Spoof news snippets from Saturday 12 June 2010
Safe pair of hands?
Robert Green, England goalie and Michael Jackson have something in common. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
AARP Article Delayed
Michelle Obama's mother canceled her interview with AARP due to "mudslinging in the White House throne room" after last night's taco dinner.
Lady GaGa cancels Monster Ball
Lady GaGa cancelled all Monster Ball shows because she has ran out of ideas for her next tour, so she will opt out of business. Justin Bieber invited little monsters to join the Belieber club instead.
Lincoln Ghost Popular
Abraham Lincoln's ghost a lot of fun say Obama girls. "You pull on his chin whiskers and he sticks his tongue out."
Unusually Bad Situation
Many of those who live along the US Gulf near oil spill say they are finding sea water in their car's oil stick.
England Goalie offers BP related Olive Branch
Fuc*ing idiot England goal keeper Rob Greene offered himself up as a peace ambassador with the USA today by causing a frigging big spill the Americans won't be complaining about!
Dollar Down Again
The Chinese authorities say they will not recall any more products from America. "We were paid for all of them with bad money."
Tricks On Archaelogists
Archaeologists say faked and rigged skeletons being dug up and confusing everyone doesn't mean we're all wrong. There are always a few bad ape polls in every bunch.
No Global Warming! It's Just Hot!
Tea Bagger Scientists say that the earth getting hotter every year the biggest hoax ever pulled on the American people.
Another #2 Killed
Al-Qaida say they are not worried about all the #2's being killed over the past few years. "They're #2 because they are shitheads!"
Calif. Economy Rough
Economists in California say that the state is in such a bad stage that 20-30 black markets go out of business every week.
Martha Stewart Cracks
Martha Stewart finally cracks completely. While being taken away, she kept saying that her outfit didn't go with that color of police car.
CBS News, I'm BoBo Cronkite
CBS News, still dropping like a brick in the ratings, have stated that all their news personal will be dressed as clowns, as of January 1, 2011.
300 Clear Channels
Cable 98 announces that by 2012 they will be offering over 300 Channels, including the "Gary Coleman Channel".
Old Letter Found
Old letter recovered in London is apparently a note from a teacher saying that young Billy Shakespeare has been copying off his classmates.
Dead Channel Gets Refusal
The Dead Channel has been refused permission of burying a live camera with volunteer so viewers can check daily to see how he rots.
Al Gore Loosening Up #5
Al Gore seems to be loosening up after divorce papers were signed. Lately he's been spotted in NYC doing the town with wild man, Ralph Nader.
Al Gore Loosening Up #4
Al Gore seems to be loosening up after divorce papers were signed. "I'm wearing Tipper's panties!"
Al Gore Loosening Up #3
Al Gore seems to be loosening up after divorce papers were signed. Neighbors say they can hear Al singing in the shower, "I'm A Slow Man!". "He's got the words wrong but the tune is recognizable."
Al Gore Loosening Up #2
Al Gore seems to be loosening up after divorce papers were signed. Wants new nickname, "Mr. Don't Give A Hoot-Al Gore"
Al Gore Loosening Up
Al Gore seems to be loosening up after divorce papers were signed. "I've attended four funerals and not one person at any of them confused me with the corpse."
Warming Can Be Nice!
World continues not giving a shit as Global Warning people on the air somewhere every day.
100,000 Had Already Been Sold
US Government Agency warded citizens this morning that those selling aluminum hats to protect you from sun flares are crooks.
"We're Going To Scare The Crap Out Of Viewers!"
Ratings Down, The Weather Channel says that this year's hurricane season dovetailing smoothly into oil spill season.
She Should Know
Miss Universe states that the former planet Pluto is planning some sort of revenge.
New Here Are We?
Caught in "Sting", terrorists who were attempting to blow up Brooklyn Bridge decide it would be easier to purchase it.
Pigs Fly Over The White Cliffs Of Dover!
Cameron and Obama leave mates, get married and go on honeymoon in Iceland volcano. See, nobody's reading these during World Cup!
That Should Teacj Him A Lesson
Teenager who microwaved his brother's hamster is given four months in youth custody, forced to eat hamster.
Check Those Bins
Try not to cart off people, binmen told by health and safety chiefs as "Wheelie Bin Edwards" crawl out of third haul in a month.
"This Bin Is Snoring!"
Try not to cart off people, binmen told by health and safety chiefs, as drunks wandering all over garbage dumps.
Escaping "Geek" Tag
Milibands speak out to escape 'geek' tag in a bid to gain public support in leadership race. Also remove all their pocket protectors.
23 Million Crowd
England expects: 23million, 22.9 of which will be British, to tune into World Cup showdown with U.S. as supermarkets prepare for £2.5bn bonanza.
Cameron Appeals For Calm
Cameron to appeal for calm during crunch talks with Obama today over BP oil spill tensions. To ban cameras during ass kicking.
"Can I Have A Woman Too?"
Not bad for a 26-year-old... Blairs buy son Euan a £1.3million townhouse (that takes their property portfolio to £14m, 7 houses). Say they managed to put back a little during years as PM.
Chavez To Help Kids
Venezuela's Chavez offers cure for kids' insomnia, by supplying them with free tape of his speeches.
Let Them Drink Cocktails!
Study: Shrinking glaciers to spark food shortages, ice for cocktails.
Should Have Asked Earlier
Boycott Big Oil? Prepare to give up your lifestyle? "Sure thing", say big SUV drivers.
Guess He Forgot
Obama: Congress must raise doctors' Medicare pay, reminded that Medicare already nearly bankrupt.
Tea party shaping Republican Party, face falls off! I'm sorry, that should be "fall faceoffs".
Obama, British PM Meet
Obama, British PM to discuss BP's Gulf oil spill. "You attempt to kick my ass one time and out you go on your own", states PM.
To Make It Easier Understood
Calif. hostage standoff continues as everyone moves south to form a Mexican standoff.
Need A Nip Sometimes
Spirit Airlines cancels flights as pilots strike over not allowing any spirits in cockpit.
Pumping Natural Gas
Local family starts pumping natural gas..I'm sorry, local "company" starts pumping natural gas.
OJ Filing Appeal
OJ jury makeup, judge conduct of tackling OJ and yelling "I could have brought him down with a tackle if stupid NFL had drafted ME", questioned in appeal.
Sebelius stumps for anti-childhood obesity plan. Recommends chasing your kid around the house with stick of broccoli to get enough exercise.
State Department assessing damage from cables leak. "First the oil well, now this", laments official.
Kagan Is One Of These
Documents show Kagan a political pragmatist. To find out what that is, look up: Scholarly articles for political pragmatism definition.
Vand der Sloot New Hot Item
Van der Sloot taken to prison on murder charge a victim of rape already. "We were afraid of this terrible thing", snorts official.
Kyrgyzstan Invites Help
Kyrgyzstan invites Russian troops to end unrest, before they can invite themselves.
French fishing boat rescues stranded Calif. teen. Then surrender her to her family.
In apparent homage to the recently "retired" Helen Thomas, ABC senior White House correspondent Jake Tapper today was seen in a bright red suit. "I got it at a Richard Pryor estate sale," said Jake.
Oy Vey, Helen
White House press corps doyenne Helen Thomas has retired under duress for her recent insane comments on the Jews. The Mossad said it should have no problem finding Helen in her customary red finery.
What The Puck?
The Chicago Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup. No, really.
When Ass Jokes Go Bad
A Spoof.com writer couldn't sleep Friday night and wrote a series of juvenile, ass-related Snippets far beneath her usual fun offerings. When reached for comment, she said, "Go drunk, I'm away."
Silly Ass 3
A man has been with charged with Class X felony butt-stuffing, allegedly for accosting another man at Walgreens and making him steal two cameras and a Kit Kat bar for him, via the victim's colon.
Silly Ass 2
A man was arrested Saturday on a charge of misdemeanor butt-stuffing, which differs from felony butt-stuffing based upon the benign-ity and non-pointiness of items stuffed.
A man was arrested Friday night for felony butt-stuffing. Details later as we learn what's behind the story.
New Ecological Vehicle Goes on Sale
The most ecological vehicle in history goes on sale today: the Ford Priapism, which runs entirely on M&M's. The car doesn't come cheap, however - buyers will have to stump up a cool $50 million.
Lord Lucan found at last.
Underground miners in China have recently discovered the elusive and previously thought dead Lord Lucan, who has not been seen for over 30 years. He hid in a deep coal cave. Lucan is now 165 years old
Blatter upset, cancels World Cup
FIFA President, Sepp Blatter, has suddenly cancelled the World Cup in South Africa because the hotel he was staying at delivered his breakfast too late. Blatter has complained to SA Prez Jacob Zuma.
We Slightly Underestimated
BP raises estimate of oil spilling rate from 10 gallon a day to 10,000 gallon an hour.
Take The Hint
Coming solar flares may encourage the world to go to solar energy!
Finally, He Turns!
Old Fart in Florida traveling 30 MPH with right turn signal on causes three police cars chasing him to collide when he suddenly turns left ten blocks later.
Obama Kicking Ass!
President kicks ass. Ass returns the kick. Obama's ass is around his shoulders.
Is Israel Doomed?
Ahmadinejad: Israel doomed! Egyptian: Israel doomed! Babylon: Israel doomed! Hayman: Israel doomed! Rome: Israel doomed! Crusaders: Israel doomed! Ottoman Empire: Israel doomed! Hitler: Israel doomed!
Top Nudists TV Shows #22
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Charlie's Brown Penis"
Top Nudists TV Shows #21
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Phallus"
Top Nudists TV Shows #20
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Carol Burned It Show"
Top Nudists TV Shows #19
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "In The Buff, Vampire Slayer"
Top Nudists TV Shows #18
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Buffalo Bill Comes Out Tonight"
Top Nudists TV Shows #17
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Arrested Development"
Top Nudists TV Shows #16
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Bobbon' Newhard Show"
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