Spoof news snippets from Sunday 20 June 2010
That's What We Figured
WIRE: Obama oil spill commission picked for their politics, not engineering skill. "I owe them all political favors."
Fan To Sue Shit
Fan says that it will sue Shit for assault because it hit it when it wasn't looking, but Shit says "Let it. I don't give a shit. I've never been a big fan of his, anyway."
Faceoff In Mideast
US, Israel Warships in Suez May Be Prelude to Faceoff with Iran. Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia repeats for 12th time, that it's OK to use their air space.
Sure They Are
US, Israel Warships in Suez May Be Prelude to Faceoff with Iran. Or they could just be there for Rahm Emanuel's son's bar Mitzvah.
A Moment With Al Gore
Al Gore says that people who don't believe in global warming are nuts. Then began a song as per his usual speech: "There's no such thing as Mother Goose, Disneyland or Dr. Seuss, no nursery rhymes."
Minimum Wage Reality
UK budget predictions show that the newly elected coalition government will introduce a "Minimum Wage For All UK Tax Payers" policy that will run for one year and clear the UK deficit in one!
Let Them Drink Tizer
In an effort to to prove that "we are all in it together", the government is to sell off its entire cellar of wine. Estimated value £850,000. They intend buying £5,000 worth of Tizer for banquets.
Police Deny Story
Police denied they keep thier sandwiches under thier helmets. When Inspector Crisphaket was asked why he smelt of fried bacon, he said; " I ave been arrestin a suspect in the local cafeteria.
Mr Albert Scratchit say's he could have sworn he heard his body lice singing; "You've got me under your skin" whilst laying in bed last night.
Fan who entered England dressing room was 'just looking for the toilet'
Where he thought the team had deposited his hopes and dreams
Plus He's Completely Nude
O J Simpson moved to yet another cell as still another roommate says he "air" knifes people in his sleep.
Need To Have Pilot's License
Manute Bol dead after hitting his head on lawn chair of man aloft in helium balloons.
Paypal Good With Big Al
PayPal to become a way to pay for Facebook ads, loans from Big Al Delucci. He always calls customers, "Pal".
New Safety Measure
Airlines installing scales for weight for fatsos under seats. Will balance both sides of the plane before takeoff!
Game Back On!
Tiger Woods is now in third place at PGA Tourney. Blames female streaker for bogeying first 2 holes.
Gulf Not The Only Leak
FANNIE AND FREDDIE tab 146B and rising; Foreclosed on home every 90 seconds. National debt to China at record levels.
Obama, GOP At Odds
Obama says Republicans making life harder for the jobless. GOP says there shouldn't be this much joblessness.
Princess Marries Personal Trainer
Sweden celebrates as princess marries her personal trainer in biggest royal wedding for decades. "He really showed me the ropes", states Princess, as they tie the knot.
Bimbos Smarter Than Previously Thought
Why 'bimbos' like the late Anna Nicole Smith are cleverer than they seem. "Muffins manage to get YOUR money, don't they?"
Blow Me Down
Wind turbines with blades bigger than the London Eye could be the future of green energy. Blowing a vuvuzela behind one will be illegal with heavy charges.
Legalized Muggers Banned?
Government to ban 'legalised muggers' who charge up to £800 to release cars, £1200 to release hostages.
Cameron Wants More Patriotism
Cameron wants country to show greater appreciation for armed forces 'more loudly and more proudly', as many youth respond with, "We have an Armed Forces?"
Manute Bol Dies
Manute Bol, NBA player-humanitarian, dies at 47. Will have 20 pall bearers at funeral.
Toy Story 3 The Buzz Here
'Toy Story 3' lives up to buzz (sorry Cup fans) with $41M opener!
Bushmeat In Paris
Tons of bushmeat smuggled into Paris, study finds. "Look at contents label of canned meat for monkey ass, lizard tails, etc.
We'll Get Back To You
US decision on ethanol blend, everything else put off until fall, maybe winter.
Highly Paid Panel To Submit Policy
Obama spill panel big on policy, not engineering. "Why can't we just cork it?"
Kagan unscathed after revelations from past. No more dishonest that the other eight.
Police Case Unusual
Local man flips out, kills himself and then wounds three others in Bear Wallow, Kentucky.
Santos Favored To Win
Santos very highly favored in Colombia fixed vote.
Some Not Even Watching Games!
Huge crowds at South African games still buzzing about...well, still buzzing about everything!
Best Way To Communicate
Twitter traffic spikes with World Cup goals as those at the games can no longer hear each other's voices over buzz!
Change Of Heart
A Hong Kong publisher scraps plans to publish alleged insider account of Beijing's decision-making behind the 1989 Tiananmen Square crackdown because of copyright, wishing to stay alive, problems.
Hurricanes More Important This Season
Tropical Storm Celia near cusp of hurricane force in Pacific. Meanwhile Gulf residents watching the weather close from the Atlantic.
Combining Global Leadership
France, Russia vow to promote global role of G-20. Led by Putin, Sarkozy of course.
Gulf Liberation Army Forming!
White House chief: Yacht trip another gaffe by BP. BP Chief: Obama and Biden golf weekend another gaffe by U.S leaders.
Replacing Rockefellers and Morgans?
Saudi investor prince meets with Qatar wealth fund. Light cigarettes with $1,000 dollar bills.
Army Attacks Suicide Numbers
A victory as the US Army mounts anti-suicide campaign. Unfortunately, the Taliban and Al-Qaida take the opposite approach.
Gulf Oil Spill #2
Authorities say oil leak could continue for 2-3 years. By then, we may be pumping salt water out of oil.
Gulf Oil Spill
Authorities say oil leak could continue for 2-3 years. BP CEO "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Say that again"
Flooding hits ________, several swept away in once in a 1,000-year disaster. This seems to be happening weekly in a different location. Many blame Al Gore.
They Talk But They Do Not Walk
BP CEO's yacht outing infuriates Gulf residents. Obama and Biden having a day of golf not exactly favored either.
Indian-Americans Running For Office
Record number of Indian-Americans seeking office as opposed to American-Indians. The only native American I recall, was Nader's running mate in 2000.
Brown Was Absent from Ex-Chancellors Meeting
When George Osborne invited former chancellors to lunch to offer words of wisdom, ex-Chancellor and ex-Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was noticeably absent. Apparently he had no wisdom to give.
Democrats insulted by BP "Small People" Remark.
Dems find the term insulting due to a belief that only Dems care about and are allowed to use terms like: little guy, average guy, common American, main street or any other term to describe non elites
Bugs Bunny Laid to Rest
Bugs Bunny was put down today after being diagnosed with rabies. Vet was visibly shaken after Bugs's last words "Whats up doc? Say thats a big needle..."
Hand Game Olympics
In a stunning victory over paper, scissors advances to the finals where it will face returning champion rock. Showdown live tomorrow on ESPN2.
Weight Loss Tip!*
Tired of diets? Studies show that if you just hold your breath for 20 consecutive minutes every day you can lose up to 98% of your body weight in 1 week. *Side effects may include death.
Army Ants Have The Bomb
Military Intel has reason to believe that Army Ants in the jungles of Brazil may have gained uranium enriching technology. This could pose a major threat to US pesticide corporations.
In an ironic twist, ships tending to the BP oil spill have run out of fuel, leaving them stranded in the Gulf of Mexico. A rescue operation is under way.
Beyonce To Release Vuvuzela Single.
Can't be worse than 'All The Single Ladies Put A Ring On It' say industry insiders.
Talking Heads Complain
Authorities are investigating 40 human heads found on a Southwest Airlines flight. Authorities were alerted after the heads complained about having to purchase 40 seats when 3 would have been plenty.
Give Us Some Time
As Pay Czar Promises Money, Workers Turned Away From BP Claims Center! "We didn't say when!"
Everybody's Going Somewhere
BP CEO GOES SAILING! OBAMA GOES GOLFING! GULF OF MEXICO GOES TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET!
When Childrens' Shows Hit The Silver Screen. #4
The Academy Award for Best Song in a Feature Film goes to...
"I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the MAP!", Dora the Explorer, the Search for Backpack."
When Childrens' Shows Hit The Silver Screen. #3
Coming Soon: From the company that brought you "Deep Inside Betty White", Vivid Elegance Video presents Po, the Teletubby who got nasty, in "Give Po All Your Tubby Custard."
Things Looking Up!
Obama disagrees with General, says some progress has been made in Afghanistan, "The first Farfalle Hut has reopened in Islamabad!"
Man in Texas says that he didn't believe that "How Many Inches" was on that Census Worker's list of questions.
Leaking oil well deeper than originally told, as buried cabbage from Korea begins washing ashore.
Suit Sound Doubtfull
Authorities suspicious of Arkansas family showing baited hook son found in spaghetti at Pizza Pizza chain restaurant. "That was one of Old John's "Catfish Magic flies. Who'd bait that hook?"
In Addition To Health Care Plan
President Obama once again carefully explains that people can still keep their private insurance. "If you want your privates insured, that's fine with me."
Fed Agrees With Russian Proposal
Fed Chairman Bernanke says that a universal currency could be great. "Since dollars would be worthless, we'd print and pay off all our debts right before changing currency."
When Childrens' Shows Hit The Silver Screen. #2
Coming soon, from Judd Apatow and Dreamworks Entertainment, Russell Brand, Jason Biggs, Paul Rudd, and Jason Segel in "The Wiggles: Untalented Basterds."
Baskins Robbins #13
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Peter Butter Pecan", the least favorite of their customers.
Baskins Robbins #12
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "French Bordello", the least favorite of their customers.
Baskins Robbins #11
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Very Beery Curry", the least favorite of their customers.
When Childrens' Shows Hit The Silver Screen. #1
America Ferrera is Dora, The Stone Roses' Ian Brown is Boots, in "Dora the Explorer: The Search For Backpack."
When Reality Shows Hit The Silver Screen. #1
Rob Schneider is Jon;
Jane Kaczmarek is Kate, in "Jon and Kate Plus 8: The Movie." Starts September 13th, only in Theaters.
Texting While Driving Solution
A contest was held to find the best solution to stop people from texting while driving. The winner was a small plate mounted under the driver's butt that administers a non lethal Taser-like shock.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
President Obama looked in his White House bathroom Mirror and saw Former President Jimmy Carter smiling and saying "Hello fellow one termer!"
HHS Senior Citizen Advisor Appointed
Now that health care reform is law various high level appointments have been made by the Obama administration. Dr. Jack Kevorkian has been designated as HHS's Senior Citizen Advisor!
EPA Sues NASA
The EPA has filed an environmental lawsuit against NASA. The suit alleges NASA's Mars Lander destroyed a wetland on Mars, while searching for liquid water.
Baltimore MD Bottle Tax
A hotly contested 4 cent per bottle tax on some drinks, to help balance the city's budget, was defeated. Proponents say that once beer bottles are removed, the bill stands a chance of passing!
Yes It's a Bad Spill, But……….
President Obama declares a moratorium on off shore oil drilling because of the BP oil leak. That's like spilling a gallon of milk at the supermarket and then shooting all the dairy cows!
Take Me to your Leader
The BP oil leak in the gulf has caused President Obama to be in "deep Yorkshire pudding" when it comes to demonstrating leadership skills!
Major News Organizations Boycott Royal Wedding
Harry Royal married Sadie Jones in a gala Chicago IL wedding, but Reuters, Associated Press, Fox News and CNN never showed up for the festivities!
Iranian cleric issues a fatwa against unclean dogs! Not to be outdone, publisher Hugh Hefner issues an editorial about unclean pussies!
Wright Brothers Cancel First Airplane Flight
Dec. 17, 1903 the Wright brothers cancelled their first heavier than air flight! EPA said the airplane had no permit, emitted gasoline fumes & CO2, and made noise. FAA also required a flight plan.
President Obama blames Republicans for "Gridlock!" Republicans say Gridlock is not allowing excessive Democratic liberal left wing spending to cause the national debt to becoming $20 trillion!
BP News Correction
UK environmentalists were seen on the Isle of Wight cheering & waving at BP CEO Tony Hayward, as the yacht he was on went by under sail power only. Oh, correction they were jeering & waving ropes!
White House to be Torn Down
EPA determines the White House is built on top of a toxic waste dump, as President George Washington never filed an environmental impact statement. The first family is moving in with VP Biden.
Environmentalists complain of air pollution from burning off spilled oil in the gulf. The USCG has offered these activists 1 gallon jugs to 50 gallon drums, if they would rather take some oil home!
EPA warns Americans to be careful they don't cause an oil spill when opening a can of sardines. Warning labels won't be mandated, as no USA Company packs sardines anymore!
Baskins Robbins #10
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Neapolitan Pine", the least favorite of their customers.
Baskins Robbins #9
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Spleen Praline", the least favorite of their customers.
Baskins Robbins #9
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Haggis Fudge Ripple", the least favorite of their customers.
Baskins Robbins #8
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Cottage Cheese Freeze", the least favorite of their customers.
Baskins Robbins #7
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Tapioca Mocha", the least favorite of their customers.
Baskins Robbins #6
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Wasabe & Walnut Cream Swirl", the least favorite of their customers.
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