Spoof news snippets from Saturday 19 June 2010
Really Really Slow Replays
One good thing about smoking pot while watching sports events, you don't need the slow replays.
Rather Be Lions
The Detroit Lions say they will keep their nickname although they need to start living up to it. This after someone suggested the Detroit Inner City Gangs.
Godzilla Doing Commercials
Godzilla now doing commercials on Evening News: "For Heartburn and acid reflux, I use Prevacid. After a hard day of burning Japan, it always quenches my fiery throat."
The People Are Having Withdrawal Fits!
Anti-smoking ads using old B/W footage: 1938 Movie with Marie Antoinette: "Let them wear patches!"
Old Shows For Ads
Anti-Smoking ads using old B/W shows. "We were going out (hack). Frank had just lit his cheroot & began hacking.
He had meant to light his cigarette. Now we're at the emergency room. I'm Joe Friday."
Old Movies For Ads
Anti-smoking ads using black & white movies: "Here's loo ahack hack hack! Hereee's looking at hack hack hack! you, Kid! Hack! Hack (poooot) Hack!!
US Will Spoil Them
Pakistan will not hand Taliban suspects to US. "We now have ten water boarding facilities, busy day & night."
Vials of genuine astronaut piss now available at museum at Houston.
Tiny Holland show massive England what winning is, WHY?
Tiny Holland WIN, massive England don't, WHY? Easy, Dutch talent play top footy everywhere. English talent doesn't because there aren't any apart from Rooney, maybe? But he's certainly not a Messi-ah!
Clint Peckerwood Dismissed From Jury
Guy thrown off Arkansas jury for the eighth time for cell phone ring tune from "Hang 'Em High".
Guy thrown off Arkansas jury for the seventh time for loudly proclaiming, "I Smell Fried Baloney!"
Alley Stalker Arrested
California man arrested for constantly harassing Kirstie Alley by following her around yelling, "Free Willy!"
Mermaids Threatened By Oil Spill #2
Weeki Wachee Springs with their mermaid show, located in Florida, say that Wikipedia has wrong info on Weeki Wachee Wiki page. Still aware of oil spill. 2,000 volunteers ready to clean mermaids.
Mermaids Threatened By Oil Spill
Weeki Wachee Springs with their mermaid show, located in Florida, say they hope the oil spill doesn't injure or kill any of their mermaids.
Zuid Afrikaans Witch Doktor cures England of ancient curse LOSERITIS (hopefully!)
A Zuid Afrikaans Witch Doctor has been ordered to cure England, his remedies are bats crap, scorpion piss and snake spunk, Rooney swallowed them all and is now chomping at the butt!
Pekosi Booed By Democrats
Nancy Pelosi booed on House floor at not taking her turn to change Senator Byrd's Diaper.
$7 A Gallon!
$7-a-gallon gas in the near future? Gas stations, in order to avoid high price signs, may begin selling by the quart.
"We Must Avoid Waste Of US Funds"
Obama Ohio trip cost 'between $500K and $1 million'; Spoke for 10 minutes. Spoke about not using heavy foot on gas pedal.
BP Stalls Money Leak
As Pay Czar Promises Money, Workers Turned Away From BP Claims Center. Spokesman: "We're too busy trying to stop that leak at the present."
"Putin Could Lead It!"
Medvedev sees opportunity for new world order, based on the secret one that has lasted 2,000 years.
We Have 100 Years Left
Human race 'will be extinct within 100 years', claims leading scientist. "Hundred years? I remember 1910 as if it were yesterday", says Larry King hearing the news on CNN.
Hitler Planned Millenium Of Peace!
Cherie Blair has suffered the humiliation of a secret dressing down from a top judge after sparing a Muslim criminal from jail because he was 'religious'. "So was Hitler!", states judge.
Recycling A Lot Of Rubbish
So much for recycling: Binmen caught emptying 'green' bin and ordinary rubbish into the SAME lorry. "But that's the way we've always done it", they answer.
Paper Shredders Recalled
Asda recall paper shredders after customers complain about receiving electric shocks, wastebasket catching fire, whole house burns to the ground, city block wiped out.
"Chocolate Box" Cottage Flattened
Fury over bulldozing of 'chocolate box' cottage in village visited by John Constable, pissed upon by Churchill in emergency stop during WWII.
Fan Breaks Into England dressing Room
South African police hunting angry fan who broke into England dressing room reveal he was wearing a red shirt (well, that narrows it down. Male or female?)
Obama May Watch PGA Tourney Today
Obama sees Strasburg set record, but White Sox win. "We're sure not winning down here in the Gulf, Mr. President" say victims.
Grand Canyon Exhibit Opens
Exhibit at Grand Canyon features park's plants, full-sized replica.
Large Crowds At Art Show
Lakefront Festival of Arts started Friday in Milwaukee. I said Festival of Arts.....FREE BEER! (Alright!)
He's The Piano Man
NYC to plunk down pianos at ferry, Brooklyn Bridge, 48 other places around city for anyone to play. Now only 48 after Billy Joel runs over one near Central Park and one in the Guggenheim Lobby.
Director Neames Gone
'Poseidon Adventure' director Ronald Neame dies after being found upside down in bath water.
Med Abuse Up!
Abuse of meds sends as many to ER as illegal drugs, imported products from China.
Another Food Recall
Marie Callender recall after salmonella outbreak. Being hurriedly recalled before "Salmonella Marie" phrase catches on.
Bushmeat, Roadkill, Whatever
Tons of bushmeat smuggled into Paris, study finds. Smoked kangaroo tail now a delicacy.
New FCC Vote On Broads
FCC votes to reconsider banning broads regulations. Sorry, that should be broadband regulations.
Placing It In Burnt Kegs To Age
US decision on ethanol blend put off until fall. Meanwhile, moonshiners buying up most now produced.
Sea Creatures Eye-Balling BP Workers
Sea creatures flee oil spill, gather near shore. Keeping eye on BP workers. "We go down, we're taking a few with us", says shark.
No Ducks On Space Station
Russian capsule carrying 3 ducks at space station. I'm sorry, that should be "carrying 3 docks at space station.
Brazilian Marines Prepare For Punishing Attack On US
On the off chance that the Americans don't withdraw from their threatening draws in the World Cup, Brazilian troops are being prepared to deter America from being good at everything.
It Was BP's Fault!
Anadarko Oil points finger at BP on Gulf oil spill even though they own 25%. "It's those 75% that did the dirty."
A Prime Candidate
Kagan's e-mails show dry wit, political savvy. "She can bullshit with the best of them!"
Michael Palin, Admitted "Silly Person" To Attend
Calif. university will allow media at Palin event but bans Palin.
Lead Found In Both
Campbell Soup recalls 15M pounds of SpaghettiOs, ten paintings by Andy Warhol.
Gay Marriages Settled By Courts?
Outlook: Gay marriage. Its fate rests in the courts of law. Then why did Californians, others bother to vote, wasting money on campaigns?
Mickelson discovers route to 66 at Pebble Beach. Tiger still in the Woods.
Jimbo's very short history lesson
If the name of where you live ends in 'by' like Derby, you live above the line between 'the wash' and the severn estuary. If where you live or who you are contains 'x' or 'great' it is pre-1066.
Naaa, What's With The Packing Up, Doc?
Senate fails to spare doctors from 20% Medicare cuts. 20% of US doctors get ready to leave.
Hello Mullah, Hello Fatah!
Canceled West Bank vote affirms Fatah decline as Hamas Take Control.
Russians Found That Out 25 Years Ago
UN chief: Security in Afghanistan has not improved. Should be out of the hospital by Thursday.
Meanwhile, Gas Could Hit $10 Gallon
Gulf spill could swing Obama's power play on energy policy of going to alternate energy. We have heard that since 1970's. 6-7 Presidents. Where is the alternative energy?
Blame Bush, FEMA Over Oil Spill
New Orleans rally against Bush and FEMA over Oil Spill. "Obama wouldn't sit on his ass like that."
BP & Their $20B Promise
For BP, a $20 billion drop in a very large bucket. "So we have decided to pay it over a 20 year period."
Today on: "As The Spill Flows"
Questions about who's in charge of BP oil response! "Everybody but me", states Obama. "Probably Bush!"
Campbell Soup recalls 15M pounds of SpaghettiOs after consumer in Bear Wallow, Kentucky found three SpaghettiX's in his son's soup.
Too Healthy For You
Campbell Soup recalls 15M pounds of SpaghettiOs. "We put too much nutrition in them by mistake" says CEO.
Az. Gov. Peeved
Clinton comment on immigration law riles Ariz. gov. "We can sue too. If there is anything in US government after you guys get through."
Obama & GOP
Obama: Republicans blocking progress in Congress. Republicans: Welfare state is not progress.
Record number of Indian candidates seeking office but Chief Lying Compromiser ahead in the polls. "Promising Them Everything running second.
I was doing research: Expelled Bully
Danko(14) claims to have been researching Freud when he was interrupted."I've been set back years in my studies,dillholes!" 'He did keep asking me if I wanted my mommy now' Said a veggied nerd(11).
New Religion Surpasses Scientology This Decade
"GoForthandBorrow" the fastest growing religion this decade according to Forbes study."The USP of this religion is that it allows dual citizenship.You can borrow and be Christian,Buddhist,Jewish etc"
I'll Apologize Later
Today the CEO of BP Oil apologized for the second well that has began to...you hadn't heard? Never mind.
Today a worker for a large oil company apologized to the President after being caught leaking on one of his 2008 posters.
Today a worker for a large oil company apologized to President after being caught leaking on one of his 2008 posters.
Times Hard But Better Than The Old Days
New York Policeman admits times are hard today but not like in his grandfather's days, when there were no sirens and the whole crew had to scream at the top of their lungs while heading for a fire!
Palin Admits Mistake
Sarah Palin admitted today that, although she did call Africa a country, she did not say that Hong Kong was a giant gorilla. "That was Joe the Dumber."
Monks Making Specialized Caskets
Monks at Gethsemane say one of their top selling handmade coffins, "Arnold Palmer's 19th Hole" has dropped to second behind the "Tiger Woods 1000th Hole"
Baskins Robbins #5
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Pickled Beets With Hot Caramel Sauce"
Baskins Robbins #4
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Tripe Nuts With Honey-Covered Chives"
Baskins Robbins #3
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Sauerkraut Supreme"
Baskins Robbins #2
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Malted Liver Shake"
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Brussel Sprouts Sherbet"
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