Spoof news snippets from Saturday 27 March 2010
Chelsea v Aston Villa - Final Score
We'll bring it to you as soon as we've counted all the goals.
Late freak March snowstorm surprises many living in Key West.
Still Greenish Brown
Six years after surprise police raid, neither police labs or scientists can identify thing found in back of college dorm refrigerator.
Ate Themselves Into Oblivion!
New study reveals obesity worse threat to the earth than global warming because weight throwing earth's rotation to slow.
Occam's razor - sort of
Scientists discover hallucinogenic substances in defunct Llanishen reservoir; said Chief Welsh Assembly scientist: "Explains it that does."
Barking but 'not as we know it Jim'
Psychologist concludes that those who want 1.5 million tons of water above hundreds of houses and two schools are either delusional or barking, or delusional and barking.
Nominated For PETA Award!
State police have charged a central Pennsylvania man with public drunkenness after he was seen giving mouth-to-mouth "resuscitation" to a long-dead opossum along a highway.
Man showing up in Time Machine has no legs. "I almost missed it's leaving entirely."
Mideast News Encouraging
Middle East situation: Both sides say they are ready to destroy the whole world to do enemies in. That's 25% better news than last time.
No One At The Dance
In Baghdad, proposed square dance party between Shias, Sunni doesn't come off.
New Orleans Decides To Advertise #9
New Orleans new Fat City ads include: "Guaranteed jowls down to your shoulders!"
New Orleans Decides To Advertise #8
New Orleans new Fat City ads include: "Already Obese and cooking in even more grease!"
New Orleans Decides To Advertise #7
New Orleans new Fat City ads include: "More chins than China telephone directory."
New Orleans Decides To Advertise #6
New Orleans new Fat City ads include: "We serve only pot-bellied pigs at our roasts!"
New Orleans Decides To Advertise #5
New Orleans new Fat City ads include: "We're Raunchy and We're Paunchy!"
New Orleans Decided To Advertise #4
New Orleans new Fat City ads include: "Fats Domino? He's mid-size here!"
New Orleans Decides To Advertise #3
New Orleans new Fat City ads include: "Fat costs less but tastes the best!"
New Orleans Decides To Advertise #2
New Orleans new Fat City ads include: Chubby Checker? The slimmest person here"
New Orleans Decides To Advertise
New Orleans new Fat City ads include: "We're located right on the Blubbery Coast!"
Shatner Loses Little Friend
William Shatner's hairpiece, a tribble named Lo-Kan, dyes during the night.
Craig In Stall
Former Senator Larry Craig discovered in Men's bathroom, pissing outside the toilet bowl (slow news day).
Thieves annoyed as no one wants to buy a secret sex tape taken of Rosie O'Donnell & partner except as a gag gift.
'You can Piranha if u want to'
Llanishen reservoir group furious at the person or persons unknown who put deadly fresh water piranha into the defunct reservoir.
Obama was quoted today, as saying, "I'm sick of healthcare,"
Welsh scientits discover doughnut shaped mind enema
over Llanishen reservoir - makes people want to live below 1.5 million tons of water that even das Welsh Water Board doesn't want.
Smart phones won't work on principle
near Llanishen reservoir in the Welsh capital
'Some fathers do 'ave 'em'
Even sex-starved prisoners find she's a turn-off
Prison governor denies threatening inmates with '24 hours with Peaches Geldorf'.
DEA wants to hire "Peaches"
'She looks so bad - will put young Americans off drugs for life.' Peaches management denies rumours that she will be targetted by drug barons if she takes up DEA offer.
World's worst dressed man complains
about Peaches NGee (nudy-Geldorf) - just horrible, "Even when the middle of her face is covered in white powder".
Peaches Geldorf - lacking on various fronts
Poll: 'Lacks everything including style'.
Peaches Geldorf - 'lacks icing'
Scan confirms a brain the size of a peach and consistency of spotted dick pudding, the IQ of a chair leg, and the frothiness of Dutch lager.
"Let Me Start By Saying...."
Spoof forum writer gives ten page answer to someone asking about the Fifth Dimension when all they wanted to know is who sang, "The Age Of Aquarius"?
"Imagine a world without" idiots ... "Not hard to do if we try"
That would be a world devoid of Welsh Labour ministers like Lesley Griffiths who doesn't have a clue about improving Welsh biotech exports.
Welsh Assembly member talks nonsense
Bush Book Coming Out!
Former President George W. Bush says that he is ready to release a book of his White house Menwars.
Whistle Blower Blows Whistle
Referee whistle blower claims that some football games are fixed to stay close.
The Obese Police #5
The new singing group, The Obese police has a song in the top 100 for the first time: "It Was A Very Goodyear (For Blimps)"
The Obese Police #4
The new singing group, The Obese police has a song in the top 100 for the first time: "You've Lost That Bovine Feeling"
The Obese Police #3
The new singing group, The Obese police has a song in the top 100 for the first time: "Lovely Cass, WalMart Ass"
The Obese Police #2
The new singing group, The Obese police has a song in the top 100 for the first time: "Chunky's In Love"
The Obese Police
The new singing group, The Obese police has a song in the top 100 for the first time: My Nelly's Little Beer Belly.
For Their Own Sake!
Kentucky Fried Chicks decides to offer healthier meals so that regular customers won't keep dropping like flies with heart attacks.
Bad Timing On His Part
Guy who suddenly appeared in Buzzard Puke, Arkansas in strange machine and announced that he was a time traveler, shot to death. Devil machine blown up by dynamite!
That's Inflation For You
ten 50,000-Year-Old beads made from shells found in South African cave now worth an estimated 10,000 beads, enough to purchase 400 Manhattan Islands today.
I went to our local video shop and I asked, "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."
It's the Best
I bumped into an old friend the other day who told me he had just gotten the newest, state of the art, hearing aid on the market.
I said, "What kind is it."
He looked at his watch and said, "9:30."
I phoned the local dance studio and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make it Tuesdays or Thursdays."
A cowboy one...
A cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
Melbourne F1 GP Latest
Like watching a conga.
Now We'll Never Know
Local chicken decides to finally tell people why they cross the road but is struck and killed by runaway Toyota while trying to cross country road.
History Channel Receives Award
The History Channel Presents its Lifetime Achievement Award for Adolf Hitler character being on their network in more shows than 'Matt Dillon' and 'Frazier' combined.
The US dollar is even lower against the euro. Obama passes bill with republican & democrat support to but more magical masonic symbols on money.
I Cried Because....
Bare-footed man says no one ever allows him to explain that he is not crying because he has no shoes but that he keeps stepping in dog shit. Curses dog owners in the area!
Officers Get Instructions
Police force blasted for 22-page guide telling officers 'how to use punctuation and send emails, how to hold in fart while in people's private homes.'
Obama Hails Nuclear Cuts
U.S. and Russia will slash nuclear arsenals after agreeing first major arms treaty since end of Cold War. Russia: We've already sent ours to Iran.
Have you won £39.7m? Hunt is on for the British winner of EuroMillions jackpot? Skoob, is that you, old buddy, old pal?
Too Much On My Mind, I Guess
Brown promises yob crackdown and a million skilled jobs as he unveils five key election pledges he had apparently forgotten after last election.
Woman who lied on CV that she had A-Levels to get NHS job is nailed. I'm sorry. That should be 'jailed'.
Bars Keep Out Politicians, Sales People
Man gets 15 years for prison break-in. Asks jury to reconsider and give him life.
AP Exclusive: 'Smart' meters, meter readers have security holes.
Unbiased Reporting, Unlike FOX!
Sarah Palin lends her star power to McCain in Senate bid and we at Yahoo think that stinks.
Brown's Wife in Door Drama
Prime Minister's wife Sarah Brown got stuck in a doorway at a supermarket opening this morning after she forgot to turn sideways when leaving the shop.
Yahoo: Republicans The Pits
"Romney attacks health care law similar to his own" as Yahoo Pro-Obama propaganda continues.
Brown's Flaps Removed
Gordon Brown underwent emergency surgery to remove his jowels this morning after they almost suffocated him in the night.
Will Reduce To Only Ten Times Enough To Destroy The World
Former Cold War foes US, Russia to slash nukes as many are out-dated already.
Labour Dumps 'Things Can Only Get Better'
The Labour Party has chosen 'Where Will It End' by Joy Division as its campaign song in the forthcoming UK elections.
Taxi Driver Accused
Chicago taxi driver accused of supporting al-Qaida. Admits that he hoped they would overthrow Taliban for control as he had $10 on them.
Russia Attacks Iran With Wet Noodle!
Medvedev: Iran sanctions may be needed. Russia may cut off oil to punish the rascals.
It's All There For Free!
From rotting garbage to alcoholics shitting their pants to sweet-roasting peanuts at sidewalk stands, New Yorkers are constantly bombarded with the aromas of urban life.
Like Christmas For Crooks
Landmarks go dark, millions unplug for Earth Hour. Burglars, thieves make quite a haul.
Clues emerge about WWII plane crashed in Oregon. For instance, the co-pilot was an alien.
You WILL Pay!
Student loans should be simpler under new law. Also the repayment after Obama turns that part over to Chicago friends.
Global Warming #34
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Ted Williams's head clearly heard calling for some chatter in the infield!
Global Warming #33
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Half of Hollywood's women now have different sized boobs.
Global Warming #32
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: "Let's get this meeting over. Smells like somebody frying baloney in here! Hey, it's my balls! Everybody stand up, quick!"
Global Warming #31
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Joan Rivers now looks more like a lake.
Global Warming #30
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Cher starting to look like the Wicked Witch after the water was thrown on her.
Global Warming #29
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: "Those fries are free if you want some. They cooked themselves when the sun came through the window."
Global Warming #28
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Guy thrown from cycle to pavement totally cooked by the time ambulance arrives.
Getting Voters Informed
Remember to register to vote this November as many from the Tea Party and the Beer Conference Party line up their candidates.
Reid Looks Confused At Tea Party
Showdown in Searchlight: tea party targets Reid. Hatter delivers direct attack. Dormouse looks hungry.
Ian Huntley Wants Paedophile Priests Jailed
Says he could use the company.
The Odd Couple
It's McCain and Palin -- together again!
Kelly Brook - puts the "pea" and "eye" in
Old Letter Discovered!
Old yellowed letter discovered from Moe Howard's mother saying, "Sure it's all fun and games until somebody gets an eye poked out!"
In Last 5 Years
President Obama celebrates 10,000th utterance of "America's health care system is in shambles!"
New Motel Sign #9
New sign at the just refurbished "No Tell Motel" in Happy Valley, Arkansas: Our beds not only vibrate, they moan, groan and sigh!
New Motel Sign #8
New sign at the just refurbished "No Tell Motel" in Happy Valley, Arkansas: Now THREE spittoons in every room!
New Motel Sign #7
New sign at the just refurbished "No Tell Motel" in Happy Valley, Arkansas: We'll leave the light OFF for you and your car license plate.
New Motel Sign #6
New sign at the just refurbished "No Tell Motel" in Happy Valley, Arkansas: Turn in your bed bugs for prizes displayed in the lounge.
New Motel Sign #5
New sign at the just refurbished "No Tell Motel" in Happy Valley, Arkansas: Be sure to enjoy our FREE CONTINENTAL congress painting!
New Motel Sign #4
New sign at the just refurbished "No Tell Motel" in Happy Valley, Arkansas: Now 50% cleaner than you'd think!
New Motel Sign #3
New sign at the just refurbished "No Tell Motel" in Happy Valley, Arkansas: "There may be snow on the Red Roof...."
New Motel Sign #2
New sign at the just refurbished "No Tell Motel" in Happy Valley, Arkansas: Please ignore holes in the sheets!
New Motel Sign
New sign at the just refurbished "No Tell Motel" in Happy Valley, Arkansas: Rooms For Rent: $35 per night, $10 Per hour.
Republicans and Democrats Agree on a Standardized Short Form
"The proposed government program (Name of Program) provides (Services Performed) and costs (Dollar Value) is absolutely (Predicted Outcome)!" Political position on an issue, just fill in the blanks.
Health Care Savings during the Recess
Constipated Congressional Democrats who voted yes on health care reform are going home to take laxatives. It's probably unnecessary, as their constituents will be giving them the "shits!"
Tea Bags Beat Coffee
A west coast Democratic far left liberal loon was caught trying to shove a box of tea bags up his arse! Police say he needed a lemon lift, but an Espresso coffee can was stuck in the orifice.
House Speaker Pelosi takes up Opera Singing!
Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me…………………………!
Democrats Have an Identity Crisis
Following the passage of the health care reform bill Democrats have developed a name recognition problem. They all seem to have the same middle name of "Not Reelectable!"
Anonymous White House Source
An anonymous White House source said "the minority party of Republicans is smarter than the ignorant majority party of left wing Democrats and should be ruling the country!"
Hollywood Movie is about President Obama
The film "Barak Obama Super Star" will hit the big screen this month. Using special effects, the Democratic liberal left film makers have President Obama parting the Red Sea and walking on water!
EPA Declares Bullshit a Harmful Gas
The EPA can now regulate Bullshit in accordance with the Clean Air Act of 1970. "Environmental groups are the chief cause of spewing this harmful substance into the air," says the EPA.
Congressman Stupak is a Man of Principal
Congressman Stupak of Michigan has sacrificed his principles on abortion to House Speaker Pelosi and President Obama for principal FAA grants/funds!
A Shocking Piece of Legislation
Democrats indicate there is no need for an energy bill! The recently passed Democratic far left liberal health care bill will also put power back into the electric lines.
Join the club
French-Irish golfer Jean Luc O'Zade tried to pull a fast one today when he kicked his golf-ball into Hole 18. He claimed the move acceptable, since he used his clubbed foot.
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