Spoof news snippets from Sunday 21 March 2010
Susan Boyle fans think it's OK to spread word that the singer is going to be 2 million quid richer very soon. What business do they have nosing into Miss Boyle's financial affairs?
Laden Back On The Telly
Osama Bin Laden officially apologized for suicide bombers on Al-Jazzera video. "There's always a few who want to want to show off. I tell them, 'There is no I in Jihad...come to think of it..."
Police Overdoing It?
The Obese Police arrest Fat Albert and haul him away while kids watching the cartoon.
Ronald In Jail
McDonald's Restaurant closed by Obese Police for supersizing customers. Ronald held under $100,000 bond.
Do-Si-Doh, Then Back Again!
Rare astronomical event occurs this week! Mars to pass between the Earth and Venus.
Dipstick Gives A "Heads Up"!
Sheik Ahmed Dipstick of Saudi Arabia says that Saudi oil could run out in 50 years.
Undiscovered Beatles Recording #7
Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: Lucky In The Mile-High With The Flying Nun"
Undiscovered Beatles Recordings #6
Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "Piss & Shout!"
Rediscovered Beatles Recording #5
Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "I Want To Hold Your Jug Band"
Rediscovered Beatles Recording #4
Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "She Will Come In Through The Oval Office Window".
Rediscovered Beatles Recording #3
Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "He's A Woman"
Rediscovered Beatles Recording #2
Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "Villain At Rugby"
Rediscovered Beatles Record
Ringo, in visit to Yoko Ono finds old late-1960's Beatles recordings never released, including: "All You Need Is Getting The Shit Beat Out Of"
Alanis Morisette Learns Difference Between 'Ironic' and 'Unfortunate'
"I now know that a black fly in your chardonnay and a death row pardon two minutes two late are actually unfortunate, not ironic", she wailed.
Man Puts Underpants on Backwards
Now shits standing up and pisses sitting down.
BA Flight Grounded
The A-Team star refused to get in the airplane despite attempts by Hannibal, Murdoch and Face.
Local Thrill-Seeker Laughs in the Face of Death
Death doesn't see the funny side and kills him with his scythe.
Milk-Lovers Relationship Sours
"We Probably shouldn't have gone on that holiday to the sun and stayed back at home in the fridge", they said.
Restaurants Will No Longer Be Rated
'Bib' the Michellin Man says he's too fat and will not be giving out any more stars.
Paper Boy Injured
Some cruel bastard poured water on him and he got soggy.
Richard Dawkins Denies Existence of Gonad
He says ays its just a load of balls.
Uri Ass is Mine
Uri Geller's skinny arse is being opened as a coal mine.
Catholics lose faith
The latest:Catholics lose faith. Mary and Margaret are so pissed off about Spoof writers being invited to the Vatican that one is moving to the Protestant camp and her friend is going to become a Jew.
Oldest Known College Unearthed
World's Oldest College unearthed in Egypt. Paddles for initiations into sororities, water bladders still inside.
Former VP Cheney says that he agrees with Democrats that Guantanamo Prison Camp should be destroyed. When asked about the prisoners, he concluded "Oh, leave them in it!"
Slow Times For David Copperfield #11
David Copperfield reduced to doing kids birthday parties: Farts out all the candles on the cake, producing huge blue flame that sets three birthday hats on fire! 'Well, certainly I blew another one!"
Slow Times For David Copperfield #10
Once great magician, David Copperfield reduced to doing kids birthday parties: During late in the act, a second 'wand' appears.
Slow Times For David Copperfield #9
Once great magician, David Copperfield reduced to doing kids birthday parties: Gags kids by pulling a top hat out of a rabbit's ass.
Rise in marriages between cousins 'putting children at risk of birth defects', as Baroness warns Arkansas, Royal Family!
'I am truly sorry': Pope Benedict apologises for decades..centuries of child abuse in Irish Catholic Church
Pick On Someone Your Own Soxe!
Jockey Kieren Fallon 'punched in the face' by horse owner after impeding rival in race. Jockey hires sumo wrestler to punch little owner in the face.
Google To Switch To Russian Weapons Locations
Google forced to remove pictures of secret military bases, nuclear missile silos from Street, Country View.
Mancunians vs Scouser or Viva "Los Liverpudlianos vs ex-Scouser Rooney!
Arch rivals, Man Utd and Liverpool clash today in the ancient "Battle of Britain" but things aint what they used to be, Rooney and Owen play for Utd and Liverpool are the 2nd team of Real Madrid
In Other News...
#1 Kansas in NCAA Tournament! Some kind of disturbance going on in DC about health care, training cats or something.
We're Not Like That. Here It's Basketball!
Fury at BBC's 13-hour Saturday sportathon: Bar the Lottery and the news, nothing on except rugby and football! Average Brit says "So..what else is there?"
BA reinstates dozens of flights as airline and union clash over impact of strike action, planes landing.
Beer Conference On Health Care Today!
Democrats lose three votes, Republicans lose two that have passed out cold as Health Care Beer Conference continues.
Big Beer Conference Today
Big beer conference over health care bill off to bad start as 90-plus Senator Byrd wheeling around and around naked.
Beer Truck Caravan Arrives
Huge vote could come today on nation's health care during all day beer conference.
Report: Cat-calling men give all men, cats a bad name.
Historic Day In US
Dems predict historic House vote on health care. Tea Party predicts historic overthrow of country.
GM Announces Recalls.
GM's South Korean unit recalling nearly 60,000 vehicles that run on buried cabbage fumes.
Volcano Erupts In Iceland
Volcano erupts in Iceland, hundreds evacuated. Ice melting around it. May change country's name to "Doughnutland".
Lost In The Use Of Initials
Future of DRA uncertain as nobody seems to know what DRA stands for.
All GAY French rugby team spank the bums of their STRAIGHT English rivals!
The French are all GAY, that's a fact and now GAY POWER has triumphed over the STRAIGHT English by STUFFING their Rugby team, winning Le Grande Slam and proving that Hommes are now HOMMOS!
Nintendos Into Schools?
Nintendo aims to get consoles in schools. "They will have to give them away, we haven't the money", say school supers.
Number One Knocked Off
Bracket buster: Northern Iowa stuns No. 1 Kansas as Jay Hawks play more like Jaybirds.
Wicked Witch May Not Be Dead
French Munchkin Sarkozy's party expecting setback in regional vote.
Experts On The way
Iraqi president demands election recount . Group from Florida headed that way.
Drug War Building
Mexico's drug war takes growing toll on Americans. Returning troops from Iraq may go to US/Mexican border.
Tea Party Stirred Up!
Tea party protesters use racial epithet against Georgia's John Lewis, calling him a liberal.
Geothermal Energy Solution
Ore. town uses geothermal energy to stay warm as Morlocks agree to share since it's too warm down there, anyway.
Mind Your Own Country
Israel: East Jerusalem construction to continue as Israel joins other nations in doing the opposite of what Obama asks.
New Movement Going On!
Volcano erupts in Iceland, hundreds evacuated as two more earthquakes hit Central America.
Dems The Ones Doing It!
Dems predict historic House vote on health care for aborted babies, taxing workers and charging old people in order to stay alive.
Lock up Children - Pope to Visit
Pope Rantzen XVI will visit disadvantaged and gullible children in the UK before avoiding Ireland.
Ireland vs. the Vatican City
Watch 'Ireland vs. the Vatican City' in all it's glorious technicolour, only here on Sky Box Office HD. Order today for £19.50.
NCAA Basketball Tournament: Kansas clicks their heels
"I keep forgetting that I'm not in Kansas",
Kansas,# 1 rated, lost to Northern Iowa in round one.
"Click your Heels 3 times Dorothy"
Kansas is back in Kansas.
Iranian's military 'scope' PFWs (pure fusion weapons) project well advanced: goes someway to explaining CIA report that Iran had stopped working on NWs.
Police Make 50 Raids In Eight Years
New York's police chief has delivered a cheesecake to an elderly couple in Brooklyn, to apologize for dozens of mistaken police visits to their home. "Actually, it makes us feel safer", says owner.
Pope: Going Through A Bad Patch
Pope Benedict XVI rebuked Irish bishops Saturday for "grave errors of judgment" in handling clerical sex abuse and ordered an investigation over 100 year period.
Some Good News
While everyone in Washington is concentrating on the health care bill, Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning reassures the nation that the Bourbon reserves are at 95%. "We'll need it!"
Advice From The NHS
The National Health Service reminds you that as you go through life, get up and walk around a bit or you'll get a blood clot.
Obama's Rating Slumps
President Obama's job rating at all-time low. But wait until the doctors leave if health care passed.
Ringo At It Too
Ringo Starr releases the familiar "Ballad Of The John Under Yoko"
The Kinks are putting out an updated version of their old hit, "Dulcolax, You Really Got Me Going!"
Even without Jim Morrison, the Doors still sound great on "Come On Baby Light My Fart".
At The Home, With The Beachboys!
The Beachboys, following a trend, put out old hit "We're Having Pudd Celebrations! (Pudd, Pudd, Pudd Celebrations!)
Old Beatle's Number
Sir Paul McCartney re-releases the Beatle's hit, "Hey! Nude! (I've Forgotten Me Pants)
Marvin Gay's Sister, Ima
Marvin Gay's sister Ima puts out a new updated version of Marvin's old hit, "I Heard It Through The Hearing Aid"
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