Spoof news snippets from Thursday 3 June 2010
The Cartoon Network to cancel "Mohammed The Moose & Shiite the Squirrel after only one showing. Will not be shown even after studio rebuilt.
More BGT Rejects
Brian Tantric and His Musical Chickens. He has 6 Mock Orpingtons and 3 Spangled Wyandottes. They have no melody, but cluck rhythmically along to Alsatian Folk Songs.
More BGT Rejects
Alan Splanchnic, the masturbating contortionist, who does well. In fact, he comes into his own. But it's a family show, so out she goes.
More BGT Rejects
Helmfried and Wilhelmina Pifferluce, who do Geometricks. Eg, they mould their bodies into polygons.
More BGT Rejects
George Marsupial, who hacksaws his own fingers off while reciting Longfellow's Hiawatha. "That poem always makes me want to do that", lies the lovely Amanda Holden.
More BGT Rejects
Sick Bag, which comprises the Baffler sisters, Dilys, 77, and Nessie, 79, who gorge on rotten prawns and projectile vomit to the 1812 Overture and Danny Boy.
Around the WIs
Pattercombe-with-Nurdstone are seeking entries in their best-dressed corpse competition. All are welcome, though Mrs Follicle warns: "After last year's "Burke and Hare" incident at St Judderer's, we only want unburied cadavres ths time."
More BGT Rejects
Hop It! - the Fleetwood dance troupe who hop their way through West Side Story numbers.
More BGT Rejects
Arnold Lunt, the Fish Impressionist, who impersonates such denizens of the deep as the haddock the skate and the john dory.
More BGT Rejects
Len and Ken Benn the Yodelling Yiddishe Twins who yodel in harmony to Flight of the Bumble Bee.
More BGT Rejects
Helmut Engelberger, the one-man oompah band.
Tatchel closet "traditionalist"
"Tatchel admits - I just couldn't get a girlfriend."
Salt and Battery?
Risk of severe complications noted for the 3,500+ people annually who ingest today's larger, stronger lithium batteries. U.S. government wants warning labels to protect "consumers."
Guitar, Not Fiddle Played During This Disaster
Sir Paul McCartney entertains Obamas at White House party, joking about Bush. Meanwhile first tar balls from Oil spill appear closer to Florida beaches.
Cuba's New Weapon
Barack Obama is blocking all new offshore drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, after regulators approved a new permit for drilling in shallow water. Meanwhile Cuba may drill to release more oil on the US!
He forgot about Dubya
Press Sec. Gibbs: White House not paralyzed by oil spill; has passed regulatory legislation, nominated Supreme Court justice. "Americans don't elect someone who can't walk, chew gum at the same time."
And The Game Goes On!
Obama to return to Gulf to assess efforts on spill! BP hurries 500 extra workers back to clean-up site!
Meth Cola Outlawed
Meth Cola, the controversial cola from Atlanta, has been ordered to stop production, after scientific evidence show no traces of Meth.
Sort Of Handy
Sixty three year old mother says that she didn't mean for it to happen. But at least she and the baby can share the baby food and diapers.
BP blames Canada
"If only they'd done the right thing and annexed to America," said an unnamed BP strategic planner, "the entire land would be ours to drill, and this little Gulf spill need never have happened."
Six loony hetro male Martians are locked away simulating a trip to mars, hopefully they remain that way?
6 Martians simulating a trip to Mars have been locked away from fe-males and only will receive e-males? Scientists are hoping they will remain hetro so Mars can be declared a pristine gay free zone!
Sex Classes Helping
Study shows that teenagers in school sex classes less likely to have sex. Especially after the condom instructions using a 14-inch gourd.
Prince Charles Upset
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles upset with Prince Harry after he lights horse fart. Both treated for minor burns.
Lieberman Endorses McCain
Joe Lieberman endorsed John McCain for the 2008 US President. "I know it's a little late but I lost a couple of years there somehow. Who's Susan Boyle?"
Tea Party shits pants after approval granted for illegal immigrant's union.
"Should Have Read It!"
Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky pulls fast one. Approved Health Care Bill included his Quail Chase Golf Club dues in Louisville.
Wheeling & Dealing
President Obama makes deal with China to remove all our debt. Fort Knox name to be changed to Mao's Vault!
Stop The Presses!
Massive 100 paparazzi pile-up shuts down traffic in Hollywood for hours!
State still in trouble, Schwarzeneger to tax blood from turnips!
Fun For Awhile
Last diary from Scott's doomed South Pole expedition reveals horseplay, short-sheeting of ten blankets & quilts and jokes before trip turned to disaster.
Plenty Of Customers Waiting
Doctors 'regrow a knee from scratch' in pioneering procedure. Next they will attempt a very shapely female ass from scratch.
Yoghurt For Teeth
Yoghurt slashes risk of children developing tooth decay 'by 22 per cent' say nearly-broke tooth fairies.
First Asshole Ticket Given
Traffic policeman hands colleague speeding ticket as he rushes to be with his seriously ill baby. Receives one back from officer for being an asshole.
New Test, Tester
Ultra-sensitive test to tell prostate cancer patients if they are cured after operation as doctor has extra sensitive nerves in his middle finger.
You're Too Pretty To Work Here
Female banker files a lawsuit against Citigroup after she was 'fired for being too attractive'. "I look like a fried monkey and they know it!"
Paralysed Man Wins Rugby Game
What a scrum-bag! 'Paralysed' man who claimed thousands in disability benefits caught on camera playing RUGBY. Then falls over and lies on back in dead cockroach position when camera spotted.
NFL Brain Injuries
Ideas aplenty at forum on NFL and brain injuries as injured players walk about room repeating "My Cup Hurts!"
Did 2004 Olympics spark Greek financial crisis? Should have been more Spartan.
Brooklyn Bridge Gets Makeover
Brooklyn Bridge getting a $500 million makeover. "Should be able to sell it for twice as much, twice as many times", says Bloomberg.
Actor Dennis Hopper remembered at NM service, as a pain in the ass. "Dennis would be proud", states one friend.
Jackson Museum Plans Continue
Jackson's hometown moves ahead with museum plans as more white gloves, old noses arrive.
Coleman Divorced In 2008
Attorney says Gary Coleman, wife divorced in 2008. "I think he may have gotten in over his head", says attorney.
Teen Sex Update
Teen sex: More use the rhythm method for birth control, especially Rap music!
No More Shark Fins
No more eating shark fin in Hawaii after new law. You can get the same benefits from dolphin lips, apparently,
Still A Few Bugs In Equipment
Scientists begin 520-day Mars mission simulation. However, the first crew freezes to death.
Gore Turning Over In His Bed
Study: Coral atolls hold on despite sea-level rise, actually growing. "First Tipper leaves and now this", states Al Gore.
Big Dishwasher Recall
Fire risk leads to huge Maytag dishwasher recall. One measured six foot wide and seven fot tall. "No need for big dishwasher in the home", says Ralph Nader.
Markets Looking Up!
World markets up amid US employment hopes as leaking oil could provide 100,000 new jobs.
Kagen Invites Tough Treatment
In old article, Kagan invites tough questioning. "Hit me hard! Harder! Harder! Yeah!"
More Exercises, Reefers
Gates to troops: "US, South Korea will consider more joint exercises. Smoke them if you've got them."
Time Is Money
Banks' allow members to pay with time, not cash. "It's 7:30 AM, CST. "Where's my money?"
Chatter While Climbing Hills
Gulf spill workers complaining of flulike symptoms, feeling tarred, rod-knocking sounds.
No Arms Checked?
Man kills judge, clerk at Brussels courthouse after becoming enraged over being called 'violent'.
Gets More Confusing Daily
Arrival of two more Turkish supply ships into Israeli waters delayed by attacking Somali pirates.
BA Commits BooBoo
British Airways red-faced over faux image of Bin Laden boarding pass. Will change it to very elderly Hitler.
Migraine sufferers at greater risk of a stroke, lifeguards with migraines, a backstroke!
Satellite Shows Local Channels
DISH Satellite Network to start offering local channels, like "Cousin Elmer's Ant Farm Channel" down the block!
Curtain lifting on Blagojevich corruption trial as it may be "curtains" for Blagojevich!
BP Hits Another Snag
Once again, BP experiment in Gulf spill hits snag as Aquaman is highly pissed!
Great Tl Hear Those Gunshots Once Again!
Huge welcome home for Turkish activists from Gaza as three wounded from bullets being fired into the air.
"Anything You Want"
Residents 'speak out' at Guthrie meeting. "We didn't know you could get nuclear weapons at 'Alice's Restaurant'.
New Russian Training
Scientists begin 520-day Mars mission simulation. Begin by capturing Earth's women!
Specialist Called In
Russian Scientists begin 520-day Mars mission simulation. Ray Bradbury being consulted.
Tehran Tests Misinterpreted!
Iran says UN watchdog misinterpreted Tehran tests. "How can you expect a dog to understand?"
Anger Over Meeting
Anger over Obama's meeting with Ariz. governor as Arizona citizens protest meeting with socialist leader.
Look On The Positive Side #2
BP Spokesman: You will be able to bus students here for many years and show them the biggest eco screw-up in history!
Look On The Positive Side
BP spokesman: Actually the black oil coming in over Pensacola's white beaches will give it a more artistic look.
Then ducks thrown shoes!
Others Should Comply
The chief U.S. negotiator of the new U.S.-Russia nuclear arms treaty wants similar progress from global disarmament talks. "Does little good for us to reduce weapons with others developing new ones."
Bin Laden Boarding BA Airplane?
British Airways red-faced over faux image of Bin Laden boarding pass. PM wants to know who designed it. "We're catching it enough with the BP disaster!
Wake Up, The Whole Place In On Fire!
Fire risk leads to huge Maytag dishwasher recall. Sets lazy Magtag repair man's ass on fire to get busy!
Bad News Causes Migraines
Migraine sufferers at greater risk of a stroke, bad headaches.
Loyalty takes butler from poor Nepal village to NY. Also 100 times the money, helped.
Gaza convoy raid may boost militancy, experts say. "From 100% to 110%!"
"Couldn't Forsee Saw Sticking"
Effort to contain Gulf oil stalls with stuck saw, now being checked and repaired while 20% more oil rushes toward Florida beaches.
Need A Common Enemy
Some Arab countries want Israel to stay. "If no Israel, we would be back to warring among ourselves and the dozen factions" says Egyptian leader.
Climate changed, says Gore
Having wasted his entire life spreading the word about Global Warming, Al Gore discovers the phenomenon isn't even sufficient to keep things hot in the bedroom.
Opik Becomes Comedian
After being ousted as a Lib/Dem MP, Lembit Opik, has become a comedian."I have been an MP for 13 years and my mum always said not to give up the day job, so this is a natural progression." he said.
So That's Why There Are Dark, Fuzzy Clouds Everywhere
According to the Met office, the weather is forecast according to the length of girl's mini skirts.
I'll make a magic boat and sail away
Irish ship carrying humanitarian aid that includes pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clover, and blue diamonds expected to reach Israeli blockade Friday.
Logic passes over Israel
Barak: "The UN's decision to investigate this raid before the incident ended indicates politicization, not concern for human rights." Does he wait for a rapist to finish before calling the cops, too?
That ought to do it
Annoyed with criticism he's "too cool" in oil crisis, Obama notes previously clenched jaw and call to "plug the damn hole," then puts fist through wall, screaming, "What do you people want from me?"
Wealthy BP executives' family jewels remain safely tucked away even as thousands of tar balls come close to the Florida panhandle, devastating seamen at the naval base in Pensacola.
After failure of diamond saw, BP to try rougher cut and reattempt putting 'top hat' in place. Yes, a 'top hat.' With any luck, there's also a giant hook that will soon appear and pull BP offstage.
English 'Wags" arrive in South Africa and can't spend a penny!
English soccer Wags arrived in Rustenburg and found to their horror, no luxury boutiques, jewellers and their hubbies locked away like a bunch of Franciscan Monks, hopefully they packed their dildo's!
BP to Charge Ducks for Stolen Oil.
BP has announced that it will send bills to the ducks and other animals who have stolen oil from their new "Oil Floatilla" in the Gulf of Mexico. "Look at that one over there; its napping in our oil!"
BP Exec Jerry Lundegaard to Testify to Congress about Oil leak.
Congressman: I need to know how this happened!
Lundegaard: I'm... I'm not arguing here! I'm cooperating. So there's no need to... we're doin' all we can here. What the Christ.
Spencer Pratt to Reporters: Ketchup, Salt or Pepper?
Spencer Pratt when asked to comment on his breakup with plastic-faced psycho babe Heidi, "I'll be just fine. Now, did you want to Super Size your meal?"
Israel apologizes for flotilla deaths.
The IDF blames it on the enormous amount of confusion caused when IDF forces didn't recognize flash bang grenades and metal clubs as the new international sign of friendship, not acts of violence.
Al and Tipper Gore to divorce.
Tipper claims there was no affair. Points out that Al's fight to prevent "man made" global warming included preventing "man made global warming" in their relationship.
Drunk Teens Upload Nude Video To Facebook
Three drunk teen girls uploaded a video to Facebook that showed them cavorting completely naked. So far 4,244,852 people pressed the "like this" button.
Ex-Wife of Gary Coleman fulfills Every Woman's Fantasy.
Shannon Price, ex-wife of Cary Coleman, lied about her marital status when she demanded Coleman be removed from Life Support. Since then, every divorced man on life support has hired private security
BP to Drop Bruce Willis Into Gulf to Detonate Nuke, Stop Leak
BP spokemen say that they are shelving their recent "Operation Giant Tampon" strategy, in favor of dropping Bruce Willis into the Gulf to detonate a nuke. It worked in Armageddon, right?
Itchy Situation Identified
Right to life group members were sentenced to long prison terms for placing poison ivy leaves in boxes of condoms! It could have lead to a prickly situation!
The disastrous BP oil spill is leaking 20,000 barrels of oil per day into the Gulf of Mexico. However, the rabid environmentalists still manage to generate 50,000 barrels of bullshit per day!
In the Name of Science
A deceased Democratic far left wing liberal has donated his brain to science. Doctors performing the autopsy indicate that they can't find any brain cells!
Democratic Party political poop has been certified by the EPA as being organic, green, biodegradable and environmentally friendly.
Progressive far left wing liberal Democrats appear every 40 years like locusts, temporarily destroying the American landscape with socialist ideas that don't work. Then they disappear!
Presidential Chicago Politics
Pres. Obama has screwed up health care, added $3 trillion to the debt & ignored illegal immigration. He now wants to mess up the energy sector to cover his impotence with respect to the BP oil spill!
President Obama Takes Charge
Changing the oil in his 1976 Chevrolet the president spilled oil on the White House garage floor. He got his advisor Carol Browner to mop it up, as she claims to be knowledgeable about oil spills!
Obama Seeks Help with Oil Spill
The Obama Administration asks Donald Duck to help stem the gulf BP oil spill. The reasoning is the administration's response has been so "Mickey Mouse" that another cartoon character couldn't hurt!
Arizona Responds to California Boycott
Arizona has bought all illegal immigrants in the state airline tickets to fly to Los Angeles & San Francisco CA. The illegal immigrants can reside in these sanctuary cities, making both AZ & CA happy!
Connect the Dots
The American people have figured out the slime trail leads from Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich through Sen. Raymond Burris, Pennsylvania Congressman Sestak & Sen. Arlen Specter to the White House door.
Elvis Has Left The City!
The economy is Las Vegas is so bad that they have had to lay off over 100 Elvis Impersonators.
Sheen Out At Sea
Sheen confirmed less than 10 miles from Florida beach. Gulf residents panic until told it is oil sheen, not Charlie Sheen!
Colonel Mustard, In The Gulf, Leaking Oil!
D. Morris: Conservatives are so enraged at Obama's socialism that they are increasingly surprised to learn that he is also incompetent. He doesn't have a clue! "Got that game for the girls years ago".
Russia Aware Of Terrorists
Russia says terrorists seeking nuclear materials. "No shit!", states President Obama. "When did you first catch on?"
Effort to contain Gulf oil stalls with stuck saw. "I fully expect Moby Dick to show up", sighs BP CEO.
Marvel Cancels Comic #25
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Captain Marvelous" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #24
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Conan The Libertarian" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #23
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Buck Naked Rogers" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #22
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Arak Of Iraq" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #21
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Animal, Eric Burdon" series after the one issue.
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