Order by:
Rating:

Into Rebuilding

The Cartoon Network to cancel "Mohammed The Moose & Shiite the Squirrel after only one showing. Will not be shown even after studio rebuilt.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

More BGT Rejects

Brian Tantric and His Musical Chickens. He has 6 Mock Orpingtons and 3 Spangled Wyandottes. They have no melody, but cluck rhythmically along to Alsatian Folk Songs.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 June 2010
Rating:

More BGT Rejects

Alan Splanchnic, the masturbating contortionist, who does well. In fact, he comes into his own. But it's a family show, so out she goes.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 June 2010
Rating:

More BGT Rejects

Helmfried and Wilhelmina Pifferluce, who do Geometricks. Eg, they mould their bodies into polygons.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 June 2010
Rating:

More BGT Rejects

George Marsupial, who hacksaws his own fingers off while reciting Longfellow's Hiawatha. "That poem always makes me want to do that", lies the lovely Amanda Holden.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 June 2010
Rating:

More BGT Rejects

Sick Bag, which comprises the Baffler sisters, Dilys, 77, and Nessie, 79, who gorge on rotten prawns and projectile vomit to the 1812 Overture and Danny Boy.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Around the WIs

Pattercombe-with-Nurdstone are seeking entries in their best-dressed corpse competition. All are welcome, though Mrs Follicle warns: "After last year's "Burke and Hare" incident at St Judderer's, we only want unburied cadavres ths time."

written by Erskin Quint, 03 June 2010
Rating:

More BGT Rejects

Hop It! - the Fleetwood dance troupe who hop their way through West Side Story numbers.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 June 2010
Rating:

More BGT Rejects

Arnold Lunt, the Fish Impressionist, who impersonates such denizens of the deep as the haddock the skate and the john dory.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 June 2010
Rating:

More BGT Rejects

Len and Ken Benn the Yodelling Yiddishe Twins who yodel in harmony to Flight of the Bumble Bee.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 June 2010
Rating:

More BGT Rejects

Helmut Engelberger, the one-man oompah band.

written by Erskin Quint, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Tatchel closet "traditionalist"

"Tatchel admits - I just couldn't get a girlfriend."

written by Jimbo123, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Salt and Battery?

Risk of severe complications noted for the 3,500+ people annually who ingest today's larger, stronger lithium batteries. U.S. government wants warning labels to protect "consumers."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Guitar, Not Fiddle Played During This Disaster

Sir Paul McCartney entertains Obamas at White House party, joking about Bush. Meanwhile first tar balls from Oil spill appear closer to Florida beaches.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Cuba's New Weapon

Barack Obama is blocking all new offshore drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, after regulators approved a new permit for drilling in shallow water. Meanwhile Cuba may drill to release more oil on the US!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

He forgot about Dubya

Press Sec. Gibbs: White House not paralyzed by oil spill; has passed regulatory legislation, nominated Supreme Court justice. "Americans don't elect someone who can't walk, chew gum at the same time."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 June 2010
Rating:

And The Game Goes On!

Obama to return to Gulf to assess efforts on spill! BP hurries 500 extra workers back to clean-up site!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Meth Cola Outlawed

Meth Cola, the controversial cola from Atlanta, has been ordered to stop production, after scientific evidence show no traces of Meth.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Sort Of Handy

Sixty three year old mother says that she didn't mean for it to happen. But at least she and the baby can share the baby food and diapers.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

BP blames Canada

"If only they'd done the right thing and annexed to America," said an unnamed BP strategic planner, "the entire land would be ours to drill, and this little Gulf spill need never have happened."

written by Amethyst Ryder, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Six loony hetro male Martians are locked away simulating a trip to mars, hopefully they remain that way?

6 Martians simulating a trip to Mars have been locked away from fe-males and only will receive e-males? Scientists are hoping they will remain hetro so Mars can be declared a pristine gay free zone!

written by Jaggedone, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Sex Classes Helping

Study shows that teenagers in school sex classes less likely to have sex. Especially after the condom instructions using a 14-inch gourd.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Prince Charles Upset

Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles upset with Prince Harry after he lights horse fart. Both treated for minor burns.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Lieberman Endorses McCain

Joe Lieberman endorsed John McCain for the 2008 US President. "I know it's a little late but I lost a couple of years there somehow. Who's Susan Boyle?"

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Total Wipeout!

Tea Party shits pants after approval granted for illegal immigrant's union.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

"Should Have Read It!"

Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky pulls fast one. Approved Health Care Bill included his Quail Chase Golf Club dues in Louisville.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Wheeling & Dealing

President Obama makes deal with China to remove all our debt. Fort Knox name to be changed to Mao's Vault!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Stop The Presses!

Massive 100 paparazzi pile-up shuts down traffic in Hollywood for hours!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

California Dreaming

State still in trouble, Schwarzeneger to tax blood from turnips!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Fun For Awhile

Last diary from Scott's doomed South Pole expedition reveals horseplay, short-sheeting of ten blankets & quilts and jokes before trip turned to disaster.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Plenty Of Customers Waiting

Doctors 'regrow a knee from scratch' in pioneering procedure. Next they will attempt a very shapely female ass from scratch.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Yoghurt For Teeth

Yoghurt slashes risk of children developing tooth decay 'by 22 per cent' say nearly-broke tooth fairies.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

First Asshole Ticket Given

Traffic policeman hands colleague speeding ticket as he rushes to be with his seriously ill baby. Receives one back from officer for being an asshole.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

New Test, Tester

Ultra-sensitive test to tell prostate cancer patients if they are cured after operation as doctor has extra sensitive nerves in his middle finger.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

You're Too Pretty To Work Here

Female banker files a lawsuit against Citigroup after she was 'fired for being too attractive'. "I look like a fried monkey and they know it!"

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Paralysed Man Wins Rugby Game

What a scrum-bag! 'Paralysed' man who claimed thousands in disability benefits caught on camera playing RUGBY. Then falls over and lies on back in dead cockroach position when camera spotted.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

NFL Brain Injuries

Ideas aplenty at forum on NFL and brain injuries as injured players walk about room repeating "My Cup Hurts!"

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Greek Crisis

Did 2004 Olympics spark Greek financial crisis? Should have been more Spartan.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Brooklyn Bridge Gets Makeover

Brooklyn Bridge getting a $500 million makeover. "Should be able to sell it for twice as much, twice as many times", says Bloomberg.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Hopper Remembered

Actor Dennis Hopper remembered at NM service, as a pain in the ass. "Dennis would be proud", states one friend.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Jackson Museum Plans Continue

Jackson's hometown moves ahead with museum plans as more white gloves, old noses arrive.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Coleman Divorced In 2008

Attorney says Gary Coleman, wife divorced in 2008. "I think he may have gotten in over his head", says attorney.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Teen Sex Update

Teen sex: More use the rhythm method for birth control, especially Rap music!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

No More Shark Fins

No more eating shark fin in Hawaii after new law. You can get the same benefits from dolphin lips, apparently,

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Still A Few Bugs In Equipment

Scientists begin 520-day Mars mission simulation. However, the first crew freezes to death.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Gore Turning Over In His Bed

Study: Coral atolls hold on despite sea-level rise, actually growing. "First Tipper leaves and now this", states Al Gore.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Big Dishwasher Recall

Fire risk leads to huge Maytag dishwasher recall. One measured six foot wide and seven fot tall. "No need for big dishwasher in the home", says Ralph Nader.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Markets Looking Up!

World markets up amid US employment hopes as leaking oil could provide 100,000 new jobs.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Kagen Invites Tough Treatment

In old article, Kagan invites tough questioning. "Hit me hard! Harder! Harder! Yeah!"

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

More Exercises, Reefers

Gates to troops: "US, South Korea will consider more joint exercises. Smoke them if you've got them."

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Time Is Money

Banks' allow members to pay with time, not cash. "It's 7:30 AM, CST. "Where's my money?"

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Chatter While Climbing Hills

Gulf spill workers complaining of flulike symptoms, feeling tarred, rod-knocking sounds.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

No Arms Checked?

Man kills judge, clerk at Brussels courthouse after becoming enraged over being called 'violent'.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Gets More Confusing Daily

Arrival of two more Turkish supply ships into Israeli waters delayed by attacking Somali pirates.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

BA Commits BooBoo

British Airways red-faced over faux image of Bin Laden boarding pass. Will change it to very elderly Hitler.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Migraines Dangerous

Migraine sufferers at greater risk of a stroke, lifeguards with migraines, a backstroke!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Satellite Shows Local Channels

DISH Satellite Network to start offering local channels, like "Cousin Elmer's Ant Farm Channel" down the block!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Curtain Lifting

Curtain lifting on Blagojevich corruption trial as it may be "curtains" for Blagojevich!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

BP Hits Another Snag

Once again, BP experiment in Gulf spill hits snag as Aquaman is highly pissed!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Great Tl Hear Those Gunshots Once Again!

Huge welcome home for Turkish activists from Gaza as three wounded from bullets being fired into the air.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

"Anything You Want"

Residents 'speak out' at Guthrie meeting. "We didn't know you could get nuclear weapons at 'Alice's Restaurant'.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

New Russian Training

Scientists begin 520-day Mars mission simulation. Begin by capturing Earth's women!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Specialist Called In

Russian Scientists begin 520-day Mars mission simulation. Ray Bradbury being consulted.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Tehran Tests Misinterpreted!

Iran says UN watchdog misinterpreted Tehran tests. "How can you expect a dog to understand?"

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Anger Over Meeting

Anger over Obama's meeting with Ariz. governor as Arizona citizens protest meeting with socialist leader.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Look On The Positive Side #2

BP Spokesman: You will be able to bus students here for many years and show them the biggest eco screw-up in history!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Look On The Positive Side

BP spokesman: Actually the black oil coming in over Pensacola's white beaches will give it a more artistic look.
Then ducks thrown shoes!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Others Should Comply

The chief U.S. negotiator of the new U.S.-Russia nuclear arms treaty wants similar progress from global disarmament talks. "Does little good for us to reduce weapons with others developing new ones."

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Bin Laden Boarding BA Airplane?

British Airways red-faced over faux image of Bin Laden boarding pass. PM wants to know who designed it. "We're catching it enough with the BP disaster!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Wake Up, The Whole Place In On Fire!

Fire risk leads to huge Maytag dishwasher recall. Sets lazy Magtag repair man's ass on fire to get busy!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Bad News Causes Migraines

Migraine sufferers at greater risk of a stroke, bad headaches.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Loyalty Rewarded

Loyalty takes butler from poor Nepal village to NY. Also 100 times the money, helped.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Militancy Boost

Gaza convoy raid may boost militancy, experts say. "From 100% to 110%!"

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

"Couldn't Forsee Saw Sticking"

Effort to contain Gulf oil stalls with stuck saw, now being checked and repaired while 20% more oil rushes toward Florida beaches.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Need A Common Enemy

Some Arab countries want Israel to stay. "If no Israel, we would be back to warring among ourselves and the dozen factions" says Egyptian leader.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Climate changed, says Gore

Having wasted his entire life spreading the word about Global Warming, Al Gore discovers the phenomenon isn't even sufficient to keep things hot in the bedroom.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Opik Becomes Comedian

After being ousted as a Lib/Dem MP, Lembit Opik, has become a comedian."I have been an MP for 13 years and my mum always said not to give up the day job, so this is a natural progression." he said.

written by IN SEINE, 03 June 2010
Rating:

So That's Why There Are Dark, Fuzzy Clouds Everywhere

According to the Met office, the weather is forecast according to the length of girl's mini skirts.

written by IN SEINE, 03 June 2010
Rating:

I'll make a magic boat and sail away

Irish ship carrying humanitarian aid that includes pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clover, and blue diamonds expected to reach Israeli blockade Friday.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Logic passes over Israel

Barak: "The UN's decision to investigate this raid before the incident ended indicates politicization, not concern for human rights." Does he wait for a rapist to finish before calling the cops, too?

written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 June 2010
Rating:

That ought to do it

Annoyed with criticism he's "too cool" in oil crisis, Obama notes previously clenched jaw and call to "plug the damn hole," then puts fist through wall, screaming, "What do you people want from me?"

written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Aw, nuts!!

Wealthy BP executives' family jewels remain safely tucked away even as thousands of tar balls come close to the Florida panhandle, devastating seamen at the naval base in Pensacola.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Undersea vaudeville

After failure of diamond saw, BP to try rougher cut and reattempt putting 'top hat' in place. Yes, a 'top hat.' With any luck, there's also a giant hook that will soon appear and pull BP offstage.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 June 2010
Rating:

English 'Wags" arrive in South Africa and can't spend a penny!

English soccer Wags arrived in Rustenburg and found to their horror, no luxury boutiques, jewellers and their hubbies locked away like a bunch of Franciscan Monks, hopefully they packed their dildo's!

written by Jaggedone, 03 June 2010
Rating:

BP to Charge Ducks for Stolen Oil.

BP has announced that it will send bills to the ducks and other animals who have stolen oil from their new "Oil Floatilla" in the Gulf of Mexico. "Look at that one over there; its napping in our oil!"

written by anthonyrosania, 03 June 2010
Rating:

BP Exec Jerry Lundegaard to Testify to Congress about Oil leak.

Congressman: I need to know how this happened!
Lundegaard: I'm... I'm not arguing here! I'm cooperating. So there's no need to... we're doin' all we can here. What the Christ.

written by anthonyrosania, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Spencer Pratt to Reporters: Ketchup, Salt or Pepper?

Spencer Pratt when asked to comment on his breakup with plastic-faced psycho babe Heidi, "I'll be just fine. Now, did you want to Super Size your meal?"

written by anthonyrosania, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Israel apologizes for flotilla deaths.

The IDF blames it on the enormous amount of confusion caused when IDF forces didn't recognize flash bang grenades and metal clubs as the new international sign of friendship, not acts of violence.

written by SirBeavis, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Al and Tipper Gore to divorce.

Tipper claims there was no affair. Points out that Al's fight to prevent "man made" global warming included preventing "man made global warming" in their relationship.

written by SirBeavis, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Drunk Teens Upload Nude Video To Facebook

Three drunk teen girls uploaded a video to Facebook that showed them cavorting completely naked. So far 4,244,852 people pressed the "like this" button.

written by anthonyrosania, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Ex-Wife of Gary Coleman fulfills Every Woman's Fantasy.

Shannon Price, ex-wife of Cary Coleman, lied about her marital status when she demanded Coleman be removed from Life Support. Since then, every divorced man on life support has hired private security

written by anthonyrosania, 03 June 2010
Rating:

BP to Drop Bruce Willis Into Gulf to Detonate Nuke, Stop Leak

BP spokemen say that they are shelving their recent "Operation Giant Tampon" strategy, in favor of dropping Bruce Willis into the Gulf to detonate a nuke. It worked in Armageddon, right?

written by anthonyrosania, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Itchy Situation Identified

Right to life group members were sentenced to long prison terms for placing poison ivy leaves in boxes of condoms! It could have lead to a prickly situation!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Environmental Pollution

The disastrous BP oil spill is leaking 20,000 barrels of oil per day into the Gulf of Mexico. However, the rabid environmentalists still manage to generate 50,000 barrels of bullshit per day!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 June 2010
Rating:

In the Name of Science

A deceased Democratic far left wing liberal has donated his brain to science. Doctors performing the autopsy indicate that they can't find any brain cells!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 June 2010
Rating:

It's Organic

Democratic Party political poop has been certified by the EPA as being organic, green, biodegradable and environmentally friendly.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Locusts

Progressive far left wing liberal Democrats appear every 40 years like locusts, temporarily destroying the American landscape with socialist ideas that don't work. Then they disappear!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Presidential Chicago Politics

Pres. Obama has screwed up health care, added $3 trillion to the debt & ignored illegal immigration. He now wants to mess up the energy sector to cover his impotence with respect to the BP oil spill!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 June 2010
Rating:

President Obama Takes Charge

Changing the oil in his 1976 Chevrolet the president spilled oil on the White House garage floor. He got his advisor Carol Browner to mop it up, as she claims to be knowledgeable about oil spills!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Obama Seeks Help with Oil Spill

The Obama Administration asks Donald Duck to help stem the gulf BP oil spill. The reasoning is the administration's response has been so "Mickey Mouse" that another cartoon character couldn't hurt!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Arizona Responds to California Boycott

Arizona has bought all illegal immigrants in the state airline tickets to fly to Los Angeles & San Francisco CA. The illegal immigrants can reside in these sanctuary cities, making both AZ & CA happy!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Connect the Dots

The American people have figured out the slime trail leads from Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich through Sen. Raymond Burris, Pennsylvania Congressman Sestak & Sen. Arlen Specter to the White House door.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Elvis Has Left The City!

The economy is Las Vegas is so bad that they have had to lay off over 100 Elvis Impersonators.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Sheen Out At Sea

Sheen confirmed less than 10 miles from Florida beach. Gulf residents panic until told it is oil sheen, not Charlie Sheen!

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Colonel Mustard, In The Gulf, Leaking Oil!

D. Morris: Conservatives are so enraged at Obama's socialism that they are increasingly surprised to learn that he is also incompetent. He doesn't have a clue! "Got that game for the girls years ago".

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Russia Aware Of Terrorists

Russia says terrorists seeking nuclear materials. "No shit!", states President Obama. "When did you first catch on?"

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Maybe Dick

Effort to contain Gulf oil stalls with stuck saw. "I fully expect Moby Dick to show up", sighs BP CEO.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Marvel Cancels Comic #25

Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Captain Marvelous" series after the one issue.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Marvel Cancels Comic #24

Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Conan The Libertarian" series after the one issue.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Marvel Cancels Comic #23

Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Buck Naked Rogers" series after the one issue.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Marvel Cancels Comic #22

Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Arak Of Iraq" series after the one issue.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
Rating:

Marvel Cancels Comic #21

Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Animal, Eric Burdon" series after the one issue.

written by Bureau, 03 June 2010
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