Spoof news snippets from Friday 4 June 2010
North Korea Offers To Aid in Gaza Strip Blockade
"We've got a submarine that is successful at blowing ships out of the water."
Dylan Christmas #12 & 35
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "When You Gonna Wake Up, There's Be Presents Under The Tree" on his Holiday Album last year.
Dylan Christmas #4
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "A Snowman Of Constant Sorrows" on his Holiday Album last year.
Dylan Christmas #3
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "Black Flu Blues" on his Holiday Album last year.
Dylan Christmas #2
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "Tangled Up In Colored Light Cord" on his Holiday Album last year.
"Ain't Gonna Work There No More!"
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "Maggie's Christmas Tree Farm" on his Holiday Album last year.
Is It Tina Fey or Is It Sarah Palin?
Tina Fey said that last week she really got into the Sarah Palin character so much that she actually had the urge to go out and shoot a damn caribou.
Jennifer Aniston Is Certainly Giving It The Old College "Beaver Shot" Try
Brad Pitt who admits to being a leg man says he knows his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston has been going out of her way to show of her fantastic legs and cute hooha in hopes of snagging him back.
Rue Mcclanahan dies; was predeceased by her husband, former NFL linebacker Bea Arthur.
Rue McClanahan has passed away at age 76.
McClanahan is best known for her role as aged meathole Blanche on The Golden Girls, a show about three hookers and their mom.
Jose "The Steroid Buster" Canseco Is In The Building
Jose Canseco says that he has not written a book dealing with steroids in baseball in at least three weeks.
The Extremely Masculine Nancy Grace May Be No More
Nancy Grace will be having surgery to give her a more feminine look instead of the bitch dyke look she presently has.
The Shocking Pink Statue of Liberty?
The Statue of Liberty will be painted pink in honor of "Take A Lesbian Out To Lunch Week."
Hamas Not Terrorist Group
TURKISH PM: Hamas not a terrorist group! It's made from chick peas and eaten with chips or on flatbread.
CASTRO: A nuclear strike on Iran may help Obama win second term...Just saying!
Census Workers Encouraged
Obama cheers on the 2120 census workers. "They'll doing a hellava job!" Sound familiar?
Tonight Show: Eubanks Out, Bieber In.
Kevin Eubanks left the tonight show. NBC says they will replace him with Justin Bieber, just to get a little sexual tension going between him and Jay!
UCLA: John Wooden "Grave, Upgraded from 'room temperature' "
News just said John Wooden in "Grave" condition. Wow. Could you find a less sensitive phrase? What is that, upgraded from room temperature?
"No Fire, Stink Bomb", Says Fire Chief
Dick Cheney spotted running from area of the White House as a fire breaks loose in undisclosed location.
BP Chief: I Feel Your Pain!
Temporary Amnesiac says he came to himself on a hillside in a boat with no paddles and that the creek stunk.
BP Gets Ready To Squeeze Boyle
BP, in a stroke of genius, are to plug the Gulf of Mexico oil spill using nothing more than Susan Boyle's planet sized face.
Could Be Any Time Now
Just In: Recent Earthquakes, Active Volcanos have jarred the "Doomsday Clock" forward.
Hospitals Getting Ready
Hospitals in Florida prepare themselves for increase in "Oil Can Harry's Disease"!
"That Bodyguard's A Handsome Soul!"
One of South African president Jacob Zuma's THREE wives 'cheats on him with bodyguard'. Other two jealous.
"Avatar" Woman Missing
'Avatar' mother goes missing after becoming obsessed with online 3D world. "I heard her yell '4th Dimension?' and she hasn't been seen yet", states Neighbor who was in the other room, visiting.
The Mad Chef!
Chef guilty of killing wife with griddle pan, hiding body in freezer then dumping her in wheelie bin. "Should have used someone else wheelie bin", states idiot.
My Second Cousin On My Uncle's Side
A New Zealand funeral home has stepped in to stop a fake mourner attending up to 4 funerals a week to stock up on food, even filling up containers to take home.
"I'm there to comfort", he explains.
Rush Limbaugh Snags Fourth Wife
One wonders, with his looks, it's gotta be something else. Maybe those big cigars?
Mickelson In Prime Spot
Mickelson in prime spot after Tiger Woods Memorial's 1st round.
Rush Limbaugh Getting Hitched a Fourth Time
Guess we can now lay to rest the assumption that 'third time's a charm.'
Ricky Martin Honored
Celebrities honor Ricky Martin at amfAR gayla in New York!
Rush Limbaugh Getting Married to "Doll" Number 4
Try to keep your breakfast down this weekend as you envision Rush Limbaugh on his honeymoon.
New Expert Advice
Experts Say: To burn more fat, skip breakfast before workout. Then wait till lunch before you eat.
The Tar-Ball Wizard
The Who re-release new album, "That BP CEO Man, Sure Displays A Mean Tar Ball!"
Risky, But Only Slightly
Wash off tarballs, say experts, but brief encounters not risky. Only 10% expected to come down with the Tar Balls disease which, for some reason, only strikes males.
'Furious' Obama heading to Gulf for spill update. Practices speech on mother-in-law.
Re-Checking Supplies Needed
Scientists begin 520-day Mars mission simulation. Double check to make sure they have enough creamy nougat.
Need More Than A Capfull!
BP exec says cap is collecting some oil in Gulf. Residents tell him to put the hat back on his head.
Ready To Roll!
Florida Senate candidate tests politics, ethnicity, definitions in dictionary for mild curse words for BP.
Unless It's A Nuclear Attack, Of Course
US commander: No sign of another NKorean attack. "Maybe we should hold off until the 10th attack."
"BP Is A Bad Baaad Old Meany!"
Obama shelves trip to Indonesia, Australia as he heads to the Florida Gulf Coast and he's got a 'loud speaker' in his hand.
Furious Obama #2
'Furious' Obama heading to Gulf for spill update. Taking Jeremiah Wright as Obama will allow Wright to speak and then point and say, "What he said goes double with me, except the chicken part."
Furious Obama This Time!
'Furious' Obama heading to Gulf for spill update, after practicing words, frown until late last night.
New Jury May Be Sought
Hugs, handshakes, big envelopes of money exchanged at Blagojevich corruption trial!
Just Like Old Times
Beach-storming drill returns Marines to roots, oil on boots!
Jobs Available At McDonalds
McDonald's pulls cadmium-tainted 'Shrek' glasses, workers who handled cadmium-tainted glasses.
Congo Objects. "All We Have Is Bio Weaponry!"
Report: Myanmar, seeking nuclear weapons. "Need them to tear down all those "Burma Shave" billboards", say leaders.
Stephen King Influenced
In DC, even the Spelling Bee draws protesters..M-O-O-N! That spells protesters.
Umpire, Commissioner Slightly Off!
Planet Triple Play: Saturn, Mars and Venus Appear Together. However, Major League Baseball umpire rules Mars Slightly off! Commissioner upholds ruling.
Temps Being Hired
Jobs data likely to show burst of temporary hiring. Must be willing to work around the Gulf area, put up with stench.
New Japanese PM Popular
Japan installs outspoken populist, great on karaoke, Naoto Kan as PM!
Things Are Looking Up!
BP exec says cap is collecting some oil in Gulf. Only 90% of beaches and animal sanctuaries destroyed.
Progress At Last!
BP exec says cap is collecting some oil in Gulf, "at least ten percent!"
Want Those Super-Sized?
Bowling Green man arrested in robbery at McDonald's. Had taken $1500 and fries with it.
Tony Bennett Was Right
Mediterranean diet can help keep heart disease at bay. San Fransisco Bay, where we left our heart, specializes in Mediterranean diet.
Strike On Jupitor
Amateur astronomer spots another Jupiter strike. Apparently economy there shot to blazes also!
Feds Get Pricky
Feds get pricky over what makes oil 'extra virgin'. I'm sorry, that should have been "Picky". They can be pricks at times, though.
Al Qaeda Defeated, We'll Take On Al-Qaida
U.S. widens Special Operations against al Qaeda according to report, but will stay the course with al Qaida.
Kirk Misstates Military Records
Kirk apologizes for misstating military record. Admits he never saved the life of Commander Norman Schwarzkopf.
Kirk Admits To Misstatements
Mark Kirk apologizes for misstating military record. Admits he didn't lead mission into space to destroy meteor headed for the earth.
Just Kidding Of Course
Kirk apologizes for misstating military record. Candidate admits he never was a Captain of a Starship.
Time Is Money!
'Banks' allow members to pay with time, not cash. many now scrubbing floor, rechaining stolen ink pens, serving a bank guards.
Payback For Non-Payment
'Banks' allow members to pay with time, not cash. "If you don't pay back loans, prepare for some jail time", say bank presidents.
Spelling Bee Protesters Riot!
In DC, even the Spelling Bee draws protesters. Say they are merely practicing up for BP protests later!
Pluto Redicules Appearance
Planet Triple Play: Saturn, Mars and Venus Appear Together! Pluto says they are merely showing off as 'planets'.
Could Become Rare, So Could Owners
McDonald's pulls cadmium-tainted 'Shrek' glasses. However, some keeping back a few in case they become collectible should 90% be turned it.
Shrek Glasses Pulled
McDonald's pulls cadmium-tainted 'Shrek' glasses as customers begin to turn green.
Well Capped, Sir!
BP puts containment cap on gushing Gulf well pipe, gushing CEO as something went right!
Sign of the times
Scaffolding is finally removed from the Acropolis in Athens, Greece, revealing the temple is still in ruins despite 25 years of intensive repair efforts.
You said a mouthful
For the second year in a row, eighth-grader Aditya Chemudupaty will compete in Scripps National Spelling Bee. He says he'll practice for the competition by first spelling "Aditya Chemudupaty."
Diving for Apple
Visiting Chinese myPhone and myPad manufacturer FoxCon, Steve Jobs so depressed he leaps from factory window. Scooped out of safety net, put right back to work by FoxCon chairman Terry Gou.
No idle hands here
Teen pregnancy growth rate in U.S. continues to decline. Experts: Today's teens are too busy tweeting, posting, texting and gazing deeply into their eyePhones and monitors to even notice each other.
Method Acting 101
Facing worst oil spill in U.S. history, "No Drama" Obama faces criticism he doesn't seem concerned enough. Will address nation live on Monday, screaming and shouting from White House rooftop.
Play it again, Uncle Sam
U.S. census jobs account for more than two-thirds of estimated 513,000 payrolls gain in May, spurring labor market recovery. Encouraged by results, President Obama orders census recount in 2011.
The Only Dude Ranch In Massachusetts Is Forced To Shut Down
The one and only dude ranch in the entire state of Massachusetts has had to shut down because someone stole the horse.
Poker Chips By Any Other Name Taste Just As Sweet
Due to the continued problem of runaway inflation some Las Vegas casinos will soon change from using the usual poker chips to using colored corn chips.
The Amazingly Immature Glenn "Nazi Boy" Beck
Glenn Beck agrees to take a national maturity test and he ends up being ranked right below Naomi Campbell and above Ashton Kutcher.
The Reason Why The KKK Ranks Have Been Dwindling Down
The KKK, has stated that although racism is on the rise, its ranks have seen a decline in members which they attribute to the fact that some of the good ol' boys are just wising up some.
Got Milk Ad Gals Have Got To Have Tits (Pure and Simple)
Flat chested Keira Knightley is apparently devastated that she was turned down for a 'Got Milk' ad.
From Riverside with Love
Since I turned over 50 Ive had to take a manditory proctology examination for the past three years now well they finally caught up with me and gave me a self addressed postcard "From Hemet with Love!"
Most unwanted one legged man ?
In the movie The Fugitive the FBI's most wanted was an one armed man. In my case the FBI's most unwanted would be me a one legged man and unarmed if this is my weapon and this is my gun goes ?
The Longest Day
In the movie The Longest Day, Rod Taylor had a medic use safety pins to hold his gash wound on his leg together. How much you want to bet if it was me he would use - used Diaper pins on my big mouth ?
Shakira Has Got The Most Dangerous Hips In The Entire World
Shakira says that the rumor of her shaking her hips so hard that she popped out an ovary are false - She said that it was actually a tonsil.
The Brand New Sports Illustrated Scratch 'n Sniff Swimsuit Issue
This years Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue has just come out with its first ever Scratch 'n Sniff edition. Most subscribers say that it smells a lot like tuna fish.
The Reason That The Willie Nelson Story Has Hit A Snag
The movie entitled The Story of Willie Nelson has not been cast yet. Producers are having a very hard time trying to find an actor who can appear to be as stoned as Willie was.
Ashton "The Crybaby" Kutcher Just Keeps On Whinin' and Weepin'
Ashton Kutcher pleads guilty to first degree immaturity. He cries when sentenced to one week in a day care center.
The Gulf Of Mexico Oil Spill Continues To Mess Things Up
Signs that the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill are worse than originally believed is the fact that California authorities say that The San Andreas Fault is filling up with Gulf oil.
Break A Leg Thats Show Biz ?
Why is it everyone who sees me on my crutches and a cast on my leg and asks me what happened and I reply broke my leg and then they ask how Why dont they wait until I get my pecker stuck in my Zipper
Well I go to the VA tomarrow to have may cast removed and a new Nancy Sinatra walking boot in its place.Well I'm no Cinderella or Prince Charming, but if the shoe fits I'll wear it !
I hear Liz Taylor is getting married ?
Liz Taylor getting married ? I didn't even know she was engaged ? " Stella ! " " Stella ! " " Frankly my dear I don't give a darn ! "
Why I like Sandra Bullock Continued
I think I would go for Jane Russle in her movie " The Outlaw," produced by Howard Hughes, as at least he designed her bra where Jesse James Hollyood does just mens underwear ?
Why I like Sandra Bullock
It's not from thinking about her in movies like"the Demolition man,"where she and Sylvestor Stalone passed one liners more than a doctor passes gas, but if I had to choose between Jesse James,and her
Kanye West The Unsuccessful Book Author
Kanye West's autobiography entitled "Hey People, It Was Just A Little Damn Microphone For Goodness Sakes" has racked up nationwide sales of 8 copies.
The Very Unusual Madonna-Clay Aiken Feud
The former singer known as Madonna said that she won her feud with Clay Aiken. She said that all she had to do was to kick Aiken in his G-spot.
The New Paris Hilton Designer Pantiliners
The new line of Paris Hilton Designer Pantiliners reportedly smell just like dollar bills.
Zsa Zsa has a new job ?
In the Press Enterprize a local paper in Riverside the healines read " CHP slaps officers !" I never thought Zsa Zsa was a CHP and her Mercedez a patrol car ?
Paula Abdul Says Bye and Adios To Pain Pills
Paula Abdul proudly proclaims that she has not taken any pain medication in two hours.
Mark Cuban Says He Is Kobe Bryant's BFF
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says that he is thinking about buying The Los Angeles Lakers and moving them to Dallas.
And Probably Raise Cost Of Stamps
U.S. Post Office wants to cut back to five days and deliver come rain or shine but not snow or sleet.
Chicago man finally figures out that "Heidi Montag" on his shopping list meant Melons, Hams, navel oranges and cheesecake.
Lambert In Mag
Adam Lambert to appear in the September-October issue of Glammer!
That Went Down Smoothe
Warning issued to all Florida Gulf residence, "If water smells a little oily, mix in 90% bourbon.
Sir Elton John Practicing
Sir Elton John to practice his special talents this weekend at Bernies!
Marvel Cancels Comic #31
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Cosmic Kipper" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #30
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Shit Eater-The Human Fly" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #29
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Goods" (Adult) series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #28
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Biting Satire Writer" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #27
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Distractor" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #26
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Finger Puller...Of Death!" series after the one issue.
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