Order by:
Rating:

Diary of a Madman

Drym and Horsedowns fishmonger Trelawney Polgassick says: "One day Mrs Dribbler comes into the shop and she says 'have you got a cod's head and shoulders?' 'No Missus', I says, 'it's just the way I parts me hair!'"

written by Erskin Quint, 22 March 2010
Rating:

My Favourite Soup

"My favourite soup is Calf's Head and Shoulders", says TV Gardener and Novelist Alan Ditchfarce. "I like Slowly Strangled Dog", says Korean Executioner Kim Dung Hwaa. "Slow throttling tenderises flesh."

written by Erskin Quint, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
The point of contact between two perfect spheres is said to be infinitely small. Let us rejoice then in our imperfection, you and I, as we connect massively and messily!

written by Erskin Quint, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Songs Update #3

Simon & Garfield: "Cecilia, Those Are Making Me Fart!"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Song Updates #2

The Rolling Stones: "I Used To Aim In The Bowl, But It's All Over Now"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Song Updates

The Eagles re-release: "I Get A Pantsful Easy Filling

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

More Things To Do With Rice

Let us celebrate Percy Flage, inventor of waterproof newspaper, electric money, disposable paper spectacles, a clockwork watering can, and "nebuloso", a special international language for discussing clouds.

written by Erskin Quint, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
Consider the memories. What will tomorrow's memories be? You create them today. Think happy thoughts, for these will form tomorrow's happy memories. Unless you forget them.

written by Erskin Quint, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Antiques

with Hugh Rowley-Macassar
Here is a boxwood netsuke lungfish, whose value is only slightly compromised by a chipped notochord, for which I have great expectations at the Broadwoodwidger auctions.

written by Erskin Quint, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
Today, I think about my dreams. Tonight, I dream about my thoughts. Tomorrow, I remember all this. Today, I think the thoughts that will become tomorrow's memories.

written by Erskin Quint, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Chuck Norris was the Stonehenge Architect

Arcdhaeologists at sites on Salisbury Plain are now sure that Chuck Norris created Stonehenge by walking past a massive stone quarry. The giant slabs of rock all stood at attention as he walked past.

written by Daniel Bristol, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Chuck Norris Causes Massive Roundhouse Kick deaths

Scientists have discovered that, since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

written by Daniel Bristol, 22 March 2010
Rating:

When I'm 64!

Old fans say the thing they like best about going once more to see groups like Crosby, Stills & Nash on the road again, is that this time the crowd is passing out Viagra.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Chuck Norris creates Circle of Life

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the Circle of Life.

written by Daniel Bristol, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Joyner Joins The Great Ones

Wally Joyner became the fifteenth baseball player today to have his number retired at the Betty Ford Clinic!

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Old Gold All Sold

Vinophile
with Victor Ludorum

From the chalk slopes of the Fistula, comes Georg Meinschoffer's pale-straw Bufeburger Mitteltreppchen Juffehunde 1997. Searing aromas of unwashed milkmaid introduce a smegma palate.

written by Erskin Quint, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Brassiere Company Goes Bust

Zither-Queen Elspeth Fustian's latest album Shards and Splinters, in which she interprets the music of Herb Alpert and Mantovani, has been called "elegantly futile" by the Apostle Spoon Fanciers Gazette.

written by Erskin Quint, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Special Announcement

The United Nations forces in Afghanistan say they have killed the Taliban leader of the Northernmost group. Immediately, they begin hunt for his replacement. If you're keeping score, move #2 to #1.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter

An old Spanish farmer sits weeping by his dead donkey. Why do you weep, old Pedro? For love of your help-mate? "No", he cries, "I have to bury the bastard."

written by Erskin Quint, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Bi-Polar Dogsled Race

The Bi-polar expedition has called off the scheduled dogsled trip, no they haven't, well we'll see.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Aussie Hunting Ban "Too Late"

The Australian Government would be too late in banning the hunting for sport of indigenous Tasmanians, it was claimed yesterday. "The abos were hunted to extinction years ago" said Len Drongo, 65, of Wollongonglonggonglong.

written by Erskin Quint, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Local Man Fails To Sell Himself to Taxidermist

"He told me I'd be worth more dead", he said.

written by Jesus Budda, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Silken Man and Acrobat Wife discuss Relationship

"It's a delicate balancing act", they said.

written by Jesus Budda, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Local Christian Converts To Metric

"It was about time I learned centimetres and millimetre's", he said.

written by Jesus Budda, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Town Unveils New Muslim

Shamala el Hamadei said she liked her new look

written by Jesus Budda, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Local Man Measures Dick

Local man Jimmy Jennings measured his friend Dick Young today. Little Dick is 3' 5'' tall.

written by Jesus Budda, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Obama is the reincarnated Gandhi, it's a fact!

After pushing his Health Reform bill through and stuffing the Republicans, Jaggedone announced a bombshell, Obama is not Obama he's Gandhi, it's a fact, only difference is Obama's Saville Row suit!

written by Jaggedone, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Ufoes Spotted

A hillbilly family in Do Stop, Arkansas say they saw "one of them there Ufoes last night. Hit had a little body, big head and real teeth."

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Tiger Woods In The News Again

Unfortunately it's only for his golf comeback.

written by Skoob1999, 22 March 2010
Rating:

GE Misses Mays

General Electric say their new "melon Shooter" not selling well since loss of Billy Mays.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Marth Stewart Absent-Minded

Martha Stewart not paying attention, too preoccupied with finding a man. Releases new cook book, "The Frogleg Gourmet"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

"Tell Kim We Did It!"

North Korean hopes of sending rocket to Mars crash as rocket lands in same spot in the ocean all the other's have landed.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

On Whale Wheat Bread

Closed restaurant that sold "Whale & Fries" sandwiches will be missed. "Those were BIG sandwiches", say customers.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Numbers Instead Of Names

President Obama finally admits that with new health insurance bill, we have to change our names to numbers. "I'm #1 because I claimed it first."

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Secret Meats

New Whoopi's Hamburger shake say that if KFC can keep their sauce & recipe secret, they don't have to tell you what kind of meat they use.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Queen Chews Out Grandsons

The Queen called both her grandsons in yesterday and lectured them on their constantly bringing up "The Family Jewels" in conversations. "We are not amused."

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

They Can Get Out Of Hand

The Queen has just returned from her annual trimming of Prince Charles ears.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Undiscovered Beatles Recording #12

Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "Got To Get You Out Of My Wife!"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Undiscovered Beatles Recording #11

Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "The Salad Of John & Loco"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Undiscovered Beatles Recording #10

Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: I'll Follow Her Buns"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Undiscovered Beatles Recording #9

Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "I'm In Love With Glue And I Feel Fine!"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Undiscovered Beatles Recording #8

Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "I Saw Her Standing Bare".

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Queen Honored

The Queen, invited to throw out the first punch at recent soccer game, flattens Camilla Parker Bowles.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

"I Thought I Saw A Flash!"

Invisibility Cloak worth the $100,000 he paid for it says tabloid reporter!

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

It's Your Right!

Experts advise that you insist on your First Amendment rights to answer census takers question by pantomime.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Breaks Armstong's Record, Neck

Teen on runaway Toyota-made bicycle passes cars going over 80MPH on freeway.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Be Careful Out Driving

Police vehicle rammed by runaway Toyota as police were trying to catch another runaway Toyota.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

The Yellow Peril!

The day the sky turned yellow: Sandstorms sweep across China!

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Wired Terror Alert

Man with 'wires coming from his nutsack' sparks terror alert on London Underground! I'm sorry, that should be 'rucksack'.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Obama Gloating

'This is what change looks like. Get used to it because all your dollar bills are going for taxes!': Victory for Obama as historic healthcare reform bill is passed

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Tiger Nervous

Woods: 'A little nervous' about return at Masters, especially upon learning that three former mistresses have bought tickets.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Hope He Can Still So It

Buzz Aldrin among stars set for 'Dancing' debut as audiences expect to see a few giant moon-type hops from one end of the stage of the other.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Biting Sanctions Called For!

Clinton: US wants biting sanctions on Iran as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad bites three more diplomats.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

How Many Lobsters?

Snowmobiles, ATVs, lobster boats used for census. "Lobsters can't write as they break pencils, so we have to ask Yes & NO questions", says group leader.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Fargo Has Other Problems

Floods recede in Fargo, but other hazards linger. For one thing, there are two killers on the loose and a pregnant sheriff on their trail!

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Sand Storm In China

Sandstorms across China prompt health warnings. Argues that this has nothing to do with seeding clouds before and during Olympics.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Geothermal Energy

Oregon town uses geothermal energy to stay warm from volcano below it!

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

House Lauded

Obama lauds House for passing health care bill! "Laudy! Laudy! Laudy!"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Mixed Feelings About Meth Bill

Feelings mixed on meth bill in Senate as some Senators are high as a kite!

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

New Hobbit Breaks Habit

Filmmaker Del Toro to give 'Hobbit' new look. Warns audiences this won't be the Hobbit that they have a habit of seeing.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Arport Crack's Down

Air travelers to see tougher security before breach. "Be prepared for thorough inspection", states security officer. "Plus I'd wear new underwear."

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Poker Raid Arrest

Police arrest suspected organizer of poker raid before he can cash in his chips.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Brick Passed By Congress

Obama lauds House for passing health care bill. "Now let's all see what is in the thing."

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Health Care Overhaul Bill Passed #2

"Does this mean we can't wear overhauls at work?", ask many farmers.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Health Care Overhaul Bill Passed

House sends health care overhaul bill to Obama. Millions hold their breath to see if he will sign it!

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Old King Cole was a merry old soul . . .

. . . Until he heard that the health care bill had been voted in by the U. S. Congress.

written by Gail Farrelly, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Stand Up Ladies

House member Pro-Abortion advocates get screwed again by President Obama's Executive Order! It doesn't matter as the order is useless, but these ladies have no testicular fortitude.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Scare Tactics

LITTLE JOHNY: Mommy I'm scared! MOMMY: Why? LITTLE JOHNY: President Obama says "the Health Insurance Company monster is under my bed, in the closet and outside my window."

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Obama Administration's Left Wing Thinking

President Obama, like President Chavez of Venezuela, announced 24-hour electric power cutoffs for dozens of companies that have failed to support his energy conservation policies.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

No Child Left Behind to be Upgraded

President Obama would like to update the "No Child Left Behind Program." House Speaker Pelosi will be its first enrollee!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

New Recipients Identified

Three recipients have been nominated to receive the "Slime Ball" of the year award for 2010. They are Louise Slaughter of the House Rules Committee, House Speaker Pelosi & Senate Majority Leader Reid.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Michigan Motto Change

The state of Michigan is changing its motto from "We Eatus Meatus" to Tantalizing Tofu Titillates."

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Liberal Democratic Health Care Hypocrisy

Candidate Obama ran on negating Bush's executive orders prohibiting abortions. King Obama I was asked by conservative Democrats to issue an executive order prohibiting abortions, for their votes.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Health Care Sale

Break a leg now before the health care reform bill goes into effect. Next year the doctor's fee will double, the plaster cast cost will increase and splints will incur a surtax.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Get Me More Rich People

PRESIDENT: I need to increase health care taxes, round up some more rich people! CHIEF OF STAFF: The larder's empty as we're out of rich people. PRESIDENT: Have the Mint crank up the printing presses!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Buying a Pig in a Poke

House Speaker Pelosi wants the American people to accept the health care reform bill & then figure it out later! Would you buy a car, take it home, then look under the hood & try the accessories?

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Bending the Rules

Representative Slaughter of the Rules Committee decided not to use the "Deem and Pass" Rule as Representative Waxman had her by the US Constitution!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

White House Sponsored Child Obesity Diet

The new school lunch menu consists of macaroni with double cheese, two bags of potato chips, two salted pretzels with extra salt & a diet cola. After lunch four hours of running in place is required!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Something is Very Wrong Here

When Wall Street Corporate Executives give out bonuses it's called corruption! When President Obama, Senate Majority Leader Reid and House Speaker Pelosi bribe US House members it's called politics!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

President Obama Made Honorary Indian Chief

Chief Reid of the Las Vegas Indians has bestowed a great honor on President Obama. The president will be inducted into the tribe and be known as "Great Chief Paleface!"

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

One Vote for the Bill

Representative Barney Frank once again proves he is an asshole by voting for the health care reform bill!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

No Dirty Underwear Inspector

NY legislator who wants to ban salt has also called for a ban on dirty underwear. Women's groups objecting to being subject to a dirty underwear inspector are planning a naked protest in Albany NY!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

New York Times Headlines

House speaker Pelosi and left wing Democrats have the votes to pass health care reform!

American people to be screwed by wealth redistribution and deficits!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Name Change

ACORN to change their name to SQUASH after being BEET up for not minding their PEAS and ques!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Lowering the Cost of Health Care

President Obama offered to let Iran participate in America's health care reform if they give up nuclear weapons. A large crowd in Tehran broke into chants of "death to America" & "death to Obama."


written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Kill the Bill

Pro- Life advocates get upset when Pro-Abortion House members state "the current health care reform bill is a real abortion!"

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Government Employee Travel

An amendment has been added to the health care reform bill to only allow interfering federal government bureaucrats to travel to Republican states by horseback!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Democrats to Ban the Internet

Animal rights activists have asked Congressional Democratic left wing liberals to ban the Internet, in order to stop rare animal trading! VP Al Gore objected.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Healthcare Reform

Obama healthcare bill. Republicans attack it and say European Nanny State. Democrats cheer as millions of Americans will benefit.

Europeans, shrug their shoulders and ask what is the problem?

written by Nae mair crap, 22 March 2010
Rating:

THAT Should Be A Big Help!

Pentagon says U.S. Ballistic Missile Defense System almost ready. "We'll be able to shoot down incoming missile over our cities."

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Jermiah Wright Hurls Racial Slur, Ducks Out!

Democrats celebrate getting health bill passed, dodging bullets, uniting country.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

How About The Muck?

VP Biden says that former VP Cheney's undisclosed location had trophies from hunting trips with notes: "The Buck Stops Here!", "The Duck Stops Here!"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Caught A Glimpse Of Future Stars

Three of those early naked prisoners in Baghdad prison photos now making a lot of money in porn movies.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Charging Everything To Elvis

Las Vegas celebrity impersonator arrested for identity theft!

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Worse One Yet

The FCC warns that there in a new internet worm that is attacking Apple Computers.

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Dolly, By Golly #20

Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "The Cumberland Gap, Paps"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Dolly, By Golly #19

Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Bi La Baloobas"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Dolly, By Golly #18

Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "The Baby-Feeder Of The Pack"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Dolly, By Golly #17

Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Going From Air Bags To Riches".

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
Rating:

Dolly, By Golly #16

Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Up, Up & Away In My Beautiful Balloons!"

written by Bureau, 22 March 2010
« Feb 2010 March 2010 Apr 2010 »
Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat Sun
1st
181
2nd
120
3rd
141
4th
143
5th
103
6th
89
7th
118
8th
83
9th
76
10th
91
11th
82
12th
90
13th
98
14th
111
15th
94
16th
82
17th
110
18th
135
19th
95
20th
95
21st
70
22nd
100
23rd
66
24th
89
25th
67
26th
105
27th
107
28th
81
29th
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30th
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31st
144
 

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