Spoof news snippets from Friday 11 June 2010
World cup squad missing!
After a sightseeing visit to the Kinsala Lion Park the England team have gone missing. Smiling Head Keeper, Mr Okubu, said; "I have never heard of this England united team".
KKK New UK Chapter Uncovered!
Following the dismal showing of the British National Party in the recent UK elections former candidates elect have united in forming a KKK alliance based in the seaside town of Eastbourne.
Dud Of The Year Named?
June 2010, Chelsea's John Terry has been named "Dud of the Year" after he came top of a poll of English footy fans in a "I'm Firing Blanks" survey!
He's The Expert
V.P. Joe Biden has began his African tour, which includes visits to Egypt, Kenya, & S. Africa & already he's put his foot in his mouth. Oh he hasn't said anything, it's just a custom in S. Africa.
Reason #2 Why Lindsay Lohan's Assistant Quit her Job.
Message she left on Lohan's answering machine: "Hi, Lindsay. I got your message. Listen, I don't think it'll help if I breathe into your SCRAM bracelet for you, OK?
Reason #1 Why Lindsay Lohan's Assistant Quit her Job.
She was sick of answering Lohan every time she yelled, "Keg stand! Hold my legs."
Reason #3 Why Lindsay Lohan's Assistant Quit her Job.
Because Lohan turned the assistant's bedroom into a meth lab.
Reason #4 Why Lindsay Lohan's Assistant Quit her Job.
She finally had to say, "Lindsay, that is my bath powder. It's not what you think."
3 Quarters, Dime & 2 Pennies = Dollar!
Latest drop in the US dollar to 87 cents has citizens all over the country looking for change in couches & chairs.
A breath of hot, fresh air
Rush Limbaugh ties the knot a fourth time to show his respect for the sanctity of marriage. Bride Kathryn: "It was the happiest day of my life." Limbaugh: "It probably placed in the top 3, folks."
Dog At It Again
BP to Obama at meeting: "Sorry Sir, the dog ate the figures we had when the oil well first started leaking."
"Weep No More My Lady!"
It was so hot in Washington DC today that the statue of Lincoln began singing "My Old Kentucky Home".
Hall and Oates have canceled their scheduled appearance in Phoenix because of Arizona illegal immigrant law. Also because their real names are Huaxpitzcactzin and Ortez.
Look! A Walking Ass!
Top Portuguese science award goes to 2 US neuroscientists researching human sight, mostly at WalMarts. "Quite a sight", says one.
US Consumer's Giving Mixed Signals
US consumer data for May give mixed signals for economy. "Some days you get the smile, some days you get the finger", says Wally Mart greeter.
Solar Flares Hit The Road!
Solar flares could become so hot this summer that it will melt tar on the road. But it shouldn't bother you because your tires will have melted already.
Also Sport Goatees
Seal whiskers sense faraway fish. "I smell fish but they are faaaar out, man!"
Needs To Lose A Few Stone
Kirsty Alley says that since she's gotten really fat, she mostly goes on blind dates. "I've been on so many blind dates in the past two years that I won a seeing eye dog.
Michelle's Mother' Bad Health
Michelle Obama admits that her mother is not in good shape. "She's never really exercised. I remember when she got winded using a rotary dial telephone."
Japan's Solar Sail In Space #2
Japan unfurls Ikaros solar sail in space. It is immediately attack by Somali pirates.
Solar Sail In Space
Japan unfurls Ikaros solar sail in space but debt collapse on ground not smooth sailing.
Really Really Bad
BP oil spill now double that of early "catastrophic" prediction.
Tribe take in GB
Ex UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has been accepted as a member of the Zulooze tribe in Uganda. Criterior is strict as they only accept PM's with less than 3 years service under their belt. Zulooze!
Blatter pulls plug on South African World Cup
With the first game in the World Cup just a few minutes old, Sep Blatter has decided to cancel the tournament because a fan called him an "old fart". Blatter was said to be enraged by the comment.
Brown headed for South Africa
The former Prime Minister of UK, Gordon Brown, has been chosen as a late addition to the England World Cup Squad in South Africa. Brown will warm the bench for England's first Cup game in a few days.
Google Too Interfering #2
Google announces that you two still can really go at it for a couple married over 35 years.
Google Too Interfering
Google just showed your old "Demented looking junior high school photo" to millions, as camera's rally zoom in. Why were you looking at that old annual?
Recommendation Angers Castro
GOP recommends placing huge jet fans on shores to blow oil slick to Cuba.
Prime Minister Dave Cameron is backing England to win the World Cup. "I got 8-1 at Ladbrokes & bet the entire economy on it." If England are successful the country will be a staggering £64 better off.
Maybe This Would Help
BP Considering changing name to Blackwater or Whitewater or Goldwater to try and improve image.
Economist: "I Give Up!"
U S Retail sales unexpectedly fall in May after being unexpectedly being up in April.
Helen Thomas retires to spend more time studying the Third Reich.
No More Royal Treatment
President Obama becomes the first US President to be slapped by his Mother-In-Law for comment about wife. Bush was the first slapping from a Mom. Jimmy Carter, kick in the ass by Miss Lillian.
Obama Still Working On It
Obama says he's "Had enough of these doodlewhacking leaks from this dadgum spill!" Says he still needs some practice.
Elton John To Play
Elton John accepts offer to play at friend's wedding..but not the piano.
Fox Back With Transformers
Megan Fox Dumped From "Transformers 3"; may be back. "She's totally transformed herself", says director.
Customers Not Laughing
Stand-Up comedian driven from stage in Florida after announcing that he was getting over 59 miles per pelican.
Most Americans depressed as oil keeps leaking into Gulf, "Sex and the City 2" remains in theaters.
Immigrants Dumbing Down Country
'Immigrants are making our country dumber': Anger as board member of Germany's central bank cites, Goebbels Hitler, shows 'ample statistics'
Tired Of Dragging Privates As He Reached For Extra Helpings
Tipper Gore says she was turned off Al Gore after his global warming excuse allowed him to walk around naked all day.
No Global Warming
Doubts about global warming are on the rise after 'big freeze' winter and heated emails row!
Police Car Rampage
Pensioner, 89, killed by marked police car! Police crew ordered to remove all four previously marked kills on side of hood.
This Time I Mean It!
Obama, with a grim face, summons BP Chief to White House for 54th time.
Couple Survive 300Ft Plunge
Miracle couple walk away with minor injuries after sports car plunges 300ft down a ravine. Credit extra airbag, parachute.
NCAA Sanctions Rough
USC hit hard by NCAA sanctions! "No football for the next twenty years!"
Probably In Lost Luggage Department
Delta apologizes for putting kids on wrong flights. "They'll pop up somewhere assures Officials."
Obama Gas Rules 'Pass'
Obama's greenhouse gas rules survive Senate vote. Senator Byrd wheeled back onto Senate floor as GOP put on gas masks.
Greece Objects To Phrase
Japan PM warns of Greece-like debt crisis. Greece starting to be offended with term "Greece-Like"
BP Shares Up
British Petroleum shares slide back in today's London trading.
Not Necessarily Nixon
Impressionist Rich Little confessed to doing most of the better "Nixon Tapes" found at the White House.
Files Almost Ready
Release set for more of Kagan's Clinton-era files as workers finish up black-out pencilings.
Clinton Encourages Dems
Interview: Bill Clinton to Dems, 'Never give up! There are plenty of Monica's out there if you will just look."
Simpson Headed For Reform School
Videos will likely be star witnesses in BART trial as young Simpson seen breaking over 10,000 laws.
Solar Flares #8
Mort Active Sun Means Nasty Polar Storms A head! Cood interfeer wid cumpooters.
Pope Begs Forgiveness
Pope begs forgiveness, promises action on abuse. Many parents say there's been too much "action" by priests already.
Solar Flares #7
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Hollywood starlets told to move to Alaska until they are over of risk melted boobs, face, ass.
Ahmadinejad calls UN resolution 'worthless paper'. Wipes his ass on it on National TV.
Really Old Shoe Discovered
Oldest leather shoe steps out after 5,500 years. "Air Grogg" brand on the side.
Solar Flares #6
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead. Don't be surprised if Howdy Doody, Dave Garroway & Mr. Muggs show back up on TV with mixed satellites.
Solar Flares #5
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Fire walkers may stay in the fire as highways, etc. melt.
Solar Flares #4
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Weathermen will be able to roast pig with apple in it's mouth on the sidewalk.
Solar Flares #3
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Should be able to light cigarettes on parking meters while smoking outside workplace.
Thosre Solar Flares #2
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Nudists warned to cover themselves in Gulf Oil.
Those Solar Flares
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead as solar flares expected to down satellites, set forests ablaze, but milder than expected.
Oil Getting Worse #2
Oil to wash in for months, years as President Obama meets with BP chief for first time almost two months after spill.
Oil Getting Worse
With each look at oil flow, the numbers get worse as President, BP Oil ask that cameras be turned off.
She's got a lot of balls
16-year-old sailor Abby Sunderland rescued after activating emergency beacons in stormy seas off Madagascar. Unfazed, Abby plans to be first teen to cross Gulf oil spill this hurricane season.
EPA: Should the Gulf's Oil-soaked Birds be Rescued or Killed?
Said Quackers, the oil-soaked birds' spokesperson, "Are you kidding me? So my choices are get cleaned or DIE?! We'll go with 'cleaned', thankyouveryf-ckingmuch."
World Worried China Seeking Major Oil Spill Of Its Own To Counter US Gaining Free Publicity
Chinese subs spotted off coast of Hong Kong targetting two giant offshore rigs.Politburo out to prove that as a great power China's negligence can cause problems for global environment too. full story
Reason #1 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"I hereby bequeath all my possessions to Shannon Price, who is sweet, and beautiful, and is in no way a gold-digger, and would never consider profiting from my death."
Reason #2 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath all my possessions. Because there is no way that, three years from now, she will push me down the steps and I will suffer a brain hemorrhage and die."
Reason #3 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my copy of Kendra Wilkinson's Sex Tape. God, do you KNOW what I would do to her? Seriously, what would I do? Because I have no idea."
Reason #4 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my souvenir tar-ball from the Gulf Coast. Damned BP."
Reason #6 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my photo with President Barack Obama in the White House."
Reason #5 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my Mass Card from Rue McClanahan's funeral. Good night, funny lady."
Reason #7 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my autograph from Captain Sully. Damned geese."
Reason #8 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my McCain - Palin 2008 t-shirt. Sarah'll be back. And I doubt they're implants."
Reason #9 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath my Tivo'ed copy of the Series finale of Lost. God, JJ Abrams screwed the pooch on that one."
Reason #10 Gary Coleman's Handwritten 2007 Will Might Be Fake.
"To Shannon Price, I hereby bequeath all of my Zhu Zhu Pets."
Pope Benedict Notes Appeal
Pope asked to allow priests to marry by priests, parents of choir boys and divorce lawyers!
Americans Behind Others Behind
Report: U.S. lags behind most nations in Sex Education, as
Americans "among the worst ass kissers." France comes in at #1.
Police patrol along beaches in Florida to make sure there is no oil looting.
Top Nudist TV Shows #15
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Beaver & Butt Show"
Top Nudist TV Shows #14
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Horace Ripley's Believe It Or Not!"
Top Nudist TV Shows #13
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "American Noodle"
Top Nudist TV Shows #12
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "All In The Family Way"
Top Nudist TV Shows #11
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Alfred Hitchcock Presents: His Hitched Cock"
Top Nudist TV Shows #10
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Stark Naked City"
Top Nudist TV Shows #9
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "ABC's Nude World Of Sports, Live From Greece"
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