Spoof news snippets from Friday 9 July 2010
Report on BP Clean-Up
Gulf of Mexico cleanup workers - contracted fishermen - are being told they'll be fired if they wear protective gear. BP isn't providing the gear, said if workers wear respirators, they will be fired.
Moat Finds Pol Pot!
Police said they recieved a phone call from Raoul Moat saying he had found pol Pot in a barn. "Me an Lord Lucan were avin a cigarette when Pol walks in and says he's on the run an can we help him"
Counterfeit Italian Palma Hams
Italian ham police seized 1,000 Parma hams they were stamped with fake trademarks. The phony baloney hams didn't follow the instructions so they were lesser quality. The offenders were Ukranian.
Curry Hand Grenade Developed
India has developed a new nonlethal weapon in the war on terror: the curry hand grenade. It packs curry, peppers and phosphorous creating a cloud that brings people to their knees within seconds.
Replica World Cup made of Cocaine
Police disovered one of two world cup replica's made of cocaine today in Columbia. The 2nd one was believed to have been presented to the England 2010 world cup squad.
£325,000worth of Coins Metal Detected
Joe Dew found a hoard of more than 52,000 coins buried in an enormous pot in county Somerset. The coins date from the third century and some were minted by Emperor Gordon Brown the 1st.
Foul play ruled out
An inquest has determined there was no foul play in the death of a 64-year-old British woman last October. The cause of death was apparently related to her sexual excitement while watching porn.
Pathway to be temporarily closed
The river bank path between Leeds & Hutton is to be closed for river defence work. Very popular with rapists, muggers and MPs alike, this news will come as a great disappointment to many.
Dementia Awareness Week
New figures launched to coincide with Dementia Awareness Week show a six-fold increase in the number of Members of Lords taking part in vital research into dementia.
Gazza - Gone Fishing In The Moat!
Former football star Paul Gascoigne said "all me and Rauol want is to fish for trout"
Too Much Television
Too much TV blamed for average family voting one member of the house out for that day.
Too Much TV
In the news, there was an article about Native Americans at an Indian reservation who are trying to save the language of Dakota. Meanwhile in eastern Kentucky, there is a group trying to save Anglish.
Blow It Right Away
According to a scientific study, they have now come out with the carbon diet. An environmentally friendly diet that reduces greenhouse gases. Rule #1: NEVER eat at Taco Bell.
"Raoul" World Cup Final Demand!
Fugutive gunman Raoul Moat demands a place in the starting line up for Spain's World Cup clash with Holland with UK police!
The Taliban celebrates National Women's Day in Afghanistan by beating their asses with rods, thirty picked at random!
To Avoid Future Depressions
Fed Chairman Benanke says that there will be an autopsy on the nation's economy.
Heat Affecting Farmers
Farmers in the Northeast United States say that their cows have reached their tipping point.
Gore No More?
Scheduled for Monday: Al Gore to make cycle jump over a shark at Dollywood!
Man dies in freak accident
Author Germaine Greer is being held for questioning after a man who held a hotel door open for her mysteriously died at the scene. "He simply refused to breathe." Said the famous feminist.
MILFF gets huge cock
The President of the Mothers In London Fowl Fanciers has been presented with a rooster on a visit to Yangbi Huang province, China. The Yangbi Huang breed of rooster can grow up to 35 cm long.
Woman "It was like a babies arm holding an apple"
A woman is recovering from being struck on the head by an apple thrown by a baby from a flat above.
The woman said, "I was like, walking. I like, looked up. I saw the baby armed with like, fruit."
Whitehouse tight lipped on cleanup
A tourist claims they accidentally walked in on Barack Obama bathing with two nubian ladies during a Whitehouse tour. "One girl said the royal weiner is clean your Presidentness."said the tourist.
Juvenile juice rejuvenates junior star
Junior star Arnold Swarznegger has been arrested for sucking blood from young hispanic runaways in Mexico's Cancun. Arnie was spotted tossing their dessicated husks over his shoulder like beer cans.
There's No Cheap Product !
Cheap 'made in China' era coming to an end? None of it was ever cheap if you figure in cost of care after lead exposure.
Another Big Find!
UK treasure hunter finds 52,000 Roman coins. US treasure hunter claims he found billions in gold at Fort Knox, Kentucky. Dug down ten feet and 1,000 yards away following noisy metal detector.
Family Of Spies?
Kids might not follow deported Russian spy parents. However, they may change their tune once they find their houses and cars bugged.
Russian Spy Anna Chapman's Most Unusual Secret Camera Hiding Place
The gorgeous Russian spy Anna Chapman has revealed that one of her favorite hiding places for her secret camera was in her crotch where the camera was disguised as a clitoris.
The Real Sarah Palin That Lives Inside of The Real Tina Fey
Tina Fey says that she first realized how much she had gotten into the Sarah Palin character when one morning she woke up and wanted to go out and stalk, shoot, skin, and eat a caribou.
Jennifer Aniston Is Starting To Have Some Interesting Sexual Thoughts
Jennifer Aniston says that she has been rejected by so many men that Courtney Love and Amy Winehouse are starting to look inviting.
"No! I Mean Yes! No!
Miss USA: 'I fear no question' since competition! Reporter: "Are you still dancing naked at that club downtown?"
Mel Gibson Ruined?
Asked if he was ruined by recent publicity, Mel Gibson answered, "No, I still have both balls."
Can You Give Me A Lift?
In Boston today, firefighters had to use a special lift to remove a 500-pound man from his home. He made it out and is doing OK. There are 3 firemen with hernias and a broken lift, but the man is OK.
New Doughnut Out!
Scientist have came up with a new doughnut that does not add on to the consumer's weight. It's full of caffeine so your restless legs burn up the calories the rest of the day (& night)
According to the British Journal of Psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks. I wish to disagree. It's when I run out that the attacks start!
Heat Wave Continues
It was so hot and depressing yesterday, Katie Couric was downgraded from Marvelous to Middlin.
New Pill Breakthrough!
The one-a-day pill that could finally halt Alzheimer's, if only they can remember to take it.
Fussy Eaters Have Disorder?
Fussy eaters could be classed as having an eating disorder, especially those who refuse to eat 'spotted dick' and 'blood pudding'.
Family Jewels To Be Sold
Earl Spencer makes £21m selling off 'family jewels' through Christie's. Many conclude: "He has the balls for it."
Justice At Last!
Iran backs down: World fury forces Tehran to spare 'adulterous' mother from being stoned - but will they hang her instead?
They Are Listening!
The great spy swap: U.S. and Russia exchange agents in Vienna - as femme fatale Anna Chapman vows to return to Britain, after reading comments on TheSpoof!
The son of Osama Bin Laden and his British wife have split up after he began to hear his father's voice in his beard, it has emerged.
Laughs To Cost Him Dearly!
Husband 'secretly bugged wife's car shower then played tapes of singing to family and friends'.
Pensions Hit Hard
Private pensions are hit for £100bn: Final salary scheme change will affect millions of what is now being called, "The Turnip Generation".
Interior Minster Stolen
German interior minister's car stolen while he was still inside.
SAfrican airport firm to reimburse fans for hearing losses.
Time To Do The RIGHT Thing!
Place your bets: Table games open at Pa. casinos, after restoring ten acres to Native American tribe they nearly killed off 150 years ago.
New Orleans Ready For Tourists
New Orleans back in Travel + Leisure top 10 cities! "Just need to stay up-wind of oil spill smell."
Lohan's Attorney Cracks
Lindsay Lohan's defense attorney resigns from case. Checks herself into hospital for week's rest.
Lohan's Mouthpiece Quits
Lindsay Lohan's defense attorney resigns from case. Beats head on the wall!
FDA clears first implantable telescope for vision. Hopes to improve 4-inch size of telescope.
Delay In Filter Down Under
Australia delays Internet porn filter to review content for the next six month.
Caught In The Act
Australia: Google Street View broke privacy law, after man sues over shot of him shitting in neighbor's backyard which he had always blamed on the dog.
Google Faces Suit
Australia: Google Street View broke privacy law ruling after lawsuit by man who was pictured drunk and pissing on neighbor's car.
Hurricanes Developing In Gulf?
La Nina developing, could mean more hurricanes as "Hurricane Oil Slick Harry" the eighth name in line.
One Long Panel!
Solar panels lands after completing 24-hour flight. Sorry, that should have been 'plane', although they're the same thing.
Toyota Raises Wages In China?
Toyota president open to raising wages in China, maybe up to $1.25 an hour.
Can't Seem To Get The Lead Out!
China auto sales growth slows again in June after every buyer complains about lead in paint.
Spoof writers hired by Daily Telegraph
Spoof writers have obviously been hired to write for The Daily Telegraph. They use different names - but it MUST be true. Have you read the Telegraph lately? 5 star stories-read like spoofs.
Baskets Not Needed After All?
Confidence in world recovery boosts stock markets. Slaes of hand baskets plunge.
New Prez Picks Cabinet
Slovak president appoints new government: "You, you, you over there and this guy licking my shoes."
Buffett Got More Advice
Buffett recounts the best advice he's ever received: "You ever wish you had a pencil-thin mustache?"
"You Must Be Manly...EEEEKK!"
Co-founder of strength team injured during demonstration when mouse runs under barbells.
LeGone: LeBron James dumps Cleveland for Miami. "This has never happened here before", laments fan.
Lohan's Attorney Resigns
Lindsay Lohan's defense attorney resigns from case. "This one needs a psychiatrist."
Lottsa Tone Setting
GOP leaders let demagogues set tone, lawmaker says. GOP responds with Dems allowing their 'god' Obama to set tone.
Extensions Should Help Laid Off Ladies In Nevada
Obama promotes energy projects, economy, unemployment extension benefits for ladies laid off in Nevada.
Big Spy Turnover These Days
US, Russian planes swap 137 spies in Vienna, as a few more were caught during the night.
Presbyterians continue to be divided over gays after trying to turn over a new Leif.
J & J Sales Plunge
Johnson & Johnson sales plunge as new placebo recall announced this morning.
Lived A Plains Life
Georgia claims it has world's oldest person, 130. It's Jimmy Carter's Uncle, Mr. Peanut.
UK Treasure Hunter
UK treasure hunter finds 52,000 Roman coins, one Greek token for "A Free Ride At Achilles Place".
Buffett Was Listening Closely
Buffett recounts the best advice he's ever received: "You know, it may be lunch time here but it's five o'clock somewhere."
Buffett's Other Great Advice
Buffett recounts the best advice he's ever received: "Have you ever had a cheeseburger in Paradise?"
Buffet's Best Advice
Buffett recounts the best advice he's ever received: "Have you ever visited Margaritaville?
Rougher There Than Here?
Freed Russian agents getting new life in spy swap, may get through grilling at home in Russia.
If That Doesn't Work...
Transferring oil from broken well to an older well could delay some spillage, says BP. That's Plan T.
Battersea Dogs Home Shock
Shock News: Today it was revealed that Battersea Dogs Home has been forced to close down.
They have had to call in the Official Retriever!
Moat: - Castle Surrounded
Police chiefs coordinating the hunt for Raoul Moat reported that a castle near Rothbury is now surrounded by a moat.
Raoul Moat investigation under scrutiny after this personal ad was seen in local paper.
SEXY 19 blonde, Northumberland up for fun. WLTM ginger man, of fiery nature, enjoys writing long letters, hunt & camp. If this sounds like you, contact me at: Armedresponseteam@northumbriapolice.com
Court Overturns Offshore Drilling Ban For A Second Time
Courts again tell the government they overstepped their authority by shutting down drilling and killing oil jobs. Government gets pissy: "Obama was elected king and can do whatever he wants."
Redistributing Health Care Advice
Dr. J. Mengele, new head of Medicare/Medicade, asked seniors to take a small dose of Arsenic every day. Seniors refused, telling the good doctor to redistribute his health care advice to others!
President Obama Defends Political Decision
Obama defends his political decision to sue Arizona over the state's new illegal immigrant law. The president cites a DOE report that claims illegal immigrants go out at night & generate green energy.
United Nations to Close its Doors
The UN is closing after 60 years, having become an ineffectual body. The New York headquarters is so full of bullshit, the granite bedrock has cracked and the building is sliding into the East River.
Too Much Credit Card Debt?
Obama has too much credit card debt and has over drawn his ATM account. Obama's financial advisors, the American public, have said "stop spending!"
Looking the Other Way
The New Black Panther Party has rejected US Attorney General Eric Holder for membership. The group spokesman called the AG a cracker, whitey and told him to go join the NAACP!
FDA Labeling Requirements
A Prostitutes Union complained to the FDA about the new food labeling for products sold in "vending machines." The working girls wanted to know where to put the labels so they are always visible.
A Prostitutes Union complained to President Obama about a proposed 1% transaction tax. Specifically, the working girls want the Labor Department to describe the transactions, so rates can be adjusted.
Health Care Complaint
Representative Barney Frank has complained that the assholes in San Francisco CA are getting more health care benefits than the assholes in Boston MA!
Epidemic Spreads in Washington DC
VP Biden's foot-in-mouth disease infected NASA Administrator Charles Bolden, who said one of the agency's goals was to make Muslims "feel good." President Obama may also have contracted the malady!
EPA to Regulate Tornados
EPA proposes tough new regulations to limit the amount of dust, dirt and air pollution caused by Tornados. Fines for non-compliance will only be levied on tornados that make over $250,000 per year!
Change the Name to Protect the Guilty
The Department of the Interior is changing the name of Minerals Miscreant Screw-ups (MMS) to Bureau of Odorous Egotistical Miscreant, Regulation, and Enforcement (BOEMRE)!
President Obama's Recess Appointment
Obama appoints Dr. J. Mengele, a patient care specialist, to run Medicare/Medicaid. Herr Doctor is a proponent of rationing care to senior citizens to achieve wealth & health care redistribution.
Running of the Bull
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs was amazed at Spain for only having a "Running of the Bulls" once per year. He also indicated that here at the White House we run the bull every day!
It's a Miracle
President Obama turned beer into water today. It's not difficult, as many beer brewing nations claim American beer tastes like water!
Call me Lucky
Lindsay Lohan received a 90 day jail sentence from Judge Marsha Revel. Lindsay's lawyer says she was lucky, as the next judge in the court rotation was "hanging judge" Roy Bean!
Lindsay Lohan Asks Important Question To Friends
"Until I get out of prison in three months, do I qualify as jail bait again?"
Top Three Plagues Aboard Planes
The top three things that people hate on airplane flights? 3. Sitting by fat slobs, 2, Sitting near a terrorist and #1 Sitting near a crying baby.
Roman Coins Found
A British treasure hunter has found 52,000 Roman coins. Roman culture that is still with us today like Roman Candles, Roman Numerals, Roman Polanski to hide our daughters from, Roman Bread.
Lowest Form Of Life Discovered In Atlanta
Scientists at New Hampshire institute have announced that they've found the lowest form of life: Bernie Madoff!
Woods To Hold Meeting
Tiger Woods may make another public statement next week before the British Open. Fans say that it's a good thing to hold one now, before the media gets it all of control.
Dr. Conrad Murray
Dr. Conrad Murray was charged months ago with the death of Michael Jackson and he may be headed to jail. He could lose his license. Murray says he blames Barack Obama's new Health Care Bill.
Real Doctor Explains
Doctor Oz and Doctor Phil are television personalities, not like a real doctor, says Dr. Seuss.
The Pentagon announced that they may have to make new H-Bombs to replace those that are 60-years-old and leaking and falling apart.
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