Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 8 June 2010
King: I Work Out With One Hour Pencil Lifts Religiously!
Betty White: I'm already getting lonesome as I've outlived so many of my friends and I'm not quite 90 yet. How does Larry King do it?
Celtic Look To Gay Kirk!
In a bid to become Scottish football champions SFC Celtic have appointed the Reverend Scott Rennie as their number two coach in the hope he can motivate the majority of gay Catholics at the club!
Give Or Take A "0"
DEBT RISE TO $19,600,000,000,000.00 BY 2015! However, we will probably be under oily water by then so don't take it too hard.
Fecal Study 95% Accurate
Fecal analysis shows that film maker Michael Moore is eating too much.
UK World Bank Bail Out Agreement
PM David Cameron has negotiated a billion pound bailout plan for the UK debt deficit and has lead by example by including all UK citizens in his calculations but not including former PM Gordon Brown
UK Pensions Non Payout Scandal
NHS staff are under strict instructions from HM Government not to disclose serious illnesses to patients under 60 in the hope they will die before retirement age so as to save on state pension payouts
US Soccer Hyperactive Scandal
US Soccer coach Bob Bradley faces further questioning by FIFA about allegations that the whole US soccer squad have been prescribed mega doses of legalised thyroxin prior to the 2010 World Cup!
One legged chicken costs insane owner GBP 1800, pull the other one!
A Welsh chicken owner has claimed bankruptcy after saving it from the oven, the vet saved one leg and pulled the other, "it tasted nice," he said
400 Pot Shops Closed
Los Angeles forces more than 400 pot clinics to close. Other 3,000 "Right On!" for now.
Barney Frank & Aide Caught With Pants Down!
Frank said he was only responding to crictics who said he couldn't find his ass with both hands. Unfortunately, they meant HIS hands!
Congress Responsible for New Oxymoran!
Flash! Whites Now Minority in US after Current Census!
Workers say they were afraid to go into Palm Beach, Fl. Greenwich, Conn, Beverly Hills, CA, or Lubeck,Me and count people that didn't look like them or speak their language. Obama claims victory!
Chinese Scientists Limited To One Artificial Life-Form Per Scientist Rule
With 1.3 billion humans and 50 trillion micro-organisms, more micro-organisms are simply not part of the plan.There will be exceptions for scientists who create a female bacterium - source mindry.in
Tiger Woods Says Global Warming a Hoax!
Responds after exam shows he's cooled off since his testosterone levels
have dropped to match his sponsors, his bank account, and number of Friends on Facebook.
Tipper Gore Demands Wax Impression of Al's Penis in Settlement!
Attorney said she intends to light it every night and pray thanks to God her 40 year ordeal is finally over!
We interrupt this special broadcast that another oil well is leaking and that atomic blast in Iran when someone tripped over a bomb...It was the CHICKEN that came first.
American Replys to McCartney Smear of Bush!
Anyone taken over the coals by a one legged ice skating shrew shouldn't be talking about the concept of libraries and the art of reading. How's that pre-nup working out Paul?
Resigns After Being Fired
Helen Thomas, the 89-year-old White House reporter, is retiring after being fired for making controversial statements about Israel and the Jews.
Helen Thomas Off to France for Vacation!
Sarkozy amends law, demands she wear burgua for 'elf & safety of citizens!
Fastest Pit Stop By Sitting President in Race to Obscurity!
Obama: from ass licker to ass kicker in just 46 days!
Elton Sings At Limbaugh's Wedding!
#Elton John Sings at Limbaugh's 4th Wedding! Could he turn out to be wife #5?
Obamama (oops) cancels Aussie trip because the "mugs" spelt his name wrongly on their "mugs"!
President Obamama? was furious when he heard that the Aussies coudln't even spell his name, he retorted "we allow Mel Gibson to live here so what's the problem dammit and stuff your koala's too!"
Boomer Applies For Medicare.
First Boomer to apply for medicare asked if he would rather have some prime weed. "We're a little short of cash at the present."
Wall Street A Mess
Stocks take a plunge after inside TV shows workers at the NYSE running around naked, pulling their hair out by the roots. Pulling their roots out by the hair!
Obama Finally Masters The 'Mean' Look!
Obama says he's finding out 'whose ass to prick' over Gulf disaster
Obama Blasts BP Contributors To His Campaign!
Obama says he's finding out 'whose ass to lick' over Gulf disaster. Sorry, that should be "kick".
The Seventh Stooge!
Most not really surprised when they find out that the Head of BP Oil is nicknamed "Slick".
Peace Put On Hold
North Korea's Kim calls off peace talks with US, South Korea until Scooby Doo marathon is over.
Truth Finally Comes Out
Radar O'Reilly admits that Father Mulcahy touched him in a bad place.
President Obama abandons Beer Conferences after last one turned into a pissing contest.
Al Gore May Change Name To G.W.
Al Bore blames global warming for BP oil leak, marriage falling apart, boil on his ass!
10% Losing Identity
At least one in ten have been the victims of identity according to an unidentified source.
Another Bad Sign
US Gross National Product is showing some really gross numbers!
Biggie Wins Again
Big Company wins lawsuit as prosecutor demonstrates that whistle-blower can't whistle.
The Gores Talk
Al and Tipper Gore agree that all their problems started with Al's preoccupation with Discos.
Suicide Bombers Need Help
Experts: Continuing suicide bombers in Iraq and Afghanistan a cry for help!
"I Feel Your Pain!"
Crying BP Oil Executive caught with onion in handkerchief while viewing blackened beaches, birds.
BP The Blame
An upset US congress blaimes BP Oil for recent information leaks!
It's About Time!
Helen Thomas retires to spend more time with old Nazi friends in Brazil.
Police Going Green
Police in Washington and Oregon are told to use only rechargeable battery tasers, recycled billy clubs, natural Chinese handcuffs!
Recall Being Felt
With recall of children's liquid Tylenol, many crawling across border to get medication.
Jobless Rate Climbs
Jobless rate in U.S. expected to go beyond 20% once census ends, according to census report on those that have jobs.
Earth, Moon Formed Later
Earth and Moon formed '120 million years later than previously thought'. Though, admittedly, most have never given it a thought.
A life on the sofa: Shocking survey reveals more than half of Brits have NEVER done outdoor activities. Claim that there are Loonies about!
Are Parents Too Stupid?
Taxpayers fund course to teach teens how to wear high heels to work. Twist their ass while walking around the boss.
The Fall Guy
The Cabinet fall guy: Education Secretary comes a cropper in an embarrassing slip-up. Close Up Pic of busted ass on page 5.
Around & Around It Goes
Briton wanted for gangland shooting is gunned down in 'contract killing' on Costa del Sol. Police now looking for "contract killer".
Calling Health Dept!
Australian Cafe claims world's biggest booger! I'm sorry, that's the world's biggest burger!
A Lot Less Traffic There
Park Service to relocate Boston visitors center in New Bedfort!
Always The Last To Know!
Gov. hears how fishermen, tourism hurt by spill. "You see Governor, spilled oil is BAD. Pretty beaches are GOOD!"
Probably Had A Bad Agent
75 long-lost, never-heard-before silent movies being returned to US.
She Must Have Been Mad!"
Lawyer: Sheen to plead guilty to misdemeanor of wife placing neck into his knife.
More Jobs Here Would Help
AP analysis: More factory jobs ease economic pain, especially if we locate them here instead of Mexico, China & India.
Seniors Being Pitched Around
Obama pitching seniors on health bill. "Just hang on. You will all be out of your misery in a short while."
Obama Teleprompter Acts Up!
Obama talks tough on spill; "I'm here to kill ass and take gnomes! Something wrong with the teleprompter!"
Star Attorney Appears
Star attorney to take stage at Blagojevich trial as Matlock appears in a wheelchair.
Life On Titan?
Strange Discovery on Titan Leads to Speculation of Alien Life as abandoned lawn chairs tied to helium balloons show up in new pictures.
Crocodiles Scattered #3
Secret Revealed: How Crocodiles Cross Oceans? Many were stowaways clinging to old clipper ships.
So Lang As There is Beer & Chips!
To ESPN, knowledgeable US soccer fan not oxymoron. Lots of yells of "Hey, I think somebody just did something!"
Fishing Boat Pulls Up Canisters
Clam boat pulls up canisters off NY, two skeletons with feet in cement, crew sickened.
Marvin Isley Dead At 56
Marvin, youngest of Isley Brothers, dies at 56! A lot of twisting & shouting expected at funeral.
No Alien Forms On Titan?
Strange Discovery on Titan Leads to Speculation of Alien Life. However, Martians say that we're building false dreams.
Might Be Real
Strange Discovery on Titan Leads to Speculation of Alien Life, especially after the big-headed photos sent back.
Simple Explanation #2
Secret Revealed: How Crocodiles Cross Oceans? Experts say they threatened porpoises, dolphins until they piggy-backed them there, for a fresh start.
Secret Revealed: How Crocodiles Cross Oceans? Evolutionists say they flew there as birds but feathers devolved back to loose scales.
Jobs Lost #2
Steve Jobs to crowd: 'We're having a little problem here' Most people out of jobs but Jobs loses most people in bad WiFi snafu during presentation.
Rough Day For Jobs
Steve Jobs to crowd: 'We're having a little problem here' as presentation flops miserably. "Now I know how a stand-up comedian feels when his jokes flop!"
Same Old Politics
Voters to pick Senate challengers for Reid, Boxer, Fighter, New & Old Phonies!
Oil Spill Scatters
Fickle oil slick scatters its threats across Gulf. Doesn't seem to know where it's going or what it's after.
'Assasinate Thatcher' Labour MP Arrested
John McDonnell has been arrested following remarks that he wanted to kill Margaret Thatcher because she 'got in his way'. The police also detained the entire GMB union conference who had applauded him
The Monster Mash
An evening out at the graveyard: Cemeteries seek to liven up with concerts, social events...holedowns!
Poll On Oil Spill
POLL: BP Oil Spill Response Rated Worse than Katrina, but better than the Alamo!
Return Of The Bush Whacker
Former President George W. Bush seen at home in interview, whacking bushes, rotating air in tires.
President Obama, when asked about fitness today, told reporters: "Michelle & I believe in keeping fit. Our family always has. Have you noticed how many Kenyans have won...We believe in staying fit!
WW To Clark!
Ad by Wonder Woman: Up too late last night. Clark call me. Forgot where I left my invisible plane.
WW Looks Silly?
Ad by Clark Kent: Got a headache too. I'll fly by later. Let the plane go. You looked silly sailing through the air in a seated position.
Marvel Cancels Comic #60
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Blithering Ass" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #59
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Thingy" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #58
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's "Dick Tracer" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #57
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Return Of The Hungry Maggot" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #56
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Thor Nuff" series after the one issue.
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