Spoof news snippets from Thursday 10 June 2010
Top Lawyer tunes #9
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "I Filed My Appeal On Blueberry Hill".
Top Lawyer Tunes #8
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "Cherokee Acquittals"
Hong Kong Strong Dong Pong Wrong: Long Song
Sting has written a 44-verse folk ballad about the story of Kwai Lap, who was recently ordered by the Hong Kong authorities to suppress the foul odours emanating from his unwashed nether regions.
Hong Kong: Strong Dong Pong "Wrong"
The authorities in Hong Kong have ruled that the foul odours emanating from Kwai Lap's unwashed nether regions pose risk to public health and that he must shower at least once a week.
Lit Twit's Fitted Tit Mitt a Hit
During a fire in which he was injured, Bertie Wooster came up with the idea of the made-to-measure fur-lined bra. Primark has reported record sales of the product during the recent cold spell.
That Fat Cat Matt Sat at Bat in Hat- Twat!
Play at Lords was delayed for 15 minutes today when the famous panama-wearing multi-millionaire media mogul Matthew Moron moseyed into the match, erected a deck chair by the stump, and fell asleep.
Head of KKK in "Nancy Boy" Jibe
The head of the KKK in America is being tagged a "Bi Nancy Boy" after his mum put his costume in with the colour wash which consisted of a majority of red clothing.
Candidate A "Plant"
PARANOIA: Clyburn says South Carolina Dem Senate candidate a 'plant;' calls for pod.......probe!
Obama Rama Ding-Dong!
London mayor tells Obama: Stop bashing Britain, as Obama losing US two greatest supporters, Britain & Israel, within a few weeks.
"What About Those Birds, Fool?"
While no one is telling who has been coaching President Obama on how to talk tough to BP while the cameras are rolling, but one hint is that he calls everybody, "Fool! & wears a lot of jewelry.
Wheels Grinding Slowly
The long arm of the law finally points it's finger at Joran van der Sloot!
Top Lawyer Tunes #7
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them (Oh Baby Come On), Let Met Take You Where The Action's Filed"
Top Lawyer Tunes #6
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "Talking About My Rehabilitation"
Top Lawyer Tunes #5
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "My Peggy, Sue"
Top Lawyer Tunes #4
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "I Can't Get No, Adjudication"
Top Lawyer Tunes #3
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "Dear Jurisprudence"
Top Lawyers Tunes #2
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "One Appeal Makes You Larger & One Appeal Makes You Small"
Top Lawyer's Tunes
New 2010 reveals lawyers have other song favorites that "Lawyers In Love", among them "Arbitration Nation, That' My Station"
Getting Even With Albert Grossman
Rumored Chronicles II, the second part of Bob Dylan's autobiography to be subtitled, "My Back Rages".
That explains everything
Satirist wonders why recent Meg Whitman story isn't garnering a larger share of views, then realizes majority of U.K. doesn't care what happens in California, and most Americans can't read.
Apes Won't Evolve
Report: Monkeys, Apes Could Soon Be Extinct! Refuse to evolve any further after seeing what man has done to the world.
"Some Good Ashes There
International Organization of Firewalkers to hold annual meeting in Iceland.
"And Eat No Pork In Presence of Jews, Muslims"
Secretary of State Hillary asks Bill and Jimmy Carter for their best advice on the Middle East problem. "Don't mention either of our names."
Why He Likes Dark Places
Pee Wee Herman caught in a theater again and arrested, taken downtown and asked for a urine test by peeing through a straw.
Pee Wee Arrested #2
Pee Wee Herman caught in a theater again and arrested for using a stimulus package not approved by the government.
Pee Wee Caught
Pee Wee Herman caught in a theater once again and arrested for abusing a minor member of the community.
BP Still In Denial
BP: NO! There are no big oil plumes under the ocean. The whole thing will naturally evaporate within weeks...once it stops.
Media Condemns Media Circus Outside Courthouse For Lindsay Lohan's Hearing
Traditional papparazzi,used to quietly sneaking up on celebs,condemned the excessive use of helicopters and screaching outside the courthouse.Stalkers Guild of America also joined in on the protest.
Faster Service Inside
Americans already getting back to wasting gas as 20 idling cars lined up before McDonald's service window, one couple eating inside.
Actual Steaks Are "Market" Priced
Another sign of a bad economy as restaurants now offer "Prime Thick-Sliced Bologna".
Space Station Orbit Moves Closer
Space station adds big screen television, recreation room.
BP Downplayed Spill
Report: BP Oil Company tried to water down the amount of oil there is in the water.
CIA reports: Iran tried to purchase enriched uranium from Nigeria after receiving several hundred offers. Had to pay small $10 million deposit first. Ahmadinejad pissed over falling for con.
What are the odds? Gambling addiction can be inherited. "Dad never wore rubbers and neither do I", states Scottish teen.
Harriet Laid To Rest
Ouch, that's GOT to hurt! Harriet the hen lays 'world's largest egg'. She was two years old.
Two Rescued In Dinghy
Hapless dinghy pair rescued after six hours drifting at sea left them hallucinating and dehydrated. However, Lady later confirms that "John is always like that. Talked me into the ride."
No Engliah Flags Allowed!
More than 1,200 housing association staff banned from flying England flags on their OWN cars. "French get to fly their white ones", objects one.
Class greets German twin town visitors with 'shameful' Nazi salute. Principal: Someone get me John Cleese, on the phone, please.
Ground Hog Day
The woman who thinks it's 1994 every morning - and has to be reminded she's married - after car crash leaves her with 24-hour memory. "Why is Charles always complaining about too much sex?
Cameron Promises Troops Higher Pay
Cameron pledges extra £67m for British troops on first visit to Afghanistan as PM. "It's just as beautiful there as I've always heard", he stated with a straight face.
Anti-British Talk Condemned
Cameron in crisis call with Obama as top Tories Tebbit & Boris attack Obama's strident 'anti-British' rhetoric
over BP oil spill. "The British Isles didn't come over there and piss in their Gulf!"
South Korea "lost" rocket latest
News just in: North Korea finds it.
BP lubricates public image
Petroleum giant massaged outraged public with urge to "remember all of the good times" before the spill. "We made a mistake," said spokesman Slicken Smooth. "I promise it will never happen again."
Both Jags Love Klein Cologne
Scientists use Calvin Klein cologne to lure jaguars. Many of the Cologne makers are already driving them.
Jekyll Island Gets $75M !
Jekyll Island makes new deals for $75M development to Hyde any scars from burns last year.
A Lot Simpler
Surgery not required to change gender on passports. "Just change the 'F' to 'M' or visa versa.....vice versa."
Big Sale On Ruby Shoes At Goldfines!
Garland lovers gather for Minnesota festival. Invite several hula dancers!
SuBo To Meet Pope
Susan Boyle to perform for pope during UK tour. "He won't wash my feet, will he? I have these horrible corns."
Short People Have It Rough
Short people at higher risk of heart problems, being bullied.
Rumors Abound About An Oil Spill
BP shares plunge on unconfirmed rumor of an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
Clinton, Columbian Leader Meet, Share
Clinton to Colombia: We will stand with you as long as this cigarette we share makes us both happy. Where are the snacks?
Missed Our Target Date
General: Kandahar operation will take longer, but only a couple of decades.
Oil Spill's Many Victims
BP shares, Gulf hotels & restaurants, thousands of birds plunge on oil spill fallout fears.
Hopping For A Light Sentence
Former Boys and Girls Club of Franklin employee accused of froggery. I'm sorry, that should be forgery.
Might Scare Children
China cancels visa restriction on bald Taiwanese. But place new ones on victims of ugly stick attacks.
We Still Believe
Majority of Americans Still 'Believe' in Global Warming, Santa Claus.
No Use For Frequent Flyer Miles.
Frequent Flyer Seats: Sorry, All Full! Plenty of free rides awaiting an available seat but none expected until 2015. Instead, nice date with a hostess offered.
Survey finds penises are boring
89 percent of women ages 25-49 think penises, when not being put to good use, aren't as interesting as men think they are. The other 11 percent were habitual liars on the subject.
Iran Gets Mighty Slap On Wrist!
Can UN's latest Iran sanctions be a game-changer? Will a leopard change his spots? Is the moon made out of cheese?
New Furthest Leaning Tower
Capital Gate Named World's Furthest Leaning Tower! Italy Pissed over Pisa.
Really Old Shoe
Oldest leather shoe steps out after 5,500 years. Oldest shoe found. Discoverer wears it a mile and sees a vision of 460-year old Methuselah in his middle ages.
Oldest Shoe Found
Oldest leather shoe steps out after 5,500 years as oldest shoe ever found was probably thrown at a speaker.
Star Washer Screws Nuts; Seals, Plugs and Bolts
Dot Branning, launderette manageress, sucessfully persuaded 2 guys with mental health issues to have intercourse with her, before locking them in a room, connecting them to the mains and running away.
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Beware that your GPS system doesn't lead you over a cliff.
Solar Storms Mixed Signals
More Active Sun Means Nasty Solar Storms Ahead! Expect TV shows to jump from PBS children shows to the Playboy Channel, parents are warned.
SKorean Rocket Explodes
South Korean rocket likely exploded soon after liftoff. North Korea says that at least theirs came down in the wrong place.
Residents After BP
Red tape, blackened Beaches vexes Gulf residents seeking BP payments.
Nick Clegg doesn't exist
Reports state that Nick Clegg doesn't exist but is in fact David Cameron's reflection. Cameron came up with the idea whilst at a hall of mirrors and saw himself in a mirror that makes you look thinner
BP Board tell CEO Tony Hayward:
Don't use phrases like "There are plenty more fish in the sea" or "Pouring oil on troubled waters" until further notice.
Blatter and South African cuisine; a no no
FIFA have suddenly decided to cancel the World Cup in South Africa because FIFA President, Sep Blatter, doesn't enjoy eating dead rats on a stick or even grilled hyenas. A car rally will be held.
World Cup cancelled
FIFA, preparing to conduct the World Cup in South Africa, have suddenly cancelled the event after finding a cockroach under one of the Stadium seats at a designated venue.Fans will riot in the street.
Mother Earth Will Take Care Of It!
New BP commercial with Elton John's "The Circle Of Life" not working, "Can you feel the love tonight?"
Obama Getting Mean!
President Barack Obama, to show how he feels about oil slick, has his photo taken showing him pissing on a barrel of BP Oil!
Blago Trial Begins
Blagojevich lawyer claims that his client is not corrupt. But he has the same IQ as his hairpiece.
Put A Lid On It!
EPA to Amish: Put a lid on your bull shit. Same one they sent to congress.
This Day In 1956
This Day In 1956: Julia Child was pulled off the air after consuming too much sherry and beginning her recipe with, "First go out and cut the balls off a hog."
B & N: No Sales
Barnes & Noble say that the "Taliban Outdoor Cookbook" is just not selling, even to radical Muslims or suicide bombers.
New KFC Item
New Kentucky Deep-Fried Grubs not working either. "Maybe our slogan, 'Eat Them Before they Eat You!" should be changed?
Top Nudist TV Shows #8
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Leers!"
Top Nudist TV Shows #7
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Abbot & Costello Show Theirs"
Top Nudist TV Shows #6
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Ham Movers"
Top Nudest TV Shows #5
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Reveal More Girls".
Top Nudist TV Shows #4
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Really Really Big Head Sullivan Shows"
Top Nudist TV Shows #3
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Old George Burns Slow"
Top Nudist TV Shows #2
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "General Horsefellow"
Top Nudists TV Shows
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Dick Sans Dyke Show".
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