Spoof news snippets from Monday 28 June 2010
Free To Own Pistols
Supreme Court Extends Gun Owner Rights to State, Local Level. Chicago expects it's crime rate to increase from 90 percent to 95 percent.
Meanwhile In Toronto
In Toronto, G20 Leaders Agree to Cut Government Deficits in Half by 2013. Then laugh themselves silly.
Jon Abrahms discusses weapon's purchases
Jon Abrahms, son of Indian's South Of Border Mumbai town meets with German Defence Minister Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg to discuss weapon purchases.
Where is It?
That is the question on the worlds lips today! It must be somewhere? If you have any ideas where it is, and can help find it, please call your local Library or prostitute.
We need it back.
Popular diabetes drug puts heart at risk, especially for those who became diabetic from using drugs for their heart.
BP: More Delays
BP's plan to step up the capturing of oil from the Gulf leak will be delayed by Tropical Storm Alex, CEO back on yacht.
SKorean Ship Sinking Not Terrorism
US says sinking of SKorean warship not terrorism. "It was out & out war!"
Noriega Goes On Trial...Finally
Noriega goes on trial in France, after 22-year delay. "We had a few points of law to be made clear", says 88-year-old judge.
Vatican Admonishes Cardinal
Vatican admonishes Austrian cardinal for comments, shitting on rival's car.
Kagan vows to consider cases impartially as any other Democrat!
Madman Leaves Shadows!
I told you not to turn the fukin light on!!!!
NO 25 Mile High Club
Because of a ban on sex in the International Space Station, there will be no chance of a 25 mile high club.
Aliens Spooked by iPad...
"We just received our iPad. That's the biggest f-cking phone I've ever seen. These humans must be gigantic!!!
Noriega appears confused at trial in France. Keeps jumping up and doing the Macarena!
BP: Storm that is due to miss us to delay new oil-capture system.
Biden Wears Out CEO
General Electric CEO collapses during Biden speech. Biden only into third hour.
Obama To Get His Due?
Bill Clinton: Obama not getting his due. Rush Limbaugh: We're doing the best we can!
He's The Expert
Obama has vowed to double US exports in five years. Bernie Madoff will run it from prison.
John Cleese: I Trained Fidel Castro
It's a little known fact that all South American National Anthems are based on the Monty Python theme tune thanks to John Cleese's and Terry Gilliam's early careers as insurgents alongside Che Guevera
King On Washington
Larry King last night told the audience about the time he took George Washington to eat some hot wings. "His teeth caught on fire!"
Cheney Hoping To Leave Hospital Soon
As soon as he's out of the hospital, Dick Cheney intends to continue his a big feud with Joe Biden. He's thinking of Biden's possible choice of weapons, once Cheney slaps his face!
After 10 Years, We Got Suspicious
The U.S. Federal Trade Commission has disrupted an online scam that allowed offshore fraudsters to steal millions of dollars from U.S consumers. "Automatic Penis Pullers From Peru" not real, they say.
Israelie pigs escape to Gaza because Jews are secretly eating them!
Israeli Piggies are creating the biggest Exodus since Moses (or Bob Marley) because Israelies secretly love pork, it's not kosher but, they're very partial to a good ol bacon Sandwich for breakfast!
Germans show mercy on England!
After thrashing the English the Germans announced "we have done a merciful act!" asked why they replied "we saved the English from a real "Falkland" hammering by the Argies und ist es gut so!"
Byrd Has Flown
Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia dead at 92. "He's in a better nest", say relatives.
Competing For Kids
Rival Hamas, UN summer camps compete over children as rock fight breaks out.
"Now, Back To The Oil Leak!"
People watching the oil leak via video hookup outnumbers over half the shows on network television.
Iran accuses CIA of waging psychological warfare. CIA spokesman: What else can you use for crazy people?
Justices Vote Pro-Gun Ownership
Justices extend gun owner rights nationwide! "That's awful fast for the Supreme Court to act. I think they're shooting from the hip!"
England Team "Tired" Says Capello
The fans are "tired" too. Tired of England.
Joe The Plumber Sings
Republicans buying Joe The Plumber's New Song "It Takes A Lot To Laugh, It takes A Stopped Up Drain To Cry", old Bob Dylan Number.
Hope for depressed Lesbians
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.
Patient Was Awake
Patient claims she was awake some during during surgery. Remembers surgeon and nurses singing "Let's Get Drunk And Screw".
Acme has announced they will recall the all "Big Old Tit O' Matic" exercising product.
Best Song For Seprtember
Thus far this summer, students have voted "There's Something About" as best return-to-school movie.
End In December
Still another candy bar bites the dust as "Pop Jocks" will not be made after December.
Home Schools Making Cuts
Home schools to cut back on expenses. Lots of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches lunches help.
100 percent of school's first class college-bound. Christian school proud of all 5 graduates.
Americans Spend More
Americans spend more in May, sea incoming oil rise. Sorry, that should be "see incomes rise".
Byrd Dead At 92 Skidoo
Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia dead at 92. Choir will do Byrd's favorite hymn at service: "I'll Fly Away".
The Merry Go Round
Americans spend more in May, see incomes rise. Put it all on credit cards to pay later.
Unemployed to Work Longer!
Our unpaid reporter Inchcock Chambers, with sorrow, and sadness, reports that unemployed men over the age of 60, will be forced to work until they are seventy shortly. He says he is confused!
BP Staffers Draw Fire
BP Oil staffers admit that they were having a beer party two weeks after the oil spill. "That's what Obama does!"
NKorea Producing Arms At Record Pace
NKorea says it must bolster nuclear capability, number of cartoons for Kim.
Still On The Ass-Kicking Jag!
World leaders walk economic tightrope in Canada. The first person who states, "We must all hang together...etc will be kicked in the ass", states frustrated Obama.
Gun rights among Supreme Court's final decisions. "Guns have no rights", objects Judge Thomas. "People have rights!" (Guess which way he's gonna vote?)
CEO Not Resigning
BP denies CEO resigning, Gulf storm looms, Iran develops second nuclear devise. Just another day in Paradise.
New Appointee Interviewed
Kagan to break silence, wind as marathon vetting begins!
Can We Be Shaped?
Shapewear: Can clothes make the workout? "Yes says one man. "My folks kept my head in a lard can for 12 years & look at it. However, who do you think got the role of "Lardhead" in those Scary movies?"
Shapewear: Can clothes make the workout? Exercises in molds will make you assume that molded figure? "Only after 20-30 years say experts.
Longer Soccer Games?
Refs will get technology, but game will get worse, say Soccer Fans. Games Slowed to see if goal scored, player faked injury will make games 30 minutes longer.
More Study Needed
Why Do Couples Start to Look Like Each Other? Also, Why Do Kids Look Like Both? Study Continues!
Why We Look More Alike
Why Do Couples Start to Look Like Each Other? Mostly to protect themselves. "If she begins to look like me, I'll treat her better", says one expert.
Makes Sense (To Him)
Bin Laden hunter: I wanted to haul him to US alive, where we could kill him. Maybe a 3000-member firing squad.
Too Much Religion?
West's prisons can keep militant Islam out: study. "The rights of the other killer's religions must be protected."
Ready, Aim, Fire!
Gun rights among Supreme Court's final decisions. NRA members intend to fire weapons into the air either way it goes, in celebration or protests.
One Last Decision
Gun rights among Supreme Court's final decisions. Before they're all taken out and shot, according to the new health care program. See page 3076 footnote on 'Aged Leaders'.
Sumpremes To Decide
Gun rights among Supreme Court's final decisions. Many expect it to draw a lot of fire either way.
Byrd Did Not Die Of Flu
Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia dead at 92. "At least it wasn't flu', say relatives. Leno & Group would have hit that hard.
Back Out Of The Cornfield
Field of dreams: Pair wed on WEHS baseball diamond. Best Man: Shoeless Joe Jackson!
Energy Savings Program Begins
Energy savings program takes off. Obama may ask for night time blackouts like during WWII.
Losing More Energy Already
National energy savings program takes off, starting with an all-night beer conference with snacks.
Possibility Never Occurred To Many
Gulf oil spill: Raising awareness of the possibility that there are such things as leaking underwater oil spills possible.
Chinese Loses More Census Takers
Eleven more Chines census takers commit suicide trying to count number of "Chins".
Israeli inquiry into Godzilla flotilla raid opens. I'm sorry, that should have been "Gaza".
Easy Mistake To Make
Int'l observers praise Kyrgyz referendum. Then discover they are in Kajicistan.
Turkey Denies Space To Israel
Turkey closes airspace to some Israeli flights, especially heavily-loaded bombers.
Prince In Key Role
In New York, Prince Harry plays "Othello" for African charity.
Turkey Closes Airspace
Turkey closes airspace to some Israeli flights. Israel: "Turkeys can get into our planes motors. It's a good safety move".
Off The Cuff?
Israeli inquiry into Gaza flotilla raid opens. "We need to know why we did it", states Judge.
Smooth Voting Approved
Int'l observers praise Kyrgyz referendum. "More open than the ones we stage at home."
Prince Harry On Charity
In NY, Prince Harry wears Polo for African charity. I'm sorry, that should be "plays" polo.
Keeping An Eye Out!
Alex grows back into tropical storm over Gulf. It's eye still trying to figure out oil spill.
Under Lots Of Pressure, Money
US Sen. Lautenberg of NJ says he's cancer-free. 98 other Senators attempting to become alcohol-free.
"Can't We Retire At 30?"
French youths protest over higher retirement age, after being told they had to work 30-40 years first.
Lots Of Deploring
Pope deplores Belgian sex raids, stresses autonomy. Belgiums deplore having children assaulted by priests.
No Raids Needed
Pope deplores Belgian sex raids, stresses autonomy. Belgium: Then have the priests chemically castrated.
Rock & Hard Place
Americans are treated, and overtreated, to death. But without treatment, many would die.
China's young college grads toil in 'ant tribes'. We knew one day ants & billions of Chinese would get together.
Every Generation, Always The Same
Pakistan: 5 Americans appeal terror convictions. Lawyer" Young people! You know how they are?"
Whole Gulf Full?
The admiral in charge of the spill response was headed back to the Gulf Coast a day after Mississippi Coast hit with oil. Also, Castro wants a 'word' with BP as spill approaches.
Electrocuted Hoff pops his body.
David Hasslehoff danced like Peter Crouch front of a live audience at America's Got Talent after static fron his nylon thong arced to his pacemaker. Piers Morgan and Sharon Osbourne buzzed him off.
Surgeon removes entire ladygarden - gets suspended
An surgeon at Guys hospital blames hearing aid failure after he removed the entire external genitalia(vulva)of a woman who reported with a vuvuzela stuck in her throat. Mr Nodookie has been suspended.
Coup in Australia: Civil War Between Sports Fans of Different Affiliations Feared
A bloody civil war is feared between Rugby League supporters and Soccerroos after the Oz coup. Cricket fans have offered to negotiate an armistice by being the object of ridicule of both sides
John Prescott Speaks
We asked John Prescott, Did you realise you have speech writers available? re his 1998 statement "The green belt is a Labour achievement, and we mean to build on it", my parentage was questioned!
TUC Acting Unfair?
Why is it that the TUC continue to refuse membership to the Union of Gas Lamp Whick Trimmers Almalgamated?
News From Other Countries: Canada
Canada is changing its Slogan again. Now it is "Canada, come for our legalized pot, stay for our Human Rights Tribunals."
News From Other Countries: Cape Verde
Cape Verde: Cape Verdean state airline, TACV is to buy two aircraft to increase its fleet. World: YAWN!!!
Why my SCRAM bracelet went off...
I didn't drink booze, I ------ a drunk guy.
Local man's girlfriend says...
..."Marmaduke is so adorable". Man responded with an uppercut to the uterus.
Helen Thomas looks like...
...Grampa from The Munsters if he had on a Bay City Rollers wig. Not that I don't still want to eat her.
More Proof That the World is Insane...
Helen Thomas was dropped by her agent for her opinion. Roman Polanski still has a f--king agent!!!
Hall & Oates cancel Phoenix concert in protest of Arizona immigration law.
If that's not a sign the law is great, nothing is.
CNBC host: Obama sullied the office of President with 'ass to kick' line.
Apparently Clinton didn't when he used Monica Lewinski's fallopian tubes as a humidor.
"Back to the Future" to be released as a new video game
"Back to the Future" to be released as a new video game this winter. It's called, "Enough With This Piece of Sh-t Franchise Already"
What does Ralph Macchio think?
Ralph Macchio says he has mixed feelings about Karate Kid remake. The entire free world says it has no feelings about Ralph Macchio.
Trouble for J.Lo at Puerto Rican Day Parade...
...the car carrying she and Marc Antony broke down. Minutes later the 20'' rims, ground effects and whale-tail was missing, and the car was up on concrete blocks.
News From Other Countries: Cameroon
What do you call a central African county, bordered by Nigeria and Chad, which dated Justin Timberlake? CAMEROON DIAZ! Hahahaha, HA! I'm funny.
News From Other Countries: Cambodia
UN: "Cambodia must bolster the independence of its judiciary to ensure it can provide justice for all, for woe be to those that live in that sh-thole."
News From Other Countries: Burundi
Republic Of Burundi. Twa on Monday, Tutsi on Tuesday, Hutu on Wednesday, Civil War on Thursday, Worse on Friday, Genocide on Saturday, UN Relief on Sunday. This is the end Of Republic Of Burundi.
News From Other Countries: Burkina Faso
In Burkina Faso, poor rains led to an estimated 17 percent decline in cereal production in 2009. "Two scoops of raisins, my ass!" said President Jfcjvghjbl.
News From Other Countries: Bulgaria
Bulgaria's 3rd annual gay parade "Sofia Pride" went without violent incidents largely thanks to the decisive actions of the 300 riot police officers in assless chaps guarding the rally.
News From Those Other Countries! Brunei Darussalam
The National Anti-Drug Association of Brunei Darussalam (Basmida) first ever photography competition has received positive response; Only 0 to 4 IED killings.
The Nurse in iconic WWII kissing photo dies at age 91.
The nurse in iconic WWII kissing photo dies at age 91. Hard to feel sad, at least the US WON the war she was around for.
Surprise Visit From President Clinton
Bill Clinton surprises US World Cup team in locker room after the game by doing 'the helicopter' with his Willie.
Strikeforce Fedor vs Fabricio, in a nutshell
Fedor v Fabricio: Fedor punches, Fabricio falls. Fedor follows, Fabricio kicks. Fedor leans in, Fabricio wraps his leg around Fedor and squeezes until Fedor's brain juice runs down his leg. Tap, tap.
Twin Pensioners Born
Mildred Clarice Joyce of Chipping Sodbury today gave birth to twin pensioners a staggering 65 years after getting pregnant to a de-mobbed solider at the end of WWII.
No Debate Needed
The Food police say fast food restaurants serve unhealthy food, but this statement is up for debate. No debate is needed for fast food restaurant commercials which are definitely very annoying Crap!
Pass the Cream and Sugar
A new study released this week indicates drinking four cups of coffee per day is good for people. Quick drink all the Java you can, as another study next week will refute this week's study!
Eating Red Meat OK
A new study indicates eating all kinds of red meat is good for people! Unemployed animal rights groups ask the federal government for stimulus money until a new cause can be created!
They Don't Give a Crap
A Maryland County is going to stop putting Porta-Potties in public parks to save $150,000 to help balance their budget. Taxpayers wonder what kind of other S**t is still in the budget!
Stimulus Money to Create Crappy Jobs
President Obama is to use stimulus money to create 50 federal jobs in Maryland! These workers will be employed to clean up a Maryland County's public parks where the Porta-Potties are being removed!
Are socialist left wing anti-globalism protestors outside the Toronto G-20 meetings exercising free speech by breaking windows? Canadian glaziers may be happy, but 34 million Canadians are pissed-off!
Over Here, Overtaxing and Over Spending
The G-20 meetings indicated that countries must end economic stimulus funding & begin deficit reduction. However, President Obama & Congressional Democrats are over here, overtaxing and overspending.
Foxes Guarding the Henhouse?
Dodd-Frank Legislation for Wall Street reform is before Congress. Isn't this a clear case of the foxes writing a bill protecting their shenanigans with FANIE MAE & FREDDIE MAC using taxpayer money?
Vice President Biden was diagnosed with a case of foot-in-mouth disease at an early age. While various treatments have been tried, he has never quite recovered from the malady!
A New Bird is Seen
Digital Canadian geese have been spotted in the USA. These geese can be easily recognized, as they always congregate in googles!
Be Careful Out There!
President Obama warns the US against relying too much on foreign lead-coated products.
Just A Reminder
Sarah Palin, at the tea party convention, mocked president Obama for using a teleprompter and then someone noticed that she had notes written on her hand. But all it said was, "They're all naked!"
Latest On Obama
The United Procrastinators Of America say that President Obama's first month as President has gone well.
The Bowling Green Vuvuzela Chamber Orchestra nominated for a Musical Grammy for "Bllllaaarrhhh! In C Minor"
If you see almonds in your dream you'll have a temporary sorrow. Just ask Greg Almond about Duane! (Actually it's Allman but let's not split hairs)
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