Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 16 June 2010
BP: Bend U.S. over the Barrell
BP has offered a fiver to anyone that shows USA plc has caused disasters in their lands to claim damages against them. Iraq and Afghanistan can't enter the competition, nor Iran - erm - just in case!
Another Magazine Bites The Dust
Doctor H. Lector's "Wine And Dine" Magazine to end publication by the end of the year.
BP Releases Official Report On Oil Spill
They blame the captain of the Exxon Valdez
Limbaugh's Wife Mad Already
New wife a little sore at hubby Rush Limbaugh after he eats whole drawer full of edible panties. "You can't just eat one", claims Limbaugh.
Hard To Hind A Jury
Former VP and presidential candidate Al Gore was shot 1347 times today during his "Oil Slick Bringing Down Global Warming Unto Our Head". At least he don't have to worry about it", says one shooter.
Up To 600% Of Your Daily Requirements
Mister Natural Cereals has announced that they have the healthiest cereal yet. Sugar Marshmallow Vites. Bite-sized chunks of flavored marshmallows & sugar-coated vitamin crunch.
Good News For Bigasses
A new study says that fat people not only live longer but also have longer livers!
Lady of 93 beaten up in street
93yr old Mrs pew was beaten up by a gang of skinheads in fulham southwest London.
When asked why he did not stop the beating, witness, Arthur Sputem replied; "I dont know who started it"!
Should Have Read It Closer
Too late, Boomers find section 565 at bottom footnote on page 3489 Obama Health Bill says no one is to live past 69.
The Fat Facts
New Jersey insurer to face questioning over rate hike. Agree to lower it back if clients lose 75-100 pounds or pay double premium.
Pilot, BP Heroes!
A pilot from Virgin Airlines has safely landed his plane and all 300 passengers after losing all guidance systems. He landed in the Pensacola Oil Slick which floated the plane in on top of the water.
Tiger Woods "is back in the groove" and holing in ones again!
Tiger Woods has admitted I'm in the "groove" once more and boy is he feeling hot about it (so are his pussies waiting along the fairways hoping for a quick 'Birdie' and a 'hole in one')!
Boxer Wrong As Usual
Boxer declares global warming will be 'leading cause of conflict' wrong. Turns out to be left uppercut.
EU Chief Has Visions
EU Chief lays out 'apocalpytic' vision as some countries run out of money. Others blow each other away.
Guess It Works
New Bill Gives Obama 'Kill Switch' To Shut Down The Internet At Will! Why the lowdown no-g............
Twenty-Minute Meeting On Oil Spill!
President Obama finally meets with BP brass for TWENTY minutes after two months of oil spill. "It doesn't take long to kick ten asses", says President.
Obma Down, Congress Up
Obama approval ratings now at 42%, an all-time low. Congress actually improved from -5% to a -3%.
Former PM to audition for TV show
Former UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will audition for a spot on UK's Got Talent TV programme. Brown says he will balance a set of books on his elbow. What!!!?? He couldn't balance the economy.
Using Snipped Rubber Gloves Instead Of Condoms
Victory for faith schools as Labour's recent sex education laws are being pissed down.
"He's The Tax Man!"
Swiss to release Americans secret bank accounts. Give politicians a chance to pull their billions out before the tax man comes.
"Not By The Hair Of My..."
New Tabloid reveals that Jay Leno has no hair on his chest as his chin wears it off during the night while he sleeps.
Viewers Want Reality
Television audience wants more reality shows. "Less canned laughter and more opened cans of whupass!"
Keep Falling Off!
Ill-Fitting condoms blamed for lower use. New shops in China that make them think all Americans have whoppers after watching porn movies.
Aging Is Expensive
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea; You will go broke buying so many big diapers.
400 Years Old
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea. "You'll wind up looking like Larry King or Nancy Pelosi with your face on top of your head.
AA Needed For AA Pilots
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Iff youse look to your left you'll shee the right wing of de plane!"
He Can't Stop
US Panel on Bioterrorism Preparedness gives our government an "F". Then each one is kicked in the ass by President.
It's Beans OR Beer!
Methane seen as growing climate risk as law passed that beans on toast must no longer be eaten with beer.
Ferengi In Afghanistan
UN forces disturbed as Ferengi spotted near newly-discovered mineral riches, apparently looking for gold-plated latinum.
Obama Speech Marred
Chinese accused of hacking into President's teleprompter again as audience shocked by unbleeped expletives.
Using Funhouse Technology
Latest: New full-length mirrors make you ass look smaller.
The Wine Diet
Report: A glass of wine a day can help you stay slim, if you leave off the food. Study used 300 drunks for study.
Another Flop Predicted
Despite being a flop the first round, sequel to "Men Who Stare At Goats" entitled "Men Who Stare At Throats", a vampire movie, out in August.
Brain Scanner Latest
Brain scanners coming that can read minds. Over one million aluminum hats sold to date.
French Retirement Age Higher
French workers' fury as retirement age is raised from 49 to 62!
"I'll Have Two Please"
Had a pint? Don't drive: Motorists may face lower limits and random tests. Pubs now serving 'Near Pints'.
Fair Trade Offender
Traffic PC jailed for having sex with women in exchange for letting them off driving offences, jaywalking, causing a disturbance (for those who refused).
No More Loud Barks!
The dogs that barked 800 times every hour and made neighbors' lives a 'living hell'. So owner sells dogs, buys night birds and roosters.
UK Drought Continues
Drought warning for UK as country suffers driest start to year for almost 50 years, say authorities. "We're dry as a popcorn fart!"
Ofsted: Nation's Learners At Fault
Almost half of all schools in England do not provide a good education, says Ofsted. "We need better teachers to learn students better."
Unemployment Rises Again
Unemployment rises 23,000 to 2.47m as more than one in four working-age Britons now have no job. 50% of employed work for the government.
Not Many Left
Report: £50bn a year in welfare benefits is handed to the middle class. Most are asking, "WHAT middle class?"
Your NHS At Work
A cancer sufferer was told he could not book a hospital appointment - because records showed he was dead. "I'm sorry but we have a policy against treating dead people..where are you calling from?"
What A Tip!
Keep the £250,000 tip! Pensioner leaves regular cabbie her entire estate in her will. "If I had known, I would have opened the door and got her into her wheel chair", says former cabbie, in Vegas.
Plane Craps On Car
Motorist's miracle escape as giant block of commode ice smashes through windscreen seconds after he leaves the car. "Worse than pigeons, they are!"
"Same Ole, Same Ole"
Obama vows to make 'reckless' BP pay for oil disaster... but says U.S. 'addiction to fossil fuels' must end. Quotes from President Kennedy's plans to leave fossil fuels behind & 60 year progress made.
Places Close To View Cup Games
Bangladesh asks shopping malls, movie theaters to close for Cup. All three agree.
Museum Has Jewish Life Exhibit
Museum presents exhibit on Jewish life in NC as both families were well-known.
New NC Exhibit
Museum presents exhibit on Jewish life in NC, before being chased out by Billy Graham.
Especially The Fun Girls
Tax credits, fun girls and mud masks to boost Thai tourism.
I Should Hope So
Initial stages of new Egypt museum completed, and before you ask, Yes, there will be mummies!
After Learning Who Free Performers Were
Free NYC concert canceled after crowd gets unruly. "Hanson? It's the Hanson?"
Nepal Orders Probe
Nepal orders probe into slaughter of winos. Sorry, that should read "rhinos".
Life Out There Somewhere
Scientists retrieve capsule, seeking asteroid dust, they find small amounts of poop.
Obama Plages To Gulf Coast
Gulf Coast welcomes Obama's pledge to restore land. President promises, "Within a hundred years, this will have corrected itself."
Oil Spill Down?
Scientists: Oil leaking up to 2.52M gallons daily, could be a quart low.
Knew There Was A Catch
Free NYC concert canceled after crowd gets unruly at $10 hotdogs, $12 cokes.
Actually Both Are Correct
Oil hovers near Pensacola Beach as stock rally slows. Sorry, that should be "$77".
First One Dollar, Then Another
EPA: Climate bill costs less than postage stamp, even though no one expects it to work.
Engineer's Prediction True
BP engineer called doomed rig a 'nightmare well' says he will never prophesy again.
Whoever Did Whatever
Hispanic, what's his name, apparent winner in unusual NY election.
Pakistan: Doctor examines bin Laden hunter from US. "He has this unreasonable hatred towards Laden for some reason."
Obama Faces BP
After blasting BP, Obama now faces its leaders while very angry over oil-squirting carnation on label joke.
A Jewish man want his Trix
" Silly Rabbi, Trix are for kids" one Jewish boy said.
Germany hold it first "Blind Basketball"
The white team defeated the red team with the score of 2-0 in 21OT in the first blind basketball game. A blind man scored the winning basket with 2:42 minutes left in 21OT.
First thing Adam said to Eve 3#
"Ouch, what the.. what happen to my ribs" - Adam
First thing Adam said to Eve 2#
"No Eve, the leaf doesn't make you look fat" - Adam
First thing Adam said to Eve 1#
"Damn" - Adam
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #36
The Brain of Pinky and The Brain for Orsen Welles, Citizen Kane. "We did use The Brain, actually. Listen to the voice! Couldn't you tell?"
Rejected Jeopardy questions, #5
ANSWER: This ginger is stupid, and smells like the Clap, allegedly.
QUESTION: Who is Linsday Lohan?
Rejected Jeopardy questions, #3
ANSWER: This brown hardwood item is nicknamed "The Louisville Slugger."
QUESTION: What is Muhammad Ali's penis?
Rejected Jeopardy questions, #2
A.: Dog food and garbage pickings.
Q.: What is grandma going to eat until her foodstamps come?
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #35
George W. Bush instead of Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump: "Insert 'President Bush is a moron' joke here."
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #34
Selena Gomez instead of Thora Birch, American Beauty: "Well, we needed the topless scene, and Selena was, like, 4 when we filmed it. Thora was 7, so it was Ok."
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #33
Paris Hilton instead of Guy Who Got 'Curbed', American History X: "It would have made no sense in the movie, but it'd been great to see Paris get her head stomped on, right?"
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #32
Kristy McNichol instead of Jodie Foster, Taxi Driver: "We had both of those fine young gentleman audition, but we felt Jodie was the man for the job."
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #31
Sandra Oh instead of the Alien, Aliens: "Well, Sandra was much uglier than the original Alien, so continuity would have suffered. Also, who could stand looking at her that long. YUCK!"
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #30
Tina Fey instead of Olive Oyl, The Shining: "I gotta admit, Nicholson trying to kill Tina would've been entertaining. Hell, I'd back any movie in which Tina Fey got killed."
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #29
Kim Cattrall instead of Virginia Cherrill in Chaplin's third silent film, City Lights: "That was only 77 years ago. Kim was too old."
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #28
Ray Liotta instead of Joey Pants, Memento: "Who gives a sh-t, nobody saw the movie anyway."
Companies Applaud Citizens
Life insurance companies say that Americans live longer today than ever. "We couldn't be more happier for them."
Lighter Oil At The End Of The Tunnel
BP spokesman says they can now see a light at the end of the tunnel, whenever the oil thins.
Also, More Cookie Breaks
Study reveals that home-schooled kids have a much higher attendance record.
Keebler Sets Limits
Keebler products now allow for .005 percent rodent and elf feces.
A Flakey Breakthrough
Scientists today say that they have learned to clone snowflakes exactly alike. No breakthrough on cancer.
In World Cup News #11
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Tell Me What'd I Say!" are not selling well.
In World Cup News #10
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Louie, Louie, Oh, Baby, Insane I Go!" are not selling well.
In World Cup News #9
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "The Vuvuzela Shuffle" are not selling well.
In World Cup News #8
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Red, Red Horn" are not selling well.
In World Cup News #7
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "(I Can't Help) Falling Insane With You" are not selling well.
In World Cup News #6
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Gettin' Vuvuzela Wid It" are not selling well.
In World Cup News #5
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Break Down Tonight" are not selling well.
In World Cup News #4
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "The Vuvuzela Polka" are not selling well.
In World Cup News #3
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Bad, Bad, Leroy Blown!" are not selling well.
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