Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 24 March 2010
Police Discover Plastic Comb Hoarder
A man's house was filled with plastic combs, say officials. Every space - the living room, bedroom, kitchen. Piles of plastic combs. Police were shocked to learn the man, ironically, was bald.
Al Qaeda using explosive tits.
MI5 has revealed that Al Qaeda is now using explosive tits to bring down airplanes. The new weapons are being referred to as KABOOBS.
Secret Vampire Songs #6
Over the years people have slipped in vampire songs that few recognized at the time, including: First Class' "Leech Baby"
Secret Vampire Songs #5
Over the years people have slipped in vampire songs that few recognized at the time, including: Credence Clearwater Revival's "Who'll Stop The Domain?"
Secret Vampire Songs #4
Over the years people have slipped in vampire songs that few recognized at the time, including: Deep Purple's "Lush! Lush! I Thought I heard Her Calling My Name"
Secret Vampire Songs #3
Over the years people have slipped in vampire songs that few recognized at the time, including: The Beatles "Whelp! I Need Somebody!"
Secret Vampire Songs #2
Over the years people have slipped in vampire songs that few recognized at the time, including: Steve Earle's "I'm The Other Kine"
Secret Vampire Songs
Over the years people have slipped in vampire songs that few recognized at the time, including: "Domain, All Around My Brain" by Bob Dylan.
New Obama Motto
President Obama has changed his motto from "Yes We Can" to "Yes We Can, With Enough Bribes!"
It's A Small World
Wall Street falls on news of Uganda's rating downgrade, Andy Johnson of Henderson, Tennessee losing job at meat-packing factory!
OAP rocker Sir Paul McCartney is playing at the O2 Arena and promises his geriatric fans free incontinent nappies!
Sir Paul is playing at the O2 in London, OAP's have been buying up tickets and Sir Paul has offered them all free incontinent nappies if they can't make the bog in time, what a gentleman!!
Local Man takes Pictures of His Wife's Hole and Posts them on the Internet
Local Man Barry Nibbles took several revealing photographs of the rusty, gaping hole in his wife's car roof and uploaded them to an Internet site for all to see.
Local Man Beats Children
Local man Crazy Dave wins children's poetry competition despite being over the age of 12 and threatening to kill the judges.
Warden wants more Jail Bait
The warden of the local jail has asked the community to send in any worms they find so that the prisoners can go fishing at the prison pond
Local Man Supports His Local Hospital
Local muscle man Charles Atlas has held up the roof of the local hospital for the past month using his rippling muscles while repairs have been done.
Organs Are Displayed
Supreme Court upholds Hugh Hefner's claim that Playboy magazines are organic!
Aliens abduct Bay of Bengal island, they felt sorry for it!
Aliens have abducted a Bangladeshi island because they flew by, saw the poverty, felt sorry for the inhabitants and scooped the island up, the inhabitants are now enjoying a life in real heaven!
Page 12,098 Healthcare Bill: Rabbits Hate Us!
Global warming much worse than we thought. US Senators and Congressmen's brains apparently fried.
Just Sold A Few Souvenirs
Yemen says it had no idea that a terrorist summit was going on there. "We thought we lost that to Iran!"
Goodbye Free Enterprise
Once health care bill signed by Obama, Mount Rushmore Presidents turn their heads away.
Starts at Llanishen Reservoir
Joe Biden: mega-tons short of a full deck, and who picked him? And more importantly - WHY?
Arnold Schwarzenegger on Biden: "Fufu**# big a*&hole"
Joe Biden insists
"There's no leak at Lisvane Reservoir".
"The burning question"
Cup cake or IED?
If 'it ain't broke' - don't give it to Joe Biden
"The man, the moment ... the buffoon".
Gordon Brown touts a landside win if he can win a spot on Jonathan Ross
where GB will 'dice and spice' Darling's 'luv spuds' served over hot chilli peppers topped off with a dash of fine red wine.
"Foul mouthed 11-year-old assassin called Hit-Girl"
Joe Biden's secret luv-child. "Who Knew"
Worries over the world ending in 2012
could be linked to the ultra-high vacuum inside Joe Biden's head.
Joe Biden has 'hyperspace' inside his head
that and a sandwich of peanut butter, jam and a meat paste product mixed with a certain fish based product involving frog's eggs.
Cardiff based Reservoir Action Group (RAG) deny rumours of 'leak'
Asked to comment, RAG spokesperson - taking a leaf out of Joe Biden's single page book, tersely replied: $56# 8*& you.
Reason 'for the fine mess' we are in ...
something to do with what Rose Tyler ate while on a London bus heading home from work.
has worked out that he will come into existence on mother Earth in about 8 months - curiously about the time of the upcoming November elections.
'Give me an arm or a leg'
and I will give you 'the man'. Who said that?
"Latest national security analysis"
As the 10th Dr. Who once said: "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE", or some such words, to Rose Tyler.
Iran banks on GOP wiping out Obama's party
"The son is shining, there aint a cloud in sight it's stopped raining ..." (ELO)
and we have 'Obama Care"
UK taxes up, Euro down, Greece economy heading for the rocks, promised green jobs no where in sight
other than that, 'a jolly good day had by all'
Now We Know!
Old record found of alien autopsy in New Mexico shows that an alien's "Probe" is actually his penis.
Old King One-Eye
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed guy is not only king but will tell everyone else, "Since none of us can see, why bother wearing clothes?"
Nice And Silky
New "Sow's Ear" purses that are so popular, condemned by PETA!
Sung Her Heart out!
Young lady who sung her heart out of TV last night, not a pretty sight to see!
According to new census figures thus far, the occupation of most Americans is the couch. #2 is "other countries".
Disney announces that free condoms will be given out to all adults that enter one of their parks, as "Tunnel of Love" now 15 minutes long".
Gay Marriage Discussion
Hermaphrodites say they have no opinion about gay marriages. We have always been free to marry", says one.
Flynt Shat Upon
Man who tied up Larry Flynt in his wheelchair & robbed the place was followed by another who used Flynt as a commode. Says he thought he was a fancy John. Apparently had nothing to do with robbery.
NKorean Time Machine #2
North Korean TV shows travelers in their new 5-seconds ahead, Time Machine. Proof, they say is to watch that their mouths are not in sync with the pictures.
Nkorean Time Machine
North Korean scientists say that they have invented a time machine that goes 5 seconds into the future. As soon as they can get it improved to one hour, they will clean up at the race tracks.
Near Classic #18
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "A Sale OF Two Titties!"
Near Classic #17
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "David Cop-A-Feel"
Near Classic #16
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "Pride & Perversion"
Near Classic #15
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "Windy The Poo"
Near Classic #15
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "The Bored Of The Rings"
Near Classic #14
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "The Gropes Of Wrath!"
Near Classics #13
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "Widow Lemon".
What Was That?
Study: Only 50% of physicians advised their obese patients to lose weight after collapse of over 10,000 chairs in waiting rooms.
Payoffs High In Congress
Dem payoffs for congressmen to purchase their vote could cost $500 Billion!
Boob Shots On eBay
Breast screening 'fails to cut cancer deaths': Thousands could be enduring needless surgery. However, shopped photos help pay increase for under-paid doctors.
Who Would Have Thought?
Facebook 'sex encounters' linked to rise in syphilis, a surprise to everyone.
Greenpeace May Become Involved
Teachers leave boy, 5, stranded in tree because of health and safety (then report passer-by who helped him down to the tree police)
We've Ignored It For Years
US law to make calorie counts hard to ignore but easy to shrug off. "Like we don't already know that ice cream makes us fat?"
General Mills Showing Profit
General Mills 3Q profit climbs as sales improve as people reduced to eating cereal three times a day.
Health Care Recriminations
Political recriminations linger over health care. Bucket of piss over door falling on Pelosi doesn't improve things.
Differences In Justices
Justice Antonin Scalia tends to see things as black or white. Justice Stephen Breyer sees a lot more gray. Justice Thomas sees a pubic hair on a cans of colas.
Other States May Follow
California receives much needed funds by releasing 10,000 prisoner with lower $5,000 bond each. Saves state billions.
Monkey Not Butterfly
Elusive monkey romps in Tampa Bay area. Authorities say it might be the "Bright Elusive Monkey Of Love" so popular in song.
Two Story Mosque/Synagogue
Jerusalem approves contentious new building plan. May built synagogue on top of Doom Of The Rock.
Fiat Cuts Jobs
Fiat reported to cut 5,000 jobs, shares rally. Those losing jobs certainly don't.
Bees In Trouble, So Are We
Bees in more trouble than ever after bad winter as many dying of pesticides. Bees pollinate plants, fruit. Plants feed humans. Get the picture?
Older women need 1-hour workouts to fend off flab. Nursing homes to begin track teams, pumping iron.
Indian Military Weaponize Chili!
Indian military to weaponize world's hottest chili. Mexico to retaliate in uncontrolled chili build-up!
Women Too Fat In Old Paintings
Study: Last Supper paintings supersize the food. Leonardo da Vinci advised to "Watch it!"
Senate writing final chapter to health care bill, number 4,986!
Anything CAN Cause Anything
More than 1 million baby slings recalled. Also strollers, playpens, mother's tits as baby could get strangled. Isn't there any common sense left? "Just keep an eye on the babies, OK?"
Samcam pregnant but call it the gynae ward
From Conservative Central Office. Priority message to all candidates at the forthcoming General Election. Push the samcam pregnancy at all times but never say Labour Suite.
All UK supermarket staff will now be trained in psychology. Customers paying cash can still get change, but they have to really want the change.
Little Bo Peep Has Lost Her Sheep
Again? Can't that woman hang onto anything?
What's Outside Don't Count!
New study shows that 75% of all Texans believe that the world is shaped like Texas!
American Education Slips Another Notch
Suits filed today in last attempt to derail health care reform indicate 14 out of 50 U.S. Attorneys General could not correctly identify the Supremacy Clause of the U.S. Constitution.
Spelling Bee Ends Badly
National spelling bee ends with a big embarrassment, when no one can spell "embarrassment".
US FCC fines White House $520,000
An FCC spokeswoman explained "there was no excuse for Vice President Biden's F-bomb on live TV" when President Obama signed a controversial health care bill into law...
It's All Ready
Israel announces that they have finished their tryout of their new Doomsday Weapon, Project Samson! "If we go, we ALL go!"
Ladin Takes Credit
Osama Bin Laden on television once again, taking claim credit for causing global warming.
Near Classic #12
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "To Catch Her In The Lie"
Near Classic #11
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "Maybe Dick!"
Near Classic #10
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "For Whom The Tail Blows!"
Near Classic #9
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "Harry Potter & The Goober Of Fire!"
Near Classic #8
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "Shit!" (Stephen King)
Near Classic #7
Almost Classic Books that never made it: "Jonathon Livingston Seabiscuit".
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