Spoof news snippets from Thursday 17 June 2010
An Acquired Taste
Swine Fly outbreak much worse than the Swine Flu say victims. "With Swine Fly, everything tastes like hog shit."
New Raw Milk Ads
New raw milk ads on television to use old song by the Cowsill's "Give Me A Tail Full Of Hair!"
Posh angry at Becks
Victoria Beckham is said to be angry at her husband, David, after he mistook her for one of his crutches and tried to hobble out of the house with her under his arm.
Dyslexic Inventor Invents
An unnamed dyslexic from Brize Norton has invented a machine called the Large Hardon Collider in the hope of one day discovering the elusive, 'dog particle'.
No More MSRA!
The government have announced that MSRA has been totally eradicated. A new virus has been found, and is 100 times stronger killing everything in it's path.
Egypt To Open Blockade!
Egypt condemns Israeli attack on supply ships and blockade of the West Bank. Promises to open their barrier wall around the area for three days.
Iran/Israel Talking Again
After Iran stated this week that they might send their own boats to the West Bank, Israel replied that they would be searched from the inside out, first by turning it inside out.
President Obama, angry during meeting with BP leaders yesterday, he told them that he had heard all the excuses and as far as he was concerned, there had been about as much movement as Pelosi's face!
Not To Worry
China now holds more than $900 billion in U.S. debt and a lot of Americans are worried about this. However, the US congress and House have agreed to sue China for $900 billion over leaded products.
Emeril Won't Play Anymore Tennis
Emeril Lagasse has announced today that he is 100% sure about his decision to retire from tennis. I'm sorry, that should have been Andree Agassi.
Time For A Change
President Obama Stated today that he was ready to push through legislation that will cut our dependence on foreign and replace it with foreign-made windmills.
Jon Gosselin says he's getting pretty tired of hearing, "Is that a minnow in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
Grandparents Change To Grinch Overnight
Grandparents that have been placed in nursing homes everywhere, smile as they think about buying grandkids Vuvuzelas for Christmas.
Could Have Been Worse? Maybe!
Florida Sun: "It now looks like the disaster is twice as big as we first thought. But maybe this one will actually stay with Limbaugh for a few years!"
'This isn't the first time New Orleans has survived the British'
It's a humorous new anti-British advertising campaign design to attract British tourists to a city now known as 'the Big grEasy'.
Birmingham (GB) Muslims ban CCTV, "The Great One" ordered them to do it!
Muslims living in Birmingham have banned CCTV cameras from the area. The Great One ordered them too because he felt he was being spied upon and after all, Birmingham is a satellite state of the Arabs!
Must Be In Planning Stage
Housing market encouraged as Children's Lincoln Logs Company announces increase in sales over this time last year.
Should Have Stayed With Public Schools
Bristol Palin, still on tour of schools speaking about safe sex finds most schools closed for summer. Heads for home schools. Pregnant.
Denver's Nuggets Drop
The Denver Nuggets of the NBA say they will go more for defense next year. Also, change their name to the Denver Cohones.
Torpedo sold on eBay
A Thai fisherman successfully sold a torpedo that he caught in the Indian Ocean last week. The final bid came in at over £1500 which is more than twice the price offered by the Thai Navy.
AOL sell BEBO to investment firm
They plan to revitalise the original use of BEBO - hiding behind your hands to entertain babies.
You Get Your Choice
After receiving thousand of complaints about airline body scanners, passengers are now given a choice of either a body scan of full pat down by old wheezing guy in raincoat
Thought You Were Shorter & Pale
Native American Huge Heffer takes advantage of name resemblance when models call.
US OnlyOwes $13 Trillion
U.S. now owes Japan more than China. But every time they ask for paying them back, Fed Chairman plays "Let's Drop The Big One Now" by Randy Newman (Political Science)
New study shows that most people who witness an electric chair execution never able to eat fried baloney again.
Islands of Adventure will open a new SS Experience
Guests are put into the shoes of Jewish inmates at a Concentration Camp. Head of Universal states "It's a completly immersive experience!"
All Came From Saudi Arabia
Woman pleads guilty to accessing Obama's student loan records. Told to keep her big mouth shut!
That Could Be One Reason
'Epidemic' growth of Net porn cited. Many blame free laptop given to all prisoners to keep them quiet.
Homo Sapiens On Their Way Out
Aussie scientist: 'Homo sapiens extinct within 100 years; An irreversible situation'. 'Yes but how about us Hetero sapiens asks former US President in Texas.
Heads On Planes!
BOX OF HEADS FOUND IN GOLF BAG ON PLANE! Authorities suspect foul play!
"There, Happy Now Obama?"
PENSIONERS PICK UP BILL FOR SPILL! As BP cuts all retired employees income in half.
Revealed: Orangutans use language of at least FORTY different gestures to 'talk'...especially love the expression: 'Shit Happens!'
Like I Quit Smoking Tobacco Cigs, Dude
Giving up smoking 'reduces stress levels' according to study. "Of course, you need to taper off by switching to weed first.
Quitting Smoking Reduces Stress
Giving up smoking 'reduces stress levels' screams red-faced head of research group!
Cameron welcomes gay celebrities to Number 10. You wn't recognize the place if you get a peak.
Sea Life Fights Back
Word of oil spill getting out to the rest of the world as dolphins, whales overturn boats. Dare any oil divers to come into ocean.
Crisis Of 2014
'World could be plunged into crisis in 2014': Cambridge expert predicts 'a great event' will determine course of the century. Many cheered that we may have four whole years left.
"I'm sorry, Small People"
BP chairman forced to apologise to the 'small people'. "Do I look small to you/", asks 275-pound rugged fisherman.
Won't Look Unless It Looks Funny
Now naked body scans of passengers WON'T be viewed by airport staff unless images are 'suspicious '. How they will determine this without looking, still being considered.
Free Range Eggs Polluted
Free-range eggs 'contain five times as much pollution as those from caged birds', especially on the Gulf Coast.
They'll Be Flexible Alright
Clegg vows to end tradition of women doing bulk of parenting by offering flexible leave for dads, who will head straight for the pubs.
Pupils Taught About Sex?
Pupils aged five should be taught all about sex, but not by priests: Watchdog's instruction to schools.
NY's Metropolitan Opera reports 2009 fiscal woes. A new opera is being written about it as we speak.
Not 'Land of the Fleas'
Christina Aguilera to sing national anthem - again. Hopes to have words down better this time.
Also, Ruin Major Import Businesses
Cheap drug could save tens of thousands for those using high-cost cocaine, opium, heroin.
Same Questions, Same Answers
Dem lawmakers challenge Pentagon on Afghan war. Pentagon responds by sending tapes recorded six years ago.
Not All Bad News!
Gulf Oil Sill Now headed for Cuba. "If it gets Castro's beard, he's a goner", says physician.
Greenpeace Appeals For Help
Sea creatures flee oil spill, gather near shore. Greenpeace say they need help in cleaning up whales.
Same Four Notes
Blue Cheer reorganizes to rerecord new version of "Oil On The Water!"
Plan To Learn To Read Lips
Estimated 2000 sports fans completely deaf after first week of S. African Games.
No More Water Boarding Necessary
Work is skipped, parties abound, Gitmo orders 500 vuvuzela horns during World Cup.
Terrorist Groups Claim Responsibility
Al-Qaida, Taliban, Hezbollah, Hamas, Shiites, Sunni, Palestine Islamic Jihad in Iraq claim deadly central bank attack.
PBS Special #3
Ski boot featured on PBS show. Be sure to tune in next week for "The Rottening Of The Roadkill In Real Time"
PBS Special #2
Ski boot featured on PBS show! Remember all next week it's "The Snail's Progress"
Can Hardly Wait
Ski boot featured on PBS show. Remember next week is "All About Aprons" week!
At The Cup Games
Meanwhile back to the Cup games in South Africa: "Booooiiinng!
New World Cup Ambush Marketing Claim
Fifa have confirmed that they have take action against thirty men for unfairly advertising the US Department of Corrections at a match.
Contract: Michael Jackson doc requested lifesaving gear, nurse, mortician.
SALT Talks Back
Why Some People Crave More Salt: The "Sweating Like Pigs Syndrome"!
Sunset For Summer Camps
Summer camp: Sunset for an American tradition? Counselors blame "Jason".
Capello hammers 'worst ever ball'
It clears the bar, wobbles and veers sharply right before disappearing into Row J.
Families Mistread Iranian Leader
Families of 3 jailed Americans criticize Iran. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's feelings hurt.
No More Automatic?
Arizona lawmaker takes aim at automatic citizenship with automatic weapon.
BP CEO telling Congress he's 'devastated' by spill. In broken English he declares, "My Baddy".
Bodies On Tracks Causing Slides
Rodent experts, The Midnight Special, shines light on rats in NYC subways!
Hispanic apparent winner in unusual NY election. Authorities having a hard time telling them that they have won.
Obama Leaves Blanks #2
FACT CHECK: Obama left blanks in oil spill speech, such as BP declaring bankruptcy and saying "Clean it up yourself."
Obama Leaves Blanks
FACT CHECK: Obama left blanks in oil spill speech. Like the amount of BP stock belonging to Americans.
Israel Eases Blockade
Israel agrees to ease Gaza land blockade, including rocks as small as marbles.
Israel Eases Rules
Israel agrees to ease Gaza land blockade. Will allow some non-kosher items to be brought in.
BP CEO Devasted
BP CEO telling Congress he's 'devastated' by spill, bill!
Rat Gives in
A laboratory rat, despite all urging, stubbornly refused to perform the assigned experiments. After a while, however, he reconsidered and wended his maze.
'Grooming' Case to Go to Court.
An officer in the Blues and Royals is to appear in court on Monday the suspicion of grooming a horse.
Hunt for Missing Bride Still Going on
A woman ran out of a church in the middle of her own wedding. She threw off her headdress and ran out. Guests spent the day searching for the woman, still wearing her bride's dress, but without avail.
Democrats Question Primary Election Victory Of Alvin Greene
They want to know how an inexperienced, unknown, candidate with shady dealings, without a real job can come out of nowhere to win? I guess they forgot about Obama's win under the same circumstances.
First thing Adam said to Eve 5#
At least we don't have to go shopping, right Eve... I mean Thank God, he didn't created Wal-Mart on his first day. And what the hell is Wal-Mart anyway? - Adam
First thing Adam said to Eve #4
Where the hell is the TV - Adam
Slow on the Uptake: Pakistan Succesfully Captures Man Trying to Catch Bin Laden
Pakistani authorities sucessfully apprehended a highly motivated man trying to kill or capture Bin Laden. After arresting Faulkner,Pak police proceeded to not find Bin Laden for the 4000th day running
Cool Kids Have Herpes
Herpes is once again the most sought after STD,after a brief surge in the desire for Chlamydia in October,says a Forbes survey among teens aged 14-to-Stupid."All the cool kids have it"-John McGinty
Dalai Lama Found Playing Non-Violent Videogame
A disturbing Non-violent videogame was found on the Dalai Lama's hacked iPad."Breathe-3D" has evoked strong criticism from both Beijing and conservative gamers for its lack of sex and violence
The Louisiana Swamp Monster was supposed to visit Nessie, the love of his life, in Scotland before going to live in Kansas. The genius decided to book his tickets on Spirit Airlines!
President Obama put on Watch List
Homeland Security put the president on a terrorist watch list. The president's spend, spend & spend policy is causing the national debt to equal the GDP of $15 trillion, threatening national security!
Other States Pass Illegal Immigration Bills
Idaho and Montana pass similar bills to Arizona's Illegal Immigration bill. These northern Border States have amended the bill to include rabid Canadian environmentalists who slip across the border.
New Political Poll Results
The American public was asked to choose between garbage man & Washington DC politician as a career, 99% chose the former. The reason, a garbage man picks up trash & a politician produces garbage!
Turkey to change its relationship with Israel and is considering Armenia as its new best friend!
Diet Plan Lawsuit Filed
A 200 pound man is suing a famous diet plan for pain and suffering. According to the unidentified man's lawyer the plan promised a 50 pound weight loss, which occurred to his client's penis!
Shake up at MMS
The new boss at MMS has not fired the lax regulators that reviewed BP's emergency plans. The offenders were given a choice of unpaid long term cleanup jobs in the gulf or incarceration in Yemen!
President Obama had Lunch in the Gulf
Lunch selections began with a salad tossed in oil & vinegar dressing, then deep fried shrimp done in oil, plus oil sautéed crayfish & finally ended with stir fried crab done in oil. What no dessert!
Paternalistic BP Board Chairman Speaks
BP Board Chairman says "we care about the small people!" Residents of the gulf coast say "Bollocks to you Mr. Chairman!"
North Korean Excuse 27
North Korea blames the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico for the sinking of the South Korean warship in the Yellow Sea. Kim Jong IL demands "BP set up a compensation account payable directly to him!"
New Government Regulations
Democratic far left liberal politicians are always looking for something new to regulate. It's now hair length, as airports have those new TSA full body X-ray scanners to facilitate the measurements.
Build More Power Plants
Environmentalists are advising President Obama to turn the lights out in the White House at night to save energy. These rabid environmentalists have had their lights out for years!
An Old Wife's Tale
A study by an anti-abortion group claims that men whose wife's' have an abortion will experience shrinking penises! Biologists, caution the results are questionable, as it was only a "brief" study.
Would Keep Them Awake
Congress asks the President to make the importing of vuvuzela horns illegal before fall elections.
King At It Again
Larry King found nude once again except for his suspenders, hanging in a closet. "Well, I gave it a good try but I can't reach my penis."
Elvis The Pelvis
Research finds brain link for words, music ability linked to the movement of the pelvis.
Sweet Home, North Korea
Neil Young, Jimmy Buffett & John Mellencamp Peace Concert for Peace in North Korea Draws Huge Crowd: After concert, all three arrested after hearing that"old Neil put her down".
Thought It Was Over Bush & Oil?
Obama's ratings back up after declaring that mineral find in Afghanistan could pay for whole US health care bill.
He's On A Real High!
Tabloid reveals that the ashes of Timothy Leary shot into space were mixed with LSD.
Bill Will Sing A Medley
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies as performed by Bill Medley, the One & Only Righteous Brother.
More Lawyer Hits #5
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "All My Trials, Soon Be Over"
More Lawyer Hits #4
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Case".
More Lawyer Hits #3
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "Poetry In Motion"
More Lawyer Hits #2
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "The Hanging Three".
More Lawyer Hits
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "If I Had A Hammer".
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