Spoof news snippets from Friday 26 March 2010
Man Arrested for Biting Satire
Joe Satire had bites about his head and neck but could not identify his attacker.
Exuberant Lewis Hamilton does a wheel-spin
Well, he's on the other side of the world far away from Llanishen Madness (as in "March Madness").
Shares Al-Qaeda's view on storing 1.5 million tons of water above two schools, numerous businesses and a hundred Welsh homes.
Al-Qaeda files second amicus brief in support
of the jerks who want to keep 1.5 million tons of water at 49 yards elevation above two schools and a hundred or more homes.
around Llanishen Reservoir - aliens marvel at the sheer stupidity of keeping 1.5 million tons of water above two schools and hundreds of homes.
Writer for the group Styx finally admits that his song, "Babe" was about the pig in the movie.
Stevie Gerrard asks Super Rooney for some sound "Scouse" advice!
Stevie Gerrard has admitted to being a FLOP and has asked fellow Scouser, Wayne Rooney for some sound advice, here it is: "Fuck Liverpool and leave!" Thanks Wayne, at last the TRUTH!
NK threatens nuke war on SK and the USA
Nothing to report other than a sinking of a 1,300 ton South Korean navy corvette, the Cheonan on March 27, 2010 with about 40 SK sailors feared lost.
Sorry about that....
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I didn't see any.
A Fish Story
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
My marriage is like a fairytale......Grimm
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank , proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Getting So We Dread The Next One!
Vice President Biden says that President Obama was able to do in one year what it took eight years for President Bush to do, in continually destroying America!
Obama Reminds Americans
President Obama reminds American taxpayers, "Remember it'll get a whole lot worse before it gets even more worse still."
Diagram Prize #10
A book charting the frontier between the human brain and Lisa Marie Presley on Friday won Britain's quirkiest literary award, the Diagram Prize for year's oddest book title.
Spam business celebrates fifteenth year of sending out Bigger Penis ads.
Extended Until Next Presidential Election
President Obama is trying to extend jobless benefits for another three years. Tells unemployed to "look busy".
Insider at White House claims that Obama's youngest daughter interupted Barack & Michelle in oval office, playing Bill & Monica.
US paranoid "Preppers" know Armageddon is coming, so they've decided to make a buck or 2 before it hits!
US "Preppers" have opened up a new Supermarket chain called "Basementmart" they know Armaggedon is coming so why not make a buck or 2 while we're waiting!
New Obama Speech
President Obama states that all those to be hit with higher taxes will be in his speech Monday night, on Pay For View!
WallyMart: If there's a nuclear attack, the Target stores will be hit first, stands to reason.
Get 'Em While They're Hot
American Mathematics Magazine releases its annual list of top ten prime numbers! Only a few copies left.
Global Warming #27
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Prince Charles earlobes now eight inches long.
Global Warming #26
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Robins pulling worms out of the ground scorching their peckers.
Global Warming #25
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Taxi drivers in New York City hidding blocks of ice under turbans.
Asteroid Hits Earth
Earth caught completely off guard as huge asteroid hits during the night.....is there anybody else out there?
Man Bricked To Death
London teen explains to police officers that his stepfather had been teasing him mercilessly & that finding the brick in his Holiday Stocking last December had pushed him over the edge!
Global Warming #27
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Everybody at the Betty Ford Clinic high as a kite on frozen Margaritas.
Global Warming #26
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Ronald McDonald shows kids how to fry an egg on top of his head.
Global Warming #25
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton switching from pantsuits to hot pants.
Jung Is Upset
North Korea threatens 'nuclear strikes' on South Korea, the United States and Wiley Coyote.
Diagram Prize #9
A book charting the frontier between Mother Teresa and a turd-eating dog in Pubescratch, Arkansas on Friday won Britain's quirkiest literary award, the Diagram Prize for year's oddest book title.
Diagram Prize #8
A book charting the frontier between the Prime Minister elbow and his asshole on Friday won Britain's quirkiest literary award, the Diagram Prize for year's oddest book title.
Diagram Prize #7
A book charting the frontier between cucumber sandwiches and Adolf Hitler on Friday won Britain's quirkiest literary award, the Diagram Prize for year's oddest book title.
No one knows y
anyone would want to live directly below 1.5 million tons of water held back by a vulnerable earth dam. Heavy rain and an earth movement and "Bob's your Uncle": À la carte Aberfan.
Widow travels 60,000 miles to scatter ashes of husband and 'show him the world', her next husband.
It All Balances Out!
Quarter of boys aged five cannot write their name! On the other hand, 100% can piss "X" in the snow!
Considering That Many Have Nearly Nothing After Taxes.
The fleecing of the middle class: How Labour's punished any family earning over £10,000, now considered middle-class.
Man Battles Croc!
My battle with killer crocodile: Briton dragged underwater in jaws of 11ft beast, survives by poking it in the eye, throwing mud pie in it's face. "Good thing I've watched the stooges", he claims.
'Sexy goings on' not responsible
Llanishen campaigners for draining over one million tons of water above their homes claims leak at co-joined Lisvane reservoir is behind recent earth disturbances.
Blackmailing Crime Increase
As many as 140,000 non-medical staff, including porters and housekeepers, have access to sensitive NHS patient files, it emerged last night. Police report blackmailing crime up 500%.
Sushi restaurant owner fights to save Llanishen reservoir
"The fish from that reservoir is the best we have had - our customers love it."
Teen Gets Detention
Teenage truant saves suicidal woman from bridge plunge... then gets detention for missing school, first aid training.
Back to the bad old days: After the BA militants bring chaos, rail unions wreck Easter holidays, bus driver strike finishes everyone off.
Breaking New Ground
Film breaks new ground on sex in India as protesters plan to bury filmmakers.
Welsh Assembly Government proposals for safe disposal of Llanishen reservoir
Hand bottle Llanishen reservoir water. Said WAG spokesperson: "With over one million tons of reservoir water we will have enough money to fix the all those pot-holes left over from winter."
Museum is home to world's largest buns collection. I'm sorry, that should be "largest bunny collection".
Lots Of Variety
Breast-feeding varies by race, place, size, age and sex.
McCain, Palin Campaigning
McCain, Palin to campaign together in Arizona. Palin practicing for 2012. McCain apparently has Alzheimer's Disease.
Bin Laden threatens Americans with Health Care Reform
Osama bin Laden threatened al Qaeda would impose health care reform on any Americans it takes prisoner if Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is put to death. The threat was met with skepticism by US officials.
If It Passes, 30% of US Will Say They Are Gay!
Would partners of gay troops get benefits, too? If so, over 500,000 ready to say they are gay!
College Students Get Boost
Congress gives college aid a boost. Promise to allow marijuana on campus for right after major exams, in order to relax.
Threats against lawmakers spread after health vote as Nancy Pelosi threatens to strip in front of those already stricken with stomach disorders.
New FAA Rules
FAA issues safety warning for homemade planes, aircraft carriers!
Not In Our Lifetime!
Could Hong Kong teach China to quit smoking? Could the United States teach England to quit eating blood pudding? Could England teach the Scottish to leave off haggis?
Police Dog Sentenced
Dog that attacked police cars must attend classes, do three months of public service.
North Threatens Nuclear War, New Art Exhibit!
North Korea threatens 'nuclear strikes' on South Korea, US, that one spot in the ocean where all their rockets keep landing.
Back Together For The First Time!
McCain, Palin to campaign together in Arizona. Promise to get it right this time!
Father Of Newgrass
Sam Bush is named father of newgrass. Everyone told to light up and celebrate!
Diagram Prize #6
A book charting the frontier between burnt toast and Einstein's E=MC2 Theory on Friday won Britain's quirkiest literary award, the Diagram Prize for year's oddest book title.
Diagram Prize #5
A book charting the frontier between Biggles, The Big White Fokker and the 4 ft., 10inch Pygmies of the Congo on Friday won Britain's Diagram Prize for year's oddest book title.
Diagram Prize #4
A book charting the frontier between the String Theory and a hedgehog in Blackpool on Friday won Britain's quirkiest literary award, the Diagram Prize for year's oddest book title.
Diagram Prize #3
A book charting the frontier between prehistoric dinosaurs and Lady Camilla Parker Bowles on Friday won Britain's quirkiest literary award, the Diagram Prize for year's oddest book title.
Diagram Prize Winner #2
A book charting the frontier between peaches and Winston Churchill's penis on Friday won Britain's quirkiest literary award, the Diagram Prize for year's oddest book title.
Diagram Prize Winner
A book charting the frontier between handicrafts and geometry on Friday won Britain's quirkiest literary award, the Diagram Prize for year's oddest book title.
UK press reports: "Prisoners paid £27m in benefits while behind bars".
They're At It Again
Beware online knights in shining armor, US Army warns as Nigerians posing as US servicemen offer marriage and the slaying of dragons to bilk thousands of women out of savings.
The Fair Deal For all
Government to unveil plan to shrink some home loans, homes. "A small four room house with indoor plumbing should be all that's needed", say congressmen who live in 14-room mansions.
13-Year-Old Claims Discrimination
Prodigy, 13, claims age discrimination by UConn. "They won't let me disprove professor's teachings in any way."
Sex Abuse Taints Priests
Sex abuse scandal in US, Italy taints papacy. "Taint guilty of anything", says pope.
Democrats Scurry Home!
Democrats send Obama final health measure. Each issued bullet-proof vests as they head home to crowds of angry voters.
Make A Run For It!
Democrats send Obama final health measure. Hire body guards to protect them as they head home to face voters!
Taking No Prisoners?
Pakistani troops kill 34 militants after attack, even more during the attack.
WAG - synonymous with animal cruelty?
Welsh Assembly Government sinks to new low with demands that over one million tons of water should be stored above a rabbit cage in kid's Llanishen back-garden.
Jihad Jane had bomb on her wrist
Jihad Jane had a bomb on her wrist
she wanted to be a Terror Wrist.
Gordon Brown takes Viagra
Gordon Brown took to much Viagra
and called for a General Erection.
The Butler did it
March Madness ; NCAA Basketball
Butler the little known college advaNces to Elite 8
The mighty Syracuse
'Mother Load' of Welsh gold discovered under the Taff - Gordon Brown smells a killing.
Welsh Lib-Dems believe
the Greek fiscal model should be copied by Wales - oh hang on, Greece originally copied Wales's spending plan.
Another reason why GB has such moods
he wanted to play for England
Gordon Brown is so angry at times that
he eats week old sushi
Gordon Brown's "treats"
Gordon Brown robs Peter (private pensions) to pay Paul
and the amazing thing is, he thinks no one will spot the 'smash and grab'.
Joe Biden makes it to the bathroom
most of the time.
... 'and another thing'
Biden wants everyone to adopt the Biden System - a cross between the Dewey classification system and the metric decimal system. "Who Knew"
has a plan to lull everyone (especially the President) into a false sense of security and then BAM! Biden takes up train spotting.
PETA Got Da Bomb!
PETA admitted today for the first time that they have nuclear weapons. "Plus, we're not afraid to use them to end animal suffering", says spokeswoman.
Obama's Newest Appointee
President Obama's newest judge appointee, Card Shark Claudio from Chicago's South side, to face a lot of questions.
Pelosi: Things Are Looking Up!
Mexico City raid leads to arrest of nearly 200 illegal American workers!
Obama In Iowa
Obama in Iowa yesterday: "We're getting ready to hire 2,000 new workers to put to work tearing down empty car lots!"
Out Of Control?
Maria Shriver caught on phone camera driving backwards while talking on cellphone and redoing lipstick near construction blasting site.
Global Warming #24
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: All Water Moccasin Snakes completely disappear.
Global Warming #23
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Chickens are laying their eggs already poached!
Global Warming #22
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Habanero peppers are exploding in the fields!
Global Warming #21
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: 95% of all Eskimo families now own refrigerators.
Global Warming #20
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Children at school allowed to go to the windows at school to actually see snow...IN DULUTH!
Global Warming #19
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Windmills being constructed all along the Canadian border, all aimed South.
Global Warming #18
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Beer conferences being held in giant walk-in coolers.
Global Warming #17
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Lobsters found already cooked in lobster traps.
Global Warming #16
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Kid's favorite new activity? Water boarding!
Global Warming #15
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Someone left Senator Byrd in his wheelchair and he melted. "It's MacArthur Park all over again", state police.
Global Warming #14
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: More and more men & women marrying cold-blooded killers!
Global Warming #13
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Alcoholic bums and bag ladies in New York City, wearing only thongs.
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