd at the local bar finally drops "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" for the Boomer's beer favorite, "All We Are Saying, Is Give Piss A Chance!"
Antiques, with Hugh Rowley-Macassar
Here is a 17th-century "Widow's Peak" Pargeter's Snood, almost prefectly-preserved. I have also acquired a rare Churl's Elbow-Brace (probably Tudor) and a nest of Queen Anne Vipers.
with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
My dreams are awash with churning grey seas. A distant shore bristles with towers and spires. In a high chamber, a pale, pining maiden sits, her only companion an elderly canary.
WPC WC Emergency
Narkerbury Police - whose ladies' staff toilet was blown up in a bizarre attack - have admitted that they are struggling to identify possible suspects. "We have nothing to go on", said spokesWPC Toyah Lette.
Trowel and Hoe
Okapi are best planted in a shady, sheltered corner. Plant few Hippos and restrict to damp soils. Black and white ruffed lemurs make decorative climbers. Thompsons Gazelle can provide a colourful border.
My Favourite Soup
"My favourite soup has to be live trout and coconut", says popular TV Archaeologist Alice Slapper. "My Aunt Ruthie always used to serve it in black leather thigh-boots. She'd broken all her soup-plates!"
Elephants "Can Sense Comets"
It may be impossible to prove whether the barber who shaves all and only those who don't shave themselves has actually shaved himself, according to a legal expert. "He may not exist at all, within the terms of his definition", said Mr Quimby Yoadman QC yesterday.
Lulu "is Duffy's Mother" Claims Procurator Fiscal
The Barber who shaves all and only those who do not shave themselves might be a fraud, it was claimed yesterday. "I've never seen him shave himself" said Hettie Lattice, an unemployed Lollipop Lady from Nitterford.
Mickey Rourke beds 14 Bimbos in one night, Ashley Cole 1 and a 1/2!
"Brit Soccer players are WOOZIES" claims hellraising actor Mickey Rourke after bedding 14 Bimbos in one night! Ashley Cole has admitted to a maximum of 1 and a 1/2 per night after Cheryl!
Republic of Fluoristan recieving Afghan refugees
"The first order of business is to get down to some serious tooth brushing for these war-torn people." Hamed Al-Flossr, Ministry spokesman said Tuesday.
Lewis and Clark near finish of epic bid for Pacific Ocean
After more than 207 years, the overland expedition was reported replenishing supplies near downtown Portland,Oregon.
Celtic re-enactors fall upon Canterbury in wholesale slaughter
"It were the mead what put their blood up," says escaping bystander. Local constabulary brings in siege catapults to restore order. Issues citations to miscreants.
Windblown McDonald's wrapper sparks massive 600 car pile-up
M5 motorists are always a little touchy on the brakes.
Island of Puerto Rico may be enriching uranium, needs attacking says U.S.
Whoops,they belong to us! "Our bad", say nation's military chiefs.
Brings Back Bad Memories
Three Mile Island to change it's name to 4828 Meter Island as President Obama urges more nuclear plants to be built.
Iraq, Iran, Ireland obviously next target says military
"It really is a matter of going through the alphabet, our alphabet that is." says Chief of Staff Nelson Killafeller
We're Keeping An Eye Peeled
Arkansas officials say that "Rebel" there to be watched carefully after marrying outside his family!
U.S. Military accepting "write-in" countries to attack
Proposals may not be from existing military or family members, only one submission per household. Threat must be from second or third world only.
Get It Over With!
The Food & Drug Administration has issued a new warning against anything and everything that tastes or makes you feel good.
Diet Tip: Eating a whole cow covers three of four food groups!
Depending on what it has eaten lately, of course.
Wreck In Arkansas
Two turnip trucks collide on bridge over Pississippi River in Maggotty, Arkansas leaving four swimming for their lives from big catfish.
"There's Nothing There John!"
John Bobbitt back to seeing psychiatrist after he began feeling ghost penis again.
Is That What You Did?
Time Machine show that people are lying their asses off bragging about the past.
Universe, Aretha Franklin Still Expanding
Report: Universe, Aretha Franklin still expanding although WalMart and Starbucks have quit trying to keep up.
It'll Be Here Before You Know It
President Obama takes time off from endorsing new health care bill to campaign for re-election.
Lohan May Take Brief 2-Year Break
Lindsay Lohan takes a break in her busy schedule of activities and appearances to read "Finnegan's Wake" by James Joyce
Needs More Replay Reviews?
Atlanta man finally able to get out of crouched position after spending day in September last year, watching seven-hour baseball game.
The Kirstie Legacy
Many people dropping all the diet fads and counting calories again. Good for them, not so good for those employed with hundreds of diet clubs.
Pittsburg Steelers change name to Pittsburg Foreclosures
Name change reflects changing times.
Yours For A Quarter #24
The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "At Bertram's Whorehouse" by Agatha Christie.
Yours For A Quarter #23
The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Adventure Of The Christmas Blood Pudding" by Agatha Christie.
Yours For A Quarter #22
The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The ABC, You & Me, That's How Easy Murder Can Be" by Agatha Christie.
Seats Slump, Slide!
David Cameron loses his grip as poll shows lead in margarine seats slide. I'm sorry, that should be marginal seats slump.
Darling Risks Wrath Of Brown
Alistair Darling risks wrath of Gordon Brown by admitting the economy is on thin ice. Plus we're getting fatter every day.
Conspiracy Theorist Shot
'9/11 conspiracy theorist' gunned down by security guards in Pentagon shoot-out, adds to the belief of a 9/11 conspiracy.
Guess It Worked
Seven-Year-Olds, made to watch graphic sex cartoon at school, attack teacher immediately afterward!
That'll Shake Them Up!
Police forces to be equipped with mobile fingerprint scanners! "Drop your machine gun and grenades, or we'll fingerprint you!"
One Cool Cat!
Frosty the cat survives FOUR WEEKS in a chilled food warehouse... by eating frozen peas, Walt Disney's head.
Why We're Fat?
How a tumble bug up your arse can make you fat! I'm sorry, that should read; How a tubby bug in your tum could be making you fat.
NOW They Arrest Me!!
Pilot with fake license arrested at airport after completing 20 years and was ready to retire.
I Was Wrong
Baylor's Griner suspended 2 games for punch. Apologizes for pissing in it.
Both Way Above Normal
Airlines adding up losses from February storms, pilots liquor bills.
Obama signs bill to entice foreign travelers to US. Makes prostitution, liquor, gambling in all states legal.
Docs Frustrated Over Prostrates
Cancer society casts more doubt on prostate tests. Doctor organization accuse them of trying to take all the fun out of doctoring.
Senators VS Vampires
Senators lift ban on gays donating blood, hoping to wipe out entire vampire communities.
Germs In Guts
Appetite may be partly linked to germs in the gut. So that's what all that rumbling and growling is about?"
Better Than Beverly Hills Diet Of Toast and Liquor
Gene test claims to show what diet works best according to new "Gene Test Diet".
Goes Around, Comes Around
Methane seen as growing climate risk. Flashback 2008: Lack of methane seen as growing climate risk.
New Boss, Same As Old Boss!
WH considering military trials for 9/11 suspects. Dick Cheney: I wonder where they got that idea?
Greece Appeals For Help From EU
Greek PM seeks EU debt pledge as protests grow. French leader Sarkozy says it's all Greek to him.
Everything Moving Along Smoothly
Iraqis begin to vote in Syria and other countries. Syrian soldiers fighting Iraq troops, US, register for elections back home in Syria.
Brown Admits Knowing About War
UK's Brown faces questions over Iraq war. Prosecutor: On July, 2006, did you turn on the TV and see we were at war in Iraq? Yes or No!"
"Fire In The Sky! Mama Freaking Out!"
It's official: An asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs. Cloned woolly mammoth tells whole story to signing gorilla who translates.
Methane bubbles in Arctic seas stir warming fears. Others blame whale farts.
WH: Why High Unemployment?
Snow expected to cloud February employment report! July? Hey, everybody's celebrating! Too busy for finding jobs!
WH: Unemployment Figures False
Snow expected to cloud February employment report. June? Most people this is out-of-school month. They have to watch kids. Don't have time for looking for work.
W.H. On Unemployment Figures.
Snow expected to cloud February employment report. May? May is too nice to bother standing in unemployment lines. Look for high unemployment figures.
White House: Why High Unemployment
Snow expected to cloud February employment report, allergies will probably keep more people inside in March.
Reasons Unemployment High
Holiday shopping kept people from looking for work, so the employment report for late 2009 was too high.
Sky High Unemployment
Snow expected to cloud February employment report. "People couldn't get out to look for jobs in February.
"I Was Wrong"
Chauffeur takes the rap in Naomi Campbell row, receives huge raise.
We All Do It!
FACT CHECK: Obama approach at odds with past views. OBAMA: No one ever keeps those old campaign promises!
Elderly Not Worth It?
Senate rejects $250 checks for elderly. "Think we're not worth that much, apparently", says AARP spokesman. "Wait until November."
Leaked documents reveal GOP plan to use scare tactics to raise money, hiring Emilio Leatherface and his Family.
Kim Now 90% Crazy, Say Experts
Cruise travelers tell of deadly waves off Spain. Kim in North Korea now says his country has huge wave machine.
How Is That Again?
Toyota: no evidence throttle fails in fixed cars...except for the exceptions, which prove the rule.
Toyota: no evidence throttle fails in fixed cars. Now say that special "Overdrive" meant for cars to suddenly gain speed on their own.
WH considering military trials for 9/11 suspects. But may have to think about it for a few more years.
Sunnis in Iraq
Why do Sunnis in Iraq worship Allah you would think they would worship the Sun
Feds Ban All Vampire Movies Citing 'Extreme Crap' Law
A little known federal law banning really crappy films from being watched is finally being enforced by the federal government. "Too little, too late" says one husband.
Large group of penguins put gun to iceberg's head, force it to head North!
Although cute, when their button's are pushed, there is no telling what the little guys could do.
Greece, Spain, spar during U.N. session "who's the most broke?"
Turns out Spain wins because they even spent the British second home-owner's money!
Northern mammoths thaw out, resume attack on Siberian villagers
With their incredible memory,the mammoths haven't forgot that the tribespeople were attacking them when the big freeze hit thousands of years ago!
The Spoof.com buys out Facebook, creates FaceSpoof.
Mostly its just people photoshopping Bill or Hillary's head onto their own body.
Voting Error Accidentally Eliminates All American Idol Contestants, No One Complains
In the first voting error in American Idol history, somehow all present contestants were eliminated. However, as of the time of publication, not one person has complained.
Americans average 3 guns per person, including babies!
Who in their right mind would let their baby shoot a gun? They need to crawl first!
Mammoth sized droppings thawing in Siberia, wheewww!
Clothespins have been distributed for villager's noses to ward off super sized stink.
Feds Recall All Vehicles Due to Idiot Driver Risk
The federal government announced it is recalling all vehicles currently on the road due to the risk that they are being operated by idiots.
U.S. Census discovers 65% of americans "mostly couch potatoes"
Most would rather take "T.V. based census."
Balloon Pops in Baghdad, 82 Die From Heart Attack
82 people died from heart attacks when a balloon accidentally popped at a child's birthday party in Baghdad. Police arrested the boy and charged him with 'failure to maintain an inflatable object.'
Everything More Expensive
Price jump in Mafia protection blamed on high price of lead, concrete!
Get Rid Of Red States
Obama: Lower U.S. Dollar will bring in more tourists seeking lower-priced clothing, art, gas, land!
Can Do Without Those
The United Nations considering banning of cluster bombs, headaches.
Einstein Just Like Rest Of Us There
New book shows that Einstein was right on almost all his theories but that he never could figure out women, just appreciate the figures.
Suicide Bombers Get Special Treatment
"Special Place In Hell" says it can take no more suicide bombers but will keep them on reserve until addition added.
Another Shroud Of Turin
Nigerian sells 140th Shroud of Turin on e-Bay! Wins Con Man of the Year, the highest honor in the country.
Several trampled to death in Saudi Arabia after huge crowd arrives to witness toast with face image on it.
2012 Races Shaping Up
As soon as some kind of health care bill passes. Obama will ask for repeal of "native-born" limits on becoming President. Schwarzenegger will help!
Still A Lot Of Lip Service!
Although whatever happens in Las Vegas STAYS in Las Vegas, there's still a lot of lip service going on.
Like Old Times
The Hatfields hurling rocks once again at fully tanked McCoys!
Kids Having Fun
Kids in air control tower land three different airplanes in the Hudson River!
Patients Always Got Marijuana
Doctor accused of prescribing medical marijuana to all his patients claims that it helps them to relax and allow the medicine to do it's job.
New Hockey Rules
New kick-boxing rule may help increase the number of television viewers during next season's NHL action.
Nancy Pelosi Pushes Ecology Bill
She seeks funding to restore "the swamp" in Washington.
Keep Subo fanatics out of White House
If you don't want the world to end, keep Subo fanatics OUT of the White House. They are so drawn to the colour RED it that they will, if allowed in the White House,pounce 'en masse' on THE RED BUTTON.
Yours For A Mere Quarter #21
The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Dreadful Lemon Pie"
Yours For Only A Quarter #20
The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Lady In The Cake".
with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
What if we were to build a full scale model of the Cosmos? How on Earth would we do it? Where would we begin? Where would we end?
Eat More Eggs
Jessel's Pulmonic Wafers are the most efficacious against gout, lunatic fancies & embonpoint. Spigot's Galvanic Belt, without acids or unpleasant sensation, will banish lassitudes. Gubb's Liquid Hair Solvent "Hope for the Bald".
Heffner dead for 4 years
Hugh Heffner died 4 years ago.The amazing special effects crew who worked on 'Weekend At Bernies', admitted today that they've been responsible for keeping Heffner in the public eye. What a laugh eh?
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