Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 10 March 2010
Showers in Dallas Cowboys Locker Rooms Break Down
Players try to shower with the cheerleaders, but are told that even they don't make enough to score with those girls.
Presidential Limo covered in bird poo after being parked under tree
I guess the pigeons don't like Obama either.
Corey Feldman on Suicide Watch After Corey Haim's Death
Mutual friend says "they did everything together."
Corey Haim Found Dead
Academy Awards says that they'll probably include him in next years bio, since "he did more drugs than Ledger and we're tired of the Farrah flack."
No Parades Here
New York City says it has outsourced it's Labor Day Parade to China for 2010.
Opera of Anne Nicole Smith promises to be a "raging FULL MONTY"!
The ROH in London is showing an Opera about the life of ex-stripper, playboy pin-up and BILLIONAIRE BONKER Anne Nicole Smith, the soprano playing Anne has promised to BARE IT ALL and there's plenty!
England's goalkeeper praised
Ron Commentator has praised Bob Keeper after he was chosen as England goalie for this year's World Cup. He said, "he has the agility of Jennings, the reach of Banks and the consistency of Seaman."
Oldest woman on the planet is mystery Spoof writers Granny not a Georgian Hag!
Claims that a boozing Georgian Hag is the oldest women on the planet are false, a Spoof writer claims his Granny is the oldest, "she was 80 when I nailed her to the rocking chair 50 years ago!"
Help The Needy Appeal
Zebu, a blind 5 year old orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only 1 leg on a bike with buckled wheels & no brakes.Give just a small donation of $2 & we'll send you the clip.It's hilarious.
Nessy Kindnapped from Loch
"Yes it's true Nessy has been kidnapped - Nessynapped - from the Loch," confirmed Nessy's Minder Dennis Waterman. Further details are available in the News Section of The Spoof.
Leave It Out!
Robert Pattinson objects to using line in the next Twilight Movie, "Why, here comes my good bloody, now!"
Got One Customer
Girl Scouts say that their latest cookie, "Maple Liver" sold only the 1,000 boxes at Mr. Hannibal's house.
One Foul Cookie
Girl Scouts say that their latest cookie, "Sweet Shit On A Shingle" not selling well.
Girl Scouts Need Help
Girl Scouts say that their latest cookie, "Nose Pudd" not selling well at all.
New Taliban Dialogue
President Obama says he would open u[ a dialogue with the Taliban leadership, especially now that no Republican will speak to me."
"I Sho Has"
In his first year as President, expert says Obama has turned completely around the Bush Vocabulary Era.
Girls Stuck With Big Buns
Girl Scouts say that their latest cookie, "Kirstie Buns" were not a big seller.
He Was One Cool Dude
Surprise find at Ghandi's second home with ten pounds of prime Mary Jane found under the mattress of nails.
New Cookies Didn't Sell
Girl Scouts say that their latest cookie "Meringue-alang a-ding dong" did not sell well at all.
Bush: Never Thought Of It!
President, Congress, Senate all agree that the idea of printing a few trillion dollar bills might just come in handy.
New On Fox
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled, "Bridget, Who Was It This Time?"
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "From My New Home, I Can See The Presidency!"
Jackson Alias #25
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Dick Short.
Hubba Hubba, Better Be Quick!
The Hubble Telescope still hasn't discovered an earth-like planet that hasn't blown itself up yet.
Jackson Alias #24
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Stu Pidd.
Jackson Alias #23
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Tyron Shulaces.
Helping Haiti charity single 'really not helping' says Haitian president
Haitian president Rene Preval has spoken of the monumental task facing his people in rebuilding Haiti's shattered country whilst having to 'listen to that fucking awful song every five minutes'.
Brown Claims He Save Britain
Brown claims his 'sufficiently impatient and strong-willed' character helped Britain avoid a worse depression...recession!
Tesco Names Dropouts!
They can't read, can't write, got the brain of a pin-head and think the world owes them a living: Tesco director's damning verdict on Britain's school-leavers
Residents who fled Angolan village invaded by elephants come back as they are told it's an American Tour group.
Smithsonian Receives Donations
Michelle Obama donates ball gown, Vice President Joe Biden to Smithsonian
Letterman Case Over
Letterman: Case against producer, his own fondling of female staff, handled properly.
Guitar Game Advances
On latest guitar game, players strum real strings. Also, with $10 more, you get dummy guitar to destroy after concert!
Getting More Detalied
Google adds bike lane, path kids take to Aunt Sarah's house in Montana, with latest mapping feature
Earthquake Damage Still Coming In
As Chile shook, cities rolled to the west a bit, while in the US, liberals moved to the left also.
Robot Lost At Sea?
Pioneering Mass. robot lost at sea off Chile coast. "Was acting pretty shook-up right after earthquake.
Curbing derivatives might hurt, not help, Greece. Depending upon what 'curbing derivatives' means.
Chinese Exports Jump
China February exports jump 45.7 percent, with lead still being number one.
Stocks Are Flat
In economic news: World stocks flat but pound takes another pounding.
It's Replaced "Global Warming"
Supreme Court Justice Roberts: Scene at State of Union 'very troubling', with Obama mentioning health care bill nearly 100 times.
Calif. jury recommends death for serial killer. He will probably be sent on a one-way Toyota drive across the desert.
President Obama's team - 'not on team' with the 'special relationship'
Obama: "I agree with the Welsh Assembly, Get out of the Falklands".
Some Troops Leaving
Gates: Some troops could leave Afghanistan early...or as soon as replacements arrive.
Toyotas Tearing Up The Road
After still another runaway Toyota yesterday, Japan company considering throw-out anchor attachment.
Welsh Assembly Government - no backbone whatsoever favours British pull out from the Falklands
Never mind the job bonanza that could come to Wales - oh no, WAG would sooner turn turkey and run with their tails between their legs.
Taliban Receive Own Grenade
Soldier tells how he threw back Taliban grenade. "You see, I had been watching how Peyton Manning had held a football, so that was the grip I used, and it worked."
Israel apologizes for embarrassing Biden. Biden: "You mean this time I didn't embarrass myself?"
Welsh Assembly Government - a 'joke a minute'
In contrast to the UK government who carried on business as usual after a bomb attack on the Cabinet - the WAG shuts down for a day because their civil servants throw a tantrum.
Runaway Prius driver: Brakes, soles of my shoes, were 'almost burned'
Now It's Papaya
Researchers back cancer-fighting properties of papaya as new cure discovered every day but people still dying.
Large Hadron Collider 'to shut down for a year'
The reason this time? A flock of sea-gulls crapping on it? Nope, just made with bad parts.
Scared To Death?
Egypt's top Muslim cleric dies of heart attack after visit from ancient mummy.
News From The Pits
AP-GfK Poll: Obama more popular than Congress. Simon Cowell one point ahead of congress.
Congress Bottoms Out
AP-GfK Poll: Obama more popular than Congress. Hitler more popular than congress for that matter.
The bottom line
MOD: "a dead serving soldier is cheaper than an injured squaddie who needs medivac, expensive hospital treatment and pension thereafter - hence the MOD's fondness for IED vulnerable "snatch rovers".
British MOD version of "value for money"
"We believe strongly in 'on the job training' - it's just, 'gosh darn it', unfortunate if our fresh Army recruits get it on their first outing to Afghanistan".
"Banks may have to disclose the number of employees who earn £500,000"
"What a relief" said one banker who earns £499,999 at one bank and £499,999 at another bank.
New Hawaiian "Island of misfit toys", pops up after quake
Evidently, a sub-ocean vent opened up and thrust the new and interesting island above the ocean's surface.
French flustered over flummoxed failure of Greek E.U. fealty
"Sacre Bleu!" Our beloved union!
Somali pirates board cruise ship, force way to head of buffet line
Its no wonder, it being Wednesday, "Crabaganza Nite!"
Obama says: What was I thinking ? Hillary would have made a much better president!
"Its now obvious", said the President,"with her ability to manage global problems, I was a fool to even think I could do the job better than her!"
Hillary and Streisand to face off in Cage fight 'Battle Royale'
The world waits on pins and needles for the decisive outcome of this once in a century fight to the finish! Who will be the most " Woman of many talents"?
The Rarest Photo of Janis Joplin Ever
A niece of Janis Joplin has reportedly found an extremely rare photo of her aunt. The photo shows Joplin on stage singing without a bottle of Southern Comfort in her hand.
Shakira's Latest Addition To Her Rock and Roll Memorabilia Collection
Shakira, a collector of rock and roll memorabilia has purchased a copy of the April 1972 Rolling Stone Magazine which focused on the band Blue Floyd, who would later change their name to Pink Floyd.
Chilean earthquake shifts Greece out of EU, solves financial problems
Not only did the quake shift the Earth's day length measurement, it inadvertently fixed a problem half a world away!
Three of Michael Jackson's Bodyguards Reveal A "Little Secret"
Three of Michael Jackson's bodyguards finally speak out about MJ. All three say that Jackson had a very little and weird looking nose.
Got Breast Milk?
Daniel Angerer, a New York City chef says his special cheese recipe is made with milk from his wife's breasts. He smiles and states that the customers would never guess what goes into his salsa.
And My Date Will Have The Fried Moby Dick
Los Angeles Susi Restaurant caught selling illegal whale meat. Private inspectors confiscate three blow holes as evidence.
The Political End
Some Washington DC politicians can't seem to make up their minds about how to vote on health care reform. Some are ending it all by sticking fire crackers up their butts and blowing their brains out!
PETA and SeaWorld Reach an Agreement
PETA wanted the Orca turned loose into the Pacific Ocean. SeaWorld wanted to continue doing Orca water shows. The compromise reached was to sell the Orca to Red Lobster!
Not Lost in Translation
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran was called a "Fruitcake," by a protestor in the audience, during one of his speeches. The translator said that "Fruitcake" is Farsi for "Fruitcake!"
National ID Cards
330 million tamper-proof, un-stealable, secure, not counterfeitable government issued ID cards were distributed today in all 50 states. Then someone noticed they all had a picture of President Obama!
Three Time Loser
A new state law mandates that if you are apprehended driving while drunk, texting and talking on your cell phone simultaneously, the sentence is the Guillotine for the first offense!
Thank You George W
Democratic left wing liberals wanted to abolish Congress and install King Obama I. A Mr. George Washington voiced his objections.
PETA Endorses Food Products
PETA has ordered all its employees to only eat Vegetarian or Tofu dog and cat food as part of their employment with the organization.
On Getting Married
A man and a dog arrive at city hall for a marriage license. The clerk says "I cannot give you a license." The man says "why not it's a female dog?"
LONE RANGER: Tonto what is that strange costume you are wearing, it's not Halloween? TONTO: I'm dressed as an Insurance Company Executive, as it sure scares the hell out of screaming Howard Dean!
Individual Fishing Quotas
Environmentalists plan to monitor the taking of "Coney Island Whitefish!" If you don't get this, but live or grew up near a lake or bay, think about what floated in the water Sunday morning.
Cities Raise Taxes on Soft Drinks
Cities are raising taxes on soft drinks to fight obesity, to help balance their budgets and to increase perks for the city hall politicians!
Didn't Waste His
Guy in Minnesota says that he did not waste his 1.26 milliseconds during the Chile earthquake. He got 3/4 of a wink from Sarah Palin at the airport.
Hard To Stop
The makers of Toyota Camrys in Kentucky say that they meant to go to Washington by way of Canada.
Dead At 114
The oldest person in America passed away today at the age of 114, and this was the year she had told everyone that she hoped to get lucky.
The Academy Awards show was so long this year that they had to keep adding to the start the tribute to dead actors with Charlie Chaplin.
Jackson Alias #22
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Adolf Oliver Nipple.
Jackson Alias #21
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including dressing up as a woman, Deneice R. Nokin.
Many regretting of the 1.26 Milliseconds lost during Chile earthquake t o take the opportunity to count the teeth on the front row of Willy Nelson concert.
Watch & See!
British authorities predict baby boom this August-October after especially harsh snowy winter.
"Come On Without!"
Sarah Palin still available for new show as CW considering her for leading female role in "Quinn The Eskimo".
Many regret the lose of that 1.26 Milliseconds lsot during the earthquake when they could have counted the intelligent things said by Miley Cyrus lately.
Jackson Alias #20
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including dressing up as a woman, Juwanna Peter.
Jackson Alias #19
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including dressing up as a woman, Anita Peter.
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