Spoof news snippets from Monday 7 June 2010
Marvels Cancels Comic #55
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Pardoned White House Thanksgiving Turkey" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #54
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Fizzle Man, The Silent Killer" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #53
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Lady Bugger" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #52
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Calf" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #51
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Warring Wombat" series after the one issue.
Rush Limbaugh Speaks Up on Hiring Elton John to Play at Wedding
Look people, I hired a singer. Who cares about his sexual preferences? Most everyone in the music industry is gay or bi-sexual. I paid for his performance. It's not like I put him on the guest list.
New Cookbook Not Selling Well
Ragin' Cajun's new "The Big Book of Biscuits & Gravy Recipes" not selling very well.
Dreams Better Than Sex
Star Trek fanatic says that a good dream of Star Fleet is better than sex, or at least, better than he believes sex to be.
Gibson To Outrun Cops?
Mel Gibson's girlfriend says that his New Year's resolution was to be about to outrun the cops while he's drunk until he gets home. "Of course, he was drunk at the time."
"So You Knew Benedict Arnold?"
A fake Revolutionary war veteran is exposed tonight on the ABC Evening News!
New Anti-Smoking Campaigns
Surgeon General Nanook of the North says: I'd rather be smoking fish!
Quasi Yogi Berraism (#1)
"Man, if I had a nickel for every nickel I got - I'd have me a whole bunch of nickels."
Quasi Yogi Berraism (#2)
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch unless they've already hatched in which case what's the point?"
Quasi Yogi Berraism (#3)
"Hey, I guess you could say it's kinda like six dozen of one, half a dozen of the other."
Quasi Yogi Berraism (#4)
"If someone wants to get a load off their mind then why not just stand on your head."
Quasi Yogi Berraism (#5)
"I've always been a meat and potatoes type of guy except when I'm eating macaroni and cheese."
Ralph Nader has announced this morning that he has not yet determined whether he will launch another failed bid for the presidency or not.
UK Government releases plan to install 'giant eye in the sky' over London
London will be covered by a giant camera which hovers over the capital, recording crime so it can later be broadcast on TV.
Kids Say The Darnest Things
Britney's kid in doctor's office waiting room, "Hi! Mom has the clap. What's wrong with you, Mister?"
Miss Naked America Resigns
Miss Naked America resigns from her position after she is caught doing Target commercials with her clothes on.
Congressmen Looking Fat These Days
US Congress getting ready to take a summer break. "Our pockets are stuffed. We need to get back home and deposit it', admits one off the record (but on the payroll).
UK's ITV3 Pulls Plug On World Cup Coverage!
The UK's ITV3 channel is dumping its coverage of the World Cup due to a higher demand from its over 35 audience for more sex, drugs and rock n roll cinematics.
UK Pupils Lead The Way For Global Schooling Strikes!
Talks between UK Headteachers and their pupils have failed and the "every child matters" strikes will go ahead soon. 21st century techno aware pupils are refusing to use pen and paper anymore!
Spoof News Writers Under Observation!
The First Cuts Are The Deepest For UK Youth!
Prime Minister David Cameron has warned of "difficult decisions" on sex, drugs and benefits as he set out the case for "painful" cuts ahead, like stabbing his young voters in the back!
New Movie A Flop
New movie "Sorority Girls Without Their Makeup Versus Jason & Freddie Kruger" not doing well!
Holigan World Cup starts earlier than planned and top fav's England are already KO'd
This years "Hoolie World Cup" was started earlier because star teams were worried that blood-thirsty Zulu's and Tutsi's would break the rules and use their machetes instead of their bovver boots!
Nudist Favorite TV Shows
A new poll shows that one of the all-time favorite TV shows of nudists is, "F*L*A*S*H!
Last Year We Lost
Asked if it bothered him that the Alabama team dumped Gatorade over him after his Crimson Tide won the College Football Trophy, Coach Saban told reporters that it was better than the piss last year.
Not So Good For You
Kellogg has agreed to drop the claim that Rice Krispies can improve children's immune systems. Kellogg's claim was discredited when, upon the pouring on of milk, some cereal went Hack! Cough! & Fart!
Indian/American Wins Again
Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. It was the first time that a contestant had to tell the judges how to pronounce a name.
Insiders say that it is just a silly rumor that "Bella" from Twilight will appear in the Spin-Off "Bella Hears A Howl!"
Classics Updated For Boomers #3
The updated Dusty Springfield's great "Pissing And Hoping!"
Great Service, What Does He Look Like?
California outlaws plastic, paper bags at groceries. Instead, carry-out boy will go home with you.
90% Hirings Were By Government
Ninety Percent of all new jobs are with the US Government, especially in field of finding people jobs.
Let Us Eat Cake
US Dollar falls again, this time in the cost of shrimp, lobster, fish on the Gulf Coast.
Bigges NHS Fraud Yet
Woman dentist charged with stealing £1m in 'biggest ever' NHS fake invoice fraud...as of today, June 7th, 2010.
Security Fears #2
Security fears on eve of World Cup as fans injured in stampede at warm-up match. "Just getting a bit of practice in", say most.
Security fears on eve of World Cup as fans injured in stampede at warm-up match. "Stampedes are our mosh pits" say several.
PM Warns Of Drastic Cuts
Prime Minister warns drastic cuts must be implemented. "Better not to get sick or eat a lot during the next few years."
Make A Good Movie
Woman made up horrific rape, beheading, cannibal story, to cover up crashing boyfriend's car.
Sheen Screws Up Again!
Charlie Sheen set to appear in court in Aspen, was supposed to be at Vail.
"Twilight Bleep Bleep Bleep Award!"
'Twilight' tops bleep-happy MTV Movie Awards. Lip readers very popular with watchers.
New Study: Radiation boosts survival rate for those who have received too much radiation treatments, exams.
Pot Good For That Too
"Marijuana good for just about anything you have", reports the best doctor in the whole United states.
Two Way Investigation In Australia
Australia launches privacy investigation of Google. Google zooms in on politician's offices, papers signed, secretaries entrances, amount of time spent with bosses.
Reliance Communications approves stake sale. "The vampire-killing industry was always a sideline", states CEO.
Test Rocket Reaches Orbit
Millionaire's test rocket reaches orbit on 1st try! "like hitting an oil gusher the first time you dig", he tells press.
Airline Profits Up
IATA forecasts 2010 profit for airline industry. Total of $10,000 to be shared equally.
Long Road To Oil Cleanup
Long road to oil cleanup looms over Gulf Coast, especially along Highway 10.
Clinton' Crowded Agenda
Crowded agenda awaits Clinton in Latin America due to population explosion there.
Where In The World Is Azerbaijan?
Obama moves to improve relations with Azerbaijan as GOP accuses him of making up a country to siphon off funds.
Sacking An Internal Afghan Affair
US: Sacking of Afghan officials an internal matter, although we did furnish the sacks!
That Might Work!
Election spooks lawmakers, curbs Congress spending. Voters request that elections be held every year to keep them in line!
Biden Proposal Put Forth
Biden: US seeks new ways to address Gaza problems. "What if we start by changing it's name to 'Shangri La?"
Tonadoes Miss Everything
Oklahome tornadoes miss towns, farms, everything Ccomplain news reporters. "Not even a tree down!"
A Century Should Get It!
Long road to oil cleanup looms over Gulf Coast. Then there will be the massive cleanup of the oil chemical treatments.
Because Study Will Take Longer
Road plan includes $300,000 for Knoxville bypass study, $200,000 for actual construction.
First Gay Marriage
Lesbian couple weds in the Isle of Lesbos' first gay marriage!
Terrorist's Faux Pas
Suicide bombers attack terrorist training camp in northern Afghanistan in apparent mix-up!
Keep Checking Family Tree
North Korea promotes one-hundredth Kim relative in reshuffle!
Election spooks lawmakers, curbs Congress spending. "Remember we must be good until November."
Dr. Seuss: Stars On Thars
Those hitting Spoof writers with several one-star ratings without actually reading anything, apparently in second childhood.
Turkey calls on Israel to accept probe into raid on Turkey farm last Thanksgiving. Obama's Pardoned Turkey leading the call!
The Helen Thomas Flap
Helen Thomas high school speech canceled over flap as the flap will keep them from concentrating on speech. May have flap removed in near feature.
Altered Trees Can't Reproduce
Paper industry tests genetically altered trees as the papers do not work on copiers.
More Med Care Not Better Care
Overtreated: More medical care isn't always better. Docs say the same people who's care is free come in every week with "something not right".
Long road to oil cleanup looms over Gulf Coast, especially since 99.9% of it hasn't hit yet.
David Cameron to put UK on Ebay
Prime Minister David Cameron revealed that the economic plight of the UK is actually far worse than he had dared to think.
Sad Songs Say So Much
Elton John interrupts 17-year gay partnership to sing at wedding of thrice divorced conservative blowhard and anti-gay marriage proponent Rush Limbaugh. Sometimes, good satire just "rights" itself!
Palestinians target of aid
Israel will check Irish ship and transfer all aid it deems acceptable to the Gaza Strip. Bullets, rockets, mortars not acceptable. Those will be delivered personally by Israeli troops at close range.
Something doesn't add up
Israeli foreign ministry spokesman Regev accuses Hamas of blocking the supply of aid into Gaza. So, does this mean the Israeli commandos operating the Israeli blockade are really Hamas extremists?
Which oil company?
India court charges Union Carbide executives with death by negligence in 1984 disaster that killed thousands in Bhopal, India. Oil company hopes to postpone charges far longer for mere eleven deaths.
Rush Limbaugh Got Married and Got His Wish
He asked that folks just leave him alone for this special occasion. When asked if they knew Limbaugh got married this weekend, most people said "Who?"
Just Like Martha Stewart
Stocks are up considerably as inspectors accuse convicts of receiving insider information. Most now have plenty of cigarettes, conjugal visits.
Big Yuan Winner Tonight!
US dollar in further trouble as the latest winner of the lottery asks to be paid in Chinese yuan.
Don't Sound Good!
Fed Chairman Bernanke says that "US may be slow coming out of the tunnel but there's a light that we can see and..." then breaks down crying.
FEMA Admits To A Few Mistakes
FEMA finally admits that some trailers they supplied after Hurricane Katrina were unsafe after four workers sue over falling through floor while setting them up.
Marvel Cancels Comic #50
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Captain Asscrack" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #49
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Keepo, The Channel Flipper" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #48
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's comic "The Mark Of Zero" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #47
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Superman's Significant Other, Jimmy Olson" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #46
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's comic "Little Lulu's BooBoo" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #45
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Totally Recycled Plastic Man" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #44
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Spidey's Grandpa, Grand Daddy Longlegs" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #43
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Terrific Trout" series after the one issue.
Who's to Blame?
Former VP Al Gore refutes Democratic Party claims that former President George W Bush's tax cuts were to blame for the breakup of his marriage. Former VP Gore blames former VP Dick Cheney!
United Nations Requests Terrorists Provide Standards
The UN has asked Islamic terrorists to provide a list of standards that they abide by when beheading people, committing homicide bombings, employing human shields and killing innocent civilians.
Quid Pro Quo
President Obama made a promise to former President Clinton, if Clinton talked to Rep. Sestak. President Obama would dump Vice President Biden from the Democratic ticket in 2012 in favor of Monika!
North Korea Says it is Innocent
The North Korean news agency claims a UFO sank the South Korean warship. The proof was in the crop circles left on the surface of the Yellow Sea, but the ocean currents washed the evidence away.
New Government Study
A new government study indicates that all new studies contain nothing new than was new in previous new studies!
Garbage is Garbage and is still Garbage
Democratic far left wing liberals are now making up phony correlation studies to support their cockamamie ideas on everything! They then try to shove the idiotic garbage down all Americans throats!
BP Did It
Attorney General Holder has uncovered that the BP Oil Company is also responsible for the design of all those iced coffee and tea pitchers that leak!
With respect to Reading
Paul McCartney is clueless when it comes to "reading" women!
When the Moment is Right
Your spouse is bent over cleaning the commode in a tattered night gown and her hair is up in curlers. Will you be ready if the urge strikes you?
Peanut Butter Recall
Tainted jars of peanut butter have been recalled in Alameda CA. It seems the peanut butter had been contaminated with chunks of Skippy!
The Search is On
Bucky's balls were found hanging from the Golden Gate Bridge. Police are still searching for the rest of Bucky!
President Obama Restores NASA Advanced Shuttle Funding
The first unit of the new shuttle fleet must be ready by Dec. 2010 to transport BP CEO Tony Hayward, WH advisor Carol Browner, Interior Secretary Ken Salazar & EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson to Mars.
Political Asylum Seekers
White House correspondent Helen Thomas and political activist Greta Berlin have both petitioned the Israeli government for political asylum.
Office of the US Presidency
Americans respect the Office of the US Presidency. Americans know that the current resident of the White House only sits on the "throne" in the Oval Office, on a temporary basis.
Oil Spill Obama Hits Gulf Coast I
FEMA, EPA, federal agencies have not figured out what to do, even 5 years after Hurricane Katrina. The Obama administration's bureaucratic bullshit & ideological red tape further hinders clean up.
Oil Spill Obama Hits Gulf Coast II
Obama administration has a case of Piss Poor Planning! Contingency plans needed to be developed, assets identified, & management actions of federal & state agencies specified before disasters occur.
Oil Spill Obama Hits Gulf Coast III
Kudos to USCG Admiral Thad Allen, USCG personnel & gulf residents for their expertise in clean- up of the BP oil spill. Work fast & diligent before the Obama Administration impedes your efforts again!
President Obama's impeachment hearings scheduled for January 2012 have been rescheduled for January 2011, after the Republican Congress convenes.
Gulf Coast Birds
Gulf Coast birds, wildlife and residents have unanimously "tweeted" to give the BP Oil Company "the bird" for the oil spill!
Democrats Find Solution to Plugging BP Oil Leak in Gulf
Pres. Obama has directed that all left wing bullshit generated by the Democratic Party be sent to pundit James Carvel in Louisiana to plug the leak. James, it's different when your ox is being gored!
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