Spoof news snippets from Monday 14 June 2010
Israel Gaza Probe #2
Israel Gaza probe criticised by Turkey and Palestinians. Saudi Arabian also condemns actions but once again tell Israel that they have permission to fly over their country. Wink, Wink! Nod! Nod!"
Still Had Time To Be A Senator
FBI releases secret Kennedy files. Over 100 death threats a month, women a year. How many death threats from husbands and boyfriends?
Fifa are due to rule on whether Drogba can play with a protective cast on his broken arm
If so, it opens the way for Gareth Barry to wear a plastic ankle casing, Ledley King to use a composite knee support, and Robert Green to take his white stick onto the pitch.
Big Chief Dearlove In Satanic Pagan Link!
MI6 chief Sir Richard Dearlove has been appointed the new
Master of Satanism seeming to cement the links between
UK Paganism and the Secret Services.
Something To Fight For
Afghans say US team found huge potential mineral wealth. May purchase their own army.
Taxes: The Great Cure-All
German Chancellor Angela Merkel & French President Nicolas Sarkozy have renewed calls for a global bank levy and a financial transaction tax. Banks begin packing for headquarters in neutral countries.
Turkey's Feathers Still Ruffled
Israel Gaza probe criticised by Turkey and Palestinians as not being impartial, as theirs would have been.
Obama Plays Don Quixote
Barack Obama calls for clean energy push. As has every US President over the past 40 years. Where Are The windmills? In our heads?
"I'm fed up with these insurance companies blaming me for all sorts of disasters, no one blames the devil do they? You dont here them say; "Act of the devil" No, its always my fault.
Hey - look out for the Robert Green PC virus
One minute it all works to plan, the next, you can't save anything.
BP Buring Midnight Oil
BP burned the midnight oil once again last night trying to think of everything, including a late call to a major tampax company.
Local Illiterate Man Can't Read this Spoof Snippet
Local illiterate man Kevin Grimes, 42, says he doesn't have a f*cking clue what this spoof snippet is all about.
"It's probably saying I'm a stupid hairy bastard or something", he grumbled.
Local man Stares at Tits While Playing with his Cock
Local man Barry Nubbins spent the entire afternoon gazing at a family of Blue Tits feeding in his garden today, while he played with his prize-winning pet Cockerel Percy.
Local Man Turns Life Around
He had been trying to read his copy of the magazine upside down.
Obama Must Return Peace Prize
Nobel Committee asks President Obama to return his Nobel Peace Price after all that ass kicking!
BP Oil Receiving Advice
The head old BP Oil was asked today if any of people's ideas they were sending were of any help. "We can't try many of them, we don't have time, & people signing with 'Jed Clampett' are not helping."
Somalian extreme Islamists issue death sentence on people watching the footy!
Somalian Islamic groups have issued the death sentence on people caught watching the World Cup, its not Islamic entertainment they claim: but cutting peoples heads off on the internet is!
Charitable Germany withdraw from World Cup!
Germany, yes Germany, have done the rest of the footy world a favour, they've withdrawn their team because in an overwhelming show of charity they are giving the others a chance to win!
Justin Bieber: " I have a girlfriend..."
... She lives in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada.
Fabio Capello Makes Denial
England football coach Fabio Capello has denied that he had sex with a horse on Sunday night - despite not being accused of doing so.
Morgan To Replace King!
Piers Morgan to replace Larry King on CNN. King says he's tired, wants to spend more time with his ancestors.
Still Thinking Maybe
Liberal DC think tank running White House response to BP? Most say no, because there has been no real response to BP.
Limited To Lower Altitude!
FAA under pressure to open skies to drones, lawn chair balloonists.
TV Ratings double among US viewers of the games. Over 120 viewers say they are looking up from their books and computers every time the crowd cheers.
That Game Noise
Ronaldo hits out at Venezuela. What? Who? Oh, Ronaldo hits out at vuvuzelas...the horns.
Blowing The Games!
Horn blowing is destroying the games in South Africa. One player says "You can't eben tink strut."
Obama in resignation drama
President Barack Obama has announced that he will resign the US Presidency effective noon tomorrow. He claims that BP has threatened to contaminate the "rose garden" with tar balls if he doesn't do so
Eyes Of The Beer Holder
The attractive appearances of the opposite sex depends both on other's perceptions plus how much they have had to drink, plus how close it is to the time the pub closes.
Some People Never Learn
Blagojevich now accused of trying to sell Helen Thomas's Front-and-Center seat at press conferences.
Queen Forgets Seatbelt
The Queen who forgot to clunk-click and drives her Jag without wearing a seatbelt, asked to resign.
Drivers Are Warned
Add screenwash or risk contracting Legionnaires' disease, old drunks running out at stoplights and washing windshield for money, drivers are warned.
Journalist Facing Jail Time
Journalist facing jail for leaking embarrassing off-air video clip of Nicolas Sarkozy TV interview with farts, laughs and Polish jokes!
Excitement Over Mars
The red plains of Mars were once covered by a vast ocean... and lush planet could have supported extra-terrestrial life! Or maybe not.
Wonder What 5-Year-Olds Get?
British parents' fury as shops sell high heels for girls aged three, bras at age four!
Was goal blackout sabotage? Bookmakers gave odds on break in ITV transmission that let fans miss England score! "And how about that goalie?"
WPC Wins Damages
WPC wins £575,000 damages after being called 'whoopsy' and 'lipstick' by sexist colleagues...'that lot of arseholes over there.'
Most Deaf At Soccer Games
Put a sock in them! Players, fans and broadcasters demand World Cup ban on Vuvuzelas' irritating drone! "Anybody get that? Something about drones. Hope they don't land here."
Takes Up A Lot Of Net Space
Elephant that blocked U.S. football squad on trunk road hired as new goalie by England.
New England Boom!
New England ports expect record cruise ship season. "Who's going through an oil slick from Florida Coasts?" ask tourists.
Life After Simon
Paula Abdul says there's life after Simon. "It's that Simple!"
Fans Get What They Want
Taylor Swift, other stars give the fans what they want: Naked bluegrass bands! "Now watch that guys nuggets when he hits that high note!"
Both: Glad That's Over
Motorola and Research In Moving Pictures That Talk, finally settle dispute after 80 year court battle.
US Scientists Receive Award
Top Portuguese award, The Portal Potty, goes totwo US scientists.
Russian Rocket Primed
Russian rocket primed for space station mission. Should be blown to pieces sometimes early this week.
The Blago Trial
Pictures of Blagojevich: A crook or a fool? Many who know him say, probably both!
They're For Our Health
Americans get most radiation from medical scans, not airport scanners, microwave overs.
Barataria? Surely Barataria Is Safe!
Barataria estuary now ground zero in oil spill. BP says that US has began making up names for spills to reach.
Arizona's Next Target
Arizona's next immigration target according to officials: The deportation of all Chubicabra.
Rich Minerals Discovered!
Report: US finds mineral riches in Afghanistan. Taliban gives up. "They'll never leave here now."
No To Drones!
FAA under pressure to open US skies to drones. GOP objects. Say that there are enough following Obama around Washington already.
Drones Over The US?
FAA under pressure to open US skies to gnomes! I'm sorry, that should be 'drones'.
Fourth Time Around
Obama plans fourth tour of Gulf oil spill. Will place wreath while in Pensacola Beach, to "The Unknown Pelican".
Jimmy Dean Lived The Dream, Dies At 81
Singer, sausage businessman Jimmy Dean dies at 81. Mr Dean's body will be buried wrapped mummy-like with secret herbs and spices.
"Hey, That's An Idea!"
Singer, sausage businessman Jimmy Dean dies at 81. Got idea for making big sausages after singing hit, "Big Bad John".
"Mr. Drone..Change Courses....Mr. Drone!"
FAA under pressure to open US skies to drones. Estimate that less than 5% would fly into passenger planes.
Dems Rise On Oil Slick
Dem rises in Fla. Senate race despite odd baggage. Most plan to vote and move away from this oil mess as soon as possible.
Koreas Address The UN
Two Koreas to address U.N. over ship sinking. Stories to vary somewhat.
Ky. Teaching Staff Could Be Cut
Kentucky to save school budgets by placing whole grade into gyms, hiring one teacher to teach up to 100-150 students at one time.
May Double Class Sizes
In bold move, Colorado alters teacher tenure, pay rules, with new "One Buck Per Year" raises.
Obama Faces Rare Defeat
Obama faces rare defeat on health help for jobless in Mexico.
Arizona Up To No Good Again
Arizona's Next Immigration Target: Children of Illegals, their cookies, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, little dogs and kitties.
Obama On Fourth Tour #2
Obama plans fourth tour of Gulf oil spill. Doing last minute preparations of stern looks, Practicing ass-kicking.
Obama Back Touring Oil Spill
Obama plans fourth tour of Gulf oil spill. Bringing 2,000 cameramen, reporters, a concerned posture to help.
Report: US finds mineral riches in Afghanistan. Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!
UK Goalie Blames Ball for Unforced error!
"Me cup slipped and I pinched me nut...terrible pain, and very distracting!"
Fergie Fitted with Alcohol Monitor!
Assignment for 'Taking the Piss' now down to either Scotland Yard or Technicians from Moorview Institute. Disgraced former Royal puts title up for sale; Elton John top bidder so far....!
Spoof Writing Contest Threatened by Sniper Attack!
Loose Cannon goes off in San Franciso....shot wide of mark only brings ridicule!
Obama's Father & Grandfather Opposed Abortion Leading to Unintended Consequences for Barry!
"bunch of BASTARDS!"
Hillary's Behind Use of Clean Energy!
Lyposuction of her arse fuels NY house for 6 months....rest of Obama's Pants Suit Posse lines up to support Barry's energy initiative and promise to
lose most of their arse as soon as November.
Britain's Soccer Team Looking like Tiger Woods!
No Nookie on Away Games said to be taking it's toll...especially in goal!
Gordon Brown's Wife Gets 6 figure book deal!
Entire book filled with humorous ancidotes of fun loving former PM.
Brits already laughting their arse off!
elf 'n safety on way out....drunken slashers rejoice!
No longer required to keep both hands on knife to prevent cutting themselves!
Obama Still Has Balls!
Plays 38th round of golf while country looks for leadership they can count on.
Bee Keepers Union Supports UK Goalie!
Occupational hazard mate....every onst in a while you get stung...but not usually on the world wide telly!
Capello has admitted that he is trying the equine formation, by playing a donkey up front, an ass at the back, and replacing the donkey with a horse with ten minutes to go.
Big Bad John
Country music star and sausage entrepreneur Jimmy Dean has passed away, police said on Monday. On the other hand, I still can't pass the Jimmy Dean sausage biscuit I had for breakfast last Monday.
Tea Partiers Pick Clear Favorite
76 percent of the tea party members picked Tetley over Lipton. Betcha thought it was going to be Didier huh?
Obama is Mad at the Wrong People
President Obama's mad over the BP gulf oil spill and wants to kick ass. The problem is that his elitist ideological "know it all" administration snobs can't find their ass with both hands!
You don't have to be an ideological environmentalist moron to work for the EPA, but it helps!
Obama to Speak to the Nation about the BP Oil Spill
The president will tell EPA, OSHA & his environmental advisor to pound sand. He will then tell local gulf state governors & mayors, they are free of Washington DC intervention & to clean up the mess!
Americans not Taxed Enough, Liberals to Volunteer
House Speaker Pelosi & Sen. Majority Leader Reid have called on Democratic left wing Congressional members & all liberals to pay an additional $40,000 in income taxes to pay-down the national debt!
In The Same Boat
President Obama's comments about the BP oil spill were not "anti-British", the American ambassador to London has said. "They simply make it look like he's doing something, just like you."
Kan Warns Japan
Japan PM Naoto Kan warns of 'collapse' under debt pile. President Obama Offers help from the US. "Just pay us what you owe."
FARC From Ork
Colombia's military rescues two top military officials held by FARC. Action angers both FARC & MORK, both from Ork.
Porn Sites Exploitation
Visitors to porn sites are at serious risk of being exploited by cyber criminals, a study has suggested. Not that anyone who writes for the Spoof would need worry.
Top Nudist TV Shows #40
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Sanford & Sun".
Top Nudists TV Shows #39
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Odd Couple (They're Cross-Eyed)"
Top Nudist TV Shows #38
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Where's My Lines?"
Top Nudist TV Shows #37
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Twin Peaks (For Geeks)"
Top Nudist TV Shows #36
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "SpongeBob Sans Pants"
Top Nudist TV Shows #35
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The (Eunuch) Sopranos"
Top Nudist TV Shows #34
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Six, And The Pity"
Top Nudist TV Shows #33
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Second Titty Television"
Top Nudist TV Shows #32
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Saturday Sight Live!"
Top Nudist TV Shows #31
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Spotlighting".
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