Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 2 June 2010
President Obama Finds Silver Lining On Cloud Of Oil
Straight from Obama to your wallet: the oil spill is a good reason to create a carbon/energy tax an once again sock it to the poor and middle class so that they become even more dependent on the feds.
Eric Holder Sent To Close The Leaking Oil Well
Attorney General Holder has arrived at the gulf coast to initiate a criminal probe into the leak. No one's sure how a criminal probe will plug the hole or why it can't wait until it's closed.
"I Wish I Was A...."
Man who got his wish at meeting between Obama and BP chief, swatted on the wall.
Ida Sue's Tattoo Is 70 Years Old!
The state of Iowa has just passed a law that any woman over the age of 70, who has a tattoo must have it removed as soon as possible.
Is There A Spin Doctor In The House?
A spin doctor in Washington D.C. has been arrested for practicing without a license.
Sorry Paris (Hilton) But You're IQ Is Just Much Too Low
Paris Hilton was not allowed to purchase the new smart phone for the obvious reason.
The All-Caring Great State of Montana
Montana has just outlawed do-it-yourself vasectomies and do-it-yourself tubal ligation's.
The Big, Big Mouthed, Glenn "The Tongue" Beck
Glenn Beck has finally decided to go in and have liposuction done on his tongue.
But Sets Dogs After You!
New designer elevator shoes to play either Yanni or Barry Manilow while you walk.
Let's Hop It!
Greenpeace executive order Guatemalan servant to make him a fresh pot of fair-trade coffee!
Storm In Florida
Hail as big as oranges cause major damage to orange groves in Orlando, Florida!
Sleeper Cell Caught
A sleeper cell of terrorists in Philadelphia were arrested after the FBI overheard them snoring.
Some Good News
In an effort to change recent bad press, Carnival Cruise Lines announced today that over 1200 customers aboard their ships were doing great.
Al Gore releases Rap Album to raise green funds
Al Gore has released a rap album called 'Al Gore Rhythm' which he hopes will raise enough funds to help save the planet from self-destruction by making another documentary film.
Japan's Prime Minister Resigns (again)
Hatoyama quits because he simply 'can't be bothered' to fulfil election pledge
Mugabe pulls off a super scoop and the Brazilians fell for it!
Monster Mugabe, cheery chappy, multi-millionaire, serial killer and leader of Zimbabwe, invited Brazil to play footy, his spin doctor fooled everyone apart from the uninvited "muy pobres" and me!
Breaking News:US, UK threaten to deploy Simon Cowell to Pakistan
Major escalation:US has threatened to deploy Simon Cowell to Pakistan for it's failure to tackle terror.Cowell expected to start with critique of Pakistani President Zardari's song and dance routine.
Brown in trouble, again.
Former UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, denied today that he was in drinking binge with Duchess Fergie. Sarah Ferguson strongly claimed that he downed 20 gin & tonics before they had sex, separately.
Thing Is Still Buzzing!
According to Lindsay Lohan's legal bracelet recorder, she really had a good time last night.
Brown now a Boofhead
London, England. Gordon Brown, former UK Prime Minister, has been elected Grand Boofhead of the Boofheads United order in Aldershot, England. Brown reacted angrily to the news. "F...ing boofheads!"
Easy To Fool
Report: Pods from outer space often victims of identity theft!
Obama's Surprised Visit
President Obama makes surprise visit with mother-in-law sitting on commode at White House. "I wish she would learn to lock the door."
Revenge Was Sweet..Actually Crappy
40-year-old victim of priest finds him, beats the holy shit out of him.
Another Tape Found
Yet another old Richard Nixon tape discovered. This time, he's alone singing "How Dry I Am".
After showdown with Israel, Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promises the Mother of all Nuclear Wars!
One Of Lincoln Makes It Look Better
Someone broke into Madame Tussauds Wax Museum overnight and changed all the heads.
Riots around the Middle East after teenager drew picture of Mohammed Pissing On A Ford on overhead pass in Germany.
Tipper Doing Fine
Tipper Gore says she's not interesting in dating anyone at present. "I've had a second Al statue made by the people who did Al for the NYC Wax Museum. Nothing will change here, except those warnings.
Gore Sewing Wild Oats
Al Gore is already out sewing his wild oats after announcing split with Tipper yesterday. Along with wild oats, several native grains and apple trees.
Al-Qaida #3 Dead.. Again
UN forces in Afghanistan have announced that they have killed AlQaida #3 for the second day in a row. "We're working right though to #100", says spokesman.
Don't Interupt Concert!
Good Morning America: Oil in Gulf catches on fire! War in the Middle East and Obama dead of Swine Flu, but first let's go to our 'Concert In The Park' series!
Mr & Mrs Average
Are you Mr and Mrs Average? (Then you're a Smith, drive a Fiesta and holiday in Spain). So don't fall for that gypsy fortune-telling racket.
Mother Fights Armed Croc!
'You messed with the wrong chick': Mother fights off knife-wielding Crocodile! I'm sorry, that should be "Crocodile Dundee-style robber!"
A Boy & His Camera!
Operation playtime! How one boy and his camera shamed council into sprucing up park, getting rid of old flashers.
Dental X-Rays Dangerous?
Dental X-rays 'could increase risk of thyroid cancer'. Many asking about full body scans at airports. "Will it cause willie, nookie cancer?"
"We Can't Afford It Mum!"
Up to £80 to take a bag on a Ryanair flight: Airline ramps up charges for summer season. Many using excuse to leave mother-in-law home during vacations.
WWII Still Going?
Three killed as World War Two bomb explodes in Germany. Could explain old man's sudden shout of "Alright!" at British nursing facilities!
Gave It A Try
The £18,000 council job you can't apply for if you are white. Several turned down even after spending hours in tanning salon.
Roethlisberger Back With Steelers
A slimmer Roethlisberger, Roethlisberger pocketbook back in Steelers practice.
Louisiana museum staging major Katrina exhibit, hit by oil slick.
Paul, George Honored
US library honors Paul McCartney for pop music, George Harrison sitar work for pot music.
Prince Harry Hopping Around
Prince Harry to play in NYC charity pogo match. I'm sorry, that's "polo" match.
Ten Equals Sixty
Study: 10 minutes of exercise, hour-long effects...mostly lying down on the couch.
Foxconn Raises Pay
Foxconn raises worker pay by 30 pct after suicides, a little late say some. "They are only using money from late employees salary savings."
Can't Allow Them To Bag Us And Place Our Heads On Their Walls!
Alaska sues feds over predator control! "We must defend ourselves from those hunters from other worlds!"
"What If We Are Haints?"
At NYC sci fest, asking 'What if we're holograms?' or 'what if we are only made up of energy and small things like atoms?' Could be.
Just Woke Up I Guess
Scientists warn of unseen deep water oil disaster. And to be especially watchful with those BP people.
Lots Of Jitters In Stocks
World stocks lower amid Europe, US, Japan, Chinese, Russian jitters.
China's Underwear In A Twist
China says no thanks to US defense chief. Many blame U.S selling $500 billion in weaponry to Taiwan.
Spokesmen #35 On List
Al-Qaida unlikely to be damaged by leader's death. "They're a dime a dozen over here", says 20th spokesman.
Butler Willing To Live In NY
Loyalty takes butler from poor Nepal village to NY. Says he doesn't regret the come-down.
"Let Obama Swim In It?"
Conservatives seek gov't solutions after oil spill. Only took six weeks to decide.
Al & Gal Split
Al and Tipper Gore separate after 40-year marriage. "Seems like 80", states Tipper.
Looked Great At The Funeral
Dieting for dollars? More US employees trying it. However, man who received $5,000 starves himself to death
The Whole Family Gets New Hairstyle, Even The Cat
With plans for new wireless house electricity with no need for outlets, some asking what happens during lightning strike.
Minnesota Likes To Be Different
No Black Governor For Alabama, But New Mexico Will Elect A Woman, Minnesota will elect first complete jibbering idiot.
He Has Civil Rights
NY school sued after teen suspended over rosary. Claims that it was the way he learned to count.
UN Clearly Focused
New Iran sanctions more likely, or less, after nuclear bomb report or maybe not?
Al & Tipper Split
Al and Tipper Gore separate after 40-year marriage. "The 'tipping' has increased lately", claims Al.
Al & Tipper Split
Al and Tipper Gore separate after 40-year marriage. "I'll certainly miss Mr. Excitement", says Tipper.
Militants Attack Peace Conference
Militants attack as Afghan peace conference starts, catching everyone by surprise as 1,000th attack unexpected.
Japan's PM Resigns
Japan's prime minister steps down over US base row. People say NKorea no threat, Japan not at risk as Kimjo rubs hands in glee!
"We're Trying To Help! Ow!"
Israel deports activists from Gaza-bound flotilla. PLO kids mistakenly rock them as they leave.
New Fla. Ads
Florida's new advertising campaign: "Come to Florida. You'll never get the chance to see this type of screw-up in your lifetime!
Oil Coming To Florida Beaches
BP oil closes in on Florida beaches. Pensacola under seven national flags during it's existence, now waves a white one.
Obama Plugs Oil Spill With Giant Middle Finger
Angry at critics who believe he is not doing enough to solve the gulf oil crisis, Obama's middle finger grows like a body part of an Incredible Hulk character, to a gigantic size, plugging the hole.
No Knight Time Today
McCartney to receive Library of Congress Gershwin Prize and rock White House with a little help from Stevie Wonder, others. Refuses to play gig with Green Day and be dubbed honorary American Idiot.
Feds to James Cameron: Can We Use Kate Winslet's Ass To Plug Oil Leak?
Federal officials hope film director James Cameron can help them with ideas on how to stop the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Suggestions to plug up the leak with Kate Winslet's ass were ignored.
Arizona Governor to Meet, Check ID of President Obama.
Arizona Governor will defend its "Git The F--k Out Beaners Act of 2010" in meeting with Obama. Obama warned to bring passport with him. Said the Governor: "Barack Hussein? Well, that ain't American!"
Art Linkletter's Corpse: Abe Vigoda Still Isn't Dead?
The body of Art Linkletter reanimated today for just a few seconds today, and asked a single question: "You mean I'm dead and Keith Richards isn't?"
Gelatinous, Useless Big Boobed Orange Midget Spotted Dancing With Mother in Deptford, NJ Club.
The Gelatinous, Useless Big Boobed Orange Midget Spotted Dancing With Mother in Deptford, NJ Club was identified as "Jersey Shore"'s bulbous punching bag Nicole Snooki Polizzi.
Conrad Murray Used to Anesthetize LiLo for Surgery
Michael Jackson's killer Dr. Conrad Murray was brought in to a Beverly Hills dentist to anesthetize celebrity cocaine tester Lindsay Lohan so that her wisdom teeth could be removed.
At the United Nations
Palestinian president and Turkish premier call the Israeli commando raid a massacre. Rwandan president tells these myopic biased diplomats "you are both out of your fucking minds (translation)!"
New Terrorist Threats
At the request of Gov. Jan Brewer of AZ, Pres. Obama has asked the Homeland Security secretary to place Revs. Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and their respective organizations on the US terrorist list.
"She Never Chiseled Anyone", Says Fried
Noted sculptor Louise Bourgeois turns to clay at 98!
No More A Temptation
Temptations singer Ali-Ollie Woodson on "Cloud Nine" at 58!
Cutting Well Pipes
BP cutting well pipes to stop pipes from leaking! Something doesn't ring true there!
Soaring costs force Canada to reassess health model being heralded in the United States!
Marvel Cancels Comic #20
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Amazing Spider Monkey" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #19
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Legion Of Supper Plate Cleaners" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #18
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Inappropriate Toucher" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #17
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Blunder Woman" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #16
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Subway Man" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #15
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Ravengers (Adult)" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #14
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Alien Leghorns" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #13
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Carrion Man" series after the one issue. Stan Lee called it a real stinker.
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