Spoof news snippets from Saturday 20 March 2010
Wiki 2010 Update #8
Of all species on earth, the common spider is the most patient of all...except for John Forsythe, who played the super patient dad on "Father Knows Best".
Wiki 2010 Update #7
In most rural 1800's and early 1900's one-room schools, the students were seated by dowsing over their heads instead of alphabetically.
Wiki 2010 Update #6
Ice skaters in the Olympics who fall on their ass three different times are forbidden from the games permanently, having made a laughing stock out of the whole event.
Many states change official mottos and symbols
The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are now The Official State Titties of Texas.
Wiki 2010 Update #5
Where flipping a coin to determine a choice is very old, it only became popular after being used in US football games. An earlier version in England was coined "Dwarf Flipping".
Wiki 2010 Update #4
Although Elton John was recently actively looking for a new recording label, he remained a "Forbidden Fruit" to Apple, Inc.
Wiki 2010 Update #3
More people wer killed in 2009 by lightning than by suicide, if you discount the number of suicides people committed after being struck by 'ball lightning'.
Wiki 2010 Updates #2
If you listen carefully to Paul Simon's 'Graceland' song on his album Graceland, played backwards, you can hear Garfunkle crying for replacing him with band from South Africa.
Updates On Wiki 2010
Theodore Roosevelt had only one testicle but constantly ate bull testicles in the belief that they would help. Thus his constant reference "Bully!" whenever he thought about sex.
Beijing sand storm inspires new recipes
The giant sandstorm dousing Beijing has given restaurants new epicurean leeway. New recipes include Orange Chicken with Sand, Beijing Duck smothered in Sand & Plum Sauce.
March Madness caused by pollen
Northern hemisphere dandelion pollen is released in mid-march based on sun / earth positions and not weather or season. Afflicted Individuals sensitive to this pollen go basketball crazy.
Man Watches Avatar Without 3D Glasses
Discovers the film is really just a really, really long episode of The Smurfs.
Chinese baby Learns to Wok
Praised for his culinary skills.
Local Man Takes One For the Team
But the greedy bastard refuses to share the number with the others.
New Law Supports Gay Rights
Gay Left-handers still to be treated unfairly.
Olympic Sprinter Rewrites History Books
Says they were outdated and that he had plenty of time on his hands before the London 2012 to help out down at the local library.
Local Pussy Licked
'Tiddles the cat' was easily beaten by 'Bruno the dog' in an inter-species welterweight boxing contest at the local sports club.
Spa that gave Nancy Pelosi her Brazilian Wax in trouble for slander
They shouldn't have called it "cutting the crabgrass."
Sandra Bullock's Husband Cheating On Her
Should she beat him with her Oscar or just borrow some golf clubs from Elin?
Leading Democrats Vow To Go On Hunger Strike Until Health Care Reform Passes
Does this mean that they'll plug up the tube sending a constant supply of scotch to Ted Kennedy's casket?
Barney Frank Vows To Go On Hunger Strike Until Health Care Reform Passes
I give him two hours before he's sucking down a bag of cheeseburgers
Harry Reid Vows To Go On Hunger Strike Until Health Care Reform Passes
Harry, however, is calling it "fasting."
Barack Obama Vows To Go On Hunger Strike Until Health Care Reform Passes
The Prez will give up goat, and all of his other favorite Middle Eastern delicacies.
Nancy Pelosi Vows To Go On Hunger Strike Until Health Care Reform Passes
She could stand to lose a little of that fat between the ears.
Headed For Betty Bored Clinic!
Spoof Writer faces surgery on both wrists with crapol tunnel syndrome after sending sixty crappy snippets a day!
A webpage for every citizen as Labour plans paperless society. "And just how does one wipe one's ass with a webpage?" asks voter.
Cameron calls for new US-style tax on Britain's banks. Obama calls for new British-style taxes on everything else.
Squatters In Garden
Residents powerless to remove illegal immigrants from squatting in their gardens. They claim they are providing free fertilizer.
Just Not Thinking I Guess
"Yummy mummy slings 'may kill babies': Investigation launched into deaths of 14 newborns!" This was on Mail Online. I think "launched" was a poor choice of words. Also, you can't spoof it.
Citizens told to brush up on etiquette on passing gas. The guest, not the host must set the sound, flavor.
Cat-calling men give all men a bad name? Explains why Cat Stevens changed his.
Must Be More Bouyant
Recession, increase in size of passengers hurting cruise ship builders.
Boeing accelerates production of 747, 777 models. Hope to get lucky!
Fight At Courthouse
Lady Gaga fires back in NY court at music producer, wounding a court recorder.
Old Fashioned Judge?
Court: Anna Nicole Smith gets none of oil fortune. Reason Judge gave court: She's deader than a doornail!"
Bring Your Kid To Work Day?
After control tower worker allows kid to land planes, surgeon warned yesterday when he allowed his youngest grandchild help perform heart operation.
Shit To Shore, Come In Please!
WHO: Not sure if drug-resistant TB is worsening but fastest growing sickness is The Cruise Ship Shits!
Hollywood and Bollywood join arms to fight Dollywood!
"Came Out Of Nowhere"
Cloak of invisibility takes a step forward, causing thirteen people to trip up.
Invisibility Cloak Could Be Here
Cloak of invisibility takes a step forward. We wanted you to know since you couldn't see it.
India Does Something Unexpected
India unexpectedly hikes rates a quarter point. "We were bored, not in the news much of late."
Obamam Sets The Pace
Letter: Lehman accounting tricks possibly illegal, according to which people were paid off. Lehman claims same tactics used by President to buy votes for health care bill.
Mideast Talks Again!
World diplomats urge resumption of Mideast talks. Celebrate 10,000th such request.
Video Mix-Up Urges American Not To Develop Nucllear Weapons!
Obama appeals to Iranian people in Internet video mix-up. "Why should he care about our health care?", ask Iranians.
Turn About Is Fair Play
Boy Scouts sex files now evidence in Ore. lawsuit as over 1,000 scout leaders shook up about what awaits them in prison.
Came With No Warning
Bloated Lake haunts North Dakota town again, Also Flood River surprises for the 25th year in a row.
UN Chief Has Leprosy
UN chief says Israeli settlements must be stopped as we do not recognize any promises from Abraham.
Women in community honored at banquet by a member of Chippendale's dancing his way out of a big cake!
Lawers Would Get Only 75%
Judge: $575M settlement rejected for 9/11 'heroes'. "Too small for all the lawyers in health case."
Pope Blasts Bishops
Pope blasts Irish bishops, excuses himself. "Those things slip out as you get older", says gaseous leader.
School officials against proposed physical activity bill say they had rather sit on asses all day while teaching.
More Jihad Janes?
Homeland security warns of more Jihad Janes. Could hide explosives in false tits, springing hundreds of booby traps.
Police arrest Racial Commentator
Police: Arrest in NJ Walmart racial comment case, also for mocking obesity on ass size of customers.
Polygamist Imprisoned 75 Years
Member of Texas polygamist sect sentenced 75 years, one for each wife.
Health Care Bill Omits Obama Promises
Final health bill omits some of Obama's promises. For instance, it will only be half as good and cost three times as much. Other than that, pretty much the same.
Vatican Probe II
Pope blasts Irish bishops, orders Vatican probe. Opponents ask "Haven't these kids been probed enough?"
Obama appeals to Iranian people in Internet video which President Admaninejad has placed horns on his head.
Final Final Speech!
Obama making final health care pitch to House Dems, says he will make yet another final health care pitch tomorrow.
Vatican Orders Probes
Pope blasts Irish bishops, orders Vatican probes."Didn't realize previous probes were taking place."
Woods wood would
Tiger Woods has sensationally revealed how he manages to sleep with so many women - he has three penises.
Who cares about apathy?
Santa Cruz, CA UCSC Campus
Apathy is an obsession at UCSC. Researchers survey the level of apathy by asking: What is your level of apathy for an issue?: mild, moderate, or extreme apathy.
"Oh, your mother is not dead - I'm so sorry".
"I could do THAT" without research funding
Researchers have developed a device which distorts light making a lump of gold invisible
The San Andreas Fault Eagles
The Eagles 2010 Version: "The Shakin' And Quakin' Hotel California."
Deep Purple - The Smokin' Section Band
Deep Purple's 2010 Version: "Smoke On The Polluted Water."
Marvin Gaye's Grapevine
Marvin Gaye's 2010 Version: "I Heard It Through The Habanero Bush."
Elton John's Up, Up, and Away Song
Elton John's 2010 Version: "Viagra Rocket Man."
James Taylor's Oxymoron Song
James Taylor's 2010 Version: "Fire And Acid Rain."
Kim Delighted, The Wascal!
North Korea dedicates it's new nuclear facilities, The Bugs Bunny Project in honor of it's leader.
Simon & Gar, Not Up To Par
Simon & Garfunkle will do a new studio version update of their old, old hit, "Like An Enlarged Prostate Trying To Make Water".
"When I'm 67"
Not to be outdone, 67-year-old Sir Paul McCartney has re-released one of his old favorites, "Let It Pee"
Old Song From Old Movie
B.J. Thomas has re-released his hit from 'Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid', "Fake Mops Keep Falling Off My Head".
Melanie Does Two!
Melanie, who also redid "Longhandles In The Rain", decides to update her other big hit, "(You Got A)Brand New Knee".
Sir Elton John, Concerning The John
Sir Elton John to redo one of his golden oldies, "Bennie Can't Shit!"
The BeeGees, Take Two
The last two BeeGees are releasing some of their old favorites, including "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?"
Edwin Starr Tries Again
Edwin Starr, a one-hit wonder, redoes old hit song "Genital Warts! -What Are They Good For? Absolutely Nothing!
Simon & Gar, Not up To Par
Simon & Garfunkle will do a studio version update of the old, old hit, "Like An Enlarged Prostate Trying To Make Water".
More Transparency Needed
Stalkers, peeping toms demand more transparency in the Obama administration.
FOX Sharpest Attack Yet
FOXNews, in it's sharpest attack yet on Obama, launched more than a dozen pointy-toed high-heels at his speech in DC.
No One Expects The Obese Police
Obama's new Obese Police say there are pockets of trainee camps scattered all over the US South, Midwest!
Camry Gives Up Awards
The Toyota Camry has to hand in Awards for most stolen car over a 5-year period. Most believe now that they took off on their own.
Circus In DC
After seeing all the open bribes and payoffs to people and companies, American public say there's no way we can run out of crude.
Not Seen Since 2001 Letterman Show
"The Dancing Mullahs" to try and make a comeback on "Dancing With The Stars".
Internal Revenue Service (IRS) to Change Name
The IRS has asked Congress to change its name to the Internal Rectal Service as they may be involved in health care reform. They already are a pain in the ass to the American people!
Another OSHA Warning Label
OSHA has mandated that well endowed women's upper body clothing must have warning labels that read "Do Not Touch" or "Handle With Care."
New OSHA Warning Label
OSHA has mandated that men's pants front openings must have a warning label that reads "Danger Guided Muscle Inside."
OSHA Warning Label
OSHA has mandated that condom's must have a warning label that reads "May Contain Pinholes."
Congress has followed up on the EPA's toxicity concerns about pet flea and tick sprays causing minor injuries. An amendment to the health care reform bill recommends spraying the EPA!
EPA Warning Labels on Flea and Tick Medication
Woof, Woof, Meow, Meow! Translation: the vast majority of us pets are safe incurring only mild or minor injuries, but the EPA needs rabies shots or tranquilizers!
EPA doesn't have enough to do, needs to screw up new areas
EPA gets a few complaints about flea & tick sprays. ASPCA said only a few thousand dogs & cats are mildly injured by these sprays each year and there are over 150 million pet dogs & cats in the USA.
EPA Building Site Selection
The EPA has selected a building site for a training facility for another agency, without an environmental impact statement! A wetland, an endangered insect & contaminated ground water have been found!
President Obama and Governor Sarah Palin Agree
15,000 EPA employees will be moving to Alaska to increase the states job's base and income. Each EPA employee will be responsible for the protection of 10 Polar Bears in the wild, year round.
Watch my Ass
The America people believe House Speaker Pelosi is an arrogant Democratic liberal pompous ass! When the speaker leaves office she is donating her ass to the Smithsonian Institution.
After 50 years, the last vegan has disappeared, caused by eating only vegetables and Tofu. A new generation of carnivorous Meatgans has reappeared and has started eating cows, chickens and sheep.
Withholding water from farmers in the Central Valley of CA was to protect a fish! Somehow water magically became available when the local Congressmen agreed to support the health care reform bill.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!