Spoof news snippets from Saturday 13 March 2010
Flowering Of Democracy
United States attempt to flower democracy around the world running into poppy growers in Afghanistan.
Daylight Savings Time a Waste of Time
So says Betty Chew of Boonville, Missouri, exasperated clock enthusiast who only recently finished adjusting the last of her extensive collection of memorable timepieces to the previous time change.
Late Football Results
Good news for Scorpio. A tall Malay in armour will bring something for the herb garden. For Saggitarians who have been obsessed about Canada Geese and isinglass, a padded room is indicated.
with Victor Ludorum
The 1978 is a challenging St Puillian. The palate is strawberry and pencil-shavings, shot with lime and ground-glass . A cat-litter nose is characteristic.
The Treasure Hunt at Whymple-with-Pissmyre went well. The 3 Lungeworthy Sisters won. They discovered the head of the Bishop of Rottinghurst in a dungheap at Ditchthwaite.
Larry King Confession
Larry King confesses that he was once the voice of the Coocoo For Cocoa Puffs bird!
Top Musical Selections From All The John Wayne Movies" canceled by Cable Network Radio.
Pillows full of rats
Wardrobes gorged with writhing eels
My corpse on the bed
All Static Channel Gone!
"The All Static For People With Tinnitus" drops off the air once people found they can get that free by leaving radio between stations.
Cable Radio #3
"All-Time Rock Favorites On 100 Bagpipes" the latest to drop off The Cable Radio Network.
Cable Radio #2
"The Lush Rimbald Old Buddy's Drunk Show" the latest victim of Cable Radio Network.
Radio Shows Hurting
"Banjos For Lovers" the latest to fall from the Cable Radio Network.
Around the WIs
Nidderbridge & Clympting hosted a Find the Vicar evening. It was 11:45 before Reverend Numpeter was found in Mrs Quagmire's giant Queen of Puddings.
with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
Yonder dying sunset sky, blood-orange smeared, caked with firecoal cloudbanks, reeks of pain.
I want to drive this skewer through my eye.
But all I do is stare at yonder sky.
What the Romans Did for Fun
For Capricorns this is a challenging time, with asteroids moving through Uranus. For Librans, strangers with harpsichords and false ears are indicated. It is a good time for Gemini to caulk a coracle.
Linguini's new film Dead Alive concerns a critically-ill woman who falls asleep and dreams that she is being born. In her dream, she wakes up during birth, to find that she is actually dying. The she really awakens. Or does she?
Thousands of struggling bank customers will be connected to Indian call centres while more affluent account holders will get one in Britain. TheSpoof writers will only get a buzzing noise.
Bernanke Warning #7
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warns bank customers to keep a lookout for signs that it may be closing, such as: Free "I'm Screwed" helium balloon with the opening of every new account!
Bernanke Warning #6
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warns bank customers to keep a lookout for signs that it may be closing, such as: "You'll have to also sign on the bank, Sir. Hey, who has the pen?"
Bernanke Warning #5
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warns bank customers to keep a lookout for signs that it may be closing, such as: "You spot several of their office workers also working at WallyMart."
Bernanke Warning #4
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warns bank customers to keep a lookout for signs that it may be closing, such as: "You overhear one teller telling another, 'That frog dumpling recipe was wonderful."
Bernanke Warning #3
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warns bank customers to keep a lookout for signs that it may be closing, such as: "When the loan officer goes to the vault, she comes back with a bottle of water."
Bernanke Warning #2
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warns bank customers to keep a lookout for signs that it may be closing, such as "Kid all get a free rock."
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warns bank customers to keep a lookout for signs that it may be closing, such as: "The teller has to check with the manager before they cash your twenty."
No Lack Of Vision
President Obama lays out his vision of the rest of his four-year term. "Health Care Bill".
Blood Pressure Special: 5 Minutes, $15
Occasionally high blood pressure may be a greater indicator of stroke risk than consistently high readings, researchers say. Urge self-paying patients to come in twice weekly.
Acheiving A Single Whammy
Obese drinkers face liver 'double whammy' as many turning to light beer.
Let Me Rephrase That
Former NASA astronauts who went to the Moon have told the BBC of their dismay at President Barack Obama's decision to push back further Moon missions. "One Kick In The Ass For Mankind!"
Former NASA astronauts who went to the Moon have told the BBC of their dismay at President Barack Obama's decision to push back further Moon missions. "Stamping a few stamps there would pay for them".
Former NASA astronauts who went to the Moon have told the BBC of their dismay at President Barack Obama's decision to push back further Moon missions. "Especially with today's special effects."
Could Be Record?
Kentucky man credits "Pure Orange Citrus Mist" and wife's sinus condition for being able to wear the same pair of underwear for six years.
Penis Band Breaks Up
The "Ancient Chinese Penis Band" is breaking up over religious differences says former lead singer.
Mel Shows Finally Shows Up
Problems with Ivory, drunk Mel Gibson and bluefin tuna top agenda at UN wildlife summit. Mel acts as spokesman for the three. "It's those Jews!"
Savannah, Ga., square destroyed in 1950s reopens as suits launched over builders taking 60 years to finish it.
With Jay Leno's ratings jump, Letterman may have to resort to having chin implants.
Women On The Pill
Women on the pill may have longer livers. I'm sorry, that should have read, 'live longer'.
Endangered listing eyed for US loggerhead turtles, Democrats, Republicans.
Endangered listing eyed for US loggerhead turtles, but you can't get that fact through their thick skulls.
Deforestation Boosts Morale
Meeting on deforestation boosts morale, budget, encourage tree-sitters with bad bladders, suffering from the runs.
Chinese Bid On Railroads
China to bid on US high-speed rail projects. Say they built most of the tracks in US and Canada during 1800's.
NYC: Taxi drivers overcharged riders by $8.3M-plus. One rider charged $100,000 for trip from Manhattan Upper East to Airport especially upset.
Second Place Declared Winner
Prius that won NASCAR event yesterday wasn't in it. Panicked driver off street figured it was better to run runaway car into race until he could stop it or run out of gas.
Latest On Runaways
Runaway Prius case presents nagging questions, also suggestions from mother=in-law from the back seat.
US Avoids Abortion Debate
US avoids anti-abortion debate at UN meeting by placeing fingers in their ears and humming.
Israel, Palestinians Break Truce
Israeli troops, Palestinians clash near Jerusalem, for the first time in six hours.
Iraq's Pm Leading
Iraq's PM leads in early Baghdad vote count, 118,657 to 2.
Life-Enabling Molecules Spotted in Orion Nebula but Martian scientists say not to expect too much.
Vienna Sausage Scandal?
Vienna Boys Choir admits there possibly have been sexual abuses.
But Still Ugly After 80
Study: Women on the pill live longer, especially the new Methuselah pill.
NASCAR wreck shows how ratings, runaway Toyotas can edge out safety.
Utah A Conservative State
GOP leader's 'skinny-dip of 25-years ago' confession stuns Utah. Also report that one Senator played marbles for pennies 40 years ago!
Big Toe Doctors?
Senators resist Obama over projects in health bill. For instance, having a specialist to attend to each separate toe.
No More Slings
Infant deaths prompt gov't warning on slings. All baby launchers recalled.
Limbaugh To Costa Rica
Why Rush Limbaugh would go to Costa Rica if Obama's healthcare plan passes. "Just being different", say liberals. Most of us will head for India.
Experts: Important For Some Reason
The chemical fingerprints of potentially life-building molecules have been detected in the Orion nebula by Europe's Herschel Space Observatory probably mean something say experts.
Mom says daughter held in Ireland in terror plot to kill Swedish cartoonist, all the crazies on TheSpoof.
Medical Civil War
Senators resist Obama over projects in health bill, such as no health care for Republicans, Independents.
Katie Price not the smartest.
Katie Price is not the smartest girl that ever you knew
she had to take off her jumper to count up to two.
James Brown's Body no longer lies a mold'ring in its grave
Soul Singer James Brown's body no longer lies a mold'ring in its grave but his soul goes marching on.
No Longer On Jeopardy #18
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "Name That Asshole"
No Longer On Jeopardy #17
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "Famous Groin Pulls In Sports & Sex"
No Longer On Jeopardy #16
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "All About Caca"
Postman Pat demands Postal vote
Postman Pat has demanded a Postal vote in the next General election because he is to busy delivering all the letters as quickly as he can to have time to go and vote.
Nature Takes Its Course
Chooses Ascot. Aintree too downmarket. Newmarket too upmarket.
Taliban Ranked Lowest in Customer Satisfaction
According to a new survey the Taliban are ranked lowest among leading terrorist organizations in customer satisfaction. Mainly due to their slow response rate on customer complaints.
Does She Just Wanna Have Fun?
Cyndi Lauper, that is, on "Celebrity Apprentice," beginning Sunday night.
Conservative Curriculum Approved for Schools in Texas
And students are now required to bring guns to school.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Its Fleece Was White as Snow
And everywhere that Mary went . . . bored the heck out of the lamb, so he stayed home and watched "Animal Planet" on TV.
Twitter now offers a Location-Sharing Feature
"Ain't technology great," remarks one home burglar to another.
Red Tape Shortage
Handiwork Inc running short of red tape due to so much red tape fouling up system.
Home Security Warning!
US Government taking over nations health care system threat level upped to red!
No Longer On Jeopardy #15
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "Greatest Hits Of Buster Hyman & The Penetrators"
No Longer On Jeopardy #14
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "Famous Head Librarians Of Beaver Lick, Kentucky".
No Longer On Jeopardy #13
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "Hitler's Favorite Charities"
No Longer On Jeopardy #12
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "How Long WAS His Penis?"
No Longer On Jeopardy #11
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "All About Arsenic, New Mexico"
Washington Morons are not a Baseball Team
FEMA sells off Hurricane Katrina trailers tainted with formaldehyde! This explains why 57% of the American people don't trust Congress and bureaucrats to establish a meaningful health care program.
Some Days You get the Bear
Zero population groups point to the town of Ding-Dong Alaska as proof their programs work. No human babies have been born here, as the population is all male, but there are 500 new Polar Bear cubs!
Environmentalists want the government to ban s**t until scientists find a way to recycle it into food, "green" energy, clothing & other useful products. Congress plans to hold hearings on the matter!
New Standardized School Curriculum Errata
A correction was made to the idea of 6th graders reading Plato, as it should have been Play Dough!
More about New Green Jobs
Environmentalists propose creating 150 million new federal jobs to save trees. Toilet Paper Agency (TPA) agents will be responsible to ensure each household member only uses one sheet per sitting.
House and Senate Debate on Health Care Reconciliation
The Senate bill is just like the House bill. "Is too, Is not, Is too…………………!"
Health Care Reform Deadline Pool
You may already be a winner! Just like basketball, play the "day late spread" with respect to March 18, 2010. Send your entry to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Leftover funds will go to pay the national debt.
Why Legislators have Low Approval Ratings
The NY State legislator who wants to mandate that restaurants don't use salt has been sentenced to 20 years working in a salt mine. It seems he overlooked a document called the US Constitution!
Texting and Driving
A new state law mandates that if you are caught texting and driving you will lose a digit for each offense! NOW is suing, as this law still doesn't make the ladies feel any better.
Pain-in-the Arse "Anti-Trust" Law
President Obama calls for Congress to pass a PIA "anti-trust" law that includes political activists, lawyers, big corporations and unions, lobbyists, PETA, ACLU, environmentalists and the food police.
No More Earmarks?
House Speaker Pelosi (Moses) says she is eliminating no-bid contract earmarks (golden idol) in House initiated legislation. Start building the Ark the flood is coming!
New Invention Pilot Program
Employing the same technology used in the new airport scanners, some airport unisex restrooms are equipped with toilet seats that raise and lower themselves according to the sex of the occupant.
Religious Discrimination Suit
The Church of Nudity, Debauchery & Obsessive Masochism (CONDOM) is suing the government for religious discrimination. A sacred vending machine was removed from the men's room in a public building.
The ACLU is fighting to let stand the removal of the Church of Nudity, Debauchery & Obsessive Masochism's (CONDOM) sacred vending machine from the men's room in a public building.
Impeachment for the Arrogant Demigogs
King Obama I, Empress Pelosi & Court Witch Slaughter need to be impeached for un-Constitutional behavior! They are trying to dictatorially pass a health care bill 57% of the American people reject!
Hell on Earth
An island exists where the environmentalists, animal rights groups & food police are in control. You can't walk on the grass, or eat meat, fast food, salt & fat only Tofu! The place is called Hell.
Food Police Executive Caught in Fast Food Restaurant
Mr. Hypocrite while being dragged out eating several double cheeseburgers and fries said "President Obama can smoke and drink while Health and Human Services rails against alcohol and obesity!"
Divorce Rate among Environmentalists Soars
A new study finds that environmentalist's divorce rate is rising because they tend to marry Vegans. Available data confirms the primary cause is that vegetarians will not eat any meat!
Congress to Move
The Washington DC City Council has asked Congress to move to another location. The council indicates Congress's 20% approval rating is keeping tourists away from the city and that's bad for business!
Are We Screwed up, or What?
ENVIRONMENTALIST 1: Stop soil erosion! HOMEOWNER: Not a problem, I use lawn fertilizer containing Phosphorous. ENVIRONMENTALIST 2: No Phosphorous as it causes river alga growth via run-off water!
A Likely Story
Congressman Massa now claims that the president's chief of staff was really on his way to see House Speaker Pelosi, but took a wrong turn!
Mistake in science book sends sex starved teens to their microscopes
The typo has all the kids scrambling to look at all of the one celled "micro-orgasms."
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