Spoof news snippets from Thursday 8 July 2010
Blowing Off Steam?
Stocks took a drop today as Fed Chairman suddenly ran in circles, screaming & shouting about a gold calf.
The Ole Hem & Haw!
Republicans say they plan to hem and haw until November elections while allowing Dems to dig a bigger hole for themselves, especially in the Gulf.
Hillary Stays Hillary
Sec. of State Clinton was asked by a reporter why she didn't go in for the facelifts, that other politicians seem to do. "Tried it. Then I saw Bill, he tried to hit on me. Told me I was out of town."
World Cup Final 2010 - Spain 1 Netherlands 0
According to expert opinion
Moat Finds Lord Lucan!
Raoul Moat has written to the police telling them he has found the wanted Lord. Moat says he was taking a piss behind a bush, when this old bloke jumps up and shouts, Im fukin royalty you know!
Spreads To 25% Of The Country
Northeast United States suffers from Solar energy leak! 103 degrees in New York, Boston!
Club Foots Bill
Club footed students get tuition bill. I'm sorry, that should be "Club to foot student's tuition bill!
Rising Temperatures Mean an Decrease in Global Warming Deniers
Rising global temperatures over the last couple weeks has helped to lower the number of global warming deniers' claims that global warming isn't real.
Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters. Now how are you supposed to spoof a headline like that?
What's Next: "No More Spoofs About S.F."
San Francisco considers banning sale of pets! Also, smoking anything but marijuana in public.
Laws Too Tough
There may be another big illegal immigrant march in Washington DC soon. The protest is against how hard it is to come here. But if it's so hard, how did these millions get here?
Still Looked Nice
John Edwards has finally admitted that the $60 haircuts included a massage in the back room.
Az. To Give In?
Word on the street is that Arizona may repeal it's strict immigration laws. It's not the federal government suit, it's the fact that all the Walmart stores are threatening to close.
Must Have Kept It Hid
The Food & Drug Administration has announced that since marijuana became legal in California, there has been a 200% jump in cases of glaucoma.
Mom's At WalMart
According to a recent study, husbands who are couch potatoes have kids that are tater tots.
The Little Guy Gets It Again
Hundreds Of Fishermen Missing Checks From BP. BP Gives No Indication Of When Payments Resume. Conclusion: Fishermen Screwed!
Someting Wicked This Way Comes
Egypt unveils discovery of 4,300-year-old thumbs! Sorry, that should have been "tombs".
Worth A Fortune!
UK treasure hunter finds 52,000 Roman coins, five bars of gold pressed latinum!
Reason For Drill Ban
Obama administration set for drill ban legal fight. Many say that's why the oil is leaking now.
Judge Sends Lohan To Jail.
Lindsay's PR firm releases following statement: Mrs Lohan is looking forward to serving her sentence, and hopes to enjoy all the lesbian sex she will be having when attacked in the showers.
Allstate: Decision Helped.
After three years, Allstate Insurance Company says they are glad stopped selling new policies to homeowners in California because of too many disasters. "We would have lost millions on movies alone."
Biden Checked Out
Joe Biden stated today that he had had a full colonoscopy on his recent trip to the Mideast. "It was in the middle of the night on my second night in Afghanistan."
Exports To Double
U.S. on track to double exports in 5 years: Obama. Mostly people leaving to get medical treatment in time.
Obama back on the campaign trail. After taking of 30 days to run down and see the oil spill firsthand.
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
Secret cause of Gulf oil spill revealed...
... Tony Blair tripped and cracked his façade, allowing his real personality to leak out.
Could 100,000 Be Closer?
27,000 Abandoned Gulf Oil Wells Draw Shock, Anger! Obama immediately criticizes findings. Name new '27,000 Abandoned Oil Wells Czar!'
Lohan Keeps Drugs
Lohan Can Keep Taking Doc-Prescribed Meds Behind Bars; She'll Likely Be Held in Solitary Confinement for Own, and her drugs, Safety.
Winos Break Into Machine!
Pa. Offers Nation's First Wine Vending Machines. Next thing you will hear: "Hey, Chuck how about loaning me five bucks?"
Mild-mannered Quaker, 54, Strikes Southern California! I'm sorry, that should be 'Magnitude 5.4 Quake'.
Does Israel's Netanyahu Trust Obama? About as much as the rest of us.
That Sinking Feeling
Oil Sinking Into Gulf Beach Sands Could Linger for a century or two.
Buffett recounts the best advice he's ever received. "Don't give away any information you receive, always charge a buck."
Let It Be!
President Obama has told Michelle to discontinue her research on his ancestry after discovering that he is closely related to Jomo Kenyata, according to his latest birth certificate.
Pope's critics claim 'Excessive Popery'
We can only speculate as to why the Pope's visit should have increased demand for dried and fragrantly scented plant material!
Video Two Hours Per Day
Children who play video games for two hours a day may 'DOUBLE' risk of getting the Princess freed.
Private schools forced to offer free places to poor. Private auto dealers forced to give away autos to indigents. Both Schools and Dealerships close.
Benefits Cheat Caught Dancing
The 'wheelchair-bound' benefits cheat caught jiving at 1940s dance competition. "It was a miracle, Judge."
They Had A Near Collision
Recent near-collisions raise air safety alarms. Shouldn't that be near-misses?
An Englishman's semi and his tombstone teeth
US impressions of the English have hit an all-time low following the Gulf Of Mexico spill. Typical comments were, "They've shite teeth. They live in egg boxes. They worship bumpkins like Cheryl Cole."
For Lohan, the intense scrutiny is just beginning. Wait until she hits the showers.
Repeat of SKorea, US cyberattacks does no damage as North Korean squirrel pauses to rest in wheel.
Energy Secy advances nano science in spare time, often joined by Mork from Ork.
Early Hmans Went Farther North
Early humans ventured farther north than thought after discovery of ancient well-digger's ass.
Horton Hearing Things?
Japanese spacecraft may have dust from asteroid. Scientist "Horton" thinks there could be life in the dust but can't say Who.
Renting A Yacht For Now
New retail data: Luxury shoppers pull back in June. Head for WalMart, Costco.
For Better Appearance
Groups launch effort to change campaign money law. "It looks so much better if large sums given behind closed doors."
Moat Surrounds Castle!
Historians say that moats often surround castles. However police have still not managed to surround Raoul Moat, a dangerous killer hiding in woods. Police say, "There are no castles in the vicinity!"
Peace In Mideast
Obama says there's hope for Middle East peace. Just need to get the 2,972 factions together.
Using Only Eyelids?
French team performs face transplant with eyelids, using an old Harry Houdini trick.
Former Would Have Been Nice If True
East Coast to get relief from heat, not stupidity. I'm sorry, that should state "humidity".
Cuba Frees Political Prisoners
Church: Cuba agrees to free 52 political prisoners. Round up 52 new ones as soon a Vatican rep. leaves.
Need Oslo's Kicked
Officials: 3 Oslos arrested in Norway al-Qaida bomb plot!
Need To Keep Mind On Road Actual Road
New town motto: Looking ahead & being mindful of the past! leads to 25-30 car pile-up.
Second Big Find
UK treasure hunter finds 52,000 Roman coins, three wooden nickels.
Duck Boat Capsized
Captain of barge capsized duck boat in Philly stated that he had earlier spotted a quack in the hull.
Court To Hear Drilling Case
Appeals court to hear drilling moratorium case as horny couple keep a close eye on the situation.
Not Really Encouraging
IMF lifts world growth forecast: "Oh you can make a buck here and there."
It's A Start To A Beginning
Beach cleaners only skimming oil off surface sand. Like removing one flea from the dog pound.
Saves On Energy
Heat islands: Cities heat quickly, cool slowly. NYC renters cooking off the cleaned sidewalks.
Gays All Leave Iran
Iran offers modest new haircut guidelines for men, the "Mahmoud" style for everyone.
Iran's New Haircuts
Iran offers modest new haircut guidelines for men, especially after the lice plague.
Secrets In The Logo
The secret code in U.S. Cyber Command's logo. Also, the powerful green ring many are wearing.
Officials: 3 arrested in Norway al-Qaida bomb plot as those Norwegians causing so much trouble in the world.
Russian, US spy suspects brace for possible swap. CIA encouraged to get two blonds for the redhead.
Buffett: 'We're coming back, no question in my mind' Probably to about the Middle Ages!'
Gottta Dig Deeper
Beach cleaners only skimming oil off surface sand. "At this rate, it'll be cleaned up by 2090."
Psychic Octopus gets new job!
Now that the World Cup is almost over, Paul, 'The Psychic Octopus', from Germany has landed a dream job - reading palms - 8 at a time. You gotta hand it to him!
Living with Snakes Record Attempt
A Sussex carpenter is to try and break the world record by living with venomous snakes for over 4 months. However, ex-Prime Minister, Tony Blair claims to have lived with over 600 venomous snakes for 10 years.
Firewalker Uses British Rail Excuse
When nine people on a motivational exercise were badly burnt by walking on hot coals in Italy yesterday, their teacher used the old British Rail excuse: "THEY USED THE WRONG TYPE OF WOOD!"
UK worker complains
A man complained en route to work today rhetorically cutting short his rant with"Oh what's the point!" The remark is expected to 'severely damage the green shoots of recovery' said a Tory spokesman.
Raoul Moat Evades Police
Raoul Moat slipped through a police cordon last night and robbed a butcher's shop. Inattentive officer's, if found guilty of misteaks could be for the chop!
Proton shrinks in size
Using muon, heavier cousin of electron, researchers determine proton is actually 0.00000000000003 millimeters - about 4 percent - smaller than believed. Proton pump use expected to rise sharply.
Just Like The Beer Ones!
Today President Obama and Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu held a joint conference that was a lot better than their last meeting. The reason? Like I said, it was a 'joint' conference.
A Little Late On That One
A nature watchdog group says that we have five years to fix global warming or face catastrophic consequences...like a giant oil leak.
Well, Honest, Abe!!
President Obama said never again would an uninvited guest sneak into the White House. All the while, Abraham Lincoln's ghost was pulling his ears out like Obama's in the background.
In political news, John McCain and his dad got into another fight over who's turn it was to use the Scooter.
It's A Jungle Out There
The government is warning that substantial amounts of marijuana are now being grown on federal park lands. They noticed the problem when large groups of bears and wild boars started laughing.
Amy Switches Habits
Amy Winehouse's mom says that since she has stopped doing drugs, she has become addicted to eating bugs. Of course, they are invisible.
Joe Knows All
Joe Biden: I haven't noticed any mullet haircuts in the South. Of course, how does a person's hairstyle be the same as a fish?
Joe The Observant
Joe Biden: Ever since that first Iraqi War, it seems like Veteran's Day gets bigger every year.
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