Spoof news snippets from Monday 21 June 2010
Water On Moon Polluted
Water discovered on the moon shows some spilled oil from visit by US astronauts.
That's My Gal, Ellie!
New Jersey daughter in fight with dad on father's day has police visit. "The only thing that man ever gave to me is this six inch nose!"
Income Tax Office Tells Woman "You Are Deceased"
And the silly mare insists she isn't!
Iran Issues Warnings
Iran issues warning to 62,000 'badly veiled' women. Demand full frontal prudity!
Can Vuvuzela Craze Save Baseball?
Vuvuzela craze spreads to baseball. Many hope racket will speed up players wanting to get game over.
Sequel to Miracle on 34th Street Due for Release in November
"Yes Virgina, You have a Vagina," is set to hit theaters for the holiday season.
Also, "Kent! Change At Home!
Telephone booths now allow no smoking, use of cell phone on the premises!
Rock climber, Eileen Over, was rescued from another cliff face fall. Husband, Itsall Over said; "I told the silly cow not to look down".
Rescue pilot Major Look, said; "Third time this month"
Jamie Bulger killer offered role of "kinky Peter Pan"!
after being caught downloading dubious images of children the kiddy killer of Jamie Bulger, Jon Venables, has been offered the role of a "kinky Peter Pan" because he's never grown up!
Attention: Dominos Pizza has recalled over 1,0000 home delivered pizzas.
Dollar Down Again
The US Dollar lowered again. This time it's against the rise of the seas. Nation may float capital.
Miley Cyrus Comes Up With Plan to Take Attention Off Her Vagina
She's planning on getting a boob job.
BP Fails Again!
BP fails once again, at as CEO found on his yacht offshore of England. Both Public relations and stopping the leak!
Anelka told to walk home to France
In South Africa today, the media are reporting that Nicolas Anelka is walking home to France. Reports suggest he is currently somewhere near Walvis Bay, Nigeria.
Can't Lose With Beer!
The healthy properties of beer when consumed in moderation are great, according to a new report. The drink is a rich source of vitamins, fibre, minerals, antioxidants & makes the mate look better.
Dirty Look Because He Was Dirty
Cannibal killer murdered and ate his cellmate 'for giving him a dirty look'. Asks 'Do you know how long it took to clean those kind up?"
Women On Sub Fleet
The Royal Navy is preparing to allow women to serve on its submarine fleet for the first time, defence sources say. "It's about time", states men crews.
BP Knew Safety Equipment Faulty
Gulf of Mexico oil spill: BP was told about faulty drill safety equipment weeks before disaster but CEO was gone on his yacht.
AA Plane Looses Door
American Airlines jetliner door snaps off at DFW. "Good thing we had one of those two-seater Bigasses on board to plug it", says Captain.
Timeline On Michael Jackson's Last Day
AP timeline details Michael Jackson's last day and the 3,000 spoofs that were out that same night.
Whaling Ban Choices
Future of commercial whaling ban rests with Japan, any living whales left.
Twin Threats Worsening
Roundup resistant weeds pose environmental threat. Also, mud resistant politicians pose lack of intelligence threat.
Gulf Oil Sill Costs Soar
BP's Gulf oil spill costs reach $2 billion. That's over $500 thousand since last spill snippet!
They're Combining Apparently
Biovail, Valeant Pharma agree to combine. In what, who knows?
Afghanistan Pullout #3
Troop pullout in Afghanistan set for next summer. China tells, US, Russia "Our turn next!"
Afghanistan Pullout #2
Troop pullout in Afghanistan set for next summer. "Cakewalk" almost completed.
Afghanistan Troop Pullout
Troop pullout in Afghanistan set for next summer, but has missed three already.
Tea partiers wary of regulation, even in BP spill. Could it be that present government won't allow thousands of boats to help clean it up because of regulations? Naaah!
Scum Worse Than Oil
Gulf paymaster: People are in 'desperate' shape here but it must be worse in Washington having to live with scum.
People On The Gulf Are Desperate
Gulf paymaster: People are in 'desperate' shape. BP CEO, back from yacht races, Obama & Biden, back from golf weekend, agree!
Pot Hurts Custody Battle
Medical pot can cost parents in custody disputes, especially those who have named kids, "Doobie" and "Mary Jane".
They Should Know
Hundreds urged to evacuate ahead of AZ wildfire. New Orleans says it's a curse because of illegal immigrant laws.
Some Good News For A Change
Family Attorney: Jackson children just normal kids. Let's hope so!
Piece Of Shit Still Around
One Star Bandit hits snippets site with 5 one-stars on one subject. Snippers proclaim: "Bring It On!"
Arizona Citizens Evacuate
Hundreds urged to evacuate ahead of AZ wildfire. Mexico protests that they're sending flames their way.
Afghans Abusing Heroin
Afghans increasingly abusing opium, heroin. Hard to understand with such peaceful people.
Afghans Abusing Opium
Afghans increasingly abusing opium, heroin. There's simply no reason for it in a beautiful land like that.
Abnormal radiation detected near Korean border as bumbling Kim may wipe out his own country.
Montana Census First Completed, Still 47
Montana police guard zone damaged by tornado as storm blew away the only three houses in 10,000 acre area. Police on lookout for looter.
Quite A Blowout!
UK's Prince William celebrates 28th birthday with 20,000 candle cake!
In The Know!
Why Summer Begins Monday. Astronomers say it's because it's June 21st.
"We Did Locate One!"
Iran bans 2 IAEA inspectors from entering Iran. Asks only gay person to leave.
Report: Van der Sloot retracts murder confession. "Just putting you on. See my lawyer."
New Agers, neo-pagans, Edgar Cayce sleepers see Stonehenge solstice!
Chairman Mao Badly Shod
China cracks down on shoddy statues of Chairman Mao. Feet are like Bozo.
China cracks down on shoddy statues of Chairman Mao, especially those with two faces.
Too Many Names
Report: Kurkish troops hunt down Turdish rebels. I'm sorry, Turkish troops hunt down Kurdish rebels.
Hard To Control Weather
Heavy rains kill at least 175 in southern China. Seeded cloud effect may be returning to haunt Chinese.
Major News Source Accused Of Making Up Names
Rights group says Kyrgyz police attack Uzbeks, say Ritzgyz. But Zrkkasz say no!
Canada's Economy Great #2
Canada's economy is suddenly the envy of the world. Mostly due to patents registered by the inventions of Red Green.
Canada's Economy Great
Canada's economy is suddenly the envy of the world. "No wonder", says Al Gore. "They'll catch global warming later than US."
Like A Rotisserie
Why Skin Cancer Is on the Rise? Hard to understand after more people out of the sun and into old-fashioned tanning beds.
Iran Still Posing
Iran bans 2 IAEA inspectors, Israeli commandos from entering Iran.
$2 Billion To Start
BP's Gulf oil spill costs reach $2 billion, and that's only a drop in the barrel.
Member Of Government Claims Less Expenses!
The Minister of Finances has reprimanded the member, adding that this sort of unthinking behaviour is demeaning to normal expense fiddling Members, and should be avoided at all costs.
Irradiated Toadstool Discovery
The affects of irradiated toadstool's on the nether regions of the Outer Mongolian Gungo bean crop, when the moon is full, is detrimental.
Good News for State of Michigan!
It no longer has highest rate of unemployment in US. Is now second in that category. Way to go!
Night Security Guard Caught Awake!
Alf Erder, night security officer for Sodyou Security confirmed this revelation as he was packing up his TV set, laptop, The Sun, and his 'Nudists on the beach' magazines.
Woman Installs Knob Chompers Inside Butter Gutter.
A really, really mean, vindictive Physician in South Africa invents a female condom that acts as birth control By Disallowing Penetration.
That is all I have to say about that.
Ponce Wins US Open, is pressured to kill herself.
The US Open was won by poof Grammy McDonglick, shooting an underwhelming PAR for the flipping Tournament. The LPGA has rejected his application because he's too fey to be a lady golfer. USA! USA!
Hillary Clinton To Wave At Snipers in Pakistan Before Ducking
Hillary is ready to make amends for her ridiculous "I got shot at by snipers in Bosnia" claim.Mrs Clinton will be visiting Pakistan,and is looking forward to ducking from snipers for real this time.
Never Ate One
Scientists now say that modern man ate the Neanderthals. I hereby deny that neither myself nor my family ever ate a Neanderthal, unless of course, he was in the bushmeats they found in Paris recently.
2010 Census Early Report
2010 Census: Average politician in Washington 53, balding, takes steroids & Viagra and that's just the women.
Quite A Buzz
Some World Cup fans say they like the vuvuzelas! "You can get a buzz here without smoking anything."
Not Talking about Monks, Either
On Father's Day, Obama praises 'two-father' families, tree-father, sometimes up to five-father families.
That's Why We Always Said, "He Knew His Wife".
Visiting aliens secretly leave message to help advance the human race in sky for earthling to follow: "Earth Men Think With Wrong Organ!"
The Big Three
Makers of Cialis, Levitra and Viagra stocks climb as they point the way towards a bare market!
During trial American guards were asked why they stacked naked POW's naked on the floor. "Because we were running them through showers! We followed protocol and put the General on top.""
Big Bang No Theory
Hottest temperature ever causes science group meeting to discuss the Big Bang! "Everyone got so hot and bothered", explained nude scientist to police. "It just happened!"
Alaskan family gives up on small-town North Dakota after meeting three people in the past two years. Two crowded here. People nosing into everything.
Before Twilight #12
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Jacob Hears A Howl!"
Before Twilight #11
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Love At First Bite"
Before Twilight # 9
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Midnight Howl Boy"
Before Twilight #8
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Fang "Em High!"
Before Twilight #7
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Our Neck Of The Woods"
Before Twilight #6
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "It Happened Every Night"
Before Twilight #5
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Suck Soup"
Before Twilight #4
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Easy Biter"
Before Twilight #3
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Hot Blood In The City"
Before Twilight #2
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, Fangs A Lot, Charlie Brown Cullen"
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Edward & Isabella's Excellent Adventure"
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