Spoof news snippets from Thursday 18 March 2010
Mamplebury WI raised £23 towards the cost of coppicing the Verger's beard with their Gulliver Weekend.
Members managed to pin down visiting giant Lemuel Gulliver in 27 hours 32 minutes - beating the previous record set by Minchinhampton, Amberley & Box.
Cameron Attacked by "Tame" Hippo
Silent Bugler Adelbert Greubelberger "tests the boundaries of sound" in his new album, according to Vacuum Flange Quarterly.
In the album Greubelberger punctuates the 9 tracks with bursts of loud bugling.
Comet Sighting Imminent
Vernon Clunt, 47, of Clun, Shropshire, yesterday staked a claim as part-creator of favourite Kids' TV character Rumpletumple the Goblin.
"Basil Quavering did the voice, but I had a hand in the puppet's character. My left hand", claimed Clun.
Japanese Knotweed Threat to BBC HQ
Lancelot Mounteboy, the mincing TV Chef, created a new pudding on his TV Show Queen of Puddings last night. He named the dessert - a very dry concoction of plain biscuit and stale bread - "Nun's Twat".
Fuel Price Hike Fuels Fuel Price Hike
Effeminate TV Chef Lancelot Mounteboy, known as The Queen of Puddings, made a Spotted Dick on his TV show Queen of Puddings last night.
Hardimans Launch New Golfing Range
Len Blatt's new collection "Sigh of the Fen" reeks of the bleak East Anglian plains and their "sad tarpaulin skies". There are "consumptive churches" and "arthritic seagulls". Always, madness lurks in the "windmill's brokenbacked shadow".
French Lamb Off the Menu
with Victor Ludorum
Here is a Chateauneuf to taste and die. Les Badinettes 2005 has a nose bursting with rancid beef and old blood. On the palate, sewage battles with charred lamprey for a pyhrric supremacy.
Among the Herbs
Bishop's Rectum, dried and powdered, is known to dampen unwanted ardours. Mulatto's Nostril in a broth with goat's milk and Stinking Pissmire Vine is a great curb to the appetite. Agued priests swear by Schoolgirl's Navel.
Ombudsman Discovered in Omelette
Camp TV Chef Lancelot Mounteboy, known as "The Queen of Puddings", made a Queen of Puddings on his TV show The Queen of Puddings last night.
Not A Cure
Scientists say that electric shock from battery to a man's testicles can eliminate erectile dysfunction for six hours, consciousness for 24.
Be Better Prepared Next Year
Final figures on Black Friday late last year says the shops did pretty well, but Shoplifter's Saturday was even bigger.
No Democrats in Washington saying much about gate-crashers these days. They lost interest when they saw that Joe Biden wasn't on it either.
Smoking On the Increase Again
Smoking in U.S. back up again in 2010, due to legalized medical marijuana use.
"The Oral History of President Bill Clinton" now at the Clinton Library, behind counter at many bookstores.
Lobbyist Up Ante
Opponents of the President's health care bill say that lobbyists have added another 500 pages while they were arguing about it.
Porn To Wear Condoms #19
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "Revenge Of The Cock Sockers"
Puberty Makes You Thick!
Changes to brain during puberty 'make teenagers thick'...in more than one way.
Mugged Man The One Arrested
Student freed after being jailed for confronting gang that mugged HIM. "Their leader put in a good word for me", states victim.
Illegal Immigrant Backs Out
Illegal migrant gives up on plan to enter UK (while in Channel Tunnel) because it is 'racist' even after crowd informed him it was one of those crazy Toyotas.
Enough Is Enough
Vicar bans 'anti-Christian' exercise class Tai Chi, dancing Hare Krishna, Voodoo sacrifices from church hall.
Canadians rescued from grounded yacht in Galapagos after getting stuck on big turtle.
Arbeit Macht Frei thieves are sentenced to 3 years hard-labour, guess where? Auschwitz!
A Polish court has sentenced the thieves of the infamous sign to 3 years hard-labour in Auschwitz, duties of overseeing the sentence have been given to the Israeli SS, a very special honour, JAWOHL!
Porn To Wear Condoms #18
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "A Safety Tool For The Boy At The Pool"
Porn To Wear Condoms #17
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "Weiner Wrapper Seeking The Gapper"
Porn To Wear Condoms #16
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "Willie Warmers For The Gals Of Farmers"
Porn To Wear Condoms #15
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "Love Gloves For The Fuzz!"
Porn To Wear Condoms #14
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "Johnny Bags For Flaming Fags"
Porn To Wear Condoms #13
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "Wearing a Hat To Go See The Cat"
Porn To Wear Condoms #12
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "Hoody, And The Blowfish Goody"
Porn To Wear Condoms #11
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "Venus Shirt Before Lifting Skirt"
Porn To Wear Condoms #10
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "A Raincoat Before The Big Jolt"
Porn Must Wear Condoms #9
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "Wet Suits For Puss-In-Boots"
Porn To Wear Condoms #8
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "A Silky Sheath For Peter McBeef"
Porn To Wear Condoms #7
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "A Brand New Goalie To Protect The Polie & The Holie"
Local Man Bets on Horse
...Betting shop refuses him entry until he dismounts and gives it a carrot.
Porn To Wear Condoms #6
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, ""A Bullet-Proof Vest For The Bird In The Nest"
Local Jogger Looses Fifty Pounds
..the money tumbled out his trouser pockets while he pranced about like a sweaty knob.
Porn To Wear Condoms #5
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "Rubber Magic For Rod The Gadget"
Exotic Sponsored Walks for the Blind Fraud Discovered
...unscrupulous con-men had made them walk up and down the stairs a hundred times and told them they were in actually Peru.
A Los Angeles teen is being ostracized by his fellow skateboarders for never having broken a bone. He says he's not a bad skater, and frequently does rad tricks, but just can't seem to ever get hurt.
Porn To Wear Condoms #4
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "A Rubber Straight Jacket For Mad Johnny One-Eye"
Porn To Wear Condoms #3
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "A Lamb Skin For The Laying Hen"
Writing Spoof Snippets Is Much easier than Wasting Time on Full Stories
...or so claims man who only recently began writing spoof snippets on this site. Give him a week and then we'll see...
Porn To Wear Condoms #2
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "A Battle Helmet For The Honker"
Cats are 10-times more likely to Piss in your Shoe
Dogs prefer leaving more substantial 'gifts'.
Rod Stewert Gets Long-Awaited Answer
No, you are not sexy and no, we do not want your body.
Jihad Jane never had sex with Bin Laden, she did give him a perfect "cyber Clinton" though!
Jihad Jane flatly denies having sex with exiled caveman Bin Laden, she does admit to giving him a "cyber blow job" though, after all she is one of them so why not "suck up" to him!
Bernake Defends His Tenure
Fed. chairman Ben Bernake says economy is fixed, and uses youtube videos of people playing with coins as evidence. He claims "since they have 2 nickels to rub together, they're not so poor afterall."
Pulled under trades description act
fish fingers, as it is claimed that there are no fishes fingers in fish fingers
Porn To Wear Condoms
Safety board to weigh requiring condoms in porn movies. To begin with, "A Hat For Little Joe".
California Smoking Ban
California considers smoking ban at all state parks. "How the ^&*%%^ are we to cook?", ask campers.
Smokey Objects To Smoke Ban
California considers smoking ban at all state parks. Smokey The bear objects. "No bears have the habit. Got more sense!"
No To Pens!
Pelosi: GOP, insurers ready to attack health bill as Walgreens drops any new medicare patients, doctors threaten strike, no more free ink pens from drug suppliers.
Long Range View
Clinton calls Israel rift a challenge. She will take a time machine back 4,000 years and talk with Ishmael and Isaaac.
Demolition Penis Sought?
More demolition penises sought! I'm sorry, that should be, more demolition permits sought.
Kraft mac & cheese, Morton Salt, other foods are about to get less salty.
World's Oldest Dog!
Study shows Aussie dingo may be world's oldest dog. Joey Dingleberry will be 102 in September.
Reason for Glenn Beck's Wildness Discovered
Glenn Beck was arrested outside a Chucky Cheese for possession of crystal meth. When the DEA agents searched him, besides the meth, they found nothing else in his pockets but knives and lint.
Red Schwartz Alert
Starbug 1 has landed in Llanishen Reservoir - it has an invisibility cloak on binary 1, local residents asked not to enter the reservoir.
Over 100 Gangs In LA Now
Another gang war in Los Angeles as the Out-Of-Work Postal Employees mix it up with the Baby Hueys From Hades!
Some Fargo residents refuse to move despite floods, including Steve Buscemi, who refuses to leave his wood chipper!
Bullock loses Boll*cks
Sandra Bullock has lost her boll*cks to rival "beauty" Bombshell McGee, who said "what can I say, she just ain't dirty enough"
Time on their hands?
ex Welsh Assembly auditor allegedly had 419 indecent photos on his Welsh Assembly office computer
'Anyone seen Oscar?'
Prospective Oscar Winners want to keep their marriages in 'safe harbour'
Page 3 girl suspended
A popular page 3 girl has been suspended after suspitions she has more than one brain cell. She is currently undertaking tests to prove she does have just the one cell.
Obama Staying Loose
How does the President keep loose during all the fights over health care? Two words: Beer conferences.
This is sad
Sandra Bullock who hails from Arlington, Virginia pulls out of London gig after hubby cheat claims - "When ur up ur up, and when ur down, ur are really down". Forget that luv cheat, come back home!
The reason First Lady Michelle Obama hasn't been seen much since her TV appearance & determination to get our youth into shape: Hula Hoop chafing!
Lindsay Lohan wants her first kid in India
"I want lots of babies in India", said her agent. When asked about Lindsay Lohan, "Oh, her too."
All UK pubs to close on Sunday night.
Most will reopen on Monday afternoon.
A dick for a brain - no, not an Assembly Member - not 'this time'
Forget that idiot. "What was he thinking?" In the words of FYC: "Sandra Come Home".
Sandra Bullock: Arlington, VA wants you back
"To give you some luving" (Bad Company line - I think). Come back to Arlington Sandra - "We want you back". (Line from some song almost forgotten)
Welsh Assembly AMs want to keep over one million tons of water behind an earth dam atop a hill above a Welsh school with over 100 kids.
"Welsh Economy in Tatters"
At the bottom of the UK economic barrel. A GVA rating that is bad bad and not one Welsh university in the world's top 100 ranked universities - while Scotland has three.
Cardiff Welsh Assembly Minister talks nonsense
Lesley Griffiths, AM. About the only thing "AM" about this minister is her alarm clock.
"My Kind of Girl"
Got to feel for Sandra Bullock - her hubby has metaphorically ripped her guts out. It's up to Sandra if she wants hubby to put them back in again.
Abuse Victims Of Priests #2
Bavarian bishops pray for abuse victims, past, present and future.
Abuse Victims Of Priests
Bavarian bishops pray for abuse victims, who were lured by the use of Bavarian Long Johns by priests.
Mideast Peace Lasts 12 Hours
Israeli medics: Man killed by Gaza rocket. We have returned fire with single daisy-cutter!
Porsche Most Dependable
Porsche takes top spot in dependability study. You can depend upon it costing you an arm & a leg.
Not Lucky At All
Scientists visiting Northern Ireland for St. Patrick's Day informs citizens there that eating the 'Green Snow" not helathy as it is from the wee folk alright, your neighbor's kids.
Password Stealing Virus
New password-stealing virus targets Facebook. For instance, yours is "pogopossum".
The Seven Ways
7 Ways to Raise Your Risk of Stroke where you will lie in the hospital fed and diapered for the next 40 years if your blood pressure increases...like right now.
Jihad Jane In Philly
'Jihad Jane' due in federal court in Philadelphia. Will face chief witness, G I Joe.
BA Cabin Crew Revolt
BA cabin crew revolt...almost everyone else in the world!
Clinton In Moscow
Clinton in Moscow for Mideast, nuclear arms talks. Will next go to the Middle East to talk with Russians.
More Jobs Created
Obama to sign bill to spur job growth in South. (Hint: The spurs are on angry roosters).
Space Station Astronauts Make Frigid Landing in Soyuz Spacecraft as Russians accidentally land them on Mars.
Michael's Chimp, Bubbles #8
Some big surprises in newly published Bubbles Autobiography that he signed to translator: Messed up Jackson once sent him to Mennonite Computer Camp to learn to write Shakespeare.
Michael's Chimp, Bunnles #7
Some big surprises in newly published Bubbles Autobiography that he signed to translator:Once wore Groucho mask for month before Lisa Marie finally asked, "Michael, Bubbles looks different somehow."
Michael's Chimp, Bubbles #6
Some big surprises in newly published Bubbles Autobiography that he signed to translator: More than once saw Michael shoot out TV screen when Prince came on.
Bubbles, Michael's Chimp #5
Some big surprises in newly published Bubbles Autobiography that he signed to translator: Koko the signing gorilla: Gay as a wart hog!
Michael's Chimp Bubbles #4
Some big surprises in newly published Bubbles Autobiography that he signed to translator: Was once married to Elizabeth Taylor, who was a little too fond of Michael.
Bubbles, Michael's Chimp #3
Some big surprises in newly published Bubbles Autobiography that he signed to translator: Favorite pastime, playing with 'Little Bubbles' as Michael instructed.
Bubbles, Michael's Chimp #2
Some big surprises in newly published Bubbles Autobiography that he signed to translator: His monkey's uncle on his mother's side once met Cheetah.
Bubbles, Michael's Chimp
Some big surprises in newly published Bubbles Autobiography that he signed to translator: His full name? "Prince Bubbles"
March Madness #6
March Madness begins as you haven't washed your lucky underwear for two weeks and you messed in them the first week when one of your players slammed dunked the winning shot!
March Madness Begins #5
March madness begins as over 1,000 newborns named Bobby Knight, Adolf Rupp, John Wooden and Dean Smith.
March Madness #4
March Madness begins as you round up 9 other workers to go to the gym to recreate that winning last second shot last night.
March Madness Begins #3
March Madness begins as former Vice President Cheney shoots still another dumb hunting buddy in the face.
March Madness #2
March Madness begins with Secretary of State Hillary makes attempt at peace in the Middle East.
March Madness begins with President making a speech on healthcare on FOX!
Recall Of High Chairs
Gov't orders recall of 1.2 million high chairs as Dennis Kucinich gets stuck in his at White House luncheon.
Kraft Cutting Back On Salt
Kraft to cut salt in its North American foods. Replace it with MSG, nitrates, tobacco.
"There, There Now!"
Obama argues for health care effort on Fox News. Will spend today by being soothed by Reid, Biden and Pelosi.
Hurries Back To Henhouse.
Obama argues for health care effort on Fox News, gets outfoxed.
New password-stealing virus targets Facebook. For instance, the President's is "Healthcare".
Seven Risks From Stroke
7 Ways to Raise Your Risk of Stroke: #1. By scaring yourself shitless by ready this list.
Clinton In Wrong Place
Clinton in Moscow for Mideast, nuclear arms talks. She apologizes. "I was supposed to be in the Mideast."
Bogus Job Spur!
Obama to sign bill to spur job growth by creating new government programs that will be financed in the future by great grandchildren.
Long, Long Battle
Lawmakers struggle to finish health overhaul bill as states, phrmacies get ready to sue.
House: The Lost Episode
In an unaired episode, House attempts to cure entire healthcare system by transplanting one of Dick Cheney's testicles the Obama. The testicle was obtained during Cheney's recent hospitalization.
Barack the drug store man
US President, Barack Obama, will resign Friday at noon to go into business as a pharmacist at a drug store.He say its easier than trying to implement universal health care. Oh my giddy aunt Barry!
Bullock , once a winner, now losing.
Sandra Bullock, recent Oscar Best Actress winner, has had her statuette taken off her by the Academy for inappropriate dress sense at the Oscar after party. A spokesman said she looked terrible. Oohh!
Obama hotfooting it from Whitehouse
Barack Obama will resign the US Presidency effective noon tomorrow. He blames his advisers who told him on day one that he would be a winner. He now patently disbelieves them and will go fishing.
We Stand Behind You Joe...Way Behind You!
"I've read the whole new health care bill and it's a good thing", according to anonymous source & quoted by Joe Biden.
Iraq Almost Ready
President Obama says that he just needs to pull a few more strings and puppet government in Iraq will be ready.
"You Leave Daffy Duck Alone!"
President Obama may withdraw troops from South Korea. "There's nothing to fear there in you will simply dress troops near border as cartoon characters."
Male Prostitute Strike!
New male prostitutes in Las Vegas strike, demanding equal pay for equal play!
Ben Franklin's Gone
The US Senate and House passed a bill today replacing Ben Franklin's face on $100 bill with that of Barack Obama. That just happens to be what Obama's brother makes a year in Kenya.
Cartoon Revelations #14
Mates of famous cartoon characters tell about how they behave at home: Mrs Sally Smurf: John Smurf is a fine man but if you ever drop that blue pill, you're screwed. Or, rather, not screwed."
Cartoon Revelations #13
Mates of cartoon characters tell about how they behave at home: Mrs Kool-Aid: Oh he's usually cool enough, but you'd never believe what's going on in these other apartments when he goes thru the wall!
Cartoon Revelations #12
Mates of famous cartoon characters tell about how they behave at home: Mrs Magoo: ""You'll never hear me complaining about, 'Oh, Magoo, You've done her again.' unless it's from the empty bedroom.
Cartoon Revelations #11
Mates of famous cartoon characters tell about how they behave at home: Mrs Jughead: "I've always preferred a big old head!"
Cartoon Revelations #10
Mates of famous cartoon characters tell about how they behave at home: Mrs Fudd: "That old wascal just had to find the right hole to shoot!"
Cartoon Revelations #9
Mates of famous cartoon characters tell about how they behave at home: "Mrs Charlie Brown: "Ever since he saw I wasn't going to pull it away at the last minute, he's been kicking it all night."
Cartoon Revelations #8
Mates of famous cartoon characters tell about how they behave at home: Mrs. Woodpecker: "Oh Woody has the wood alright. I just wish he would drop that silly laugh at the end."
Cartoon Revelation #7A
Mates of famous cartoon characters tell about how they behave at home: Olive Oyl: "Brutus IS big but can't match Popeye once he downs that spinach!"
Cartoon Revelations #7
Mates of famous cartoon characters tell about how they behave at home: Mrs Popeye, Olive Oyl: "You call him Popeye, I call him Old One-Eye!"
LONE RANGER: I just bought a Toyota Prius with the money House Speaker Pelosi says I will save on health care insurance! TONTO: Washington still speaks with forked tongue and is now joined by Tokyo!
New Government Employee Travel Restrictions
A Congressional bill prevents government employees watching PORN on pay TV, paid for by the government, while traveling. PORN paid with the employee's own money is deemed OK!
CBO Scoring of Government Employee PORN Restrictions
PORN paid with government employee's own money, while they are travelling, has been assessed by the CBO as saving the government $5 trillion to pay down the national debt!
Climate Change Effects
Former VP Al Gore indicates that by the year 2035 men and women will have both sex organs as a result of climate change! The expression "go screw yourself Al" will take on a whole new meaning!
Lawsuit Filed to get Drone Missile Strike Information
President Obama promised to deliver the pertinent information to the ACLU at 1700 GMT. The drones carrying the pertinent information should be arriving at ACLU headquarters just about now!
Senior Revolutionaries Nabbed by the FBI
Che Ginsberg, Fidel O'Donnell and Hugo Salvadore threw Knishes, boiled potatoes and Cannoli at President Obama's limousine, to protest the cuts in Medicare and Medicare Advantage!
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!